Newbies Nest

[lifechange]

Thank you so much. I am feeling a bit more positive now. I know that I have the power and the choice to start again but the mind f*** that beganalmost immediately is painful. I cried harder than I have in ages this morning.. and I think I was holding a lot inside, trying to be ok with all the changes going on. The news of having to have surgery pushed me over the edge and I felt quite sad and depressed but was trying to just move forward. I should have asked for help from someone here.. like you said, Pav, probably a therapist or at least my doctor. My ex was very sweet and said that I'd been doing such a good job, and this was just a mistake and I could start again. We all know it isn't so simple. It is, but it isn't. I've done this so many times and I just want it to stick. This past month I have been working hard to keep my mind in a good place and I think that's why this feels so bad.. because I don't really know what else I can do. Actually, that's not true. I could exercise more regularly.. and there are 2 things that I still haven't been dead honest about.. within myself. It's clear now that I shouldn't wait to work those out.
I hate myself so much when I drink. I feel instant remorse and guilt and shame. I guess that's progress from the days of thinking I could try to moderate.
Thanks for the link to the slipping thread, Mario..

[Lost Soul]

LC, I am so sorry for all that you are going through x You are not in any way letting the group or us down. You are a perfectly normal person & if I was going through what you are & managing stress & juggling responsibilities I'd feel exact the same. You are only human, as we all are & have nothing to be ashamed of for feeling, as we all do. Sometimes it can seem to big or too much, to carry on our own or put away & keep for later. You have been doing the right thing & sometimes there is no more you can do because tough stuff is just tough & it hurts. I can't choose your path or walk your journey but know I can offer a hand to hold, a hug & a listening ear so you dont have to bear the burden of the tough stuff on your own. I have found sometimes I have to sit still for a while before I can move forward. You've nothing to fear with your girls, your showing them your human & all humans make mistakes & there is nothing you can't overcome x
Wishing all a safe & sober Friday
LS

[wagmor]

LC - Sending hugs to you. We probably all can relate in at least some ways to your past 24-48 hours, and the multitude of feelings you've cycled through.

It's a fine line we walk as we do this AF thing and count our days. One the one hand, we cannot go into it with the "plan" that having mostly AF days is enough - that if we drink once per week or month or year that we're achieving what we set out to do. On the other hand, when we fall, we have to find a way to not erase all the good of the AF days that came before. So here you sit at Day 28 or 29 + 1 or 2, and you're back in the nest being honest and facing your fears. There is so much value in those 28-29 days AF, so much benefit for your body and mind, so much accomplishment.

Others may feel differently, but I for one encourage you to wrap those days around you like a cloak and let them give you strength. Be kind and gentle with yourself, but also re-double your efforts and commitment to do this thing.

These new Day Ones are opportunities to reflect on our plans and adjust them accordingly. You know how to do that, and you also know we're here if you'd like problem-solving advice or support.

For now, I send you hugs, empathy, and appreciation for your courage to get right back in here. You can do this, all of this. :hug:

[wagmor]

Actiongirl - Congrats on Day 3! You've got this!!!

Tony - So sorry to hear of your medical needs and situation right now. I hope everything works out ok.

Lav - I too have reached a place where I don't feel obligated in the least to explain my decisions around drinking (not drinking). There are a few I share with because I want to, and I then share on my own terms. But obligated, no. Maybe it's age and/or maturity, as I've reached a point where I generally care a lot less about how other people view/evaluate me. As Byrdie might say, "Feck 'em!"

Mario and NS - Nice quote, glad to have it shared here in the nest.

Have a great MAE all!

[NoSugar]

You came right back, LC, and I truly believe that can make all the difference. There is an AA analogy about how if you get a flat tire, there's no reason to slash the other 3. But that's what we so often do! Once something isn't perfect, we deliberately make sure it is ruined. I used to do that when I had eating issues - if I "broke" my diet at some point in the day, I gorged on all the things I "shouldn't" eat for the rest of the day, making myself totally ill and full of self-loathing, planning to start again on that ever elusive "tomorrow".

The way I see it is you got a flat tire yesterday and you're immediately getting it fixed. Now you can get back on the road of this new and better life :hug:.

