Newbies Nest

[tonyniceday]

Re: Newbies Nest

Good Morning Everyone-
I have avoided posting for a bit because I am ashamed to admit that I am drinking again. However, I decided this morning that I wanted to post. The best I've done with sobriety is when I was posting and feeling connected to others who have had similar struggles with alcohol. With each passing day I have greater and greater respect for those of you who have remained sober long-term. This is the hardest thing I have ever tried to do. I allow myself to be pulled back time and time again. With each failed attempt there is shame and guilt yet I do it again. This is my son's 15th birthday. I'm going to try, at least for today, not to drink for his sake. It takes such a toll on the people I love the most - I don't understand why I continue to put alcohol ahead of them.

Hoping everyone has a sober and safe Monday-

Kim

Kim, what Mario said is so true. When I was really at my worst, I would tell myself that I wouldn't drink for a particular day because it was, perhaps a birthday, or some other celebration, or more usually because my wife wanted me to be sober when she got home so that we could go out together or for all other manner of reasons. In some ways this is why some people say that you have to hit a point at which it becomes YOU that are the reason you want to stop drinking. I'd ask the question of why it was important for you not to drink on your son's birthday? The answer is almost in the question. You know he would have a better birthday if you were sober. You don't want the embarrassment of him remembering his 15th birthday as being one where Mum was drunk (again).

But through all that there does have to come that time when you know you have to stop, you want to stop, you need to stop for You and you alone.

Some people will call that "rock bottom". That does not mean that you need to be that person who is sleeping in the shop doorway, begging and when you get enough money to buy the next bottle of wine, that's what you do and then go back to the shop doorway again. Rock bottom can be so many things. It doesn't mean you have to lose your partner, your home, your job, your friends, your family etc. it's a place that you get to when you absolutely have to start doing something for YOU and YOU ALONE. There may be a catalyst that you will lose something, or there will be an unacceptable consequence if you continue drinking, but whatever it is it has to be for you.

How do you get help? well you've come here and that is an excellent start! I know it works for me, but it is not here in isolation. I have medical and psychiatric help as well and the help of my wife. Some people use AA or different programmes like "SMART" in the UK. There are online podcasts and all sorts of different things and I would say try them all...You will find your own mix, or for some people just one thing, that works for you. But the bottom line is that you have to have that deep seated need to do this for yourself.

[MENTION=8463]mario[/MENTION], that is a phenomenal post. Thank you for it!
My lure to booze is purely mental. I KNOW I should quit, and I know all the reasons why I should quit, yet I hold out. I want to quit, but evidently not enough. I realize all the harm I am doing to myself and my loved ones, but it's not enough to stop. It makes no sense. None. And yet I fight with that. Why? Can I learn to be happy and accepting of my drinking? Or is the only solution to happiness abstinance?

I thought this for ages. I was absolutely convinced it was all in my head. Much of it is mental but it is almost always a combination of mental and physical addiction. You can get help with both and being here will help you too. Should you stop completely? Should you accept your drinking? Should you cut down?

Only you can answer that.

What I would say is that if your drinking is causing problems to you physically or mentally, or if it is causing problems for those around you, then you do need to address it and decide your way forward. For me, and most people on here, abstinence is the only way forward because those who do that are people who know they cannot have just 1 drink...it always leads to more and more.

If you think that cutting back is the answer for you then there are also threads on here for people who do that...

Personally, there was a terrible incident in my family where a family member lost his life whilst awaiting a place in detox. That and a couple of other things made me realise I had to stop, full stop. Cutting back would never work for me.

As to just "accepting" drinking to excess as part of my life...I think I did that for enough years to know that was not the answer for me!

Just like PH Kim above, it's you who needs to answer the question and decide what you want to do.

