Newbies Nest

[Fin]

Hello All,

I haven’t been around here for almost a year because, I’ve been, well, drinking for the last 11 months or so. I had quit successfully for the prior year, and thought quitting was pretty easy. I am embarrassed and ashamed to be coming back like this. So many MWO’ers were so supportive and helpful during my year quit, I feel like I’ve let them down. I’ve never met anyone from MWO of course, but, as you know, when you are involved here enough, you seem to develop an idea of who the MWO people are, and in my case an affection and admiration for steadfast MWO abstainers. It would not be an overstatement to say that I considered many fine folks here to be friends.

This all happened when I was on a cycling trip in France last September, and one day thought how good a cold beer would taste after a long day in the saddle. How big a deal could one beer be, I thought, and actually, it wasn’t that big a deal initially- not like I immediately jumped back into daily drinking, etc. But as has been said on these pages many times, it became a steadily slippery slope. Its’ crazy, for the first month or two, I still considered myself to be a non-drinker. The compulsive desires were gone (at least at that time) thanks to my prior year abstinence. But, and you already know what happened next, a very occasional thing, progressively became much more frequent, and the old compulsions started coming back.

My wonderful wife, of course knew that I had previously quit, and she was obviously very pleased. When I started having an occasional drink again, I was pretty open about it, assuring her that this was nothing, that I could easily quit. But as I progressively drank more, over the last 6 months or so, I started to hide it. It had become an everyday thing again, and the deceitful tactics became commonplace. I’d buy liquor, hide it in places around our home. Sometimes cleverly, sometimes not- she would find a bottle in the most unusual places and wonder about it. If we were going out to dinner with each other, friends or family, I’d make sure I had a couple of solid drinks in me before we left, so that during dinner, I could, with a smile, say “no thanks” when I was offered wine or a drink. I was still keeping up the pretense that I really didn’t drink.

So, I quit- again. The deceptions were/are just too much to bear. As an active alcoholic, I am essentially a liar. Many of my actions are/were untruthful. All this flies in the face of my interior faith life and I can’t do it.

Wow, can I relate to this. I've not achieved a year, but still a good number of months only to slip on an outdoor, athletic kind of trip. My latest slip was on a river trip. Now, I'm back hard at work...like you. Thanks for returning and sharing your story. It is helping me today...

[Byrdlady]

Good afternoon, nesters!
What a day....how can I end every day saying that? It's like the day takes off and its all I can do to hold on! Sure makes the day go fast. Sitting here wondering where it went!
Eloise, I wish you all the best in your big move! When it that exactly? Gosh, how exciting! I admire you so much.
OKO, hope you are having an easy day.
Fin, great to see you. Grab the butt Velcro and strap yourself in!

No good will come from drinking. Hang in there, everyone! If I can do this, I KNOW you can! Byrdie

[daisy45]

Hi Nesters...
After a week where I felt close to drinking, I feel better tonight. Back into a good routine with my swimming.
Asking myself where the drinking thoughts came from this week.....feeling good! Kidding myself the problem isn't that big. I recognise this and know this is not true and the only reason I am feeling so good is because I am sober.
Okoren, your post is a warning to us all.....thank you for putting it down so well.

[Lavande]

Good evening Nesters,

I had a busy day myself Byrdie, I completely understand.
I've been keeping up with an energetic 5 year old this week, good exercise, ha ha!

Daisy, It actually takes time to understand & believe deep down that we are truly no longer drinkers. There have been so many times over the years when something would happen & I found myself thinking - oh yeah, I would have drank over that. Then I take a few seconds to thank the universe that I no longer have to do that

Eloise, I can't even imagine moving to China. I wish you the very best of course!!

Hello to everyone who checked in today & wishing for a safe night in the nest for all.

Lav

[bobby boy]

Hi everyone

Its Friday again , been a busy week with a lot happening ! I was wondering to myself yesterday evening as I sat relaxing with my cup of tea , whether I am just going through, an off AL stage and whether I may be a bit naïve to honestly think I have full control of my situation . I am afraid that this AL monster may be lying dormant ... waiting . I have a question for some of you that have been AF for a long time . Are my fears ever going to go away ? We are going to some friends on Saturday evening for an early supper and in the past her and I would have easily drank three bottles of sparkling wine between us . She is in denial ( you know that river in Egypt ) LOL ... She knows my situation presently , so I am fine with going there . This will be a good test for me to prove to myself and my family that I am in this for the long run . Happy Friday everyone . Hugs x

[Eloise]

This is the thing Brydie, we do not know yet when we go.
Kind of incredible but I need to be positive about all this, it is for the best.
There has been a delay in the processing of my paperwork, so we wait. School start 10 September. Hopefully 10days before?

Glad you are back on track Fin!

