Newbies Nest

[Darkest Diamonds]

Good morning, nesters.
DD! Im so sorry that life is so challenging at the moment. Aging parents are a tough one. I can tell you this with absolute certainty, AL does not fix it at all. I drank at problems for a lot of years and I wanted that escape. I was just talking to someone yesterday about this...AL is a quick and easy escape, howcver it comes with a very high price. I hope you can get right back up and carry on. Keeping a clear head is going to be your best friend in all this, NOT AL. In fact, AL makes everything worse and makes circumstances seem hopeless. We are thinking of you, DD.
Tony, it's an interesting question you pose about the 100 day thing. I think there are a couple of things going on. We are about to hit a major goal.....this would be a good time to fail and prove everyone right.....blah, blah, blah. I didnt think I would make it and failing now would just go to show. Its also sort of like a bride after the wedding is over...all the spotlight was on the achievment, now what? Is THIS all there is? There are a lot of emotions bubbling up. Its one reason the 100 Day Maintenance Thread was created, it is incentive to push thru to the BIG TABLE. Yes, it seems like those last few inches are hard, but can assure you, they are worth it. On Roll Call you get a prize and get to make a speech and everything. 100 Days in our world is a big deal and not everyone gets there.....dont be a statistic! Remember, all you gotta do is get thru THIS day! We believe in you!
Im doing several loads of laundry, jealous? Im living the dream, last week a colonoscopy, followed ny a National Sales meeting, now chores! I cant tell you how glad I am to be doing all this sober. That meeting would have been extremely difficult had AL been in the mix. There are about 3 of the 7 reps I would say have serious AL problems. One guy had 6 mixed drinks on the dinner check, he had 3 at the bar before we were seated, he also drank a baileys and coffee that one girl got by accident. Yep, to have been functioning as well as he was, Id say his tolerance is way on up there.
Anyway, I am so thankful that Im now comfortable being the only nondrinker at a dinner like that. It takes practice!
Hope everyone has an easy day! Byrdie

Sorry, but what a short, superficial reply to what has been heart wrenching stuff! I can't take this seriously, it is so shallow.

[Darkest Diamonds]

Just to clarify Byrd's reply to others might have been fine, but to me it really was shallow and inappropriate.

[Darkest Diamonds]

About ten years ago I managed three years and three months sobriety. It was fulfulfilling and relatively easy. At that point in my life both my parents were alive and happy.

Now things are different ... mum is dead, dad is really strugglng,each week it gets harder, I have had cancer, and have health problems related to the anti cancer drugs,

I don't feel happy explaining, as earlier Byrd answerd me with a generic reply, I do need help, but in future will just stick to the roll call forum.

[NoSugar]

A lot of communication is lost when all we have to work with is text and some silly, generic emoticons. What you heard in Byrdie's words, DD, I think is much different than the message she was trying to send. I know I sometimes don't go as deep in a reply to someone as I might want to because I don't want to give the impression that I know exactly how they are feeling. That feels patronizing and somewhat dismissive of what the person is experiencing. But, it probably comes off as a pat, superficial response sometimes. You are going through one of the life changes that I've long dreaded and wondered whether I'd be able to navigate without the escape of drinking. I'm grateful that my parents are still alive but like with your dad, my mom is slipping away mentally and it is terribly difficult. It sounds like you're on your own handling all of this, too, which must make it all the harder. If participating here helps you, I hope you don't leave because of a misunderstanding. I was very happy when you came back and are glad you are here. Please take care of yourself, NS

[Darkest Diamonds]

Learning to Relax

I have been worried sick about my dad, quite literally hair was falling out etc (although some of the hair fall could have been the anti cancer drug, hormone blocker, , letrozole).

The last few weeks have been high achieviing, in the face of adversity, I am strong, I have done incredibly well.

What I have not learnt to do is relax!! I am extremely anxious, after all these days sober I allways awaken at night and for about two hours or three..... it has been hell ! I wake up in the night and think of dad, this has been going on for nearly two months, when I drank it solved this, I slept!!

Drinking is not an answer, I will stop it as it would kill me, but I wish there was something that would help me sleep.

[NoSugar]

Hi, again, DD. There was a discussion earlier today in another thread about sharing something that came into my life when Kuya returned to MWO to tell us about it. I was so enthused, I started a thread: https://www.mywayout.org/community/ge...on-thread.html.
It is not a technique but it helps explain why you are feeling like you do right now. And like with a machine, once you understand how it all works, it is so much less intimidating. When I started to understand how I was creating the anxiety I was feeling, it became something that I couldn't entirely "fix" because all the stuff of life that hurts is still happening, but my experience of it has become easier.

[Darkest Diamonds]

mmmm ....... not sure ...... but I will read it!

[NoSugar]

mmmm ....... not sure ...... but I will read it!

Well, if nothing else, it might take your mind in another direction :smile:. Learning is one of my healthy addictions -- I'm not really happy unless I'm exploring something new and going deep. If you listen to some of the videos linked in that thread, I think you'll find them very reassuring and soothing. I have often fallen asleep at night listening to a 3Ps facilitator and had to re-listen the next day to find out what I'd missed. That is so reminiscent of what I used to have to do with movies and TV shows when I was drinking so that I could discuss them later and not let on that I had absolutely no memory of the night before. But this comes with a good feeling and with the other --- I remember sobbing one early morning as I (re)watched an episode of Modern Family that we'd watched as a group the night before and realized what I had become. That was true dispair.

