Newbies Nest

[lifechange]

Hi Nesters!
I have 7 minutes before I have to wake up the girls. It's been such a busy week and each evening I set my alarm to get up early to check in here.. then I hit snooze for half an hour. Last night I had terrible sneaking around alcohol dreams and they scared me.. because I've been letting myself slide in the sense of becoming too comfortable too soon. Like you said, 3T's, the cravings can just come out of nowhere and though I haven't had any problems, I haven't been actively caring for my sobriety. So, back in the habit of each and every day here. Checking in here and posting daily has always been a very strong part of my plan.
I haven't read back very far and don't know how much I'll manage before Sunday.. really looking forward to that.

Daisy, I'm sorry.. I (we all) really know how that feels to disappoint ourselves and our loved ones again.. like the others have said, just don't give up trying. You have a lot of AF days under your belt, you know what to do! Use this last time as another learning experience. Look deeply and honestly at what's going on when you decide to drink.. and try to just stay in the day, today. Regrets about yesterday don't do us any good at this point. :hug:

[KENSHO]

Wow I missed a lot! I'll read more tomorrow... going to bed tonight. Hugs to all.

[available]

Afternoon nesters

Rahul a huge congrats on 1000 days, it feels amazing doesnt it and no one can take any of those days off you except for you. hugs dear man.

Daisy, i could not have gotten sober without being on MWO and saying how it is in my life day to day. I knew i could not do this alone, i had to admit defeat and leave my ego at the door and accept the help offered here. I had to accept that i would plod along each and every day and yes some days would be horrendous and some days would be okay. I was over playing russian roulette with my life and i was so over letting my children down when i said i would stop drinking and the next thing they seen a drink in my hand. I let them down and myself time and time again. In two weeks i will be celebrating 3 years of sobriety as will Pav. We were you, we were scared and afraid that we would not stop drinking, yet each and every day we logged on MWO, we posted, we read, we shared our thoughts and feelings and we took it each day at a time but we were on here asking and receiving help. There is nothing to be proud of being an alcoholic but when you surround yourself with those that understand and wont judge you then half the battle is over, the rest is up to ourselves to listen and learn from those that came before us. I know i was as stubborn as a mule and thought that the oldies had had it easy when they stopped but they surely didnt, they did it like I was doing, they went through the anger, guilt, shame, remorse, sadness, happiness and slowly dug their way out of the pit of al. Us alkies are sneaky as all f**k and until we stop the excuses and just get on with it we will keep drinking, this is why i am on here each and every day. I dont want to drink now, i have no reason to. I have the coping skills to deal with life sober and i love my sobriety, i cherish it and i am totally grateful for the person i have become and to me it is due to pure grit and determination and Lav, Byrd and NS who all were my crutch in the early days. You can do this, you are no different to any of us on here and you will do this Daisy.

LC i was getting worried about you not posting, i am glad you are still sober.

A good day for me, the sun was shining and work was quiet. I seen a woman driving to work today and she would not let me merge, she looked so angry with the world. That used to be me and i drove to work being grateful for another sober day and that i could see some good in the world.

Take care and hi to all. x

[mario]

Hi nesters, that's great work from rahul, like avail be said above, I to would not have stayed on the sobriety road only for the people here in MWO,It's a great forum,

Hope you all getting there in your own goals, have to run.

[mario]

“For what it’s worth: it’s never too late or, too early to be whoever you want to be. There’s no time limit, stop whenever you want. You can change or stay the same, there are no rules to this thing. We can make the best or the worst of it. I hope you make the best of it. And I hope you see things that startle you. I hope you feel things you never felt before. I hope you meet people with a different point of view. I hope you live a life you’re proud of. If you find that you’re not, I hope you have the courage to start all over again.”

F. Scott Fitzgerald. I think of this quote a lot in relation to my sobriety.

[Justme Again]

Morning Nest

I took the day off. Want to sort out a few things at home. It will make me feel more in control.

Daisy - I hope you don't beat yourself up too much. Thinking about how and why can help you understand your addiction better.

