Newbies Nest

[NoSugar]

Morning Nesters,

Cleaned out my home office last night. Found a stash of 6 empty 1.5L vodka bottles in the back of a cabinet that I must have forgotten to sneak into the trash. A stark reminder of how enslaved I was to the bottle.

I was so mortified by finding empties, TTAC. I remember getting up super early to check all my standard "hiding places" in case there was evidence from the night before to dispose of. How sad that I woke up not knowing exactly what had happened. When I joined MWO and read threads like this one, it made me feel a lot better because before then, I truly believed I was the only person who did such things.

I know this is a long road and I need to be kind to myself especially during the first few months, but as I start to get sober I think more about how I behaved when I was drinking, and I'm just so freaking ashamed by it all. I wonder what people thought of me? Did they know I was a drunkard?

Continuing to beat yourself up for the past makes you less able to make the future you want. You're deliberately re-living the pain of something that isn't even happening right now. You don't need to do that.
When I felt most awful about myself for drinking, I drank to escape the thoughts, perpetuating the seemingly hopeless cycle. Remember this from The Little Prince?:

“Why are you drinking? - the little prince asked.
- In order to forget - replied the drunkard.
- To forget what? - inquired the little prince, who was already feeling sorry for him.
- To forget that I am ashamed - the drunkard confessed, hanging his head.
- Ashamed of what? - asked the little prince who wanted to help him.
- Ashamed of drinking! - concluded the drunkard, withdrawing into total silence.
And the little prince went away, puzzled.
'Grown-ups really are very, very odd', he said to himself as he continued his journey.”

This is a time to be as kind to yourself as you can. Treat yourself like you would treat your adorable little son if he were recovering from a serious illness, which in many ways is exactly what you are doing.

I know one of the 12 AA steps is to make amends to people you've alienated. How do you all feel about this? Is there any value in it? I should say I am not religious or god-believing at all and that is really what turned me off AA in the first place.

Apologizing because an institution of any sort says you have to be probably isn't going to be a sincere apology. Apologizing when you mean it can help you and the person who you may have hurt. However, verbal apologies don't mean much and can actually cause more pain if they aren't backed up by action. Over time you'll be able to show the people around you who you really are.

All the best, NS

[abcowboy]

I'm almost 2 years sober and I'm still finding empty beer cases in some of our outbuildings! I usually get a chuckle out of how I hid them so good, or couldn't remember where I hid them lol. It's a great reminder of what I left behind, literally!

[Justme Again]

Hi TTAC

I understand your post very well. I was called out at work for smelling of booze. It had my head spinning. Who knew? Who else knew?? First 9 days sober was due to humiliation-shock and fear of losing my job.

I figured that there were little hints from people the last two years that they could pick up on my problematic drinking. And it got worse and worse as the months passed till I had to stop.
As far as apologies go I think I'll take the interactions of the last two years. BUT, I am not ready to say I am sorry. Thinking of sending an email to my mom to say that I am not angry or hate any of them, but need time to sort myself out. But still, I don't really feel that way. I am angry and also scared that it will trigger me to drink. For now I will focus on what I need to do to recover. I hope life (mine and theirs) unfold naturally so that we don't have to be estranged.

Don't know about AA. If it helps - cool, but not my cup of tea. I am also not religious.

[Overit-still]

Good morning.

Wagmore-I don't do anything yet. I haven't figured out what to do with myself. I sip my diet 7-up and read in front of the fire under a blanket.

Day 15 here and no regrets yet. A little bit of voices popping in saying I can enjoy one night of controlled drinking, just for relaxation and reward. YA RIGHT!

[scottish lass]

Morning - well it is here. I was smiling on my way to work today, and then recalled how great that feeling felt a couple years back when I was first starting to realize the benefits of being AF. It is great to be feeling that way again - do wish I could remember the bad feelings each time I considered having a drink - those voices sure kick in in the evening Overit! Just have to keep pushing them away - mornings are so very good! So, grateful today for feeling good in the morning.

