Newbies Nest

[wagmor]

Jvo - Sounds like a wonderful day ahead - I hope you enjoy it to the fullest!

LC - Thanks for the kind words shared in recent posts. Glad to hear about the fun day you had with your daughter - sounds delightful all the way around.

Gman and Kensho - Congrats on passing 85 days - you'll both be in triple digits before you know it!

Ann - Really enjoying the stories you've been sharing on here - thanks for being so open. I'm working on re-building myself too, or maybe peeling off the outer layers I'd created that don't feel authentic to my true self. It's an amazing journey, isn't it?

Justme and Lav - sounds like you are both having very enjoyable AF weekends as well - love it!

Byrdie - yep, weekends (or other days) of the drinking starting sometime in the morning were more regular for me than I like to remember. When I was at my worst, I'd start about 5 mins after everyone else had left for the day. Feels pathetic from this perspective now, 100+ days out. So glad we're both off that path to self-destruction!

Really feeling grateful and full of appreciation for this group and our wonderful nestie thread - thank you all for being here.

[wagmor]

I found myself thinking ahead yesterday... I recently passed one of my goals of reaching 100 days AF. My next target is to get past where I fell off my last quit. I read back through the roll call and found my previous login (wagmore) and confirmed that I made it to 150 days before I fell off the map. This time I'll reach 150 around Dec 20. When I realized that yesterday, I found myself starting to bargain internally about the holiday period coming immediately after that - xmas and new year's eve/day. I found myself thinking about how 150 would be great, and then I could "celebrate" a few times over the holidays and restart my quit for the new year.

And then I stopped.

WTF??? No, I'm not just looking to hit targets and to beat my previous quit. I hadn't realized I was thinking that way, but apparently part of me was.

I am so glad I had these thoughts NOW when I'm feeling strong with my quit. I can squelch them immediately and develop a plan now for ensuring the above-mentioned thoughts do not transform into reality. I cannot continue with this mentality of reaching certain targets or goals in terms of days. I know my success depends on making al completely non-negotiable and that this lifestyle is forever, not just until I reach a certain number of days/months/years. At the same time, I find that having those target numbers is very helpful in the moment - knowing Day 100 or Day 150 or whatever is just around the corner sometimes helps me stay AF when tempted. And the little mini celebrations of milestones are fun and feel rewarding.

How do others balance this? Do you use target goals in terms of days, or no?

[Byrdlady]

So I thought I would go ahead and wash my good dishes and just store then in the dishwasher (having a house full for Thansgiving). I walked into the kitchen and the whole floor is full of sudsy water, the darn thing is leaking! Wah!!!

Well, I guess the floor will get a good cleaning now, too.

Oy. Glad I am sober!
Wags, planning ahead is KEY. As they say, failing to plan is planning to fail. Great job on recognzimg trouble!
Happy Sunday, all! Byrdie

[lifechange]

Happy Sunday, Nesters!

I don't have so much to say today.. but I love to have the time to stop by and see how everyone is doing..
Tomorrow is Monday and I'm dreading it the tiniest bit. I guess because I'm really enjoying holing up at home. I think if I had my way, if it were financially possible, I'd hibernate for the next 4 months!:happy2: Wishing you all a nice day..

[Pavati]

Hi, All:

Good looking out, Wags! Glad you caught that. I read up on relapse a lot when I first came because I wanted to see what happened to people. It seems that drinking is the last step to relapse. Identifying those habits leading up to drinking - and then stopping them or getting help, is key. (Google stages of relapse and you'll find a lot of information, and the Bubble Hour on relapse was great - Ellie, one of the founders of the podcast, started drinking after 5 years sober. That was crazy and terrifying to me until I worked to understand what was behind the relapse so I could avoid it myself.)

Your question was a great paradox to me - how can I say "forever" and take the option off the table, while simultaneously taking it one day at a time? I figured out that both are true. The choice had to be off the table, but I didn't have to worry about the future days that "might" be difficult, rather I had to just not drink in any given moment. I am a counter - I measure mileage, laps, steps, etc., and use those measurements to attain goals. I posted regularly in the Roll Call and now in the Super Sober Sunday Shoutouts. Those numbers give me a sense of accomplishment. But today I am not worried about the event in January that will be a big booze fest, I am just going to stay sober today. That still doesn't entirely make sense, but it works for me.

We in the US have an extra hour today - time to get out and enjoy the crisp fall weather. I am looking forward to it. Hope all is well in Nest land.

Pav

[Guitarista]

Hi, All:

It seems that drinking is the last step to relapse. Identifying those habits leading up to drinking - and then stopping them or getting help, is key. (Google stages of relapse and you'll find a lot of information, and the Bubble Hour on relapse

Your question was a great paradox to me - how can I say "forever" and take the option off the table, while simultaneously taking it one day at a time? I figured out that both are true. The choice had to be off the table, but I didn't have to worry about the future days that "might" be difficult, rather I had to just not drink in any given moment. today I am not worried about the event in January that will be a big booze fest, I am just going to stay sober today. That still doesn't entirely make sense, but it works for me.

