Newbies Nest

[Eloise]

I forgot about this Kensho, that you kept your drinking such a secret.
I think you are doing the right thing to put yourself first.
To be honest I find the comment about your trouble relaxing a bit of strange. Is drinking the only solution for this? Maybe he needs to take you on vacation somewhere? Do something nice for you so you feel appreciated? Maybe clean the house, or hire you a housekeeper and cook so you can relax. (( That is what I need anyway and I don't even have kids)).
Drinking doesn't make one relax, as we are all well aware.
I have a short fuse with my husband just now, moving again, new job and more change. Obviously a stressful time.
I am not drinking though, or thinking about it.
Good luck there, keep posting as somehow it helps.

[KENSHO]

Eloise, I never felt I had trouble relaxing, HE felt I was boring and high strung while not drinking with him. He said this at a time I had a very heavy workload and was up late multiple nights a week trying to "get it all done". Had I given it a couple days on vacation without drinking, he would have seen a very relaxed me. He is commenting on HIS inability to relax without alcohol, or as he perceives it. I know now that his comments are not true representations about me. And YES, I have started telling him that I am unable to relax at night because I spend ALL my free time doing things for the family. If he wants relaxing - he can make dinner and do dishes and laundry and get the kids ready for school a few days a week. I have a feeling that "some changes are coming". I'm tired of giving my self up to make this marriage work. I have felt a very real conflict between what I think my marriage may need, and what I need. And I finally understand that I have to start with me. I am really, truly ready for it to end if he doesn't choose to support that.

And GREAT job NOT drinking during this stressful time!!! At some point it becomes really clear that drinking ADDS fuel to fires. I hope you are excited for China, at least a little bit? What an adventure!! When do you leave? Is this for your husband's job? Tell us more!

[tonyniceday]

Hi Nest

Over the last couple of weeks when a number of people have not been here I confess that I have done exactly what has been said... Dropped in here, seen that nothing new has been added and left again, maybe gone to another thread or just gone and done something different so I get that that is not the best thing to do.

I am really going through ups and downs still here. I've had a few really good days and now have bottomed out again. No I'm not going to have a drink, but it's such a roller coaster. Has anyone read any really motivational books?

Tony

[NomoreJim]

Kensho you are right about drinking adding fuel to fires. Most of the arguments that I had while drinking got really nasty really quick mostly because I thought that I was so much smarter when I was drinking. I too did a pretty decent job of hiding my drinking and most people didn't understand why I quit until I explained the situation. I spent alot of time by myself so it was easy to hide the really drunk times. I thought that when I quit my marriage would be instantly better only to find out that while drinking contributed heavily to the problems there were other issues as well. Not drinking has helped me to realize those issues and take steps to work on those as well. Just remember that the only thing we can control is our attitude so keep your chin up and have a good AF day.

[Eloise]

Gosh it is hard to keep that chin up NomoreJim sometimes!

I am excited to get back to work Kensho. I am the one who has been hired in China. My idea wasn't to go to Asia, it just came up and makes sense.
It is enough to support the both of us and I think my husband has more possibly to work over there.
We have started a Chinese class, what an undertaking. I can't really get excited until I know when we leave?
What I am excited about is working with children again. I just find kids optimistic and fun. Not perfect, a stressful environment, but a job worth doing especially now that I have 2 years of sobriety under my belt. Plus, I teach art so let's not take things too seriously. I keep telling my husband this. I am in charge of fun after all. As long as everyone is still alive at the end of the day I have been successful.

I am pretty sure we will survive all this.

As for inspirational reading Tony, I have this mindfulness book I really like.
It includes a mindfulness practice of 8 weeks and it has come in REALLY handy these past 4 months. Lord, what a blessing!

Mindfulness: A practical guide to finding peace in a Frantic world.
Boek van J. Mark G. Williams

[okoren1]

Kensho, this stuff with your husband is sounding dire!

I don't know if you are a spiritual/prayer type, but Saint Monica (mother of Saint Augustine) is the patron saint of alcoholics, married women, mothers, wives, and difficult marriages. I personally pray for her intercessions in my struggles here. When I am steady and faithful in my prayers things go well, when I am not, things seem to go less well.

[Eloise]

Just learnt what is going on with our neighbors... Tons or cars & crying teenagers around.
Car crash at 3:30 am, straight into a tree 4 dead, 2 in comas.
They were returning from a party. 20 yr old daughter driving with here dad and his business collegues & friends in the car. Police are investigating the issue of alcohol.
Sad.

[Byrdlady]

OMG, Eloise, thats horrible! What a tragedy for those families. My heart bleeds for them.
I hate AL. B

[Lavande]

Good evening Nesters,

Wow, so many posts to go through for today.

Eloise, I am sorry to hear of such a tragic accident. Yet another reminder of why we don't need AL in our lives.
Good luck in your eventual move to Asia, such a huge change!!

NomoreJim, hello & welcome back!
Congrats on your AF time, awesome
I know occasional drinking thoughts & dreams can be disconcerting but I like to think of them as little gifts from the universe. They serve to remind us to stay focused & grateful!
Stick around for a while & celebrate your 1000 with us.

