Newbies Nest

[scottish lass]

Glad to be back - slept well last night, something about confessing helps??

Yes NS - a whole ton of AF time - this feels like handling a bit of a different problem. Taking it off the table completely - as others have said, I have reached many goals, and thought I was done - a week, a month, a year - take it or leave it, on and on - but never have I said never again. I love not drinking and I get in a good place, and have a drink as I am all better - then I have another, and see myself going back down the rabbit hole. I am very resolved when I feel yucky, when I feel low after drinking, but then when I get it straight it is amazing how quickly the bad 'never again" feelings get replaced with "look you can do it - just have one, it won't hurt"

I am glad to be back and feel comfortable in the nest, and sincerely hoping that this step will get me to where I want and need to be...accountability, support and guidance are all here for me...
Thank you for the welcome back...

[Overit-still]

It amazes me how much I resort to wanting to numb myself. I've had a rough 4 days and last night that's all I wanted. I wasn't craving a drink but someway to just say F*ck It! I wanted to just eat and eat but I had nothing yummy to satisfy me, then I thought OK, what about a cigar? But then I thought I would probably puke. So in the end I "smoked" a little. That sucks. Only because it's something I have to lie about, just like drinking. Hmmmm......

[NoSugar]

If you have a moment today, please share something in your life that you're incredibly thankful for. I'd love to read all your positive and uplifting thoughts. Sometimes when I'm feeling down, I just take a few minutes to write down all the things I am thankful for, and it makes me realize just how fortunate I am, and it puts the stressors in perspective - it often changes my whole day. Have a great day everyone. We are all lucky to be here.

I read your post earlier this morning and have been thinking about my answer. Overit captured it for me; this is what I am most grateful to have behind me:

...because it's something I have to lie about, just like drinking.

An inauthentic life, which is what I was living, is soul-CRUSHING. I was consumed with planning, sneaking, and hiding, all while trying to appear that I was large and in charge -- that I was fine and had a "perfect" life. It was EXHAUSTING. I was never happy because how to satisfy my addiction yet again later that day was always running through my mind and I couldn't accept any praise or admiration because I knew what a sham I was. People were complimenting a woman who didn't really exist. It made me feel worse. Living a lie makes for a life full of fear and insecurity.

All of that is GONE. There seem to be so many hours in a day! My less-than-perfect life is fine - I'm no longer trying to appear to be someone I'm not and am so much more able to accept my flaws. I don't feel like I have to prove anything anymore - to others or myself.
I am SO SO SO thankful to be free and have MWO to thank for that. You are right - we are very lucky to be here.

[Pavati]

Hi, Nest,

Welcome SL! Glad you're here. I missed you.

What I am grateful for is the FREEDOM from alcohol. Even when I didn't drink too much, I was thinking about it, not sleeping well, over eating, and generally feeling insecure on the inside as I faced my family and career with false bravado. Since I quit drinking I have found a personal and professional confidence I didn't even know I had, and I feel strong and happy. Even though I occasionally have those drinking thoughts, I don't want to drink, and I am thankful to say I DON'T DRINK. Phew.

As for those thoughts - another epiphany for me this last couple of years. Thoughts are not truths. The women on the Bubble Hour have a great show on this, and we've talked about it here. I had heard that before but never really pondered it - what does that even mean? Now I found that belief not only works with alcohol, but with other things as well. But I MOST DEFINITELY connect with the "I'm home alone let's DRINK!" feeling. That was one of my big drinking times.

Overit - you said it. Who wants something we have to lie about in our lives. Stay close here and try posting maybe? I find that helps me get out some of those feelings.

Tony, I agree with everyone - you had such a sober swagger. I know it is still in you. If AB helps you get there, use it as a tool. I do have a feeling, as it seems you do, that eventually you'll have to deal with the reason behind the urges that you act upon without the AB, but that might be more easily done with a clear and alcohol free head.

I feel the tension of the holiday season coming on. I HATE that there is so much to do in a time when I think we should be hunkered down in our caves sitting by the fire and gnawing on bones. I look ahead and my weekends are surely filling up for the next few months. I really need to work on setting boundaries during this time of year, but my LARGE and NEARBY extended family sometimes take my No as an offense. I still need to do what I need to do.

Happy Tuesday.
Pav

[wagmor]

I like to think of it as a spiral, rather than a circle of recovery.

