Newbies Nest

[NoSugar]

Re: Newbies Nest

One thing I've come to appreciate over the last 4 years of getting alcohol out of my life and trying to understand how I even became addicted in the first place is that in spite of how it looks to others, each person is doing what seems reasonable and correct to them in the moment, given their level of understanding. When people do and say awful things, it is really hard to imagine that from their perspective, what they are doing or saying seems to be their best, or even only, option. It doesn't mean that what is going on is ok, but it gives me some compassion for the person who for whatever reason feels that that is their only choice. If nothing else, it makes it easier to take what was done or said less personally and to forgive.

[Pavati]

Re: Newbies Nest

Good Morning.

Lost Soul - this weekend someone said this to me - "What someone thinks of me is none of my business." It resonated as a reminder that we can only control our actions, not others' actions. I am so sorry your parents are not nice to you - really I am. As a parent, can you imagine acting that way with your own kids? My bet is that you can't. So taking NoSugar's comments a step further, think about what it must be like to be them, knowing how they treat you. They must be miserable. And I know it is easier said than done, but who cares what they think about your garden? (Of course you do, but letting go would be a step toward forgiving). I think that while you won't get therapeutic counseling here, "talking" through whatever issues you have is part of the deal. That is how we help and support each other.

This is a very stressful week at work for me. I get home and quickly get very sleepy because I think I have an adrenaline hangover. There was a time when I thought I needed alcohol to help me unwind from days like this, but it never crossed my mind last night. I went out for a quick walk around the neighborhood and spent some time with my family and it helped. Back into the fray today, but I'll survive. Honestly, humans are SO complicated, and trying to deal with all of the personalities and emotions can be a circus act. But no alcohol - the only way out is through.

Happy SOBER Hump Day,

Pav

[KENSHO]

Re: Newbies Nest

LS, I’m sorry you are feeling down about your family. Close people to me have a similar situation, and they have found some peace through acceptance as well. I believe we have to surround ourselves with positive, happy people in order to nurture this in ourselves. It’s not always easy.

I am also struggling with something. I have been fairly judgmental with my husband about his alcohol use. He’s not an alcoholic in my opinion, but he does like to drink - to a pretty hefty buzz on the weekends. This has been bothering me a lot. Though it’s true that, because I love him, I project onto him what has worked for me to find happiness (not drinking and eating healthy food). But I finally figured out that what bothers me the most is that we are not on the same page with what makes us happy, and that makes us feel a little disconnected. I no longer want to get “f-ed” up. I know he wishes I did. To those of you who have successfully maintained a relationship after quitting, how did you walk this line and find common interests to focus on?

Byrdie, what is the bunny made of? Please say white chocolate.

[wagmor]

Re: Newbies Nest

LS - I'm so sorry to hear of the challenges with your parents, it sounds like especially with your mom. This must hurt a great deal. I think you are wise to explore how these relationships have affected you and how they interact with your relationship with al. At some point, it will likely come down to what some others have said on here, and what it sounds like you already know - you can only change yourself, and you can only choose how you respond to others. That does not erase the pain, nor does it say that others' actions and/or words are ok. Hugs to you. We might not have all the answers, and you're not necessarily asking us for them, but I believe this is a safe place to share your thoughts and to get support. :hug:

NS - Your words really resonated with me. I came to a similar understanding when I was rehabbing from my first bad car accident about 15 years ago. At that time, I was personally dealing with so many "invisible" challenges that others were not aware of and that I did not share or announce publicly. I was coping as best as I could, even though some of my decisions probably seemed self-focused, short-sighted and/or irresponsible. These months and years helped me to realize that you never know what someone else is dealing with, and that no matter what it looks like to outsiders, people are probably doing the best that they can or what makes the most sense to them given the resources and knowledge (internal and external) that they have available at that time. This does not make everything ok, but it sure does feel better to give the benefit of the doubt and assume that folks are doing their best even when that best sure does suck.

Kensho - Sorry to hear about the situation with your husband. I don't have any great words of wisdom to share, but I hear your concerns about feeling disconnected. That must be very difficult. I guess my only idea is to focus on the things (activities, values, etc) that you still do share and put energy into those. I can't remember - have you had any conversations with him about how you've changed and what your concerns are for him? Not easy, for sure.

[Byrdlady]

Re: Newbies Nest

Gads, what a day. Im so over my head its not funny. I love my new company, but Im getting frustrated with not knowing what Im doing. I know it takes time, but enough already.
Kensho, the bunny is actually cake, too. I have a pan that turns out perfectly formed bunnies. The cake is orange flavored. Mmmm.
My hubs and I had a very different dynamic after I quit, too. While our circumstances are totally different, I bet the botton line is the same. It takes time to get back on to the same path. We had to learn what worked for each of us and what worked for us together. For a long time, I resented the fact that he could drink and I couldnt.....now I just think its a waste of time, money, and liver function. Hang in there!

