Newbies Nest

[Pavati]

Hi, All:

Good to see you, Ava. Glad you can be there with your son. Good luck with the cigs, and I can't wait to hear that you're the addiction counselor others are going to see. Hope you're staying cool.

Lost Soul - The situation with your parents must be SO hard. I am sorry that you have to deal with all of that. There is a lot written recently about those of us who have to care for parents - maybe even another forum? Have you read Being Mortal? I highly recommend it.

Ori - Sounds lovely. I think the sleep will iron itself out, especially if you can stop the cycle of coffee/sleep aid. Whoever asked, I slept like a stone when I first quit. I still have significantly better sleep than when I was drinking. Another thing that makes me wonder how in the world I coped with ANYTHING when I was drinking.

Wags - Stay safe. Sounds like you're prepared for just about anything.

J-Vo - Come back! We're here for you.

Pav

[Byrdlady]

Alive, around here, being sober for 7 days scores you a prize!!! Nesters? Ready?
:butt:
Here is your FULL MOON from us! No butts about it, those first 7 are crack-ers! The worst is behind you now! My hubs still drinks, but I asked him to keep his stuff downstairs in his fridge. I dont need it popping up in my face everytime I open the door. He doesnt mind. Even after all this time I prefer it this way.
Pauly, I had to laugh, I use vanilla flavoring but I dont use wine when I cook. Why poke the bear, ya know? You are doing so well, very proud of you!
What a crazy busy day.... but I still make time to check in with my best peeps! Priorities, you know!
As Mr G says, do your best friend! Byrdie

[Lavande]

Good evening Nesters,

Dark & raining all day, & again tomorrow & the next day & the next. Not pleasant but better than snow in my book!

Alive, Congrats on your 7 AF days, yay!!!
That's a big deal, be proud & protect your quit

It's 8 pm here Ava & I cannot imagine going to the gym now - no way, ha ha! Bless you for helping your son & doing everything you can to help yourself too.

Everyone sounds pretty good, makes me happy to know that we continue to maintain such an awesome & comfortable nest

Wishing everyone a safe night in the nest!

Lav

[Lost Soul]

Hi all,
Belle, sorry you had a slip :hug: though it's really good to come back here straight away & difficult to do so well done x Post & read as often as you can for support & it definately makes the AF journey more manageable - it is literally saving my life!
Byrdie & Orimus - we don't have zzzquill here - can't believe they have AL in it! I also didn't know Pauly thet vanilla extract had AL in it? I haven't ever really thought about this so wonder what else might that I have overlooked...might have to raid my cupboards & check things...I agree wholeheartedly that any AL in the house is not a safe choice for me.
Mario - very wise words, when your using AL I don't think you realise the impact it has on all of you, until you take steps to become AF & are on the outside looking in. My counsellor many years ago described alcoholism as a circle within a circle & a person's reality before being affected by AL was the outer circle compared to an alcoholic/drug user's reality being the inner circle. Random, but a good visual aid for me to explain how AL affects thinking so profoundly - happy to be stepping outside my circle :happy2:
Ava, lovely to see you, I'm glad you can offer support to your son & I'm sure it's helpful to have you by his side x I admire your choice to quit smoking, and how your taking it head on, I can't imagine quitting smokes for a wee while yet! Its really nice to hear how positive you are with everything with 3 years of sobriety & glad you are doing so well :happy2:
Thank you all for your positive words x When talking to my parents about how their choices make me feel, to be responded to with 'whatever' & ignored makes me feel about an inch tall & of little worth. However it's helpful as well to acknowledge their choice to put what they want first, feel entitled to my time & then disregard my thoughts & feelings isn't kind.
Mum phoned me tonight as if nothing happened the other day, just chatting about how she's doing great & got out today for a while & they're hopefully getting a stair lift in etc. I was putting the kids down so had to go. No humility for calling on my dad the other night whatsoever. I'm creeped out by her tone 'I'm doing so well' following her comment 'we don't ask for your help'. Subtly reinforcing I'm imagining things & overreacting. Trying to undermine my version of reality (gaslighting). Attempting to emotionally manipulate me into feeling guilty for wanting healthy boundaries is yuk but seeing is helpful in understanding who I was https://www.mywayout.org/community/ju...light=Drinking and who I choose to be https://www.mywayout.org/community/ju...hlight=Warning and how drinking will only make any difficulties so much worse.
I will get there x
Thank you all so much for all your help
Wishing all a safe & sober Tuesday
LS