We don't have to be content with going back round to being the person we were before we became addicted - we have the opportunity to learn, grow, and evolve upwards and outwards, becoming people who don't have the mistaken idea that we need something from the outside to be okay. It is hard to believe, but I think we all can benefit from having had this experience if we choose to let it be the springboard to awareness and growth.

Yes, this ^^^ !!! I definitely meant a spiral moving upward and toward growth

[Guitarista]

Morning Nesters,



I haven't told anyone in person of my quit - not even my wife. I am sure she must have noticed, but it's not something we have talked about yet. I imagine she doesn't want to get her hopes up. We have an 18 month old son who is the most amazingly funny, playful and happy little guy I have ever known. And while my drinking may have caused me to miss out on much of his life so far, I know I will not miss another moment.

If you have a moment today, please share something in your life that you're incredibly thankful for. I'd love to read all your positive and uplifting thoughts. Sometimes when I'm feeling down, I just take a few minutes to write down all the things I am thankful for, and it makes me realize just how fortunate I am, and it puts the stressors in perspective - it often changes my whole day.

Have a great day everyone. We are all lucky to be here.

ThirdTimesACharm

Lucky to be here indeed 3T! Good timing with the little fella at 18 mths. Go for it friend.

I am grateful for this, my current crack at sober living. Only 67 days in, but building the foundations stronger and stronger with each sober day. i am grateful for my upbringing, and all of my experiences so far that have brought me to this point. I note it's only when i am sober do i notice my potential and blazing light. the inner resources seem to be infinite! I think we all have this.

thought management for me such as not running from scary thoughts, but instead looking them in the eye and acknowledging their presence, then saying....'look, it's been swell and i thank you, but you may go now' has been a huge help with cravings and emotional balance.

L8tr g8trs.

[Justme Again]

Hi Nest

Pav - THOUGHTS ARE NOT TRUTHS - WOW! I need to spend some time with this line for a while. It can be a game changer on every level in life. That and to practice the pause before acting on things.


I am staying in a guest house this week in the city. Trying to figure out if I should move or not. So, no smoking in the rooms causes me to sneak around outside a couple of times a night. Thought it was weird that I hear a beep everytime I take a pull, just to realize I was sitting right next to a motion detector... This place is full of security cameras and beams! Made me feel stupid and angry, but it all disappeared when I imagined what that cctv footage would have looked like if I was still drinking... !

[j-vo]

Wow...great posts from everyone. This is amazing. Truly. NS, you're a genius. I love your analogies and such sensible advice. Right this minute, I'm grateful for all of this. I need all of you, and I have you. Everyone has something special to add all the time. Everyone has a unique personality that I enjoy. So...thanks all.

[Lavande]

Good evening Nesters!

WOW, there are way too many posts to respond to tonight. My granny brain is too tired, ha ha!
But I will say this - I was so completely & utterly tired of disappointing myself over & over when I finally quit for good. I made a solemn vow to myself & was determined to never touch another drop, so far so good! I quit for ME! I wanted my life back, I wanted my freedom back & I wanted to feel good about myself once again. So whatever you decide is most important to you make that your goal. Be proud of yourselves once again, it's awesome

Wishing everyone a safe & comfy night in the nest!

Lav

[wagmor]

What I am grateful for:

- Finally waking the eff up and getting back to my quit so I can fully and healthfully my life
- Being in a loving and healthy marriage with a partner who fully embraces and supports my quit
- The nest and all my fellow nestlings (including the not-so-newbies who stick around and provide such great advice, support, and camaraderie) - ditto what jvo said, I need you all

Tonight, I am especially grateful to be on Day 87 and going strong with my AF life. I'm self-employed and have recently started trying to grow my business in a new direction. Tonight I met with and landed another new client. I have to be sober to do a good job and make a good impression at these meetings. I have a lot to learn if I'm going to succeed with this new biz, and I have to be sober to study and do research. The way my work schedules out, I usually have clients in the mornings and sometimes evenings. Afternoons are my study/research time and also my fun time. No way could I maintain this schedule if I'm drinking. I feel so free, like I've broken out of shackles - the shackles of AL that used to dictate so much of my schedule and used to hold me back from pursuing some of my dreams.