[NoSugar]

When I was in my early AF days, one time I a total F-it moment and took a big gulp of wine and held in in my mouth, as I used to always do when I had my first drink of the day. It somehow enhanced the enjoyment I experienced. But this time, that "holding" period was the pause I needed for it to occur to me that I didn't want to do this. I spat it out, brushed my teeth, and was so glad that moment had passed.

A couple months ago, I was fed up with my life in general and MWO and everything it represented (i.e. my sobriety) in particular and I flung one of those little bottles of wine they have at the checkout counter on the belt. And I bought it. And took it home. I was in a low place, making a series of bad choices. When I got home, I put it on the shelf, I guess planning to drink it later in the day when I would truly enjoy it. Well... by the time 4 pm rolled around, I'd entirely forgotten about the little bottle of wine. When I remembered, I certainly didn't want it, was appalled that I'd bought it, and threw it away. My thoughts had cleared and I was back to feeling the way I've felt for most of the last 3+ years.

It would have been so sad if I'd decided to drink either of those times from the low state of mind I was in BUT - if I had, it wouldn't have meant that I had to go back to being a daily addicted drinker. We can have new thought - good or bad - in any moment and can follow the ones that take us to where we want to be.

[Byrdlady]

Just to clarify Byrd's reply to others might have been fine, but to me it really was shallow and inappropriate.

I'm really sorry that my response offended you, that was/is not my intention at all. No one could be more sympathetic to the aging parent issue than I. My dad was a considerable concern in the last year of his life and it weighed heavily on me. I could go into great detail about it, but suffice it to say that it was not easy. I'm sorry that it came across that I was not taking it seriously, I totally understand how difficult the situation is. B

[satz123]

I drank yesterday, as I watched my dad fall over I knew I was going to drink, after his fall I spent another four hours with him, he was not seriously hurt, but my switch had gone off, I was going to drink, yes I have an immense back up plan but I just wanted OUT!! I did not want to reflect on the bad drinking times, I did not want to ring the Samaritans, or go to AA, or have a bubble bath or post on here..... I wanted to block it all out with a drink....... and I did!!

I don't know you DD or your back story but going just on this post I wanted to comment.
I am going through the same thing with my mother ......
I don't want to be cruel ...... but it seems you are using your Dad's illness as an excuse to drink ?
That is unfair on him. His illness is his and he has to deal with it without also having to worry about you.
What would he say if he knew this ? That you are injuring yourself because of him?

[Guitarista]

Hi DD. Sorry to hear of the troubles concerning your dad. Are there any support groups there associated with the place dad's in, or in the wider local community for families/sons daughters of aging parents? Such groups don't often advertise and can take some digging to find, but can be useful as a resource and as extra support for you.

Great job on your recent AF time, especially under the circumstances. Get back on the horse friend. G

[Pavati]

Hi, All:

Tony - I had a very down period for a long time - about 100 days to about 9 months. I wasn't depressed, but I was very flat - I was off the "pink cloud" high that just getting rid of the booze had brought me, and I had a considerable time of "poor me" syndrome. I was irritated, ashamed, and just plain blah. During this time I posted here frequently, and I listened to what people were saying. I loved the Bubble Hour podcast, in particular one on willingness. I suspended my disbelief that this would all get better, and I did what successful sober people told me to do. I cultivated an attitude of gratitude, I relied on my sober networks, I took care of myself and exercised regularly, and I was WILLING to believe that it would all be ok. Dang if it wasn't. The fog cleared, and the gratitude at my freedom from booze took over. You are so dedicated to your quit, and thoughtful about your approach. You'll be find, and this, too, shall pass.

DD - Sorry about your dad. I am at the beginning of the process - I have a parent who is losing memory and just took a first fall. I know worse is coming. There are a lot of us this age with parents in the predicament. Does your community have a support group? I have found that, like drinking, discovering that "me, too!" person who shares a bad experience can be helpful. Hearing that people have the same problem doesn't mean that your problem will go away, but it might make it more manageable.

Ok, nest. Enjoy this beautiful, sober Saturday.

Pav

[Darkest Diamonds]

I'm really sorry that my response offended you, that was/is not my intention at all. No one could be more sympathetic to the aging parent issue than I. My dad was a considerable concern in the last year of his life and it weighed heavily on me. I could go into great detail about it, but suffice it to say that it was not easy. I'm sorry that it came across that I was not taking it seriously, I totally understand how difficult the situation is. B

I know I am just really devastated at what I have done,

[Darkest Diamonds]

I don't know you DD or your back story but going just on this post I wanted to comment.
I am going through the same thing with my mother ......
I don't want to be cruel ...... but it seems you are using your Dad's illness as an excuse to drink ?
That is unfair on him. His illness is his and he has to deal with it without also having to worry about you.
What would he say if he knew this ? That you are injuring yourself because of him?

That is an incredibly cruel thing to say. For the last two months I have not drunk a drop of wine, during this time every single night I have been awake for two to three hours, during that time I have prayed and made constructive decisions regarding my darling, wonderful father. I will continue to love him, it has been really hard, going to work every day, as a teacher with this lack of sleep and image of dad with his head in his hands and crying. I am not using him as an excuse for drinking, what a wicked and cruel thing to say.