[Nursie]

Hi all, just checking in to say hi, not having a great day so don't want to drag the thread down! Hope you have all enjoyed a sober day xxx

Madonnaaaa! That is what we are here for love! When you are down, many of us are up to be able to help you through. When I am down, you and many others are up! This sober thing is not easy, especially in the beginning and that is why we need this forum. Otherwise we are just socializing which is great fun, but we are truly firstly trying to maintain sobriety and help others as we do. So please talk about your down days!

[Nursie]

Hello Nest,
LC I'm glad you know what they are doing psychologically and are able to identify it. It makes it a bit easier to know that you are not going crazy. I experienced this with my mom who died of addiction and I still deal with it with my step daughter's mother.

Today was the perfect storm for a relapse.
I am stressed out with a few things: my husband is in a state of clinical depression that I cannot get him out of. He is on an antidepressant but it is not helping anymore. I "think" he is finally allowing himself to fall apart now that I am "better". He held down the house, kids, and life while I was grieving my brother, drinking my face off, having cancer, surgeries, chemo, radiation, grieving my mother, and now I'm sober and I'm better and I'm happy. I'm dancing around in my apron singing I to a wooden spoon and cooking fabulous meals like I used to but he is so far down. He has an appointment coming up and it can't come soon enough. We are fighting a lot because he is just laying around all the time. Like a rag doll. No checkers, no help around the house or with the kids, and just being mean and nasty! Then, the stress of having my stepdaughter- I adore her like my own. I have been her step mom for 14 years. But her mom is bipolar and so is she and the tornado of texts and freak outs have taken their toll on me today. The mom kicked her out, we all blocked her because of her constant harassment. So she called the cops and sent them to our house to check on stepdaughter. Even though she knows she is with us and we moved her stuff here.
Then husband depression and not helping with stepdaughter's emotional needs, or our sons needs so I am doing everything.
Sooooo, I was getting my son's hair cut because he wouldn't do it for weeks and then when I was driving home he asked me why I didn't go to the bank. This man was off all day!
I am going to be completely honest, I was two doors down from the liquor store and I really wanted to buy a bottle of vodka. Or anything. I wanted to smoke cigarettes and get wasted.
I may have if I wasn't on antabuse. I may have fallen guys! I even calculated how many days off the antabuse until I could gulp the vodka down if I still wanted to. I did the math on my drive home, away away away from the liquor store.

I don't drink anymore. I don't smoke anymore. I had a full on desire to get wasted and the only reason I talked myself out of it was honestly the Antabuse because every other rationale could have been buried for tomorrow.

So there you have it folks. The perfect storm for a relapse. I was angry, hungry, feeling helpless and unappreciated.

I have to learn how to deal with those feelings sober.

So I cooked a beautiful meal. I blasted music and I danced around my kitchen like a crazy lady! I had a big juicy steak and a salad and a hot cup of tea.

The storm is over for now. I have to remain vigilant.

[Pie]

Hey Nursie, Sounds like a perfect storm alright! Antabuse saved me from myself too, early on in my quit. It was an important tool for me, and I'm glad I used it. Good on you for doing whatever it takes in your world.:hug:

[mario]

Good morning nesters, well done alive on your 7 days, great work on yourself :-)

As active alcoholics/abuse drinkers, We lost the choice long ago in our ability to choose wether we would drink, We were our own victim's of a compulsion which seemed to decree that we must go on with our destruction, YET we did make a choice to do something that brought about our road to recovery. Its a road well travelled & if you stick on it with the guidance & support of its minders you will reach the end of it a very happy & contended person.