AND to both of you, when you make that decision you can be absolutely certain of all our support and help here, in whatever way we can

[wagmor]

Re: Newbies Nest

Kim - sorry to hear about drinking again. So many of us can understand, at least to some extent, how that happens and what it feels like. As others have said, not drinking for your son is a good start - we all have to find the things that motivate us to get that day one, or first several days under our belts. At some point, though, it does become about YOU. Doing this for yourself, because there will always be someone else to drink at, or to drink with, or to drink away from (or to not drink in all the same ways).

I know for me, a big piece of the puzzle fell into place when I recognized that I was literally poisoning myself in order to get what was "sold" as short-term relief. Relief from pain, from stress, from boredom, from social discomfort or anxiety, from emptiness or loneliness - you name it. I was mostly drinking to get the feeling in my head that I thought felt better than whatever I was in at the moment. But that pleasant feeling would typically only last for a brief amount of time - maybe an hour at most - and then I'd spend the rest of the day or night "chasing" that feeling and trying to get it back. The two big things that helped me stop were: a) that urge to feel something different almost always passes within minutes or hours, and if I rode it out I'd arrive at a different type of relief that was healthier and more sustainable, and b) that I was drinking poison in order to get that sought-after feeling in my head. I asked myself whether I would drink bleach or a pesticide or similar if it was shown to bring the same effects as al, and the answer was clearly NO! So I have re-classified al as a poison and every time I'm tempted to drink I think about whether I'd reach for the bleach. If my answer is still no, then my answer had to also be no for al.

Reframing al as poison removed it as an option. Then I'm back to having to deal with the feelings I either want to chase or the ones I want to escape. This did not magically resolve once I took away al as an option. I have HAD to explore other remedies and develop new skills. I use different ones at different times, but some of the options I embrace are music, exercise, time in nature, a walk with our dog, a funny movie or something else that makes me laugh, a food that serves as a treat or a salve (comfort foods essentially). I have also used a lot of techniques from cognitive behavior therapy (CBT) - basically things you can say to yourself that reframe what you're feeling or experiencing. Your mind is powerful, and I've found that CBT lets me use my mind to help soothe my body and my heart.

I don't mean for this post to be advice-giving. Not sure that's what you're even looking for right now. Instead, this post is largely for me - a way for me to remind myself what I have learned and what I'm still learning. If there's anything in there that's useful for you or anyone else, awesome. I find that, for me, one of the most useful aspects of MWO and the nest is hearing others' stories - their successes and stumbles, their musings and epiphanies.

You're in a safe place here. Glad you shared what you're going through. I hope your son has (or had) a wonderful birthday and that you enjoyed your time with him. Hugs :hug:

[ssd858]

Re: Newbies Nest

There does come a point when you'll wonder what in the heck all of the fuss was about. I remember doing exactly what PHKim described:
Quitting seemed impossible and even when I had several weeks of AF time, I still wished that things were different and I were "normal".

This weekend I was home alone. I thought about the fact that if I wanted to, I could drink. Unfortunately there is wine in the house (left over from a party and to be served at an upcoming party - NOT A RECOMMENDED PRACTICE!!!) and so it wouldn't even have taken any effort. BUT, here's the thing - I didn't have any desire to drink it. Truth is, my homemade kombucha tastes much better than wine. But most importantly, I know that I never wanted just 1 "serving" of wine (a measly 4 ounces) and I'm no longer wanting to escape to numbness. It seems ridiculous that I ever did. I remember clearly that warm feeling that Kensho and Pav were talking about. I maximized it by not eating for several hours before that first drink each and every day. It was rewarding - but came at much too high a price.

So, hang in there, ssd. There will come a time when not drinking is normal for you (you'll rarely even think about it one way or the other) and for the most part, you won't want a drink. When that random thought that pops up, you'll be able to clearly see it for what it is, and just let it go.