This blog post in particular and the blog in general might be helpful today: The Tipping Point — Laura McKowen

[paulywogg]

Hello nester,LC,the only way you could have let us down is by not coming back,I think each relapse can be used as a learning experience, we always learn something about ourselves when they happen,what to avoid,what to do to start making changes,see where our weak spots are,etc,I think you were just thinking too much about everything and went into what I call a"fugue state" before drinking, its almost like a blackout before you buy the booze,like you're awake but not aware,its hard to explain but I've let that feeling derail me too many times,now I do whatever I can to avoid that auto pilot feeling,Kensho,I reread your incident with the guy on the bike and your hubs is probably right,just crabby cuz he's riding a bike in the cold or whatever, maybe someone trued to hit him earlier and he was just pissed at all drivers,maybe he was a tweaker who knows,I'd have been shaken in your situation too,Byrdie,I can't believe you drank vodka in the hospital while your bowel was bleeding! Just shows you how maniacal this addiction makes us act,so many comments to make but I gotta get more coffee before I doze off haha, wishing everyone a happy AF day

[actiongirl46]

LC - hang in there, these comments were so inspiring! And 29 days, wow, I have never done that but am giving it my best shot right now.

NS - that was a great article. Thank you so much for sharing it.

Onward!

[tonyniceday]

hi Nesters,
I don't have any good explanation right now. But last night I couldn't stand the pressure of everything anymore and I drank to escape. And I feel so devastated and so alone in this hell I create for myself. The mental anguish, the guilt and fear I feel is almost too much to bear. I'm so afraid that I won't be able to take care of the girls when we're living on our own. That I'm showing them that this is a way to try and deal with life breaks my heart. I have to somehow get through today. This is terrible, right before i should have 30 days tomorrow. In this moment I don't feel like I'll ever get it. I know I will because I have to but it doesn't feel like it now.
I'm also very sad to let this group down.

LC I've been trying to get the words right for this and I'll probably get it a bit wrong and if so then please forgive me...

1stly you have finished by saying you are sad to let this group down...trust me you haven't but I get exactly what you are thinking when you say this...Last year I got to 108 days and then drank. I came back on here but didn't stay around because I was drinking for a few days, then having a few days off, then drinking again....etc. I should have stayed on here. Everyone would have understood.... there have been thousands of people on this site over the years and I would lay money on there being very few, if any, who have quit first time and stayed quit ever since over a long period of time.

2nd there are many factors. The most important is that as Alkies we have an addiction...the dictionary defines this as "a physical dependance on a particular substance".... We are all trying to recover from this. The addiction will still be there. I would also bet good money that even if someone like Byrdie or Lav or JackieClaire (to name but 3) with all their years of sobriety, were to have 1 drink it would not stop there...

Don't beat yourself up over this...I'm back to 7 days and that was the 1st real goal. I am still very much a ODAAT person but I'm now targeted on 2 weeks... part of my failure at 108 days was that I didn't really re-target myself from 100 days and I can honestly say if I had said that on here someone would have pointed me in the right direction

Also...are you prepared to say what happened? I don't mean what the stress or problem was that triggered you... but rather did you have a bottle in the house or did you deliberately go and buy a bottle... someone on here has in their signature something to the effect of "relapse starts long before the bottle is opened" aint that the truth...it was for me.

LC we are all here for you and will cheer every day from your new day 1... please, though come on here when you are FEELING like a drink and we can all try to help... there is always someone on line here.

You're back and you have not given up the fight....that's what is important!

I really hope this doesn't sound like a lecture or anything like it... I'm just trying to say we've all been where you are now and we empathise and are with you all the way...

Tony

[Orimus]

NoraC – Great article, thanks.


LC – Don’t think there is anything I can add to what has already been said. It was a moment in time, it has passed. Time for today. <hugs>
Not a lot of sleep last night. On the phone with work until a bit after 1 and a bit of the aftermath still rippling through this morning while one of our systems were down. In the end all is right as rain. Which is exactly what it’s been looking like it was going to do all day.

Have a great AF Friday all.

[paulywogg]

Great posts Tony and Orimus has anyone seen Madon BTW? I was just thinking of her

[scottish lass]

Days between check ins again...

LC - been there, done that! Do not beat yourself up, do not hate yourself. You did it - it doesn't take anything away from what you achieved. You came straight back. You will get there one day - we all will, we really want to, but life happens! Celebrate all your success, strong in the knowledge you can do this - then do it again!
I am so sorry for what you are facing, it stinks! But you will get through this, and everything else that life throws at you. You will do it your way, but nothing can take away from all you have successes - just keep adding to them.
I struggle with my lack of days in a row, months in a row, years in a row - but I remind myself of the 'big picture" - I know I have a problem, I am dealing with it - and I am so much better than I was - and I can be happy with that! You can too!

