Newbies Nest

[abcowboy]

Thanks everyone for listening, I will never give up on her, nor will I drink over it. And j-vo, losing loved ones is almost as hard as quitting and staying quit. I lost 2 brothers and both my parents while I was a drunk. I think alcohol robbed me of the grieving process! It wasn't till this past summer when Bubba and I went back to my hometown to visit the graves that I finally felt some closure, some sort of peace in myself. Alcohol robs us of so many things, it's time to put a stop to it and enjoy all the good things that are yet to come, like being there when your son graduates from college.

[lifechange]

hello again..

J-vo, so very sorry to hear about your mom. Going to bed early has been a great tool for me. I'm sure your body needs it, too, after all you've been dealing with. Know we're here for you..love to you..

So I had a million things I wanted to get done today on my day off.. but I have a very busy couple of weeks coming up so I decided to do a whole lot of nothing today.. watched a great documentary on netflix (Barkley Marathons), went for a Thai Massage! (spent 45 euros that I really don't have, but then added up how much I've saved recently by not buying booze)..made a nice lunch.. and it's only 3pm, Yayy!

Lav, I hope your daughter is doing alright.. and that you find out positive news about your son, Ava.. :love:

big fat hugs to everyone!

[lifechange]

X-Post Mr. V.. Hi!!! So good to see you. Here's some of G's famous extra strength butt velcro.. just happen to have some to spare.

[j-vo]

I do believe going through the grieving process needs to be done soberly. This is along the same lines of how we stunt our social and emotional growth while drinking. We will not mature until we kick the bottle. We can't grieve if we are drunk because we've checked out of life.

[ThirdTimesACharm]

Good morning everyone. My first post in the Newbies Nest. Not really sure how it really works on this long thread as I don't have time to read all 7000 pages!

Anyways... I now have 4 days sober under my belt and shooting for my 5th today! Feeling better, stronger and more committed every day. Just ordered some new running gear and will be out running again this weekend!

Hope you all are doing well. Anyone else here at the 4-5 day mark?

[lifechange]

:welcome: Thirdtime's! Congratulations on day 5.. and here's to new running gear! It does move quickly in the Nest, but it won't take much time for you to get to know people. Maybe just starting a few pages back, then a few more and so on. The Toolbox is always recommended reading for newcomers, with lots of great suggestions on making plans, etc.. Here's the link https://www.mywayout.org/community/sh...24253-Tool-box. Good to have you here..

[ThirdTimesACharm]

I was going to post this on my thread, but decided I would post it here instead. It’s about hitting “rock bottom”. It’s often said that we have to hit rock bottom before we’ll finally have the courage to quit for good. And I’ve often talked about what rock bottom means to us as individuals. When do we know when we’ve hit rock bottom? My answer, when you accepted that you had a problem, that’s the only rock bottom you need.

Most of you know how I alienated my youngest daughter because of the things I said to her while I was drunk 2 years ago, things no parent should ever say to any of their children. But that didn’t stop me from drinking, I continued for a few months after that till I ended up in hospital overnight in the suicide watch room because of trying to drink myself to death, literally! You think that would be about as rock bottom as you can get! It isn’t, I experienced a new “rock bottom” this weekend, almost 2 years after I quit drinking.

My daughter and I have had a very strained relationship for the past 2 years, not a lot of communication between us, but I keep trying. One can only say I’m sorry so many times. This past Friday she came home for Thanksgiving weekend, she stayed at her brother and sister-in-law’s. I texted her about coming over to our place and the reply was “I don’t think so, I’m rockin’ the relaxation over here, but thanks for the invite.” I called her the next day and it went to voicemail, I left a message and never got a reply. She’s going back to Calgary this morning, so I won’t get to see her.

It was a sad and painful weekend for me, a new rock bottom without even drinking. The point of my rambling is not to get pity, it’s to tell you that I did it to myself. I said those words to her while drinking, thinking that an “I’m sorry, I was drunk” apology would get me through like it did all those other times, it didn’t, not this time, they’d heard those words too many times.

Maybe you haven’t had a DUI, got in trouble with the law, jeopardized your job, ruined your health, or lost the love and respect of your loved ones, but if you continue drinking, you will. One day you’ll say or do something that you can’t take back, and you’ll reach a new rock bottom. Why wait for that to happen, quit now before you spend a weekend like I just did….

Wow. This literally brought me to tears. I can relate so closely.

I have alienated and permanently shut-out so many close friends and family members and I know I will never have them back in my life. Most recently my 19yo son - I doubt I will ever see him again.

It's amazing how we can keep drinking over the years, and be aware of the problems in our lives, but somehow through the fog of alcohol, we blame everyone and everything but ourselves. And we just keep drinking more and more and more, and our problems get worse and worse and worse. What a horrible poison it is.

