Newbies Nest

[available]

Re: Newbies Nest

Morning nesters

All done Mick! I must talk a lot!

SSD 70 days is huge but i always figured i drank heavily for ten years so if it takes 10 years to heal then so be it. I was told off the oldies that it really takes up to a year to be able to deal/cope in situations without wanting to fall back to a drink. I can now go months without a thought and then BOOM one comes up and that is after three years. It is emotionally healing that takes the most time.

Tony, talking and admitting you want a drink meant the world to me. It means you are human and are learning to deal with life. I went to thailand at around 100 days and it was alcoholic heaven for drinkers. I so wanted to drink each and every day but i spent a fortune on the internet and came on here to be accountable (my mother thought i was on a dating site as i did not tell her). For me, my last quit had to be it. I wanted to be an oldie and the only way i could achieve that was to plod along each day even when i would have sold my soul for a drink. Giving up drinking is not all happiness and light when we stop, life doesnt become perfect and we still struggle at times. its learning along the way which is important so we can deal better in the months and years to come. Giving in to al is not an option for you, you may feel like it but feel it deep in your heart that you wont. You are not a quitter in this journey Tony.

I am damn exhausted, woke at 3am for a few hours and then fell asleep and woke late. The last few weeks have been hard and i am worn out so having a day off.

Take care x

[Byrdlady]

Re: Newbies Nest

What a great post, Ava. It really does take time and we are an impatient lot! I never thought I would get this....it took my hubs walking out to get my attention. What a shame.
Wags, I ceratinly could identify with your feelings about the lady who had to have her beer. I went to great lengths to protect my supply. What a pain in the arse I was to myself. Almost a sense of panic when I thought I might not have enough! Im so glad I dont have to go theu those gyrations all for the sake of drinking. Thank you for the reminder of where I dont want to return!
Hang in everyone. Every day you spend AF is a win! Byrdie

[Lavande]

Re: Newbies Nest

Good evening Nesters,

Not a bad day for a Monday
Our nice weather is about to disappear again, rain is on the way. I'm happy I got my young chicks installed in the nursery portion of the chicken house today. They're loving the extra space to run around & stretch their wings. Raising chickens is so much easier & faster than raising kids, ha ha!

LS, I have had a bit of a time the past few weeks getting from winter mode into springtime mode. Sleep has been messed up, moods & thinking kind of off but I know that this is all temporary. Things will settle down soon enough & I do better by keeping my focus on today. Not worrying about the future is a good thing for me. Hang in there with us, we are all fine together

Tony, same to you- focus on today & don't worry about future events that may or may not even happen.

Wishing everyone a safe & peaceful night in the nest!

Lav

[KENSHO]

Re: Newbies Nest

Ahh, the anticipation of being able to slip into bed. I'm tired! Going to place a couple orders and then turn in. I had several things NOT go my way today. But I did not drink, and here I am ready to face tomorrow. I reacted to a comment of my husband's tonight (sort of deserved!), but then requested a "do over" in front of my son. I explained that I reacted instead of taking some time and then responding. I NEVER would have done that in my drinking days. That is progress, and I'll take it! I also looked at the bottle of cooking wine in my pantry and it reminded me of a past me - not a present one. I tried that - it didn't work. As much as I sometimes consider the short term pleasure of one drink, I can't shake how much I don't want to feel ashamed and physically ill. I absolutely know that the crave voice is not informed of reality. So I move past that thought and continue my [better] life.

Tony, the restaurant scene was a big boost to my drinking habit. Good for you for continuing what works for you to avoid temptation!

Have a good night everyone.

[mario]

Re: Newbies Nest

Good morning nesters,

Great posts above, Here is something I was reading & agree with .

A the start of this new life , there were times & ideas that I will somehow & someday enjoy & control my drinking, Its a great obsession of every abnormal drinker, The persistence of this illusion is astonishing ,

Many of us pursue it till the gates of death, I come to believe that I had to concede to our most innerselfs that I was an alcoholic, For me this is the most important step in winning,

The delusion that we are like other people who drink has to be smashed, We alcoholic are men & women who have lost the ability to control our drinking, We/I know that no real alcoholic will ever recover control of our addiction, We/I have tried multiple times to control it by failed in every single time.