Great posts during the last 24 hours, this place rocks! Byrdie

[Lavande]

Re: Newbies Nest

Good evening Nesters,

It was a lovely spring day in Lav-land & now we are waiting for flooding rain storms again, ugh. I sure hope we get some really nice flowers next month after all this rain

Trying to 'fix' our relationships after we quit drinking takes a long, long time & a lot of effort. It's not something that happens immediately because it takes people time to learn to trust us again. I know I wanted everyone to smile & just move forward with me but it doesn't always work out that way. I had to accept that trying to 'go back' & recapture the past wasn't going to work. So instead I (we) are moving forward into a whole new phase of life/marriage. Things are different, we are different people now but that happens when you've been married almost 44 years!
I decided to not be afraid of the future or the unknowns & focus primarily on today Everything is good!

Wishing everyone a safe & comfy night in the nest!

Lav

[mario]

Re: Newbies Nest

Good morning nesters, lots of food for thought above , Here is something I never shared here before ,

If people read my story here I tell how I met a beautiful lady who helped me no end & I got on with very very well together, I moved back to Ireland with her & we lived together, but it wasn't to long before my addiction over came even that great lady, & when the choices were put to me the lady or the drink it was always the drink that won out.,

Anyway after I started on my new life, my good lady still liked to drink, as I got stronger & stronger in myself, The more we/I could see we were drifting apart, sometimes she would stop for a few weeks but gradually her drinking became more frequent & gradually we started living & doing separate things in our respective life's, What didn't help of course is that I worked away from home a lot.

Eventually her family & me were so alarmed at her every night/day drinking we had a good talk, but alas we all know here to well that promises mean nothing & its action & work that matters if your really serious in stopping or trying to control your drinking .

So without going into the many many details & years this was/is going on it came down to the alcohol or me, The alcohol won & we split this year after 10 years together.

Thought I would share this, life can be hard.

have a good day folks.

[wagmor]

Re: Newbies Nest

Byrdie - Sorry to hear that your work is so frustrating. It sure is difficult to feel like you don't know what you're doing. Are there steps you can take to get extra training or mentoring, or is it just a matter of time to gain experience, or...??? Regardless, keep the positive feelings about your company in the forefront of your mind - that's a big benefit that cannot be taken for granted (I know you know that). Sure wish we could help you!

Lav - yikes, flood waters are nothing to sneeze at. Is your home/property at risk at all? Sigh... The weather this past year (or the past few years) seems like it has been brutal in many areas of the country/world. I hope you get beautiful flowers as well!

Mario - thanks for reminding us of your story. I have a feeling that al has disrupted or dissolved many relationships when one person chooses it over the other person. I'm so sorry to hear that your relationship ended this year and that al was a factor. Sending hugs to you :hug:

[wagmor]

Re: Newbies Nest

Last night I went to a small party to celebrate the life of a friend who almost died a year ago. Alcohol was a direct factor that nearly led to her death. The party was at a pub, and drinks flowed freely. I love my friend and I'm glad she's alive, but I was saddened to see her get fairly tipsy as the evening went on.

I attended the same party with another very good friend. She normally doesn't overdo drinks - she's someone who can have 1 or 2 and then stop, or she can nurse one drink over the course of an hour or a whole party. Last night, for some reason, she also drank more than usual and it changed her behavior. It wasn't horrible, but it was enough "not her usual self" that I became uncomfortable and didn't like the person I was seeing very much.

Although the party was meant to be a celebration, I left feeling profound sadness. I did speak with my friend and let her know how I was feeling and specified a few things I'd seen her do that seemed very out of character. She was chagrined and apologized. I also made it clear that part of what upset me is that she was behaving in a way that was very contrary to how she normally is and what I know she really values. I didn't directly connect it to her extra drinks, but I think she was sober enough to make that connection on her own. I also think she was embarrassed, which wasn't really my goal but maybe is a good thing? I don't know. I realize we can't control anyone's behavior but our own, but I also think it's ok to tell people how we feel when we witness certain behaviors.

What are your thoughts? Do you address this type of thing directly with good friends, do you let it slide and deal with your own side of things, or does it depend? Just curious to hear others' thoughts on this type of situation.