G - see above - you & I have dropped off here so often, and come back again - rinse and repeat. Hopefully you have dropped off for a different reason, but maybe not - and if not, let's begin again!

So, yesterday got texts all day as to why my girl didn't want to go to counselor - didn't need to go - was not going to go etc etc - I was dreading making her go, but I was resolved - she came along quietly I am glad to say and spent a good hour with the counselor - I spent 5 mins (after spending days worrying about what I was going to say, how I was going to explain what i thought the issues were - doh! Its not all about me!!) - she asked to go back again!! WooHoo! On Monday she turns 16, and I live in home that she gets herself on a sounder track to finish up childhood, and enter the world of adulting in a better place!

On Wed the results of the (old) MRI shows my dad has Alzheimers - and is beginning treatment. I am vacillating between sadness and anger - he is a proud independent man who survived cancer, heart attack & surgery - and should not end his life in this manner., Also so worried about my mother who will have to live with this - cruel world...

So - quick synopsis but hanging on to a sober life....

TGIF!

[Dutch1988]

Doing great Kensho! I have a new little one I am taking care of, so I wish I was kicking more butt but I have to focus on maintaining is gaining right now. I noticed last year I actually worked less even though I was getting accustomed to not drinking and also in a better mood than when I stopped. I am coming up on two years in march and think I have this sober thing pretty figured out. I don't know how I used to function so sleep deprived, I mean having a newborn has to be similar to how poor my sleep was and it's no wonder I was a walking time bomb.

hope everyone in here is doing well. I never would have quit without this group making me accountable. I will always be grateful for that and hope that anyone else thinking about quitting does the same. Prolly be back around march just to let everyone know I made it through to two years.

[Byrdlady]

Lav, I tell you, I did struggle for a very long time. Knowing I had a problem back in 1996 and not doing anything about it til 2010 was insane. I wasted so much time, effort and money. FEAR kept me locked in addiction. What a shame.
I HATE ALCOHOL.

Hope everyone has a good night. Byrdie

[Lavande]

Good evening Nesters,

Byrdie, that's all history now thank goodness

LC, hugs to you & I am so sorry you are feeling so overwhelmed :hug:
A big thing for me was fear - fear of the unknown. Most of us don't have a crystal ball or a guru handy to help guide us thru these difficult times. These are the times we have to dig deep & find the blind faith that we are all equipped with to help us. One important thing I learned that really helped me was staying focused on now. We seem to automatically go into worry mode & waste precious time & energy worrying about future things that may never happen. Eckhart Tolle, 'The Power of Now' was a huge help for me. Stay with us & we'll do what we can to help you.

AG, don't know if I welcomed you back & Congrats on getting those 3 days out of the way!

Wishing everyone a super safe & comfy night in the nest!

Lav

[abcowboy]

I think I’ve said this before a long time ago, but I think it’s worth repeating. Those of you who attend AA know of the 12 Steps and 12 Traditions, along with “How it Works”. The following is taken from the How it Works and I like to call it the AA Disclaimer;

“Rarely have we seen a person fail who has thoroughly followed our path. Those who do not recover are people who cannot or will not completely give themselves to this simple program, usually men and women who are constitutionally incapable of being honest with themselves. There are such unfortunates. They are not at fault; they seem to have been born that way. They are naturally incapable of grasping and developing a manner of living which demands rigorous honesty. Their chances are less than average. There are those, too, who suffer from grave emotional and mental disorders, but many of them do recover if they have the capacity to be honest.”

The question is, do you believe the statement above? My answer, yes and no. Will everyone get sober? No. Can everyone get sober? Yes!

If you really want to be sober, you can get, and stay sober! And by being here looking for help and support shows you’re willing to do whatever it takes. You may not like doing whatever it takes, but the point is that you are willing to. If you felt you’d never be able to do it, you’d be gone and never come back. You’d resign yourself to the fact that you’ll always be a drunk. But you’re here, you have hope, you haven’t given up on yourself. That, my friends, is the first step in finding lasting sobriety. The first step is always the toughest, and you’ve made that first step, now it’s just one foot in front of the other with no turning back….