TTAC - loved your post! What stands out is that you were dehydrated. Now I imagine pouring dehydrating al into a dehydrated body... addiction is so illogical!!

MWO is of incredible value to me. The fact that we UNDERSTAND oneanother.
The physical & emotional HALT is one thing, but I bet there is character traits as well.
The typical "Noddy" life never appealed to me. Noddy gets up on time, goes to work. Follow the road rules. Smiles and waves. Has calm, couteous, responses at work. Takes lunch for only an hour... urgh! I just always felt that I had something better to do. "Normal life" feels like a box I don't fit in.

Maybe I am trying to justify my day off...

Let me get on with it...

[j-vo]

Good morning,
I've been secretly struggling lately. I need to put it out there. I'm afraid of going to Florida with Dad. Not that I"m afraid of being with him. I love him so much, and I want to be there for him. I'm afraid to face the idea that Mom is no longer with us, that we will go to their house, and she won't be there. I've never been to their florida home without mom being there. Last year was a very sad year. I flew down so many times to help. Each time, she was worse than the last. Now, she's not going to be there at all. I don't want to use Mom as an excuse to drink or use my sadness. This feeling has been inside me, and I want it to go away. The craving to drink so I can mask my pain is what is happening. To numb myself. But if I numb myself over this, I'll find other things to numb myself over and it'll keep happening until I'm in the same place I've been for over a decade. I need to make a plan and write it out today. I'm leaving tomorrow. Thank you for your thoughts.

[available]

J your mum would not want you to drink, your mum would want you to have the life you deserve. Take it one day or minute at a time, you can do this. Log on here and post and post like a lunatic, i know i did in the early days. We all tend to overthink situations and drinking and it never seems to be as bad as what we think. Yes it will be hard and it will be painful but you can get through this without al. Imagine the pain and hurt of your family if you drink, they love the new you and you love the new you. Al will take and take until it takes it all, dont let it take you back to where you were.

When i lost Robert nearly ten months ago i had promised him i would never drink because of him and as much as i wanted to, i made him a promise that i had to keep and for that i am grateful.

Take care and please check in a lot. You can do this J, you are a strong woman.

[Guitarista]

Hi Jvo,

Yep, the cycle would continue for me as it has done for years, if i chose that road again.

Your signature line - Sometimes what you're most afraid of doing is the very thing that will set you free.

Big hug to you.

[j-vo]

Thank you Ava and G. You're so right. Mom knew I had a problem, and she would always tell me I was drinking too much. If she could have talked the last few months of her life, she would have told me the same. But I know she was thinking it.

I've got the kids busy today with a project, so I'm giving myself a break and writing some things down...a plan, and some thoughts about leaving tomorrow. Some of the things I k now will help me are:

PRAYER...I'm a believer and this helps me so much. I asked God to remove the ugly monster that's been living inside me and screaming at me this past week. I pictured God standing over the ugly monster, and the monster just keeps getting smaller. I'll keep that vision in my mind. Who is stronger? God or the monster? I know the answer to that question. Do I want to walk towards peace and strength or walk towards disaster, anger, and sickness? I know that answer, too.

I will keep myself hydrated. I know when I'm hydrated, I feel so much better.

I will walk everyday, a fast walk. I love to sweat, and now that i'll have time next week, I'm going to get those endorphins going.

I have a few books to read...one NS has recommended. The Inside Out Revolution. And I'm gonna check out a John Grisham novel.

I'm going to eat whatever the hell I wanna eat. Well, I've been doing that so that's nothing new.

I will post and read and post more. I will text.

I want to make some special fizzy drinks - fruit juice, ice and club soda. Sip and enjoy.

I'm looking at this coming week as a 'retreat,' not a vacation. For me, vacations are defined by drinking. I need to take care of myself, get rest, and make me priority. Yes, I will take care of Dad, but this trip is also for me. It's a chance for me to get in touch with who I am, where I want to go from here, and what I want to leave behind.

Just thoughts as they're coming to me.

