Newbies Nest

[Byrdlady]

Wow, Jvo, that is amazing about the guy promising his mom in heaven. It is a real gut punch when the person you love most in the world says he doesnt want to be married to a drunk. Thats what I was. Who does want that for a partner? I held resentment towards him for a while but that turned in to gratitude. He actually saved my life. Hard to resent that.
This is certainly a process and it takes time, as you know. You will get there! You have knocked out a wedding already so you will be even more comfortable next time. A plain wedding cake? Well that is elegant, too, did it taste good?

I'm all packed for my road trip this week. I have a trade show tomorrow so I have to go in tonight, its a long drive. 3 nights on the road, this used to be a drinking free-for-all for me. Id knock out my check-in call early to hubs so I could get stupid drunk in the privacy of my hotel room. Id set my clock and everything before I started so I wouldnt screw that up. I am simply amazed at the crazy gyrations I went thru to drink. I drank at all costs. The power of this addiction is scary. Do whatever it takes to break the cycle. I promise its worth it.
Hope everyone has an easy day. Byrdie

[j-vo]

I saw this in the toolbox and thought interesting as I do this...

5. Willpower is the wrong tool
An urge is a thought and all thoughts fade in time.
Willpower is using new thought to overpower old thought. It’s when you meet an old thought (e.g., “I sure could go for a drink”) with a new thought, hoping to squash the old one (e.g., “No! You will not have a drink! You are stronger than that!”)
Using new thought to overpower old thought gets you in a thought tug-of-war, where old thoughts are showered with attention. Attention actually makes them grow, not weaken.
Rather than trying to think yourself out of your old thoughts, let those old thoughts fade. Don’t focus on them in order to overpower them—remove your focus and let them take care of themselves. It’s much easier that way.

[Pavati]

Morning All:

DD- Sorry about what you're going through. Let us know if we can support you in any way. That's a lot to take on right now. I hope you have some in-person support, too.

G, send the rubber cement here to the left coast of the US - lots of storms here this weekend, but some much needed rain.

I think it was Kensho who said this, but I could be wrong - someone wanted some booze to escape after a long week. I was trying to convey this to my still drinking (and never going to quit) husband, but actually, truly and really, I have found ways to escape and relax that don't involve booze. My favorite because it is quick, easy and free is deep breathing. Of course it doesn't last forever, but it can get me into a space where I can then make some more rational and long-term decisions about how to de-stress. You all know that I can't say enough about exercise. My first year without alcohol I took a million "detox" baths (lavender and epsom salts). Hug my kids. Laugh hard. Write in a journal. ETC. I know it sounds so trite, but TIME (yes, I agree with you all on that) has allowed me to rethink my automatic "I need to relax and de stress" go-to choice that once was alcohol. I am now in a position where I don't FIRST think of alcohol. The exception to this is when I am in a group stressful situation because inevitably someone will say "I need a drink," or "we deserve a drink after this." I do remember that that first drink worked quickly to help me relax and think about other things, but the pain about doing it that way was I was avoiding the situation rather than working through them. As my favorite French-fur wearing Aussie likes to say, the only way out is through. I have been waffling in my posts lately. I think I am helping myself, too, by writing all of this out. Thanks for listening.

My teenager is starting to drink at parties, and I can't tell you the weird look I get when I tell him that alcohol and parties DO NOT have to go hand in hand. It is like I'm telling him that humans walk around on their elbows and sip octopus ink. He literally cannot imagine a party without booze. He doesn't drink at all of them, but really, and very sadly, there is no such thing as a party, teen aged or otherwise, without booze. Even 1-year-old birthday parties have the bottles of wine mixed in with the juice boxes. I feel like Don Quixote tilting at windmills, but the further I get from alcohol, the more I see it as a means to "allow" humans to escape our human-ness. I am not going to take on that particular societal fight at the moment, but I do quietly try to lead by example.

J-Vo - Glad you survived the wedding. Bummer that it wasn't a dancing band as that is my favorite part of weddings. Dancing is a GREAT stress release as well.

Hi, everyone else. Happy SOBER Sunday.

Pav

[Pavati]

Ok, Just re-read that Relapse in Retrospect thread. Here's one thing that stood out for me.