Yo nesters near and not so far. Gr8 post Pav!

Hi Wags. I've been a serial relapser in recent times so i wouldn't be listening to me, but after thinking about it within for awhile, my approach is like Pavs. One day at a time, because that's what i can handle. I can handle and deal with today. The future is too big, plus it may never even happen. And/or won't happen the way i think it will. 6 months is my goal after 100 days, because recent quits have achieved 3/4/5 months then back to day 1. I see there are yuuuuuoge benefits for me and my life if i continue living sober and growing. So roll on today. It's early monday morning here and i'm gonna embrace and love today, no matter who no matter what, no matter where.

[scottish lass]

Good to see such reflection and strength from everyone - we are achieving goals here, in many different manners but all moving forward!
Did my run - the advertised 5K is really a 6K - that's why my time on this race is greater than the others - but I did better than last two years, so moving forward there too. Almost chose to stay in bed - really not the most fun, but it is good for me!

Proud mama moment here - have to boast here, as you guys will really get this. I have two girls, one just turned 18 and the other nearly 16. So far they have shown minimal interest in drinking and drugs, but I always hold my breath. My 18yr old boasts to her friends that her mother doesn't drink - lots of friends parents seem to have problems. Anyhoo - this weekend was a big ballgame between their HS and the local private HS - I asked why they weren't going. My eldest has been starting to enjoy these events in her senior year, and her group of friends were going. She didn't go as two were planning to drink, and two were planning to smoke weed - and she did not want to have any part of it. She is truly making her own decisions - and how grateful I am that she feels this way. The pair of them had a lovely discussion, and I sat quietly listening - this was NOT me at their age, not sure where they get their wisdom from, but I am loving it!
I have been very quiet about my drinking/not drinking struggles with them, my family are all drinkers - so different...

Wags - good realizations - I am a relapser too, and a self-bargainer - I have to look to Pav and just look at each day as it comes, and chose not to drink today. I got over a year, and then felt that I could just drink here and there, which I basically did - but I don't really want to - I don't like how it makes me feel - one glass is fine, the next couple are not. I still don't stop at one when I start, even if I start very rarely - so I need to not start. I am choosing to not start just today - and I have not thought further than today - when I look beyond today, that's when I start to bargain and it all goes to pot! One day becomes another day, then that day in the future has come and gone with little fuss. Rinse and repeat!

[j-vo]

Wow, great posts and discussions. I know that serial relapsing has been me for the past almost decade. Look where that got me. Back to day one's, no better mentally or physically. As they say, each time gets worse, and that's the truth. So making it through each day, as we only have this day promised, is what I'm doing. When I think about people with long-term abstinence, it becomes a lifestyle. Right now, it's tough work. I know that it won't be tough work forever, unless I keep relapsing. Stringing one day at a time until we wake up one day and we have one year, then two, then three and on and on is what I'm after. That will be a celebratory day/s and I'll be proud.

Busy, productive day. And for a few hours, hung out at Pitt with my college boy. Went to lunch, starbucks, and did a little shopping. I'm so grateful he lost his $100 calculator!! Not really, but what a great excuse to have to drop his new one off.

I'm feeling tired already! Loooong day today with the extra hour. Night.

[Lavande]

Good evening Nesters,

Great to see everyone enjoying an AF weekend
Loving this awesome fall weather, my favorite time of the year (if you don't count the allergies) Ha ha!!

The one day at a time theme was a big deal for me in the beginning. So much so that I put it in my signature line & it's still there to this day. I am happy, grateful & proud that I will be celebrating 8 years in March. I know I will make it because I just don't drink anymore, my choice. It takes a good long while until you fully accept the concept of 'forever' but you will, if that's what you really want

Wishing everyone a safe & comfy night in the nest!

Lav

[Justme Again]

Morning Nest!

Here the new week begins and I am looking forward to it!

Wagmore - what keeps me sober and setting goals is a couple of things. It occured to me that there were different views of the reality of my drinking - talking about problems with my family. I don't see what they are seeing. So, after 18 months our brains work as well as the normal brain. I want to see how my thinking would be different. Should I apologize or what way to clear matters.
The drinking gets worse with every relapse and I won't be able to hold a job if I drink again.
What really, really helps is to see alcohol for what it is - a poison!
Finally, I want 5 years. After 5 years relapse is very rare. I would appreciate an attempt from me to maximize my success.

Hope it helps.

Have a great Monday!

[mario]

Hi folks hope you are well today.

Wagmore, When I stopped this time, I knew it was for good as I surrendered to my addiction in the way that I accepted I cant drink anymore or like a social drinker, It just wasn't me now and hadn't being for years.

I stopped in January and made the goal to St Patricks day in march, where I had a plan in place to get me outa of the city for the day, I then put another goal till April which is my birthday (pleasenote)and once again had a plan in place for that day.

Next one was June as it was my elder siblings 50th birthday party and all were family were obliged to attend, With my family being heavy drinkers it was hard, but I did go and drink green tea and lo n behold there were others there drinking tea to.

I then put my sight on Christmas ,another huge drinking excuse for me, Put I had the further goal of January which if I got there I be a year clean, I did get there and haven't looked back since.