Hello to everyone & wishing for a safe night in the nest for all.

Lav

[Justme Again]

Hi Nest!

Finally had a chance to read all your posts. My kids download games on my tablet and play all day on it... made me furious!!! Tried to keep the peace by giving them equal play time, but they keep fighting ((
So, today nobody plays on the tablet. Now they fight over who will bath first. After I had to fight to get them to bath... ??? ... Drives me nuts!!!

My daughter is leaving to live with her father this weekend. Her brother already lives with him. It is a planned change. It will help me to focus on 2 jobs. It just happened a lot sooner. I am a bit sad. And this sadness gets worse everytime I have to break up a fight. Then I can't wait for them to leave, then feel quilty... not the best of times.

Lav - the worst part when dealing with an unruly child, is that they simply don't understand what you are saying! How I experience it.

Eloise - Sad, sad thing that happened with your neighbors. I wonder what life would be like if al was used as vinegar and cleaning agents? No drinking. Saw beetroot and red wine mix at a market and thought - finally wine is used for what it should be used for!

Kensho - my heart goes out to you and your situation. Do what you think is best. After 6 years of living apart and finally getting divorced, I will join my ex and children in the city. We tried every way. Me with the kids. Then one with each. Now both with him. In the process we both had a change of heart about many, many things. His family, my family, our kids, alcohol, friends, finances, goals. It was a difficult road, but I am more than happy with the agreements reached. We still don't want to be together. We are still free, but commited to raise our kids together and financial goals that will help all of us. Many people won't understand it, but that is fine with us too.

I enjoy all the discussions about the Nest, al, paticipation and so on. It is good stuff.

Need to make some food, before we die of hunger.

Till later.

[Eloise]

Yeah, very sad.
To add insult to injury the husband was sleeping by the neighbors when he was in town because he was estranged from his wife.
This poor woman.
And the daughter, such a sweet girl. Kind, funny. Maybe it seemed she was the most sober to drive? They were in Germany and maybe she wasn't so familiar with the road? Apparently they didn't have far to go.
I KNEW something was wrong at their house. I could see even the dog was not his chipper self. Head and tail down, and he hasn't been at his usual post sitting by the gate waiting for some action. She was his girl.

[Lavande]

Good afternoon Nesters,

We are in the midst of another heatwave here in Lav-land, just awful.
I just sent my husband on a mission to find a new fan for the chicken house. I have four fans running in there & two have broken down. The poor girls are suffering.

Justme, after 43 years of marriage I can tell you this - just do the best you can do, together or separately. We have had some hard times too but everyone survived. Most of all, avoid comparing yourselves to others because things aren't always as them seem. Wishing you the best.

Eloise, I pray for healing for that poor family, the dog too.

I am grateful to be stuck inside working again today, nice & cool!

Wishing everyone a fabulous AF Friday!

Lav

[Byrdlady]

A late check in for me. This job has me hopping, I tell you, there is paperwork galore! I spent so much time writing about what I'm going to do and what I did that I don't have time to actually accomplish things. Funny how that works.

Glad it's Friday....it's just another day as far as AL goes, there are no free passes to BoozeVille! Hope everyone has an easy day. Byrdie

[Eloise]

sounds good Brydie.
I decided to do another certification for teaching while I have time, and to get my mind off this car crash. I couldn't sleep last night.
The pictures of the car were terrible. And the tree she rammed into, hardly a scratch on it. It looks like it is at least 300 years old? One of those rambling ancient fantastic trees innocently sitting next to the side of the road. A tree that has been witness to so many things it is good it cannot talk.
Actually, from the photos it looks like the road came to an end and she needed to turn left of right, instead she went straight into the tree. The photos on the internet are so creepy with some guy in a black suit and weird black shoes in every shot. One of those deadman walking images. The speedometer was stuck at 140 kilometres per hour. It was a small provincial road. Why didn't anyone tell her to slow down?
I imagine she was possessed by a demon.
Okay. I have to set this aside for a while.

[KENSHO]

Eloise, sorry you have to be so close to that tragedy. Sends shivers down my back! I was happy to hear more about your upcoming job. Happy for you! I love adventures, and that sure sounds like one!

I had a heart to heart with my husband. He listened, for a change. I told him that if it came down to sobriety or our marriage, I would choose sobriety. I think that made his jaw drop. He VERY CLEARLY understands how serious I am about this. I also told him how sad I was that he has made me feel "boring" when not drinking. He apologized, and clarified his statement. I think we can work this out if we keep communicating. Alcohol contributed to this problem once again - as when I drink, I distance myself from him so he won't know, and don't talk with him or go to bed when he does... how in the world could that be healthy for a marriage? One more reason to get rid of the beast once and for all. And he supports me spending less time with his family if they continue to pressure me.

It doesn't take much time at all to feel so much more in control of myself and sure of myself. I know how it feels to be 6 months alcohol-free and it is amazing - can't wait to get there again and beyond. I no longer have a reason to touch the stuff ever again - I've made peace with all the demons that spurred my alcohol use. I have finally arrived at the place that LAV and AVA and Byrdie talk about - that place where nothing or no one is more important than taking care of ourselves - choosing happiness and choosing to be alcohol free.