[KENSHO]

Good morning Nest. A lot going on here, and a lot of personal work. I'm so glad to see the guts being thrown on the table and people facing their demons. Our job as humans, as I see it, is to deal with what comes before us, not to drown it or numb ourselves through it. This means that the hard things will actually be very painful, and the mad things will fire us up, but it also means that the joyous things will be so much rounder and the happy, much fuller and more satisfying. I have experienced this and I never want to live another way.

That said, I will be dealing with a pressure situation next week, starting in two days. I think that what has worked for me in the past is to say up front, I'm not drinking, and I don't want to hear anything about it. That way, their thinking doesn't infiltrate me after a few days. They are the types to say "live a little", and that saying has always appealed to me because I'm a go-getter, a risk taker and a bit of a rebel. But alcohol is not going and getting anything but unhappiness for me, and I need to remember that. Maybe whenever something comes up during my visit, I will think of that tattoo I'm going to get when I get back. THAT's the kind of rebel thing I can do without harming myself. I'm also going to tell my husband that I need his support down there.

SO, I'm preparing myself in all kinds of ways for the upcoming week. It's when I HAVEN'T prepared that I leave the door open for AL the Bastard. All he needs is a crack and he will slip in. SO I wonder if all of YOU have plans and strategies for when he rears his very ugly head?

[NoSugar]

Good morning,
I've been secretly struggling lately. I need to put it out there.

You've put it out here now, J, and so you can let it go.

You don't have to struggle. You had the strength weeks ago to surrender to the knowledge that you can't safely drink. There is no reason to engage in that fight again. You don't have to choose to listen to that addicted voice. It will speak up but you don't have to pay attention. Don't argue with the voice or try to NOT think those thoughts (what better way to be sure you think them!) but remember, they are only thoughts - little blips of energy. They can't hurt you and they only have power if you give it to them.

The discomfort you are feeling because of the thoughts you are having is nothing compared to how you will feel if you listen to that voice and try to shut up the nagging thoughts by drinking. It won't work. Even as you're drinking that first glass you'll be uneasy and aware of the consequences. The next morning you'll be faced with the soul-crushing disappointment and self-hate that we've all experienced. It isn't worth it.

You have a chance to take care of your dad, lighten his load, and at the same time, work your way through the grief of losing your mom. Like you've written, you've got to be awake for that. And you have the chance to grow in your new sober life by waking up each morning, loving yourself and proud that you made the right choice.

Take care of yourself, J. Love yourself like we love you. NS

[paulywogg]

Bravo NS! Love that post

[Guitarista]

I'm looking at this coming week as a 'retreat,' not a vacation. For me, vacations are defined by drinking. I need to take care of myself, get rest, and make me priority. Yes, I will take care of Dad, but this trip is also for me. It's a chance for me to get in touch with who I am, where I want to go from here, and what I want to leave behind.

Just thoughts as they're coming to me.

You should frame this Jvo!

Big waves to all. Friend Kensho...........99?!

[j-vo]

Thank you NS. I know I'll have these thoughts, but I must not give it any attention, or at least look the other way. I was struggling so much (much less today though) with these nagging thoughts and I was getting really upset, starting to believe that, yet again, I am not as strong as the long-timers here, that I didn't have it in me, and how could I get through the pain that I'm feeling without numbing myself. The last is BS, as it's just an excuse to drink. I think I'm strong enough, and prayer did help me. What is really helping now is reading your thoughtful posts and hearing what you're saying. Yes, I want to grieve properly and I know that can't happen if I'm drinking. I also want to move through these early days of sobriety. Not just move through it, but learn , grow and get stronger. I can't do that if I start, stop, start, stop...The first drink I would have taken would have set myself up for a week-long drinking fest. I would have to come back to reality a wreck, sick, and feel a huge loss in myself. I don't want to do that. I don't want to be sick anymore. My mom, who is looking over me, is rooting for my sobriety. I just know it. And she's also wanting me to be sober so I can help dad get acclimated to his florida home without her. I need to have a clear head when we're talking, get him out for some walks, cook with him, and just be a good daughter. I'm going to do all of that sober.

Thank you MWO for helping me through this shaking time.