Newbies Nest

[j-vo]

Good article, NS! Thanks.

Lav, enjoy the holiday show. I'm sure it'll be cute. And great news about your husband!

[mario]

Good morning nesters,

Heading of from Portugal to day to Ireland , driving. I get there Monday, see you all on the other side :-) keep well & safe & happy.

[Lost Soul]

Good morning nesters,

Heading of from Portugal to day to Ireland , driving. I get there Monday, see you all on the other side :-) keep well & safe & happy.

Bring some sun with you please?!

[paulywogg]

Morning nesters, LS,I never realized that you were in Ireland, my dad's girlfriend lives there...somewhere but when I met her,her accent sounded more British to me so who knows, I'm friends with her on fb,I guess I could ask haha, Mario,safe travels was thinking about the thoughts and I kinda don't like to write about them cuz it makes them more real,however I promised myself that I'm trying different this time, not harder(well harder but a different approach I should say)and being absolutely honest with myself, the forum, etc,I know the thoughts are a lie,I think about drinking and my stomach burns cuz I know that's exactly what happens first when I've drank,maybe I have an ulcer or something, maybe my body just doesn'tlike being polluted who knows, also wanted to say that even though I don't mention a lot of names, each and every one of the posts here help you and me,I know I've posted in places andnobody's mentioned it and I feel like"eff you guys too then" haha but it's not like that at all,I think there's just so many good posts that its hard to remember them all and who said what, anyhoo ,wishing us all a wonderful AF day

[j-vo]

Good morning. Checking in on this bitter Friday morning. So happy to be sober and hangover free.
I feel more acceptance of this disease or condition (disease makes me understand it's more than just a condition so I prefer to take it more seriously than the connotation of the word condition) because I'm seeing and believing I have all of the symptoms of an alcoholic as I continued e to read and watch documentaries. I've done this for years, but I think I left
The door slightly open and some small hopes that I could be different. I believe deep inside there's no way I will live a good life if I continue. I don't want that anymore. Ever.
Busy day with Xmas shopping later. Have a nice day all.

[wagmor]

Pauly - good on you for trying different, not harder. What you wrote makes sense - it's not that you aren't trying hard this time, but you're just not trying the same things harder and hoping they'll work this time. I'm in the same boat - focusing on what to do differently this time so that my quit will stick. The nest can sometimes be almost overwhelming (in a good way) with so many good posts. I often find it hard to keep track and to reply to everyone I want to mention, and it sometimes doesn't feel good when nobody replies directly to something I've written. I think you hit the nail on the head though - I'm pretty sure every post here helps others, even if they don't mention it specifically. I for one really enjoy and appreciate your posts and being on this journey with you and everyone else.

SoCali - Saw your post in the roll call and sent you a PM but wanted to reply here too in case you don't see that. You have to do whatever works for you re: the roll call, but please know that there are people all over the numbers/days map in that thread - everything from Day Oners to folks who help keep themselves accountable (or come back with periodic updates) after a few years under their belts. We've all had Day Ones, most of us have had multiple Day Ones, and it can be very humbling to come back and start at One again after reaching a few weeks, months, years. If the roll call helps you, please post. If it doesn't, no worries. That's the beauty of this site - we each get to find our individual way out. I'm really glad you're here. :hug:

*** Please, everyone, keep posting and keep reaching out to one another. This nest is powerful and we need every single one of us to be here in whatever way works for that person. Even if you don't know it, your stories, questions, musings, successes, temptations, etc ARE helpful to someone, perhaps to all. ***

[KENSHO]

Hi Everyone! I'm sorry I have not been posting or replying much - it's been a really hard week. I had a complete breakdown yesterday and sobbed for about an hour. Feeling better after a good night's sleep. AND, drumroll, still not drinking. 120 days. I told my mom yesterday that the difference between "normal" and "problem" drinkers in my opinion is why they drink. I began to drink to escape dealing with life. She drinks to add to her life. I still believe alcohol is useless poison to ANYONE who drinks it, but alcohol does not affect her negatively. I told her that I am dealing with hard stuff in my life now instead of just numbing myself from it. She always seems a little uncomfortable with the conversation, but she said she admired me and was happy for me.

Another busy day for here; hoping to find time to knit and sit (HA, like that?) this weekend. I really need some slower speeds.

JVO, I am continually impressed with you and your no bullshit approach to not drinking. You have faced some really hard stuff and I can tell you really, really want a sober life. Keep going friend, you will not regret the challenge of it now. Really great work!

And great work to everyone here. If you are here, you should be proud of yourself. Life doesn't necessarily get easier not drinking, but it certainly doesn't get harder. The point is that we are present and experience all that comes our way. Drinking to numb is a cop out. That makes you all very, very strong. Keep it up!!!

[available]

Morning nesters

Well its Saturday here and thought i would sleep in but nope. the body clock tells me it is time to wake up so up i am. Cup of tea and reading the nest to start my day.