[lifechange]

Hi Nesters!
Amazing posts the past couple of days.. what a busy place we have here.. Overit, so good to see you back. Sitting in front of a fire, under a blanket, reading a book sounds like bliss.. my go-to lately has been tea. I have a huge selection of herbal teas and somehow it's taken the place of alcohol as far as ritual goes.. when I get home from work I head straight to the water cooker and make myself a tea.
I've had some annoying drinking thoughts coming out of nowhere lately.. the other morning at work (8am) I was alone and stressed and thought about drinking wine to improve my mood.. I thought about what that really meant. After one drink, drinking as much as possible before my co-worker arrived at 830 and then not being able to have anything more until after work, smelling like booze when I have fairly close contact to others, not being clear in my mind to discuss ideas and plans with my boss, coming home to children for whom I wouldn't have any energy and with whom I wouldn't even want to spend time because I'd just want to drink, beginning the cycle all over again, gravely disappointing my not-quite-ex who somehow still believes in me and my ability to stay sober.. I thought of how much I love my mornings and how proud of myself I've been these past weeks.. I thought of how quickly everything could and would turn to shit with that one drink.. In the past I haven't proved to be very good at thinking things through, usually I have a knee jerk reaction and just down it, not wanting to think.. but I've learned from you all, sharing your stories.
My life is finally taking a turn, my ways of thinking, my ways of interacting with others. I have a calmness and equilibrium (not always!:happy2 that is allowing me to listen and to accept others as they are.. this is new to my control-freak self and it feels SO good. Like some of you mentioned recently, not being ashamed of myself, not living in constant conflict with myself, allows me to accept who I am, to be able to look people in the eye, to show my face instead of hiding.. I think you said, NS, that while you were drinking you couldn't accept compliments because you knew you were a fake.. that's how I always felt, too. Like a fake and phony.. scared to death someone would figure me out. Now I can be honest and am learning to stand firmly on my feet. Grounded. That's what I'm most grateful for.

There are so many posts I wanted to respond directly to, but now they've all swarmed together in my mind.. We are all together here, working on making better lives for ourselves. I have to thank each and every one of you for having the strength to do that and for being here. Through that I learn so much, each and every day I have new tools in my box, things to think about .. I feel supported.:hug:

[KENSHO]

Hi All! Dropping in for a quick read and comment. NS, I can relate so completely to your post about feeling like a fraud. Feeling secretly ashamed prevented me from genuineness in so many areas of my life - and I allowed my boundaries to be broken. Here I am at only day 69, but I AM feeling true to myself. Isn't that what we all are here to do - to present the world with the unique gift that we all are? Not to hide, feel down on ourselves.

LC - yes, support to you! Great work talking through all your temptations and reconciliations. You WILL feel as good and clean and clear as you felt before when you didn't drink. It doesn't take long - you will be there before you know it!

Lovely fall day here and I'm enjoying it. On to work!

Scottish Lass, Overit, 3T,

[available]

Morning nesters

Some great posts on here.

Mr V what a sad sad story and it just shows what al can do especially when we the alcoholic cant see a way out of the pit and blame ourselves. No one is better off dead due to this addiction and no one should judge us but they do.

Just, you need to be kind to yourself. The healing for us takes time, a lot of time and some of it is hard to deal with (thus why i think of relapse) and then there are good times. I am still trying to heal my relationship with my mother after nearly 3 years, i still feel guilty and angry with her but the healing hopefully is in progress. She is visiting and staying with my son at the moment, i dont really want to see her but i do, i am scared of her putting me down and me wanting a drink but i am talking and emailing her. She emailed yesterday and said she will be in Melbourne and would catch a tram out to see me for lunch. Well i was shocked to say the least but i am also happy that maybe she realises that she also needs to move forward with me and it cant be one sided. Time will tell.

Third, i am just grateful to be alive and that i was strong enough to stop al and live the life i want and deserve. I am sure i would be dead now or be a very sad shell of a person if i was still drinking and for that each and everyday i am thankful that i gathered the strength and had the support of my children and here. Nothing will take off me what i have now except that first drink. I am not scared of life, i have determination and drive, i wont let people walk all over me and give in as i am ashamed. I am not scared anymore.