Have a good ay folks...

[Pavati]

Re: Newbies Nest

Hi, Nest:

Happy Tuesday. Ava - awesome post and so true. Patience. Acceptance (yes, Mario!). And believing the old timers.

Wags, I am so sorry for what you're going through. That story rang a bell with me - although I'm fairly sure we would have figured out the beer WAY WAY ahead of time.

Happy Tuesday!
Pav

[ssd858]

Re: Newbies Nest

Mario - 3000 days is amazing! Thank you for coming on here daily and sharing your insights.

Ava - congrats on the 3 years, 4 months! It is more than a little disheartening to think that after 3 years a craving can still hit you hard But after soaking my body with wine for 6 years I guess it may take that long to fully heal both physically and emotionally.

Lost Soul - I'd happily come paint a room to visit Ireland

No Sugar - thank you so much for the book rec! I am reading Jason Vale's right now and Chandler's is next on my list.

Tony - working in a restaurant or bar must be one of the most challenging situations for people like us. Good on you for getting on here and staying connected to your path! Brilliant timing that on day 70 the biking group visited your restaurant and you were given a preview of what addiction can bring.

Hey Brydie - thank you too for your presence here in the nest! Are you still baking?

Wags - thank you for sharing the story of the beer aficionado! That was so me but with wine. A few years back we went on a 2 week trip to Europe and my drink of choice was not to be found! It was a definite damper to my vaca to be so mentally focused on finding my wine - which just not possible! And the truly crazy thing was that when we returned to the states and I got my first glass of the cherished wine it didn't taste good! I thought it was a bad bottle. It took me awhile but I quickly regained my taste for it. my So glad to have left that behind!

[KENSHO]

Re: Newbies Nest

Snowy morning here. Headed to the city to do some client shopping and try and figure out the bank situation - they have really thrown a wrench in things! Hopefully it will all be sorted out soon.

Making meatballs tonight - excited for a yummy Italian dinner in this cold weather. Sans wine, of course. I sometimes wonder how it will be if we visit Italy some day and do the bike tour of wineries. THAT will be an interesting one. I can imagine myself saying - "only for this trip", "this is how people live here", "it's an art form"..... but then I know its all BS. I know there is much to see and taste there without perpetuating an addiction.

Anyway, blabbering here and need to get on the road. Happy Tuesday. Byrdie, we need more cookie photos - what have you cooked up lately?

[Lost Soul]

Re: Newbies Nest

Hi all,
Hope everyone is well tonight x

Thought I'd talk about something else tonight. If that is okay. I see my addiction in terms of me but also others. I think AA adresses this in the making amends (step 7,8 ) but I feel it's lifelong (like my journey). I guess one day at a time is best in so many ways, in reference to the choice not to drink today. Makes great sense. But what about my loved ones? I don't think it is enough. Even though I may be sober from now on & not relapse it's still affected 'them'. For example In the way, that I relapsed when my son was 9 & he saw me wobbly (when he went to the toilet) & shocked as it was very very different than before. I think it shouldn't because I have been age appropriately honest about what is wrong with me & highlighted it's not his fault. But know it might worry or upset him when he is a dad himself & has a 9 year old child & remember the impact my alcoholism had on him in a sense of loss of trust & safety. I worry about my little girl too because I know she is both too young & I hid it from her, but still it affects me completely & as a result affects them. I have told her mummy is & was sick & I am taking medicine to be better (taking steps & receiving support to be well) so they don't feel in any way to blame.

I feel very tired & troubled otherwise with my own mum & dad because trying to impose/assert my own heathy boundaries with them has deteriorated to a no contact situation. I have only made this decision after 32 years of trying but sadly it is the only option
I have left.

