Newbies Nest

[Lavande]

Ugh - just lost my post!

Just wanted to wish everyone a safe & comfy night in the nest!

Lav

[KENSHO]

LC, sounding good! Eloise, excited for you!

Had F-it thoughts and wine cravings tonight. But it's like I observed them, didn't own them. Because I know I don't / shouldn't drink. Then I said oh well and ordered a steaming mint tea. It's getting chilly here at night now. Looking forward to not wanting AL.

[Darkest Diamonds]

So much in these last few posts that I could relate too, thought I'd add my feelings too!
Lifechange you talk about sleeping, I know what you mean, even waking up after a very disturbed night's sleep, when you are sober there is still so much that you can do and achieve in the day. You might feel physically rough, but you are not waking up with a physical and emotional hangover. For the last few weeks I have been waking up around two or three and staying awake, usually for 2 or 3 hours, worrying, about my dad's health and happiness and huge financial things, connected with him. Each day I am gradually sorting them out, with banks, solictors, advisors etc...... still have loads to do, but could not have done this when drinking, no way!!

Eloise, you talk about meditation and horse riding. This is interesting for me, I can see you have a stressful, but exciting situation, moving to another country, I think I need to learn to meditate, as my way of dealing with stress at the moment is either reading or constant activity which is utterly exhausting.... can't go on like this!! I too am glad that I don't drink anymore, I like myself sober, that to me is the true me. Looking back on my life all my good/satisfying times have been when I was sober for a few years/ months, also I feel being sober for most of my time with surgery, chemo etc helped my recovery. Also staying sober lessens the liklihood of a return of cancer, that is a medical fact!

Kenshoyou mention those "F- it thoughts" and how you deal with them ... this reallly made me think, one of the things I do is think back to my lowest time with alcohol, my own rock bottom, involved ambulances, A and E, a two day detox where they gave me so much librium I could hardly walk! (I even found ways of not taking all the librium, as I found it knocked me out so much, and when I got home I did not take the amount I had been told, I hated the way it made me feel, but I did have a little, as I had been on such a bender for three days and nights that I needed it to withdraw safely). During that bender it was horrific, I could not stop drinking, I hardly slept, I was hallucinating, even though I was drunk, it was terrifying, I will never forget it. At the end of that I said to myself "Right you have a choice of life or death" I chose life!

I work in education so at the moment I have six weeks off, nearly finished now!! It has been the most challenging six weeks ever, really hard, so many huge decisions, but I am dealing with them all, I do have a long, long way to go, some of these things seem almost impossible to deal with, one is that I might have to sell my parents house, if my dad has to stay in a care home, I am trying everything to get him back in his own house but at the moment, even with four carers a day he would be too vulnerable. So I have to sort the house out just in case I sell it. When my mother was alive she was a hoarder, so the amount of stuff is off the scale, there is stuff everywhere. Over the last two years I have been systematically cleaning and tidying but this is still very much ongoing.... a huge project!

I mentioned in another post that I had developed a very serious side effect from one of the drugs that I am on to prevent cancer coming back, I have huge decisions to make around this, but being sober gives me strength, if I drank now it would be "Poor me" which would lead to "Pour me"!

All of these things have made me realise that without alcohol I am strong. I am profoundly greatful that all my blood tests came back in excellent shape after that bender. No liver damage etc. I really treasure that, I do treasure my health, I came through cancer, I treasure life and sobriety!! Thanks for listening!! DD xxx

[Eloise]

Yes, Darkest Diamond it is a medical fact that not drinking will boost your immune system.
The meditation helps a lot, even with all this itching! I am rather committed to it due to chronic headaches.
Actually, I think I have more or less isolated the problem; stress.
I am now thinking that working will be a good distraction whereas a few months ago I was afraid I might not be able to handle it.
Now I know I can.