[Justme Again]

Hi Nest

My vaca is great. Doing some knitting (another carpet) and downloading movies all day. Really need my mind to calm down before I take any further steps in sorting my life out. Want to buy a business, move current job closer to business. Move my daughter to her father so that I can join them about 6months later. Basically everything is changing... and I don't know where to begin. As I am doing other things my mind gets clearer.

Just one thing - my daughter is suppose to still go to school during this vaca so that I can spend some time with my son I see very little of. Now every morning it is a drama, because she is "sick" and crying louder and louder. I just give up after a while. Now whe are all home and my vaca is different than what I wanted.
But that is why all the change is happening. It will sort out the juggling time with kids, distance and work situations. Just have to do this with a level and sober head.

Going to knit a while, take a long bath and then let them paint something.

I feel better after typing it all out.
Thanks for listening.

PS: Eloise - hope all works well with your move and you get clarity on when it all happens soon.

[Matt M.]

Hello all

Even though I've been slacking lately, I figured I'd better check in. Two years ago I entered these rooms with the appearance of a healthy functioning man, underneath that facade was a tired, beaten scared little boy. I was immediately greated and welcomed by the usual suspects, Ava, Byrd, Eloise, Lav and others. I followed the lead and direction of those before me. What used to be something I could not imagine my life without, has become the furthest thought from my mind. That feeling of being chained down, imprisoned, a slave to Alcohol- GONE! Life has brought on a whole new meaning
I am forever grateful for these rooms and it's contributing members...

Screenshot_20160805-065716.jpg

[abcowboy]

Huge congrats Matt on 2 years of sobriety!

[okoren1]

Hi everyone

Its Friday again , been a busy week with a lot happening ! I was wondering to myself yesterday evening as I sat relaxing with my cup of tea , whether I am just going through, an off AL stage and whether I may be a bit naïve to honestly think I have full control of my situation . I am afraid that this AL monster may be lying dormant ... waiting . I have a question for some of you that have been AF for a long time . Are my fears ever going to go away ? We are going to some friends on Saturday evening for an early supper and in the past her and I would have easily drank three bottles of sparkling wine between us . She is in denial ( you know that river in Egypt ) LOL ... She knows my situation presently , so I am fine with going there . This will be a good test for me to prove to myself and my family that I am in this for the long run . Happy Friday everyone . Hugs x

Bobby, a couple of observations:

You do have full control over your situation! It's really very simple- view yourself as a non-drinker, and everything becomes pretty easy- and it becomes progressively easier over time. Just look at the comments from long term abstainers; they talk about their families, the weather, etc. AL just isn't a top-of-mind topic any more. Word of caution, just avoid becoming complacent like I did last year, and everything will be OK.

YES, the AL monster IS lying dormant. Make no mistake. It is lying dormant in everybody who is on these pages. We are not like everyone else when it comes to our tolerance or ability to control AL use, that is why we are here.

And as I said above, there is a magic point that we all reach in our own time, where the fears subside- we become very sure we will not drink today or the foreseeable future, but we cant confuse fear with vigilance. Who's kidding who? We are alcoholics here and because of that we must remain vigilant. If I were a diabetic with appropriate drugs available to me, would I be fearful of my disease or would I be daily vigilant of monitoring my blood-sugar levels and doing what I need to do to keep diabetes at bay?

Thanks

[Byrdlady]

Matt, congratulations on TWO YEARS! I can't tell you how proud I am of what you have done. I know it's hard to hear in the beginning, because we just want to be fixed, but TIME really is our friend on this journey. You have grown so much...a wife got her husband back, and 3 boys got their dad back. This is BIG! Keep up the great work, don't get lazy and keep helping others, that's what you do best! Well done!!! :two:

Bobby, OKoren nailed it. We NEVER have this thing licked, but we can hold it in remission. I can't remember who posted it, it may have been Matt.... make no mistake, AL is out in the parking lot doing push ups, ready to pounce whenever we have a moment of 'feck-its'. Yes, it only takes one drink to un-do all of the days/weeks/years of work we have done to distance ourselves from AL. This really is a mind game, and there's nothing better at it than AL. Yes, there WILL be a time when you are not as worried and on guard as you are today, but I am always AWARE. I'm always vigilant. That is exactly why I'm in this nest every day. I never want to take my quit for granted....I worked too hard to get here. You will have MindPeace, tho. It gets easier with every passing day.

It's only Friday, nesters, not a ticket to Boozeville. Yes, you ARE THAT BAD, and ONE drink WILL hurt you. Don't fall for it, it's a trick! Byrdie

[Samstone]

I need to check in too Brydie!
Gosh, it is starting to set in that we are moving to China. Time to embrace that idea and be grateful.
:flip:

sheesh, you never know what you miss when you don't look around..... CHINA??? wow! able to give any details, job? fun? art? Go to Mongolia and ride horses? When you taking off? Have Fun!!