TLDR, Yes I did count the days & months with pride and achievement, IMO it helps you go with the positive flow.

[available]

Afternoon nesters

Well the assessment i am doing is nearly done, i seem to procrastinate a lot more now i dont drink but eventually it does get finished. Before things never got started to be finished so i have come a long way.

Wags, i gave up 1/12/13 and i turned 50 in the April. I kept telling myself that i would celebrate with a couple of drinks as dammit that was a special birthday and i could control my drinking surely by then. As the time got closer i started to think of how much i had gained in my sober time, how much better my health was, my work, my sleep, my bank account. Then i thought of the positives of having a couple of drinks and there was nothing. Who was i kidding, i accepted i was an alcoholic, i accepted that those two drinks would turn into many more, that for ten years i could not have a couple and go without till the next celebration, everyday was a bloody celebration of god knows what. I looked at a photo i have of my drunken days and i so didnt want to go there. I had to learn to say no to those "special" times and i had to still listen to those wise oldies on here that it gets easier with time. Occasionally i have fleeting thoughts of a drink and then it passes or i ask myself how it would feel coming on mwo and saying i had drank or telling my children or just letting me down. I let myself down for years by drinking and i dont deserve to let myself down anymore. Today i have so much to be grateful and happy for.

J, glad you had a lovely time with your boy, you deserve it and he would see the change in his mum by not drinking. I have forgotten how hard it was to stop drinking for myself but i read from newbies their struggles and it reinforces to me why i cant/wont and dont want to drink again. I read about others that have relapsed and i cant/wont and dont want to drink again. I come on to MWO to reinforce why each and everyday that i cant drink and to be accountable. My quit is my highest priority and i will forever protect it.

LC i would so love to hibernate for 4 months, just have some me time. Work is a madhouse at the moment, hard to say why as there is no one at work!

I need to read back and catch up but hi to all.

Take care x

[j-vo]

Morning,
I regret so much of my life, because so much of it I was sauced. It's sad, and I don't want to be sad anymore. I don't want to have anymore regrets. I know I'll continue to make mistakes, as that's how we grow, but I don't have to make the same disasterous mistake that I've made for years and that's to pick up a drink. All I have to do is NOT drink. All WE have to do is NOT drink. What you said, Ava, we have to accept that we cannot drink, not even one or two, as there was never a time where one or two was enough. Never.

This Friday, we have parent/teacher conferences. We work until 7 p.m. (They've never scheduled this on a Friday as long as I've taught, but I think it was a slap to us when they made the calendar as we didn't have a contract yet). Anyhow, the teachers are already planning to go out after the conferences to a bar, of course. I called this bar the other day, as my plan was to have an AF beer and then leave, but they don't sell AF beer. I wanted to go, just to be social, as I've been wanting to be social with my friends lately. But they do not sell AF beer, so I'm going to go home after the conferences. I really wanted to hang out for awhile. It's probably not a good idea anyhow.

Have a great Monday.

[wagmor]

Justme, Mario, Ava, Byrdie, Lav, Jvo, Pav, Gman, SL -

Thanks for all of your comments about one-day-at-a-time vs forever. Great suggestions all the way around. I'll be going back to revisit the stages of relapse for sure, and drinking is surely the last one, not the first one. SL, I love what you said about one glass vs the next couple - it made me realize that al tricks me into reminiscing about the "fun" side of drinking - the side we see in movies and advertisements. When I was briefing picturing the celebrations I could take part in over the holidays, I was picturing me as a non-alcoholic drinker, which I clearly am not. The comments from you all on here helped me see clearly that I need to picture my reality when I'm tempted to drink - and that reality is not pretty and it certainly is not fun.

For me, I definitely like to count or collect things with numbers as well - I've always been able to motivate myself by setting number goals with days AF, working out, losing weight, etc. I'm not sure it's a 100% healthy approach at times, but it's something that works for me at least on some levels. I do need to focus just on today, but I also have to take away any opportunity to bargain with myself, because I'm a fantastic self-bargainer and I will eventually lose that fight. I have to just worry about today, but I also have to embrace the mindset that I don't drink anymore. It's an interesting tightrope act, that's for sure.

[wagmor]

LC - I, too, wish I could financially afford to take the next 4 months off - not sure I'd hibernate the whole time, although that sounds lovely for at least part of the time! Glad to hear you're doing well.

SL - Love the story about your daughter! You should definitely be proud - her decisions show a great deal of thought and maturity.

Byrdie - sorry to hear about your dishwasher! I can relate to your day though - I spent half of my yesterday trying to deal with a backed up kitchen sink that created quite a wet mess. Hope you were able to get things cleaned up quickly and enjoy the rest of your Sunday.

Jvo - sounds like a wonderful day with your son - so glad you got to enjoy that time together. Sorry to hear about your upcoming Fri of conferences and the gathering afterward at a bar. If you feel it best to skip that, do it! If you'd like to go and think some other type of AF drink could suffice, perhaps that's an option. I would be cautious though - I think there's probably a reason you're feeling it might be best to skip it, and I would listen to that.