Over, if you dont want to do anything then dont. I had a rule in my head that if i did three things a day then i was okay, even if it was doing the dishes, making a cup of tea and having a shower. I probably achieved more in those three things than when i was drinking.

SL, i found a photo of me drunk and stone with slits for eyes that i used to look at when i stopped drinking. It reminds me of what i never want to do again. I shudder when i look at it now.

I woke up this morning and my 14 year old dog is finding it hard to breathe. well there goes work and my anxiety is up there and i am off to the vets with my daughter as she knows what i am like. I cant imagine life without her but i realise that i may have to. If i had of been drinking i would have been hungover, would have driving and would have been planning my drinking to deal with the stress. Instead she will have the best care from me and the vets and she will be safe.

Take care x

[Guitarista]

Isn't that what we all are here to do - to present the world with the unique gift that we all are? Not to hide, feel down on ourselves.

Right on big buddy. And no question mark required.

Very sad news about the teacher. Beautiful young woman with a whole life ahead of her. She was not a bad person. There was nothing wrong with her. But try telling me that if i cannot see my self worth and have not learnt the skills to cope with self doubt, anxiety, any sort of trauma past or present. As a bloke who's been around the block a few times, it's not hard to see that we have to learn how look after ourselves. Make a conscious mental and emotional shift within ourselves. A daily conscious decision to stop the negative self talk, stop putting ourselves down by whispering to ourselves...'you idiot, why did you do that?'. Making an effort to learn what we can about managing our thoughts and choosing the useful thoughts, and leaving the harmful ones alone, to disappear in their own time. Daily self care, caring self talk, doing something we love to do for only us. We are not bad people. That teacher was not a bad person. In fact, like us, she was creative, smart and had so much to offer herself and the world.

Hope your pup will be ok Ava. I know how stressful a sick older pet can be. Take care of yourself mate.

Day 68. Take it easy.

[KENSHO]

Ok. Logging in because I'm craving a drink like nothing else. Ugh! I'm feeling really bad at my job right now. We are on the tail end of a project with VERY details specifications and drawings, and I can't get it off my plate! The clients are getting weary and frustrated and all these little details are just NOT coming together. They are starting to jump in, which makes it harder, and I just want it done and good. I have waited too long on a few items, and they are coming back to bite me. I've been here all day and feel like I have no progress to show for it, just shuffled emails, more questions, etc. Then I open Facebook, and there's wine staring me in the face saying, "I'll take the pain for awhile - you can escape with me and not feel with me." GOSH that sounds great. So I'm posting and feeling like shit and breathing. Because tomorrow is a new day, and tonight is a new hour and I can take a break and shift my energy. Oh, and dinner. Haven't even started that - there's too much!!! Ack. Breathing and I think I'll walk the dog.

[Guitarista]

Hi Kensho,

These are the exact scenarios that have tested me, and you in the past when i have chosen to drink for that quick fix. You have strategies, and posting here and walking the dog sound like the ticket. C'mon my friend. You rock. You are good at what you do. stick with your valuable life saving quit.

[Justme Again]

Hi Kensho

Remember that a craving doesn't last for too long.
Yes, go walk with the dog. Panic makes us stupid. If you can calm down and look at what needs to be done in logical order could help with the project.
McDonalds for dinner?

[Guitarista]

I agree Justme. Breaking a big task/project right down as far as we have to so it starts to look do-able, in order, and something we can handle. Good idea Kensho? oh yeah, shut down damn Facebook.

[NoSugar]

Think about how sad it is that a message like that is on FB, on billboards, and really, all around us. It is hard to resist sometimes but in the long run, we're the lucky ones who know what a load of crap it is - alcohol is and always will be a poison.

[j-vo]

Kensho,
I hate FB sometimes for that very reason. If I start to see too much of that, I log off. Remember what you did the other morning? The meditation. Take 10 minutes and do some deep breathing. Just stop, do it, get a cup of tea, and relax. This urge will pass. It always does if we don't fight it. When you completely relax, you can't be tense. Hang in there K. Everything will work out the way it should.