[Lavande]

Good evening Nesters,

An incredibly long weeks comes to an end, nice
I spent the whole week watching grandkids & just sent the last of them home after 10 pm - enough already!!!

Matt, CONGRATS to you on your 2 years AF, :yay:
We are all quite proud & happy for you as well. Keep moving forward, have no regrets!

Bobby, I remember it took me a solid year before I felt that I really could trust myself again. At that point I figured if I could do a year AF then I can do anything I choose. Remaining AF will always be a choice for us but that's OK

Justme, try to relax & enjoy your time off anyway. Learning to let go of preconceived notions & outcomes helped me out a lot. Tolle's 'The Power of Now' is a good source if you haven't read it yet.

Wishing everyone a safe & comfy night in the nest!

Lav

[available]

Afternoon nesters.

Well how nice it is to do a week of work without killing or maiming anyone! Thank goodness these weeks are few and far between.
I did manage to have a chat with my friend Roberts partner which was lovely, he is coming out of his grieving so it was nice to hear. Spent some time with a man i am seeing, had some great chats with 2 of my children. One came home sick after her trip to Europe and wants her mummy (at 29 i had a chuckle) and my son is thinking of moving back home. I am so grateful to be there for them now. I am finally a grown up again.

Daisy glad to see you made it through your week of "close to drinking" but honestly you need to let it out there that you feel like drinking. trying to do this by yourself is impossible in my opinion. I grabbed onto everything to get to where i am today. The nest was my lifeline on many occasion as seen from my post last week, still is my lifeline.

Bobby we learn to have control over al and it takes time, we learn to deal with situations. Firsts for me were horrendous, the planning not to drink, the how will i deal with saying i dont drink, whether it was worth putting myself out there. Once i did a first then it was second nature. Learning to say no in the beginning is hard but you dont drink and as long as you hold onto that you are doing fine.

Just glad you are on holiday. Go with the flow and what you cant deal with then dont. As i say to myself "Rome was not built in a day" and i could not fix myself in that time either or fix everything else. As long as i didnt drink i was fine. I am knitting a beanie at present, will be summer before i finish as the dog vomitted on it and i cant wash it with needles attached.

Oh Matt a huge congratulations on 2 years, so proud of you. You have certainly grown into a grownup now and you sound so happy. Hugs to you today.

Oko a great post. I dont fear al anymore, i know i wont drink but i am vigilant to the point where i will smell a drink when i am handed one. Nothing can take my sobriety away except for me.

Byrd, i am full of mind peace now and its wonderful. I am in control of my life.

El, such a big move, you go girl.

Off to nap, take care x

[tonyniceday]

Good morning Nest!

Well I've missed a day of posting due to this being the busiest few weeks of the year for me - and just having gone back to where I last wrote, such a lot goes on here in a short while!

Ava, I sometimes see things on here which amuse me for all the wrong reasons! I may smile, or even have a little chuckle whilst reading the screen, and then along you came with your beanie knitting and dog puke combo and I confess I laughed out loud for far longer than I should, just imagining the quandary "do I wash it with the needles in? do I carry on knitting? do I abandon the project? do I kill the dog?" Sorry Ava, but that just tickled me!

Matt - Fantastic 2 years, I dream of that - and will carry on to make it reality

Justme - you have so much going on. It's easy to see, sometimes, why we drank to blot out all these things - just think, though, you can now see all these things and deal with them - just write them down and prioritise, don't try and deal with everything at once - you'll get there!

Bobby/Daisy - you know what? in some ways I don't want that fear to go away. That may sound perverse, but I don't want to get to the stage where I become complacent because I think that is when I would be most likely to relapse. In some ways the fear of drinking again is a good thing as it keeps us on our toes and on the straight and narrow.

Byrdie - you said
"We NEVER have this thing licked, but we can hold it in remission. I can't remember who posted it, it may have been Matt.... make no mistake, AL is out in the parking lot doing push ups, ready to pounce whenever we have a moment of 'feck-its'"

Aint that the truth!

Fin - Great to see you back!

Lav, Eloise - Hi there!

On another note - I was in the kitchen for the first part of service in the Restaurant last night. I then went out front and a guy came to the bar who, frankly, I would have stopped serving alcohol to a bit earlier if I'd seen him before. He was with his wife and she was sober (with car keys in hand to take him home) and he was very very drunk. Fortunately he was a "happy drunk" but he could hardly stand and he was trying to tell us a story which he never got to the end of. I was watching him and his wife, she was smiling and laughing but you could also see the embarrassment in her face.

He couldn't speak coherently and his wife eventually persuaded him to leave.

I was just so glad that I am where I am now with alcohol and not getting myself into that sort of state. It was a very visible and audible reminder of what life was before and I DEFINITELY do not want to go back there. The thing is I know that just one drink would take me all the way back there in a moment because it can never be just one drink.

Have a great AF weekend everyone!

Tony