[satz123]

Re: Newbies Nest

Good morning nesters, lots of food for thought above , Here is something I never shared here before ,

If people read my story here I tell how I met a beautiful lady who helped me no end & I got on with very very well together, I moved back to Ireland with her & we lived together, but it wasn't to long before my addiction over came even that great lady, & when the choices were put to me the lady or the drink it was always the drink that won out.,

Anyway after I started on my new life, my good lady still liked to drink, as I got stronger & stronger in myself, The more we/I could see we were drifting apart, sometimes she would stop for a few weeks but gradually her drinking became more frequent & gradually we started living & doing separate things in our respective life's, What didn't help of course is that I worked away from home a lot.

Eventually her family & me were so alarmed at her every night/day drinking we had a good talk, but alas we all know here to well that promises mean nothing & its action & work that matters if your really serious in stopping or trying to control your drinking .

So without going into the many many details & years this was/is going on it came down to the alcohol or me, The alcohol won & we split this year after 10 years together.

Thought I would share this, life can be hard.

have a good day folks.

Mario :hug:

[Lost Soul]

Re: Newbies Nest

Hi all,
Yawn feeling tired this Thurs, hope everyone is well tonight?

Huge congratulations on your 151 days Nursie :heartbeat: your a shining example (my apologies for any distraction!)
Thankyou for your kind words & insights too Mario - on my 'doom and gloom' think I said a few years ago on your thread, your slightly bigger little ones are lucky to have such a wise man in their life :hug: & hope mine can say the same too some day x
I'm very sorry your relationship didn't work out :sad: I remember you mentioned you were going through a separtion but didn't know the context. Obviously the other contributing factors were different for me, but I first 'identified' (dumb word) a problem though a different addictive behaviour & I was very sad too because where I was, was so different & I couldn't reach them as much as I very much wanted too x

NS & Pav thankyou for taking the time also to offer your guidance x I think I mentioned before I did everything the wrong way round & it's possibly adding to my inner conflict? My toolbox for 'trauma recovery' is conflicting with many ideas that are relevant to 'alcoholism recover' & fear it may be causing harm. As I mentioned I do not regret (although would rather not have) relapsed, But do see it as an overall benefit. Forgiveness is unnecessary to healing from trauma. I haven't & never will forgive perpetrators of past abuse that I feel I have made a full recovery from x Denial & acceptance isn't really the issue either I don't think (without acceptance I wouldn't have been able to talk about it after making the choices I already have) It's the vulnerability of realisation. The bit in the middle. Which can hit me like a tidal wave at any time. A deep sadness or intense anger or perhaps even both or neither. All is good. I KNOW it isn't the place. But 'my story' in fragments is both brutal honestly & exactly how life affects us. Until it doesn't. "Only through experience of trial and suffering can the soul be strengthened, ambition inspired, and success achieved."

Thanks Kensho & Wags so much xxx id be getting greedy with the health spa n stuff if i could chance my arm...but whatever else you guys enjoy together would be good x

With out more about the situation I'd go with your judgement wags - you know your know your friend better & your sensible & grounded. Sending you thoughts of strength whatever you do xxx

Wishing all a safe & sober Thursday
LS
Xxx

[Lavande]

Re: Newbies Nest

Good evening Nesters,

After a night & full day of storms, thunder & lightning too we ended up with a sunny sky & a big fat rainbow

Wags, we are lucky to be located up & away from the many creeks & streams in the area. There's a good deal of mud & stuff on the roads but nothing gets in the house.

We had dinner out with our grandson tonight for his 6th birthday - fun
These are the times I am especially grateful for my quit!

Hello to everyone & wishing for a safe night in the nest for all!

Lav

[Byrdlady]

Re: Newbies Nest

Aother 12 hour day. Im beat.
Mario, Im so sorry to hear aboutvyour relationship. That sucks. Hard to conceive that AL has effected all of us in such negative ways. What a powerful addiction it is.
I hope you will be able to come to terms with it all. We will be right here with you. Hugs dear man.
Glad tomorrow is Friday. Hope I can get it all done.
Hugs to all, Byrdie

[Orimus]

Re: Newbies Nest

I am very sorry to hear that Mario. It really is such a blow when, despite our best efforts, a relationship ends and the fact that alcohol is front and center .... For myself it took a couple of years of bottling (or un-bottling as the case may be) my emotions and a bit of a disaster when I re-opened that door to make my peace that I can take joy in giving love but, as a gift, I could not tell my beloved what to do with it or expect it's return. Not sure if that helps my friend but stick close and lean on us if/when you need.

[mario]

Re: Newbies Nest

A very quick fly by here thanks for all the kind words .

Keep good n safe .