J, i didnt need to read to realise i was an alcoholic, i saw my brother drink himself to death so when i finally realised i had a slight problem i pushed it away as i was soooo not as bad as my brother. I then kind of thought to myself that two bottles a day was not normal, blacking out was not normal, falling over was not normal, the DT's were not normal and came slowly to the realisation i was just like my brother, an alcoholic. Then i had to decide if i wanted to die or live. I thought i didnt have much to live for, i didnt like myself, i didnt like my past, i didnt care and i saw no future EXCEPT for my children. I would kill for my children, i am their mother beyond anything else and how could i make sure they were ok if i was dead and thus the slow road to recovery began. My mother told me last visit that it "runs in the family". Well that explains it! I think she finds it hard to recognise that she got "two alkies", i find it hard to accept that she doesnt understand but its not my place to try and get her to understand this addiction/disease. I now know my past is just that, i live for today, i am happy and i am finally what i want to be, alive. It gets no better than that.

Pauly, good on you for posting. It doesnt matter if you dont reply to anyone really, what is important is you check in. You are doing so well and yep that first drink is our complete downfall. I have followed you over the years and you crucify yourself completely with guilt shame and remorse. I for one am so happy you are not going there again. You are a happy soul who doesnt need al in their lives.

Wags, i used to live for someone to mention my name when i first came here and was devastated when/if i wasnt mentioned. Its hard though, i know that now! I used to think "feck it" then Byrd, Lav or NS would mention Ava and life was good again. Funny how our minds think but we need that acknowledgement sometimes. Mind you i did post like a lunatic.

Kensho congrats on 120 days. I found my emotions were a rollercoaster from hell the first year. We are learning to live, we are learning to deal with life without al and we are healing. Yes al is a poison but everyone makes their own choices to drink or not. i just quietly tell my story to whoever i think may need to think about their consumption, if it works then great, if not then thats ok too. I have the life i want without al and that makes me happy and proud.

Well enough waffling, we had our work xmas party yesterday. Doesnt help i only like one person i work with but it was nice to sit in the sun at the beer garden without worrying about drinking. The lemon water was nice and so was the food. I noticed i didnt look at everyone and what they were drinking, i just had a nice time. Its funny but everyone was talking about how nice the wine and beer was and i thought gee i would like to sip it and see what they were talking about but i cant and thats life. Its like wanting a taste of a cheese, i can do that but i just cant taste al. i didnt die from not having that sip, i didnt miss out on anything either.

I must say year 3 sober is a sense of being secure in my sobriety. Life cannot get much better than that.

Take care x

[Guitarista]

Hi nesters.

Good on ya Kensho. Day 126 here, so you must be around 128?

Jvo raawks to be sure! As do you and everyone here. Have a good weekend out there. Monthly credit card renewal for a ticket to boozeville cancelled long ago.

Take it easy y'all.

xpost. g'day Ava!

[Pavati]

Hi, Nest:

One reason I think calling what we have a disease is that I feel like it takes the control away from me. As an educator we talk a lot about helping kids who have experienced trauma in their lives and who have grown up in unstable circumstances understand that they actually DO have control, and that their actions matter to the outcomes in their lives. For me, I like to consider that I AM in control (one reason why AA wasn't for me), but that I would give up that control if I took a drink. For a type A perfectionist like me, it seems ridiculous that I would give up control of my life! To this day, I can't understand how I ever LIKED losing control with alcohol. I guess I didn't really, but it so often came to that. Way past fun. So I guess I like to think of it more like an allergy. It doesn't affect me or my life as long as I stay away from it.

Kensho - I am with you in the belief that alcohol is a poison for EVERYONE. I secretly think no one should drink it, but I realize that is a radical view and I don't really talk about it out loud because I don't want to be perceived as a militant abolitionist or Mrs. No Fun. I know humans have been using substances to alter reality for thousands of years, but I prefer other things. This makes me want to list the ways in which I have learned to alter my reality or sooth my mind without alcohol: meditation; laughing really hard; a hug; a really good book; a twirl in the grass (wish I could do more of this!); music; being in nature; exercise; family; friends. I'm sure you all could add to this list.

Lav - glad your husband is feeling better. All you Midwesterners and North-easterners stay warm - it looks COLD out there.

Sorry for the waffle - that was a bit stream of consciousness. As G says so eloquently - FRIDAY IS NO TICKET TO BOOZEVILLE! Even if you have to say no to a holiday party, do what you have to do to stay sober. I recommend the Bubble Hour on Boundaries - very helpful.

Pav

[j-vo]

Evening,
Don't have much time. Getting ready to go xmas shopping with DH and he keeps staring at me as I'm still not dressed. The pressure!!!

Anyhow, just want to say a few things. I was on my way home from work, and I thought and realized that getting through a full week is waaaaay more easy sober than doing it drunk. The difference is amazing to me. So much more productive and happy, even when things go wrong. When I drink through the week, I'm not productive, sluggish, and it seems as though time just drags on and on. The second thing, which really bothers me, is that I have drinking dreams ALL the time. Even when I take a nap. It bothers me because in the dream, I'm needing it (like an alky needs it) and I'm hiding it and I'm overdrinking, and people are looking at me like probably happened before in my life I'm sure. So what I'm saying is, am I grieving the loss of drinking I guess. My mom just passed away, and I"ve been so wanting to see her in my dreams, and I did once. Once. And all I dream about is something that has harmed me. Anybody know what's up with that? Gosh I wish I wasn't so bothered by it but I just had a nap and I had another dream. Am I really that attached to this poison? When will it stop? Will it suck me back in? NO! Ok, now I"m sounding crazy.