[wagmor]

Jvo - so sorry to hear about your mom. I, like many others here I'm sure, can really relate to this heartbreaking type of loss. So glad to hear you want to go through your grieving process sober - I have always been tremendously grateful that I remained sober through my own grief over losing my mom. It hurts like hell to do it this way, but I'm pretty sure you'll be glad that you chose this path. Hang strong for your dad too. Sending you more hugs...

G-man - Congrats on SIXTY big days!!! Double moons are a good look for you

Mr V - take that velcro and strap yourself in tight. Thanks also for passing along those wise words about hitting rock bottom. Never really thought of it that way, but I love this way of framing things.

Third time - Welcome, and congrats on 5 days today!!!

Ava - hope you get good news about your son soon.

Have a fantastic day everyone!

[KENSHO]

Hi my Lovely Nesters. So good to check in at this safe place.

JVO, my heart is sad for you now. I'm so sorry you lost your mom, and in such a difficult way. I am so proud of your decision to grieve sober. I'm a believer that we humans are meant to feel the whole gamut of emotions - and if we can see them as passing things, we can feel, acknowledge and move forward stronger. I'm sure your mom would wish a peaceful, sober life for you too. Lots and lots of hugs to you right now. Please stick close; you have friends here. :heartbeat:

PAV, I loved your post. Thank you for sharing.

Cowboy, hugs to you too. I do agree that time changes things. My husband has gone through being very angry at his father and not wanting to be around him at all, to finally deciding he doesn't want to be estranged from him. I think people just need space sometimes to process their end of the situation. Hopefully with time, your daughter will decide that family is am important thing to cherish, and trust your sobriety.

AVA & LAV - sorry your kiddos are going through their share of medical stuff! Good work avoiding Dr. Google Ava - I have often found that to be very damaging to my sanity. Whatever it is, you will get through it.

Welcome Third Time! Way to go on 5 days! Have you seen the Roll Call yet? I will try to link to it... let's see... it's a way for folks here to count their days. Not everyone posts every day, and numbers tend to fluctuate. There are very likely people here who are right at your point in the process, whether they post there or not - so tell us more about yourself - we're glad you're here!

Roll Call:

https://www.mywayout.org/community/just-starting-out-/64080-newbies-nest-roll-call.html

[lifechange]

Hi again!
I feel a bit bad because I just cancelled meeting up with my 4 best girlfriends for dinner.. I lied and said I had a headache from the massage I got today (i did but it has since vanished) but I didn't feel like saying that I actually just don't feel like being around drinking tonight. None of them drink too much, but they all drink.. most of the time I don't mind, but today.. and it kind of sucks because we don't meet up very often so I miss out on a lot. I've got to think of some events we can do without alcohol being part of the equation. Or maybe not. Maybe it's ok if I just go when I'm feeling strong and bag out when I'm not. And maybe I should just be honest with them about the reason. I just don't want them to feel bad or worry. I would love to have some real life non-drinking friends..

[ThirdTimesACharm]

Hi again!
I feel a bit bad because I just cancelled meeting up with my 4 best girlfriends for dinner.. I lied and said I had a headache from the massage I got today (i did but it has since vanished) but I didn't feel like saying that I actually just don't feel like being around drinking tonight. None of them drink too much, but they all drink.. most of the time I don't mind, but today.. and it kind of sucks because we don't meet up very often so I miss out on a lot. I've got to think of some events we can do without alcohol being part of the equation. Or maybe not. Maybe it's ok if I just go when I'm feeling strong and bag out when I'm not. And maybe I should just be honest with them about the reason. I just don't want them to feel bad or worry. I would love to have some real life non-drinking friends..

This is something I'm struggling with too. Only 4 days sober here, but already thinking about how my relationship will change with people who drink regularly. Do I tell them my "story"? Do I just ignore it? Do I cancel plans? Do I not show up when I get invites to Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas parties? Lots of questions - no answers yet!

Good luck navigating it all!

[lifechange]

Yeah, Thirdtime's.. I tend to go with how I'm feeling in my gut. These girls know my whole story and always provide me with a lot of support, delicious AF drinks.. and if I asked, they'd give it up while around me in a heartbeat.. having said that, while none of them have a problem with al, I know they do enjoy having a glass of wine when meeting up.
I still avoid parties where I know everything revolves around alcohol.. and if I'm feeling even a little bit vulnerable I won't go to dinner parties, etc. It seems there are varied ways of dealing.. some people know the full truth, others just know I don't "like" to drink/it doesn't agree with me, others don't know a thing as I'm never in a drinking atmosphere with them.
But I have to say, I don't know ANYONE who just flat out doesn't drink.. and the problem with the non problem drinkers is that they really enjoy the few they have, so there's no reason they'd ever want to give it up.. sometimes being around those people is most difficult.. like my friends tonight.
I was thinking I should try and become friends with some of the hard core people at the gym who wouldn't think of drinking for fear of putting their performance in jeopardy.. or where I (used to) meditate because they don't have a need..they are literally high on life!