PHKim, I found that reading and posting here A LOT was the key to quitting. Perhaps promise yourself that you'll post before drinking - that pause may be all it takes to stop you from making a choice you'll regret so much later. I hope you can stick with it and regain the life you want and deserve. :hug: NS

For the most part I do not want a drink. I was just surprised to have my brain going in that direction again after feeling such resolve in this quit. And about the taste, I agree wholeheartedly! I make this "fakemosa" that I know beats out my favorite chardonnay. And I clearly recall that after my last few quit attempts the chardonnay didn't even taste good to me! I haven't tried kombucha but will give it a try as well! Do you recommend a good one to start with?

[NoSugar]

Re: Newbies Nest

GT's is good - just don't buy the ones that are labeled as containing alcohol :wink:. Making it is MUCH cheaper and can be a lot of fun - plus you can choose your flavors and level of sweetness. If you want to try that, PM me and I'd be happy to send you a starter SCOBY (if you're in the US).

[Nursie]

Re: Newbies Nest

Checking in, gorgeous day!
Doing well. Sure is hot today and that got me thinking about a cold beer. It was fleeting though.
I made myself a nice iced seltzer with fruit and it's delicious.

[Guitarista]

Re: Newbies Nest

Greetings pilgrims,

Early wednesday morn in Oz. Looking like a sunny cool autumn day ahead. I've reduced my workload substantially which means a better balance for me on the inside, and that helps big time with maintaining my sobriety. Excellent posts above from all as usual. Wishing y'all a fab rest of the week. Yo! :llama:

Edit: Meditation simply explained.

NB: Now old Sogyal has been in hot water recently for some alleged shenanigans in succumbing to western trappings and harassment of students, but it's the well established info he shares here that interests me, and not how many cheeseburgers he ordered from room service at the Hilton last night whilst on tour.

'When the clouds dissolve' -

'In this short extract from a recent teaching in Zurich, Sogyal Rinpoche shares a simple meditation method through which we can release and relax the mind.

It is said that, in meditation, we should neither follow the past nor anticipate the future but just leave our minds in the clear awareness of nowness. When thoughts come, we do not try to suppress or block them but neither do we have to follow after or indulge them. By just remaining present and undistracted, our thoughts and thinking all settle; like clouds dissolving, revealing a clear sky.

When thoughts and emotions settle like this, in the state of calm abiding, and you are able to remain in the state of non-distraction, then clear seeing, clarity or insight is possible.'

[Lavande]

Re: Newbies Nest

Good evening Nesters,

G, you are really starting to sound like a guru
Glad things are going so well for you!

Spring has arrived in full force & I am enjoying the chance to spend some time outside welcoming my plants back, ha ha!
It really doesn't take much to make me happy. I remain grateful for my quit & the chance to live life without AL holding me back

Wishing everyone a safe night in the nest!

Lav

[idefineme]

Re: Newbies Nest

Hello, wonderful people. Just a quick drop in for accountability. Thanks for being here, everybody!

[PanhandleKim]

Re: Newbies Nest

What wonderful posts, sharing and ideas. I hate it that we all have this problem but I find so much comfort in the knowledge that other people actually probably drink (or used to drink) like I do. I feel/hope that soon I will be able to say, " like I did". I want it to be past tense and I feel it coming. I'm thinking about it all the time now and don't want AL to be what I plan my weekend activities and evenings around. I have allowed AL to run my life for many years. I've accepted that I can't control it - it controls me. That's why I have to get it completely out of my life. My son's birthday was wonderful. I drank but it was after he was settled for the night. That's still not ok but at least it didn't cast a pall over his celebration. So many of you are saying things that resonate with me - being here for grandkids is a big one. My husband told me this weekend, "Kim, you've got to do this for your long-term health and for my health as well." I know I have to do this for my family but as you all have emphasized, I have to do it for myself primarily. If I do it for myself and commit to sobriety, everyone I love will benefit.

I planted a relatively large vegetable and herb garden over the weekend and I attended a class on bee keeping. I've got to keep myself busy and stay ahead of insecurity and anxiety. Those are my deadly triggers...

Thank you all for your posts, your advice (which I am always grateful for) and sharing your own experiences.