It was started by NoSugar who was then several months into her own quit. She was actively seeking the advice and experience of others so that she could set herself up for success. That's why I am so grateful to be on her heels - her constant exploration into what she needed to do to keep herself from drinking has helped me immeasurably. The idea that to succeed in this, a community of support and a WILLINGNESS to heed their advice, no matter how crazy it might seem, has been so important to me.

THANKS, NoSugar. As G would say, you RAWK.

xo

[KENSHO]

Such lovely and thoughtful posts. Jvo, it sounds like you embraced your feelings at the wedding and didn't hide from the pain. Good for you - way to be brave. Hugs.

My dad forgot that I don't drink. I texted him to ask if I could bring anything for dinner, and he said wine and/or sparkling water. I happened to have that half bottle of red wine left over from making stew a couple weeks ago, and I was about to pour it out because I didn't like seeing it in the bottom of my cupboard when I went to grab my mason jars. But instead, I brought that to him, and also brought sparkling water for me. It was weird for a moment seeing a corked bottle of wine in my drink holder - but not too weird. I don't associate that with "me" any more. We had a nice night together.

While I was with him, my husband took the kids to his parents house. He had a "talk" with his dad. When I asked him about it, I was so impressed at how he handled it. He really seems to want to deal with his shit and take responsibility for being the best person he can be. I think many people choose to not deal with abusive situations - he is facing it square on and I couldn't be more impressed.

Anyway have to run - lots of laundry and grocery shopping and possibly time for Halloween decorations - the kids LOVE that. Happy Sunday everyone!

[j-vo]

Evening,
What a nice day it was, weather and family. We shopped a bit, went for breakfast, and just are hanging around watching tv. Son will be staying until we take him back tomorrow evening.

Byrdie, yes, he saved your life, and, and I can understand your gratitude. Wow. I bet you used to wake up and go to your conferences feeling like poop. The few times I got to go to conferences, I did the same thing. I knew I was the only one feeling that bad, too. I always wondered if I smelled badly even though I showered. Paranoid, hungover, and insecure. Yuck. Enjoy your three days and learn lots!

Pav, great post. I am nervous about son at college and the drinking parties there. I know he goes, but I hope he can make good choices and know when to stop. I remember when I was his age, I used to count my drinks, because I knew the point of no return, when I would throw up. I hated that and I'd do what i had to so as to not have that experience. As time and decades wore on, I didn't have that spinning feeling which turned into running to the toilet. I just passed out. Sad, I know.

Kensho, glad you dinner with Dad went well. Sounds like you have a great relationship with him. Lately, with Dad staying with us, I've felt like a switch in our roles. I'm so concerned about him, his sadness and grief over mom. He looks weak, as he should, he lost his best friend. Next month he'll go down to florida and open the house, and I hope that he'll get out and golf and get back into normal life.

Going to watch some tv. Have a good night.

[Lavande]

Good evening Nesters,

Had a nice day here & even got to see my wounded but improving daughter. My SIL drove her out for the afternoon & we had a nice dinner too.
Sounds like everyone has had a good weekend, AF & moving forward

Pav, hope the storms aren't too bad.
J-vo, glad the wedding went well for you & your dad.

Wishing everyone a safe & comfy night in the nest!

Lav

[Justme Again]

Morning Nest

Just want to say hi and that I am doing fine.
Went to class reunion weekend. Had a bottle of some sort of shooters shuffed in my face, but turned it down -- repeatedly!
I was the party pooper.

Before that there was a group blow up about what we are going to eat. My opinion made me even less likeable... o, gosh... hated the weekend!!

Went through so many emotional things. The past. The school years. I have always been a loner. Like my own company. I struggle to find words to describe what I was thinking and feeling. Very glad I have 6 months sobriety and went in with an open head. It would have been a disaster if I still drank.

Gotta run. Will catch up with all that happened in Nest tonight.

Happy sober Monday!

[Guitarista]

Sounds like you were the star of the show there Just me. Rawkin the 6 mo sobriety! Yo!

Day 65 good to be alive. Don't forget the self love out there.

[j-vo]

Good for you Justme! No, sometimes it doesn't feel good, but you probably felt great the next morning while everyone else didn't.

Monday morning and have to run down to cafe duty. Feeling clear headed on a Monday morning is awesome. Grateful.

Have a great day.