[available]

Third and LC, if you think it will entice your al brain to drink then avoid it like the plague. No situation is worth going to if it tempts you.

Third i gave up on the 1st December 2013, i did it and it was hell but i did it. Today i can go out and seeing people drink does not phase me at all. That time will come when you feel like this but it takes time and in the meantime do what makes you feel comfortable, not what others want or you think others want. You are the priority. Hibernate if you have to, lie if you have to but just dont drink.

I hibernated for months and i am so glad i did. No occasion is worth a drink, no person is worth a drink.

[okoren1]

Most of you know how I alienated my youngest daughter because of the things I said to her while I was drunk 2 years ago, things no parent should ever say to any of their children. But that didn’t stop me from drinking, I continued for a few months after that till I ended up in hospital overnight in the suicide watch room because of trying to drink myself to death, literally! You think that would be about as rock bottom as you can get! It isn’t, I experienced a new “rock bottom” this weekend, almost 2 years after I quit drinking.

My daughter and I have had a very strained relationship for the past 2 years, not a lot of communication between us, but I keep trying. One can only say I’m sorry so many times. This past Friday she came home for Thanksgiving weekend, she stayed at her brother and sister-in-law’s. I texted her about coming over to our place and the reply was “I don’t think so, I’m rockin’ the relaxation over here, but thanks for the invite.” I called her the next day and it went to voicemail, I left a message and never got a reply. She’s going back to Calgary this morning, so I won’t get to see her.

It was a sad and painful weekend for me, a new rock bottom without even drinking. The point of my rambling is not to get pity, it’s to tell you that I did it to myself. I said those words to her while drinking, thinking that an “I’m sorry, I was drunk” apology would get me through like it did all those other times, it didn’t, not this time, they’d heard those words too many times.

.

Cowboy- WOW can I relate to the issues with your daughter! Essentially same thing happened to me. My youngest daughter saw me having a drink at a family event a few months ago, and then silence. I couldn't get her on the phone, couldn't set a dinner date, nothing.

FINALLY, she wrote me an email and said among other things that she knew I had a problem, that she (and my other adult kids) loved me and were concerned about me, but the AL was definitely a problem.

So, we agreed to meet for coffee- which happened a couple of weeks ago and we talked. I showed up very nervous, but prepared to talk about everything or anything with her. I launched into a broad update on my use (or lack) of AL, even mentioning my participation here on MWO. If I could redo our session, I would have done it differently. I would have started by asking her about her feelings on the topic and what was really at the heart of her concerns. When we got to that, she reiterated her love and concern for me. Boy that was powerful... I generally feel like such a looser because of my AL use; it was really energizing to hear that! I'd guess same is true with your daughter.

Understanding the substantial heart of her feelings, was very helpful for me to learn. Her biggest concern stemmed from seeing me drink heavily when she and the others were really young kids. I was a bit surprised, because they were so young, it didn't occur to me that they'd noticed. I was dead wrong. Second, she was less interested in knowing what steps I've taken on how I quit, more interested in knowing that it was over. Third, now using any amount of AL in her presence brought back a wave of those bad memories. Getting back to your rock bottoming process, if I needed any more ammo to support my quit, this added a lot. We finalized by my my promise that she would never have to witness this again.

My best advice would be to continue to pursue your daughter when the opportunity presents. Nobody wants to deal with conflict. I think this is especially true of our kids having to call us out for our actions. Is my relationship with my daughter totally resolved? No. As others have said here, it will take time. But, this coffee date was a significant catalyst on the road to a real healing, especially if I don't do anything to cause it to ever arise again. My prayers are with you my friend.

[okoren1]

This is something I'm struggling with too. Only 4 days sober here, but already thinking about how my relationship will change with people who drink regularly. Do I tell them my "story"? Do I just ignore it? Do I cancel plans? Do I not show up when I get invites to Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas parties? Lots of questions - no answers yet!

Good luck navigating it all!

ThirdTime, I actually do well being in a situation where others drink.

Works like this: If I am with others who don't know me very well, I simply say- I don't drink. Usually that's it. Amazing how many people there are out there who really don't drink.

If I am with people who knew I formerly drank, I say something non-descriptive like - as I get older, I found that my body doesn't tolerate alcohol like it used to. Again that simply ends the discussion about it. In this P-C age, nobody ever asks for details.

However, my secret weapon is: if the question is raised, especially early on in the evening, and I respond, per the above, it absolutely ensures that this evening will be safe! Even if I were slightly tempted, by going on the record as a non-drinker, it would be weird for me to later on, actually have a drink.