Goodnight - PHKim
'

[KENSHO]

Re: Newbies Nest

Hi Pan/Kim... thanks for sharing with us. You can do this!! What I absolutely hated the most about alcohol was that it controlled me. So I get you there. Now, I am in control and it feels great. Keep going!

Take care Nest, I have paperwork out the wazoo to do before turning in, so here I go.

[wagmor]

Re: Newbies Nest

If I do it for myself and commit to sobriety, everyone I love will benefit.

THIS^^^ This is the crux of it all. You've got it Kim. There's nothing wrong with using all of the other people in our lives as additional motivators, but ultimately, the best thing we can do for any of them is to get our own sh*t together.

Really glad you're here with us. Keep your eye on the prize and before you know it you'll be saying "like I used to drink" (past tense) too!

[wagmor]

Re: Newbies Nest

Whoa. So I had a "scared straight" type of experience this evening. I take a few supplements (vitamins, a few herbs) as part of my overall health routine - nothing too extreme, but just a few things that help me feel and stay healthy etc.

Tonight, I was taking my evening supplements and I was simultaneously involved in a heavy conversation with a family member. As a consequence, I wasn't fully paying attention, and I accidentally took too much of one supplement. This isn't a huge deal, it wasn't a supplement that can be toxic or dangerous or anything, but taking too much makes me feel nauseous and jittery. I started feeling that way and quickly realized what I must have done. Without getting too graphic, I decided to get some of it out of my stomach while I still had a chance. I was able to do so and felt better within less than an hour.

But wow did this send me reeling back to the days of how I was drinking during the months before this final quit - so much I'd get sick from the al itself, or I'd make myself sick as a desperate measure. This eve took me back to some of the darkest days and nights of my drinking, when I was literally killing myself one bottle at a time. That's what drinking had become for me - not the silly social happy laughing picture al tries to paint for us, not the warm and fuzzy slightly buzzed feeling that al tries to lure us toward. No, drinking was me at my worst - sloppy, sick, not warm and fuzzy and certainly not happy.

This evening woke me up like jumping in cold water. I've been feeling very solid with my quit, very few temptations to speak of this time around. But this experience made me realize quite viscerally that I do NOT want to ever ever ever go back to that life and be that very sick person again. I'm nearly sobbing right now I'm so grateful to be AF and grateful that this eve was minor and had nothing to do with al.

I'll likely never make that mistake with supplements again. But I am also now more certain than ever that I'll NEVER drink again.

[mario]

Re: Newbies Nest

Good morning nesters ,
Wow wagmore glad your ok now, lesson learned .
Your post actually brought memories back to me about when I be in bits with a hangover with all that entails, & I would drag myself to the my nearest bar & do my best to get one or two drinks into me so I would feel better, Sometimes I be so sick I just couldent drink & would just drag myself back home again to literally die on a bed. Other times I would get a few into me, would feel better but instead of stopping I would continue only to wake up later or next day feeling even worse, Rinse & repeat. Glad you feeling good today.

Have a good day folks.

[Pavati]

Re: Newbies Nest

Hi, Nest:

Wags, your post somehow conjured up a terrible feeling in me, too. I NEVER want to go back to how I was feeling 3+ years ago. I am so grateful to be here and on a good path.

Kim - thanks for sharing your struggles. I know for sure that I never wanted just one drink, even when I was successful in limiting myself to that. I was always chasing that buzz. When I get a thought about a drink these days, one phrase that works for me is "if only one, why not none." Even if I could limit myself, what would be the point?

I have a day off today - housework and a visit with a friend are in order.

Good to see you all here. Happy Wednesday.

Pav

[Lavande]

Re: Newbies Nest

Good evening Nesters,

Another nice day here & it's flown by!

Wags, I take those minor mishaps & dreams as true blessings & opportunities to solidify my quit. Why would we ever purposely put ourselves back in harms way now that we know better? Glad you are OK!!

I have a busy day ahead tomorrow so I'll just wish everyone a safe night in the nest!

Lav