Sorry the meeting did not go so well Brydie.
We give it our all and often it is still not enough.
I am going to a museum today, gonna stay out of the house. Need some breathing space. It is hot here, and I LOVE it.
Finally my feet are not cold, whoopee!

[Justme Again]

Hi Nest

Seems like it was not the best week for some of us - thank goodness its Friday!!

Byrdie, Pav - there will be better meetings again. Least you know you gave it your all.

Kensho & DD - many things going on in your lives. Difficult things. The best thing is to go through it sober. Imagine all of that with a hangover...

Eloise - really relate to your situation. Waiting for the green light to move and having a capacity to work much more without al. Like that you keep busy and healthy.

Tony - it was never about the taste . The whole goal was to get wasted to escape. It saddens me to know I escaped daily from a life I was too afraid to live. Now, sober, it is fun to find solutions to problems that intimidated me to my core. And these problems are not that hard to deal with sober.

Lav - the mail about forgiving yourself got to me a bit. Hit a nerve somewhere inside. Sobering up is one thing /the first step. Recovery is dealing with the stuff that made you drink. Forgiving myself is something I still need to spend some time with.

Half a day of work left for me, then a lovely weekend!

Happy Friday!

[KENSHO]

Happy FRIDAY - Halle-LU-jah! God, I'm glad this week is almost over. I'm SO tired, and so much to do today. My brain has just not been working well lately. I'm not sure if it is diet, stress, hormones or age, but my memory and critical thinking feel poor! I don't feel very sharp. Ugh! I think I've worn myself out the last 15 years of "taking it all on". Is this supposed to happen at age 40?

Anyway, I hope everyone has an easy day.

[Orimus]

Well, I did manage to make it to 58 days, the longest I've managed AL free to date, but after my colonoscopy - a fissure that has been taking it's sweet time healing (month 8), an internal hemorrhoid, mild diverticulosis and two polyps that were thankfully benign - I wasn't worried about the findings and the doctor did say I could get back to more vigorous exercise. After the anesthesia wore off though that next day after work ... I guess it just gave a little reinforcement to that bad neural path to AL and was starting to go right back to where I was. Of course neither the fissure nor the hemorrhoid liked that. What was feeling much better at day 58 was back to making feel crippled not to mention slowing the healing process down again.

Got myself back to day five. Pain was less and the raise I'd been waiting for at work had finally come through. 10% and retro for all of July! So what the hell was I doing downing whiskey last night?! Despite all the relapsing I have done it has been a good long while since I have gone to bed with the spins never mind dragging my sorry self to work. And just cringing over what I may have posted over social media.

So picking myself up, dusting off and moving on. I did notice something about those 58 days that I had been doing in addressing the fissure. Two things really. The first is having to focus on just relaxing as there was so much tension - getting back to meditating (meditations on meandering streams and waterfalls seem to be most calming for me) and the sitz baths which were really just daily hot soaks. After a hot soak all I wanted was a cold glass of water which seemed to banish whatever AL thoughts and the deep relaxation techniques seemed to make the compulsion to drink easier to deal with and further between. Guess that goes to show even the worst pain in the tucus can teach something about the way forward.

Just needed to muse out loud so to speak. Have a good Friday all.

[lifechange]

Happy Friday, Nesters!

I'm with you there, Kensho.. TGIF! Too bad my neighbours are having a party with the worst possible oom-pah music blasting. Sure hope it doesn't go on all night!!

Orimus, meditating helps me so much when I find the discipline to do it.. in fact, I think it'helps me more than anything else to relax, to concentrate, to put life into perspective, basically to make sense of everything.. and nothing helped me more to heal after giving birth than sitzbäder! Thank god for those! I'm glad to see you in the Nest!

DD, thank you for that post!

We're expecting very hot weather this weekend.. looking forward to soaking in every ray... in anticipation of the long, cold winter!
Hope you all have nice, relaxing weekend plans..

