Newbies Nest

[empyr3al]

Re: Newbies Nest

12 steppers. No matter what tools you use its amazing you come back!

[Londoner]

Re: Newbies Nest

Update. I've taken the first steps to getting some help and finally admitting that I cannot do this alone.

I've got an appointment with my GP to discuss options with help. I'm going to mention something like Antabuse or see what options there are. I'm a binge drinker. Big time. Lots of flashbacks during meditation highlighting the ridiculous number of times in my life where alcohol has made me do stupid things. How it has changed me and my values. How I have lost my drive in life. And how it is affecting my work life and family life; days off work, time spent in isolation.

So, hopefully the brilliant NHS do have some options available to me.

[Matt M.]

Re: Newbies Nest

Londoner
Im glad your trying to get a hold of this. I'm not a "specialist" in this thing we have nor do I know shit about antabuse, other than it will make people sicker than dog shit if they get near alcohol.
Take this as a gesture of care and not a lecture. There is no magic pill or medicine that will cure us, if ther was I would have mainlined it. Even if there was a "pill" we would still be required to take it as prescribed, be it every 4 hours, daily etc.
If a person that knows that A) Alcohol is destroying their lives and the people around them. B) Alcohol has created unmanageable guilt and remorse due to poor decisions, continues the cycle of insanity by continuing to poison themselves with the same substance they despise, how will this person ever be able to voluntarily adhere to a daily pill regime? This is no different than the voluntary daily regiment of choosing not to take a drink. If that makes sense?
I have seen you struggle for many years and I truly hate it for you. You and I both know , "nothing changes if nothing changes."
I won't come at you with a problem without offering advice/solution(s)

You and I are not much different in the whole realm of things. I was in that viscious cycle of "stepping in front of a train" for many years. The only difference is, I didn't share it, I tried to secretly manage it. Failed!
While I don't attend AA, I have taken many nuggets from things I learned and applied, and over the years packaged them up to what has accumulated a few years.

1. Not drink, no matter what. Take it one day at a time, 4 hour increments hell one minute at a time. No matter what I was not fucking drinking.

2. Made a list, a detailed list of all the horrible decisions, choices, burdens in great detail. Vowed to read that list
often. Used my regrets and darkness as a tool.
3 looked at alcohol for what it truly is poison, factual, scientific poison.

Dealt with underlying issues that made me uncomfortable. For me it was PTSD from years as public servant, things that happen to me in my childhood etc. I found a therapist and "emptied my garbage" which were the very things I had buried with booze.
I changed my people, places and hangouts
I am always connected to other people that suffer from this tning we have. ALWAYS, ALWAYS.

I hope this helps even just a little.

Stay Hard!

[Londoner]

Re: Newbies Nest

Matt - thank you for the advice. Lot's of that rings true.

I bottle up a lot, am very closed off in general. The only time I have managed to be more genuine and open is after daily meditation and no drinking whatsoever.

I will run through the list of things that I have done that have embarrassed me or hurt others - that will be a long list. Sometimes people may not even realise, but they sit with me for a long time.

A therapist would be great, but that's not financially viable right now.

I like the idea of a tool to be used whilst I get back on my feet with eating well, sleeping well, working out and meditating. I like to think of it as a short term helper that will not give me the option to drink, and therefore stepping outside of my comfort zone and growing as a person.

I feel the last decade has really limited my development.

[empyr3al]

Re: Newbies Nest

Its a long weekend here. Raining. People will die today on our engineered highways, there is little doubt. Its a risk people take as many drive hundreds of kilometers from home, to their cottage, to boat and right now the 400 is probably the most dangerous place to be. Its a highway back to Toronto from the north (Cottage country) and then bleeds off in different directions. Hoping everyone is safe this long weekend.

[Struggles 106]

Re: Newbies Nest

Wise words indeed Matt! I definitely agree. I will say though that antabuse can be a start, not even necessarily long term. With that I guess I should say I proved your point as well; at times I would "forget" to take it knowing damn well what I had in my head to do.

I agree with the list idea too. As each sober day passes another dreadful memory or two pops up--stuff that I had forgotten or made light of that was truly awful. WHAT A MESS I WAS!

I feel great right now; I also agree that it is a huge step when you figure out what the hell is eating at you that you feel the need to self-medicate. I think a lot of it in my case is self-loathing. At to contradict myself again, at a certain point does it really matter? For example if your parents said you were a piece of shit and you internalized it--then EXTERNALIZE it-
Somewhere in this conundrum is personal responsibility. No expert either but I know what works for me now and I guess it's quite an individual thing. I suspect that a lot of people have been taught to devalue themselves in one way or another.

Enough from me-great post Matt, and Londoner-you and I are a lot alike I believe. I was a binge drinker too.
I no longer want to be drunk so that is that. Please let me know if you want to chat on PM. I really do think we share some traits-

Peace and love to all

Ann

[Struggles 106]

Re: Newbies Nest

Wise words indeed Matt! I definitely agree. I will say though that antabuse can be a start, not even necessarily long term. With that I guess I should say I proved your point as well; at times I would "forget" to take it knowing damn well what I had in my head to do.

I agree with the list idea too. As each sober day passes another dreadful memory or two pops up--stuff that I had forgotten or made light of that was truly awful. WHAT A MESS I WAS!