I think this may be triggering & troubling me more than anticipated here because it isinteracting with other past traumas I've been affected by & got super help on here. (As my mum and dad have been present all throughout & kind of represent a lack of support at those bad times.) Can't talk about now or maybe ever, but It makes my sensible & rational self hurt alot mum saying "if dad dies of cancer it would serve him right" is something I still struggle with silly as it may be, nearly two years on. I really am trying so so hard.

Please please help me. I both do & don't know what to do & (although i know its there) can't find my hope on the other side. I don't feel I belong here because I feel my troubles are beyond the scope of myof but very connected to my alcoholism too. I am sorry for the doom and gloom. It will be okay soon xxx

Wishing all a safe & sober Tuesday
LS

[Byrdlady]

Re: Newbies Nest

Lost, my relationship with my mom was complicated, also. All I have to offer is that while I never can forget what happened, I have to accept it and know she was doing the best she could at the time. Like Mario said, acceptance is the key. It takes time. She said and did so many hurtful things to me I am convinced it contributed to my 'issues'. But does assigning blame make the outcome any different? No, not at all. Im just moving on and trying to make the future the best I possibly can.

Here is a cake I whipped up last weekend. Thank you for asking about my baking!
IMG_2726.jpg

[Orimus]

Re: Newbies Nest

LS – Not being a parent I can only understand to a certain degree the worry which I would imagine only compounds the normal worries a mother has about her children. (It has been years and my mother still has conversations with me that she worries her depression and divorce from my dad may have ‘damaged’ me and my brothers in some way.) Whereas the worry and fear is there none of us can go back and change the past. I believe you know this however. Projecting all the way out to when your son has a child of his own does no one any good. Yesterday was just the prelude to today however today we get to write the story by breaking it down to the chapters, the page, the sentence or even just a single word and we get to write the outline that we lay the rest of the story out on.

I’m so sorry your relationship with your own parents has not gone the way you had hoped but glad you have been able to stand up for your boundaries. I cannot imagine how tough/painful it must be after years of not getting their support to have to surrender any relationship with the people who should’ve been your support all along. And no it is not silly to struggle with your mother’s apathetic comment. Taken all together one cannot wonder if it is not feeding the fires of your own parental worries.

We grieve for out past, for the things that we wish never were and the things that we wish had been. We all grieve in our own way and we each get to choose how we let that grief shape us. Because it will but there again we get to choose – choose who we become or let the grief decide for us. There is a quote from Tony Robbins that I had in my signature for a while that I find helpful in times of making decisions – “Everyone's life is either a warning or an example. What is yours going to be?”

I hope something I said is helpful; if not feel free to disregard it and simply give yourself a big hug and a smile. You say you can’t find your hope on the other side yet also that it will be okay soon. That sounds like a bit of hope to me so please be kind to yourself. :hug:

[Lavande]

Re: Newbies Nest

Good evening Nesters,

We ended up with a half decent day after a night or torrential rain - go figure.

LS, please consider the advice from all of us. I know we can only offer so much help but we truly hate seeing anyone suffer.
My Dad passed away nearly 20 years ago & to be perfectly honest I was almost happy to see him go. He had a way of making everyone uncomfortable, feel unworthy, guilty, whatever. I only wish I had been able to make him see that he was the most imperfect of all of us. It really doesn't matter anymore, it's history. It bothers me still that 3 out of 4 of us ended up severely depressed & made some bad life choices. The youngest escaped all the hassle by leaving home & never returning.
After it was all said & done I can honestly say that I am grateful that I survived & managed to pull myself together. I am grateful & proud & you should be too. You are moving forward & making positive changes in your life & the lives of your children. I think they will remember your strength & tenacity & enjoy their loving mother. None of us can be perfect all of the time. Right?
Working on my gratitude list each & every day helped me forget the past & move forward in my new life. You can do it too :hug:

Wishing everyone a safe & comfy night in the nest!

Lav

[Nursie]

Re: Newbies Nest

snuggling in to the nest for a good sleep tonight!

151 days today! Wow!

I went to dinner tonight with my brother and watched him drink a beer while I had my ginger ale with a cherry. It was ok. I was ok. I was happy to eat my delicious dinner and we laughed a lot. And can I just tell you? I LOVE coming home and planting a big wet sober kiss on my hubby. Feels so good!!