Have a good positive day folks.

I

[paulywogg]

Hello nesters,Nursie,I'm sorry about your hubs,poor thing you're probably right about him just falling apart after having to hold everything together for so long,I'm so glad you didn't drink though Ava,I keep saying I'm gonna quit smoking daily,the problem is that unlike alcohol, I still love to smoke,I try picturing how nasty it is the smell,stained teeth,the urge,the money,etc yet I cannot get over that urge,I don't smoke a lot maybe 5 a day but that's still smoking,its the sane as someone who says they don't drink much but its still causing them health probs Alive,congrats on 8 days now there's so much more I wanted to comment on but I need more coffee,back later,wishing everyone a wonderful AF day

[wagmor]

Flying thru the nest rather quickly this morning. All good on this end, and we're finally seeing a melt so life will start returning to normal. Of course now comes flooding as all the ice and snow melts, but at least I can get back to work and the roads won't be anywhere near as dangerous.

Nursie - so sorry to hear about your husband's struggles. I suspect you're right about him letting go after keeping things together for so long. I hope he's able to find some help, maybe get his meds adjusted if they aren't working any more. Sending you strength.

Ava - good to see you, and glad all is well! Although it's difficult, it must feel good to be able to help your son through this time.

Maddy - Ditto what others have said - a big part of why we're here is to help each other during rough times and to have a safe place to just write things out. Please share if you feel comfortable doing so, and if not, please at least keep checking in and reading. We're here for you!

LS - more hugs to you <3

Have a great AF MAE everyone! I'll try to snuggle in this eve and catch up on all the posts.

[Princess_to_J]

I thought I'd check in and say hi. Half way through the first day of my journey.

It was a difficult morning until about 12 because I would have at least had some alcohol even just a few sips by now, with not working this morning and not driving until later. It sounds terrible seeing it written down, but I arrange my drinking around any driving duties..

Anyway I've made a list of positives and put them on my phone to look after when the going gets hard.

Treated myself to some really nice orange juice for later.

Hope everyone is managing their days well and where they want to be in their own journeys.

L x

[dyingtobealive]

Hello everyone -

Update on me. Made it to day 8. Hubby eventually ended up having a drink last night and while I eyed it, I honestly didn't feel an urge to make myself one. Strange, but it really made me realize that most of my drinking was done to mask my feelings. I drank to cope 99% of the time, but figured I might as well drink when I'm feeling fine too because...well, addiction I suppose. Anyway, happy to be on day 8. I have a business trip coming up next week and I'm pretty nervous about it. Usually a business trip meant drinking at 9am at the airport, getting a drink on the airplane (or 2), getting a drink on my layover, and then really enjoying my first night there. And of course everyone goes out for drinks after the conference stuff is over. That's 7 full nights. I keep saying things like: "If you're alone, just don't drink. If you're out with conference folks, it's fine." Then I reel myself back in reminding myself I can't have "just one." And I remember feeling like sh*t every morning last year during this trip, this year I want to feel good in the mornings so I can really focus! Plus, I'll be in sunny San Diego - perfect weather for running! No need to ruin that with a hangover.

Lost Soul - I, too, deal with a mom who is great at undermining my view of reality and guilting me. We often fight and then never talk about it again. She's always the victim and I just "don't understand" anything. It's such a hard, hard place to be in. I'm really working on setting boundaries with her and getting over my guilt. Probably one of the hardest things to do, because it's always been easier to just let her say/do whatever she does and I internalize it all later. But really - setting boundaries with my mom is probably harder than quitting drinking. I'm just so sorry, I have no real advice, but I sympathize with you.

Nursie - sorry about your husband, that must be difficult to deal with. I'm glad you were able to resist drinking.

Princess - great job! baby steps! sounds like you are headed in the right direction.