I feel great right now; I also agree that it is a huge step when you figure out what the hell is eating at you that you feel the need to self-medicate. I think a lot of it in my case is self-loathing. At to contradict myself again, at a certain point does it really matter? For example if your parents said you were a piece of shit and you internalized it--then EXTERNALIZE it-
Somewhere in this conundrum is personal responsibility. No expert either but I know what works for me now and I guess it's quite an individual thing. I suspect that a lot of people have been taught to devalue themselves in one way or another.

Enough from me-great post Matt, and Londoner-you and I are a lot alike I believe. I was a binge drinker too.
I no longer want to be drunk so that is that. Please let me know if you want to chat on PM. I really do think we share some traits-

Peace and love to all

Ann

[Lavande]

Re: Newbies Nest

Good evening Nesters,

Glad I am able to get into the nest tonight. Tried several times last evening but couldn't get in for some reason.

Thinking about our old friend Mario with much love, he was a special guy. RIP Mario.

Pav, welcome back from your turbulent vacation, geez. Now do you get another vacation to recover from all that? These certainly are the times we need to be grateful for sobriety.

Hello to everyone & wishing a safe night in the nest for all.
I have my granddaughter here for a few nights, it's been fun

Lav

[NoSugar]

Re: Newbies Nest

For example if your parents said you were a piece of shit and you internalized it--then EXTERNALIZE it-

EXACTLY, [MENTION=22747]Struggles 106[/MENTION]! The idea that there is something wrong with us or that we're broken or a hopeless case is a story that we made up or someone told us so many times we came to believe it. But just as you decided -literally overnight- that you were done drinking, we all can give up the negative stories and beliefs we've been burdened with - in an instant! The moment you realize that those ideas aren't true and were just made up, you can let them go. We do that all the time when we find out we've been given bad information about something outside ourselves. So why not give ourselves the same break?

[empyr3al]

Re: Newbies Nest

Antabuse you cannot get here.

[Matt M.]

Re: Newbies Nest

Good evening Nesters,

Glad I am able to get into the nest tonight. Tried several times last evening but couldn't get in for some reason.
Lav

I thought it was just an issue on my end, glad to know I wasnt the only that couldn't get in....

[lifechange]

Re: Newbies Nest

Hi Nesters,

I couldn't get into the Nest yesterday either.. frustrating. Fortunately, though, it seemed to be the only thread affected.

Londoner, so glad you're checking in and asking for help.. :hug: You WILL get this..

Matt, great post!.. you, too, Ann! Thank you both..

NS.. you know what my goal is today? I am rewriting my story. First I am going to use Matt's advice and write out all the s*** that polutes my mind, mostly in the wee hours of the night, but also in the day time. I'm going to write down every "mistake" I made while drinking.. especially in my last relationship. along with the ways I feel I've been "wronged", again, especially in my last relationship. Then I'm going to write down the story I've been telling myself about myself for so long. Somehow I want to make a ritual out of it.. maybe making some sort of a fire and burning it. Then I want to let it go.. and begin with my new story. Which actually already began months ago.. it's just that I keep holding on to the old. Thank you, Thank you for the tip.. I think the suggestions you made to Liz is also relevant to so many Newbies.. I wonder if it could be pasted and copied here or recreated..? I didn't dare to do it myself, but it struck a chord with me last night.

Lav, hope you're having a wonderful time with the little ones.. they're keeping you young, I guess!!:happy2:

My friend Andre is back.. after 2 weeks of not being around because he was caught once again in the throes of alcohol... I guess his money must have run out. I've seen him around a lot and had the chance a week or so ago to meet his case worker. He came by while we were sitting on a bench talking to see how Andre was doing and said he was worried because it seemed as if he was acclimating to life on the street rather than trying to find a way out. The case worker was going on vacation and I said he could call me when he's back.. I've agreed with myself to try and help him until the end of the summer break.. When school is back in session I'll have to stop.

Hugs and strength to everyone out there!! Never give up on yourself!! (I'm saying this to myself as much as to anyone else..:love
xx

[Londoner]

Re: Newbies Nest

[MENTION=21483]Matt M.[/MENTION]

I've taken your advice and started writing out a list of all the embarrassing/dangerous situations binge drinking has put me in, and a few negative long term effects such as health/finances.

So far I'm at 4 pages. It's amazing how these things stick with you. And I'm sure that the list will grow as I remember more things.

Thanks for the advice. The NHS does offer Antabuse, so I will see if I can bring it up in conversation with my GP next week.

I'm trying to break the part of my self-identity that involves getting stupidly drunk often.

[shanna]

Re: Newbies Nest

Hi everyone! Day 4, and I'm feeling better! But this is a dangerous time. The headache has subsided, I'm waking up feeling more refreshed, and my feelings of shame and guilt are slowly (and I mean slowly) fading...time to drink again!! That's what the evil one wants me to think. And I have given in to that evil alcohol many, many times. I just popped another antabuse, so I know I won't drink today, but I can't rely on it forever. Would I drink without it? I most surely would. This is why I need to learn how to live without alcohol, regardless of of the antabuse. But for now, it's giving me sober time to get my plan of attack in place.

If you're thinking about drinking today, go ahead and play out in your mind how your day will go - all the way until you wake up in the morning. Now, replay your day and morning WITHOUT the beast.....isn't it beautiful?

[paulywogg]

Re: Newbies Nest

Great job on 4 days Shanna,its a good day cuz the al has left your system by now