[j-vo]

Lav, glad to hear your daughter is healing.:happy2:

[KENSHO]

Hi bright and shiny people. Well, I officially started my meditation practice this morning. 10 minutes. I feel calm and grounded. I was amazed at how hard it was to slow my breath - I had already had my seriously strong coffee, and got my adrenals going. I was feeling stressed and panicky, but now I feel calm. I will do what I can today, and take some time to walk my dog. I was reading a magazine yesterday about Deepak Chopra, and he would ask his kids growing up, "What do you want?" They would answer kid things at first, like "I want a candy bar, a trip to Hawaii and a new video game." Then he would ask them again to look a little deeper, "What do you REALLY want? Compassion, connection, intimacy..." I thought this was such a good solid (and hard) question to think about. What I want is not to complete another project, I want to feel whole and productive. I want to have my house in order, but I really want to feel "done" enough with chores so I can laugh with my kids and give myself permission to just sit with them. Understanding what I REALLY want is helping me also to evaluate my methods of trying to obtain those things. What I really want is to have more emotional intimacy in my relationships, to laugh more, and to positively affect the lives of others. I also want to create art, and feel clean and healthy.

Anyway, all of THAT after 10 minutes of meditation! What will I experience next?

I hope everyone has a day true to themselves.

[j-vo]

Love that Kensho. I can't be that deep right now, so I'm going to say I want a piece of chocolate, which I'm eating right now. Eventually, that sounds like a great thing to do. I'm always anxious, the day is always hectic with the kids, and I need to find time to breathe and slow down. I notice even when I'm walking or running to the copy machine, I could probably slow it down and just be a bit late. I would love to be more laid back, just roll with things, but for some reason, I don't. But it's something I'm sure I can work on, even if I slow down a bit.

[scottish lass]

J-vo. powerful post. thank you. I particularly liked your comment " I am not going to be ashamed"... I think this is big. I know that with me, when I have slipped, it becomes almost an ego thing, about when or if I/we come back here. Really tough to admit a set back, especially after weeks or months of previously glowing reports on our progress. You are very humble and forthright and I admire that.

I am here reading quietly and saw this - and need to get over my pride.
Not 100% sure what to write as a lot of it feels like excuses.
I am not drinking daily, or weekly - but I am not AF. I am not drinking like I used to, but a couple of times a month I am drinking - and I don't like it - so I have to stop.
I try to believe that I don't have a problem anymore as I am nothing like I used to be - however I am like I used to be - I wake up feeling bad because I have been drinking, and I want to stop - but I don't.
I thought I would read and sort myself out again, but I have read a few times recently and I haven't sorted myself out yet.
Today I feel low - and I don't like feeling like this - I have done so much when I have not been drinking, why do I risk it all?

So I have to leave my pride behind - and my feelings that I am ok, and get back on track - getting rid of my ego and doing something that makes me feel good about myself, and about everything else - day 1 (again!)

[lifechange]

Hi Nesters!!

Sooooo good to see you, SL! I was feeling exactly as you described when I came back.. not necessarily over doing it (at least not often), getting on somehow with work, etc.. but never feeling really good, always a bit ashamed/disappointed with myself for continuing to drink. We know in our hearts what we have to do.. and for me it has been a HUGE relief this time to surrender. I've honestly just given up the fight with myself. I know the truth. And at times it's been difficult.. especially finding healthy substitutes for relaxing and stressful situations.. sitting with discomfort. The 3P's (3 Principles discussion in general) thread that NS started has a lot of really good videos that have helped me.. and being in the Nest again!:love: I'm very happy you're back..

Kenso, great post! I believe 100% in the positive effects of meditation. and 10 minutes a day is really manageable.. good for you. You've inspired me to get started again..

J-vo, you're sounding great.. clear minded and up for coffee duty. Have I mentioned how nice it is to have you back in the Nest?:hug:

Justme, class reunions.. yuck, I can just imagine. I do much better in small groups/ one on one. I remember when I was younger we had to go to family reunions with people I unfortunately barely knew.. I always felt so uncomfortable and my aunt used to sing to me (supposedly as a joke), "every party's got a pooper that's why we invited you, party pooper, party pooper..". Not very nice anyway. I would love to know your food choice for dinner was! Glad it's over for you and great job rockin' the 6 months!

ok, I'm off.. I have a very full week with the kids on their Autumn break and me at work.. today when I got home I had 3 almost 12 year old's, 2 almost 15 year old's and then we were joined by 5 - 15 year old's.. and we don't have a huge flat! But they were all happy and I was sober so it was a good mix!

Hugs to everyone joining in here today.. and to all of you flying by.