[Overit-still]

Hello Nest,

Today was the perfect storm for a relapse.........
I am going to be completely honest, I was two doors down from the liquor store and I really wanted to buy a bottle of vodka. Or anything. I wanted to smoke cigarettes and get wasted.
I may have if I wasn't on antabuse. I may have fallen guys! I even calculated how many days off the antabuse until I could gulp the vodka down if I still wanted to. I did the math on my drive home, away away away from the liquor store.

I don't drink anymore. I don't smoke anymore. I had a full on desire to get wasted and the only reason I talked myself out of it was honestly the Antabuse because every other rationale could have been buried for tomorrow.

From a fellow Antabuse taker.............I SO get it! And everytime I have relapsed, I had to do the calculations in my head too. Every relapse has been planned. It has to be when you're on Antabuse but It has saved my life. Back in 2012 when I was sober for 7 months, it go to the point that I didn't take it anymore BUT I kept it on hand and if I knew I was going to be in a tempting situation, I would pop one just for insurance.

Stay strong. (I get the husband this also. At least yours is seeking help)

[KENSHO]

Hi Princess! Great work getting through the hours today, just focus on one hour after another (or one moment...), ok? I also love looking forward to my non-alcoholic drinks and they can be quite a distraction once I start mixing different flavored soda waters with different juices or citrus... give it a try and keep one in hand at all times!

DTB! awesome you realized a reason you drank. That's key in moving forward. And I've found that the feelings themselves are actually not as bad as all the shit that goes with drinking. Keep up the good work!

I'm off to work in the big city today; and I got a great sleep last night! Although some mornings I wake up and feel like I'm in Groundhog Day (living the same day over and over), I will choose to appreciate that sometimes NO change or NO drama or NO intensity is a good thing. I'm thankful for my health, my job, my family, etc.

Happy Day all!

[Pavati]

Hi, All:

I have a minute to ponder, so prepare for a waffle.

It seems when we first get sober a lot of us (me included) spend a lot of time thinking about why we drank. We look for excuses about how we got in that condition. Social anxiety. Low self esteem. Asshole husband. Sick child. Depression. Perfectionism. You name it, we got it. I am NOT belittling any of those things - that stuff is the real deal. What I'm thinking, though, is that it really doesn't matter much why we started drinking. There are plenty of people with all of those circumstances who drink but DON'T find themselves on a site like this - in other words, they have an off switch. We, for whatever reason (genetics among them), were vulnerable to alcohol in a way others are not. NoSugar has a way of making this point more eloquently than I do here.

Maybe the question should be why don't we drink? What do we get from that? If you look at any of those items above, your ability to deal with each and every one of them is significantly better without alcohol. In the short term you might be able to forget for a moment, but alcohol will actually make anxiety, depression worse. It will make us less patient with kids, spouses, parents. It will make us unable to do what Nursie describes - dig in and get done what needs doing. As G says, the only way out is through.

I hope it doesn't sound like I am minimizing any of the really, really tough shit a lot of you are going through. I am just trying to find the positives about dealing with that shit sober, and giving ourselves a break from trying to constantly find out WHY we got in this predicament. In the long run, why doesn't matter. Only that we did, and that we realize that only by quitting drinking will we be able to get through that shit to the best of our abilities.

Alive - Sounds like we could have hung out together at a conference in the bad old days. A long time sober person here, Raul, described a conference he attended in India. While the others were bellying up to the bar at happy hour, he went for a long swim in the beautiful Indian Ocean. I have never gotten that out of my mind. When I attend conferences now, during happy hour I do what I know would make me feel good, other than drinking! Massage? Walk into town? Sit in bed and watch TV? Read my book? Museum? Whatever it is, it is MUCH better than standing at a bar with a bunch of people I barely know and feeling like crap the next morning. Good luck.


Sorry for the spicy language. Sometimes a swear word helps.

Congratulations on 7 days, Alive! Onward and upward.

Pav