[mario]

Re: Newbies Nest

Good morning nesters,
LostSoul We cannot go back into the past & correct anyones mistakes,We cant right any of the many wrongs we all did, You have a new life now & that's what you should be working on, Showing your children the new you, as you were sick & now you are getting better.You are going forward from now, I cant really say much on your relationship with your Mother & father, all you can do is make amends to them(if that's your thing) whether they accept or understand them is not your business, This recovery is about you no one else, I have three grown up children & they well remember the old Mario & all it brought to the house & there life, But I can honestly say they now look at me with pride & while not forgetteing my past with them they dwell on the happiness we have now. Recovery is a long journey, it is within as it is out in the everyday world we live in, we have to put the work in, forgive yourself LS & let it go.

I on laptop and having trouble typing :-(

[Lost Soul]

Re: Newbies Nest

Hi all,
Thankyou all so much for your kind words & support - it is really helping me through a process that I think I acknowledge only I can go through & feeling less alone at the bad times x I appreciate it so much xxx

Byrdie thankyou, I have been thinking about what you said & I agree with you & think I understand your concerns. I think it's important for me to try to make responsible decisions & choices for the right reasons. Doing so for the wrong reasons isn't healthy or helpful. I guess if I was to 'blame/shame' my parents for causing my problems I think it might lead to anger & resentment towards them as human beings & also a very unhealthy outcome for myself too of leaving me powerless to find solutions to my own problems because I am caught up in blame, anger & resentment x I think being aware of this risk & taking it into consideration when making my choices, it also leads me to making a more informed choice for the right reasons.

I think for what it's worth I think I have also worked towards forgiveness of them already in that I acknowledge that their behaviour likely arose from their family of origin or perhaps bad things they experienced so it is not their fault & they are not to blame. It is also not mine either & I think more importantly it is not my responsibility to rectify (because only they can fix their own hurts). I am no longer going to carry their shame. In truth, it was never their's to carry either but they have to recognise this themselves to make positive changes in their life & take responsibility for their own problems. Otherwise they are powerless & victims to the cycle of abusive behaviour. I think it's because they know their behaviour & their choices are wrong but hide it. Like when my dad's sister visited from England & a friend from down south they came to my house not their's (because they know & worry about what they would think) & in addition my parents complained about my garden! I think my garden not being neat enough isn't a problem with having alot of my own responsibility anyway so it's the burden of keeping it all hidden & pretending nothings wrong & additional unnecessary judgement. They are choosing to acknowledge something is wrong enough to make choices to hide it but then choose to do nothing to fix it and I guess that is the problem. Denial.

Orimus :hug: Thankyou for your wise words too, I think your absolutely right that worry about the future before it happens isn't good. I think there is an element of trying to learn from my parents mistakes to deal with things in an appropriate manner today x I don't think it is good or healthy to speak about my alcoholism to my kids in the way we do here (& scare the living daylights out of them) but also think honesty is the best policy, age appropriately to hopefully alleviate any fear or shame about having problems & being able to deal with them in the right way, because all people have problems & struggles & it's not a bad reflection on a person & anything can be overcome. I guess I am trying to restore a sense of assurance & security in the here & now so it doesn't cause more problems down the road x

Thankyou Lav for your kind words & sharing your experience too, it really is helpful :hug: I think your right, time is the best healer & it will feel less raw as time goes on x I am anticipating the first year (birthdays & anniversaries etc) to be the hardest. I think they are bittersweet because like at Christmas time, I feel really good & glad for the choices I made & enjoy my lovely little family x But at the same time I also feel sad for what I am choosing to leave behind & why too x I think my family get all my love & support (like little people should) and you wonderful understanding people get all the left over sad & bad :sad: As time goes on I know I will build more healthy & positive memories & the past will be a bit further away & not hopefully hurt so much x

Just talking through all my doom & gloom is really helpful & I feel better & less isolated so thankyou so very much xxx
Wishing all a safe & sober Wednesday
LS