Pauly, I'm trying different things too. We are in the same boat, and if what we did didn't work last time, we must add to our tool box. Right? I'm so glad you're here.

Pav, I think we need to call it whatever makes us stay away from the poison and whatever way works for us. That's the beauty of this site. Everyone has their own way. Allergy, poison, disease...

Ava, it does run on my Dad's side of the family as well. So many alkies on that side. I don't know anyone that has died from it, but my DH's Dad sure did. Not pretty and very sad.

Kensho, congrats on your 120!! And thanks for your kind words, even though I feel a bit week right now with those damn dreams.

Thanks G.

Ok, must go as my husband is really pissing me off looking at me that way.

Have a good night.

[Byrdlady]

Great reading, as usual!
I think the word 'Alcoholic' can be used more as a diagnosis than a label. Unless and until I admitted to myself that I was, in fact, an alkie, could take the steps needed to recover. After all, if i dont have the disease, why would I take the medicine? (In the form of NO alcohol). So thats why I think its very important to accept the fact that any of us reading here, are in reality, alcoholics. We have all tried to cut down, but couldn't. We all tried to quit and found it extremely hard. We lied aboit it. Planned our days around it. What part of this sounds remotely normal? It is hard medicine to take, but it worls really well. NO AL is the best medicine I know. It worked for me.
JVo, in hygiene school, they told us it was common for dental folks to dream about their teeth falling out. I have had those many, many times over the years. I think we do dream about that which we fear most, for many of us, its losing AL. I had those dreams, too. Still have one occasionally. I think it is perfevtly normal for US. It may seem ridiculous but it is a lot like grieving. It is a big loss.
Hope everyone has an easy evening. Its only Friday, not a ticket to BoozeVille! Byrdie

[scottish lass]

Happy sober Friday evening - just bought the tree, a real one as always. Managed to get it home safe and into the house. Now have to plan on when to decorate it! Pizza and movie night I think - girls off school for break so should celebrate!
Cookie making tomorrow, and to the horse ranch for carol singing and cookie swop on Sunday.
Not much to report here - dashing thought of its Friday, so....but no! Right?
Have a good evening all, and happy sober waking tomorrow...

[Lost Soul]

Hi all
I've enjoyed reading everyone's posts the last few days, so much heart & soul shared in the nest it really is a very special place & I am grateful to be here :love:
Thank you NS, Byrdie, Lav & Mario for checking in & sharing regularly in the nest, I think your support with being AF for a longer period can give a perspective helpful to us in the earlier days :hug:
Pauly, I'm from Northern Ireland - part of the UK, though was adopted as a baby so I am indian, mum & dad are from Dublin originally - Mt Merrion & Howth but moved up north with my dad's job. It is funny how you get drinking thoughts too - sharing here is a good think I think - I get them too but the most valuable thing I've learnt from the nest recently is allowing the thoughts to come & go without giving them power - I have found this so helpful & has helped me through alot. I don't go out to drink so the holidays isn't stressful but some/most nights I have 'romantical' thoughts of some wine after all my works done but thankfully these urges/thoughts haven't been too strong & have got through :happy2:
Thanks Wagmor :hug: It was a long & difficult time with my daughters dad but glad I did the right thing & we've come all the better for it.
Pav - I see how you view talking about our difficulties with AL as a disease being negative in that it can reduce my personal 'responsibility/accountability' which could I guess hold me back from feeling in control of my recovery. Possibly in terms of 'it wasn't me, it was my disease' or 'I couldn't help it, it was my disease'. In those terms it is very obvious how those thoughts could cause me harm. However much like the young people you work with, and for ourselves in many aspects of our life - we can be faced with unfavourable circumstances, entirely beyond our control. I do agree that the choice of how I deal with my alcoholism is completely within my control & feel very empowered & grateful to be making that choice.
Sending positive thoughts over the holidays to everyone
Wishing all a safe & sober Weekend
LS

[Lavande]

Good evening Nesters!

Checking in late but it's that time of the year, busy, busy

LS, I have been checking in here daily nearly 8 years now. I hope I always do & if I can someone else along the way then great!!
It's true about the thoughts, just let them go, don't hang onto them. You will feel blessed when you begin to notice that the thoughts become less frequent & easier to dismiss

Pauly, just stay put & keep talking. I think you know I am thinking of you, right?

Ava, Pav, j-vo, madon, Byrdie, Mario & all of the nesters, you are always in my thoughts! My granny brain knows you are all here even if I do not mention your name, ha ha!

Cold here, it was only 12 degrees this morning & we are supposed to get ice & snow tonight ~ swell.
Wishing everyone a safe & comfy night in the nest!

Lav