[KENSHO]

I'm writing because its 3pm on Friday, the end of a looooooooong week, and I am thinking about wine. I feel very depleted and tired - and my brain is telling me that wine will help me relax and rest, and that I deserve it and that a little would be ok. I'm reminding myself that every single time I have done that, I have decided eventually that life is WORSE off, not better. So I will aim for an early bedtime and be hopeful for a relaxing weekend. I really need some time for myself to just SIT AND DO NOTHING. I am struggling right now.

[abcowboy]

Keep thinking the thoughts through to the end Kensho, you're doing great!

[abcowboy]

I'm not sure how much you used to spend on wine for an evening Kensho, but I've told this to others that are struggling; get online to Amazon and start shopping for anything, no matter how small, spending the money that you thought you'd spend on wine. Take your time, the drinking thoughts will pass, and you'll be reminded that you can do this when your order comes!

[KENSHO]

Thank you Kuya and Cowboy! I visited the 3P thread on your signature Kuya - which took me to a particularly helpful post by NS. I don't need alcohol to experience what I want to experience. When I think of drinking on nights like this, I am imagining myself just not caring - and letting all my stress just melt off me. Alcohol always helped me do that - because I end up not caring about anything - it was license to say fuck it to everything. I tend to hang on to all my stress when sober, because I'm afraid that if I let go, I will lose my momentum. Looks like I need to learn to "let go" without booze. I have "un-done" work right now, and it's holding up a large project. It won't help to hold on to my stress on a Friday night, so I'm going to say screw it now and go find a quiet room to let the stress melt off me. Then I'm going to sit in front of the tv with my son and watch a cooking show. I can let myself not care for a night - without alcohol. Here goes.

[NoSugar]

Kensho, I'm so glad you took a look at that thread! Understanding the 3Ps has been life-changing for me. (Thank you, Kuya!). About the time I was introduced to the ideas, my work load was overwhelming and not in my control. I was very stressed and didn't feel like I could enjoy doing other stuff with all that hanging over my head. But when 3Ps were explained, I realized that the pile of documents I needed to act on was neutral - just a pile of documents (and really, less than that because they're really nothing but a bunch of digital ideas!). My stress and anxiety came only from what I thought about them. Thoughts are no more real than all the 1s and 0s that underlie my dreaded documents! I can't actively change my thoughts about them but I don't have to focus on thoughts that make me uncomfortable and don't solve anything. Like the feeling of 'hot' is a warning our body gives us not to touch something, feelings of stress or anxiety are healthy clues not to follow those thoughts. And new, good ideas come to you in the quiet! I had always wanted my work to be totally done before I relaxed or played. That had become impossible but it wasn't until I calmed down that I realized that "0 documents" was just a goal I made up! So I decided that 8 is the new zero and if I start feeling overwhelmed again, I'm quite open to 12 becoming the new 8 :wink:.

I hope you're enjoying a nice, content evening. xx, NS

[Byrdlady]

Hang in with us, Kensho! Every single one of us have fought off those dam voices. Push them out and tell them, "NO, HELL NO! I will not give in!"
I am totally with you on the stress thing. I need to ho visit the Three P's again myself, my stress is off the charts lately. We will get thru it, you did the right thing in coming here first! Have you eaten something? There's nothing like a little ice cream in emergencies (cover your ears, NS!).
Ava, confpgratulations on your 1000 days today! This is a huge deal!!! And Pav is tomorrow!! Well done you two! That is something to be really proud of! You dont see that every day!
:llama:
Hugs to all, glad it's Friday! Byrdie

[Lavande]

Good evening Nesters,

I thought I was going to have a quieter day but it certainly didn't turn out that way. No big deal, everything is good

Kensho, I'm glad you have worked your way thru a stressful time without turning to AL. That's a sign of growth, good for you!

NS, now that I work from home I find it hard some days to figure out when my workday ends & personal time begins. I am also not stressing myself out about things, it all gets done eventually, right?

Hello to all & wishing everyone a safe night in the nest!

Lav