Have a safe night all (or day, depending on where you're at )

[Mr Vervill]

Hi all,
I'm here, long work weekend out of town, 3 days, followed by an unexpected out of town funeral. MIL of my sister. 88 years old, fell last week, and died a few days later. Thankfully not a lot of pain, and no prolonged time in recovery. She had a good life, and the family was not despondent. She loved life and they loved her. I glad I took the time to go. (posted this in the steppers thread).
I 'm sorry but have not had time to read back.
I wanted to share this story that came up in my facebook thread, such as sad demise to an alcoholic. A kindergarten teacher, who was fired for drinking on the job, and ended up committing suicide 3 months later. It speaks to the shame that many of us face, especially when dealing with getting help. So tragic.
More importantly it deals with the underlying reason why we drink to excess. While many of us have not had such a traumatic experience as the subject of the article, we all have our reasons, even if we're not yet sure what they are, and where they come from.
Just food for thought.
Here's the link: This kindergarten teacher was fired for being drunk. Three months later, she was dead. | The Star-Telegram

[starty]

Hi, Nest,


What I am grateful for is the FREEDOM from alcohol. Even when I didn't drink too much, I was thinking about it, not sleeping well, over eating, and generally feeling insecure on the inside as I faced my family and career with false bravado. Since I quit drinking I have found a personal and professional confidence I didn't even know I had, and I feel strong and happy. Even though I occasionally have those drinking thoughts, I don't want to drink, and I am thankful to say I DON'T DRINK. Phew.


Pav

Thanks Pav, you have put into words exactly how I feel when I am drinking. The insecurity is overwhelming and numbing and I cannot see a way out if I am not completely sober. I actually never realised it was insecurity that paralysed me, I just thought it was depression and I had no control over it. Thank you for putting my feelings into words

[j-vo]

I've had anxiety all of my life. Severe. I couldn't sit in a small meeting without breaking out in hives. This happened for a good part of my career. I hated myself, wanted to give up on life. The depression went along with it. I've read that at least 60 percent of alcoholics have anxiety. I drank to deal with the pain. That was really only one reason and maybe an excuse. But I drank and drank. I'm much better now, as I think I've grown out of some of the anxiety, but it still comes and goes.

The article on the Kindergarten teacher was heartbreaking. So sad. This is what alcoholism can do to any of us. We have an addiction just like she did. We are not immune to a deadly consequence as she wasn't either. But it's a good reminder to what really can happen, one of the bad things that can happen if we drink. Just one drink can lead to death.

[wagmor]

Overit - Wanting to numb myself has always been one of my primary reasons for drinking. Sometimes I just don't want to "feel" whatever I'm feeling at the time. I had my fair share of drinking to celebrate, but an awful lot of my drinking was when I was alone and just wanted an escape from hard feelings of sadness, physical/emotional pain, regret, anger, whatever. All excuses of course. What types of things do you now do instead when you want to numb yourself?

ThirdTime - Getting to enjoy your 18-month-old will be an excellent positive to being AF!

Pav - My "grateful" post reflected something very similar to yours - grateful for being FREE from Al. It's an amazing and empowering feeling, isn't it! Thanks also for mentioning the Bubble Hour - I had forgotten about that resource, and am glad for the reminder.

JustMe - Glad you're staying AF and that you weren't heading outside for drinks to be captured by the security cameras. I hope that your time in the guest house helps you decide whether or not to move. Moving can be so stressful, but it can also be a chance for at least somewhat of a clean slate.

Mr Verv - Thanks for sharing the link to the article about the K teacher. So heartbreaking. I really wish we all (on an individual and societal level) understood addiction better. In the U.S. it's often framed as a character flaw, simply a sign that a person is weak or lazy or similar. This view adds to the overall shame an addict feels, and also adds to the difficulty in seeking treatment when that might be the best option. Sigh...

[ThirdTimesACharm]

Morning Nesters,

Cleaned out my home office last night. Found a stash of 6 empty 1.5L vodka bottles in the back of a cabinet that I must have forgotten to sneak into the trash. A stark reminder of how enslaved I was to the bottle.

Ugh...

I know this is a long road and I need to be kind to myself especially during the first few months, but as I start to get sober I think more about how I behaved when I was drinking, and I'm just so freaking ashamed by it all. I wonder what people thought of me? Did they know I was a drunkard?

I know one of the 12 AA steps is to make amends to people you've alienated. How do you all feel about this? Is there any value in it? I should say I am not religious or god-believing at all and that is really what turned me off AA in the first place.

So many emotions to deal with. Feels like I'm on a bit of a rollercoaster.

Have a good one.