Newbies Nest

[Matt M.]

Re: Newbies Nest

[MENTION=19568]Londoner[/MENTION]
Good deal - and when that thought of drink creeps back, you'll immediately have that knowledge. Just knowing you created 4 pages worth is pretty damn good ammunition.

I know your not in the states, but I'd be willing to bet there are therapist/counselors that provide drug and alcohol counseling with financial assistance. Your GP may be able to assist you with this?
Counseling is not for everyone, for me the main reason I did it this time around was due to the fact that the thought of it made me very uncomfortable. I knew I would be forced to dredge up shit that was buried very deep. This was/is a vital link in my recovery chain.

Spiritual or not this is so true in my opinion, especially when confiding wth our physical and mental healthcare professionals/ GP's
Polonius: This above all: to thine own self be true, And it must follow, as the night the day, Thou canst not then be false to any man.

Stay Hard my friends!

[Byrdlady]

Re: Newbies Nest

Shanna, great job on Day 4. When you get to 7 you get a prize from your fellow nesters, so you don't want to miss that!
I contend that people around here fall into two camps when it comes to dealing with 'The Voice': The Pushers and the Players. I'm a pusher. When those thoughts pop in to my head, I PUSH them out. I don't give them any legs. This works for me. Then there are the Players....they are able to play out the scene to the end. My problem with Playing was that I couldn't get past the drinking to oblivion /consequences part, my old brain just latched on to the drink to oblivion aspect and off I went. I think the posture of the nest is evenly divided on this one, whatever works for YOU is the best way!

I couldn't log in yustaday either, felt funny missing a day! Hope everyone is having an easy Tooozdy. Byrdie

[NoSugar]

Re: Newbies Nest

Way to go, Shanna! Sounds like you know yourself and the tools you need - that's the key to all of this. I needed accountability to someone besides myself - a person I no longer trusted or cared much about. I found just the right people here :heart:

NS.. you know what my goal is today? I am rewriting my story. First I am going to use Matt's advice and write out all the s*** that polutes my mind, mostly in the wee hours of the night, but also in the day time. I'm going to write down every "mistake" I made while drinking.. especially in my last relationship. along with the ways I feel I've been "wronged", again, especially in my last relationship. Then I'm going to write down the story I've been telling myself about myself for so long. Somehow I want to make a ritual out of it.. maybe making some sort of a fire and burning it. Then I want to let it go.. and begin with my new story. Which actually already began months ago.. it's just that I keep holding on to the old. Thank you, Thank you for the tip.. I think the suggestions you made to Liz is also relevant to so many Newbies.. I wonder if it could be pasted and copied here or recreated..? I didn't dare to do it myself, but it struck a chord with me last night.

Here's a link to the start of that conversation:https://www.mywayout.org/community/g...ml#post1722333

I hope that is helping you, LC. I don't know if I could actually write my what has turned out to be my story. This has been a work in progress since I quit (with I guess some of it written on the pages of MWO).

I spent my first couple AF years pretty much thinking I was "fine" other than that little bitty addiction issue... I really wanted to chalk everything that had happened up to genetics and biochemistry (in other words, it wasn't my fault). And there is good evidence that a person has to be physiologically susceptible to addiction and once the addiction has set in, it pretty much takes over- but I now think there's a whole lot more involved than that. My "perfect life" story, which I truly believed, made it impossible for me to think I had any psychological or spiritual problems underlying the addiction. Compared to many, I have had an incredibly privileged and easy life. Nothing in my past that I could see offered an excuse for becoming addicted. (I sometimes wished that I had some big trauma to blame so that again, it wouldn't be my fault). But -- I finally started questioning the story I had made up about myself (always fine, always capable/perfect, never hurt or sad, large and in charge, never needing help, and on and on), and wondering how true it really was. And I finally saw the consequences of playing those false roles --- isolation and, in my case, addiction. It has been such a relief to stop pretending (usually! I'm still rewriting my story :smile.

[Lavande]

Re: Newbies Nest

Good evening Nesters,

We're back to just old people here once again because we took our granddaughter home, ha ha!
It is always nice to have one of the young ones here for a few days

Shanna, great job on your 4 AF days!
Keep moving forward, never look back

LC, I guess it's good that Andre has made an appearance but I sure do hope he begins to help himself. His future is in his hands, just like we have to be diligent of our own behavior.
It's true, the young ones help keep me young, I am grateful for them. Glad you are doing well!

Londoner, it sounds like the writing exercise is helpful for you, that's great!

Greetings to all & wishing everyone a safe night in the nest!

Lav

[wagmor]

Re: Newbies Nest

Shanna - glad to hear you're feeling better! Around Day 4 is when that starts to kick in, although there is so much "better" to be had as you keep going. You're right though - it can be a dangerous time, as your al brain will start to try to lure you back in with thoughts of how that wasn't so hard, see quitting is "easy" we could do that again if we wanted to... blah blah blah. It's all BS and lies. Good self-awareness around whether you'd drink without antabuse - its a tool, and it works, so use it! Stay on guard, make a plan, keep posting here - you've got this!

LC - love your idea of writing out your lists and story, then doing a ritual like burning it to leave it all behind. I've found great comfort and benefit in that type of process. I've done it a few times with writing letters - once to myself (the "old me") and once to an ex - I felt like it was very cathartic and symbolic. Even with this quit, I used fire as a ritual when I poured all my remaining drinks over the campfire to help put the fire out the last night of our camping trip. That was my goodbye to al and I haven't looked back. Go for it, and if you feel comfortable sharing even bits of your process, I'd love to hear how/whether it feels helpful for you. Glad to hear Andre is back as well although it sounds like he has been struggling (or what we on this side of a quit now see as struggling). Good idea to set a boundary or deadline for your assistance. I imagine when school starts up again your life will become full with resumed responsibilities and activities. It's also a good symbolic time point - the end of something and the start of something else. Hugs to you.

Londoner - sounds like the list idea is helping you as well, although I'm sure it's sobering, both literally and figuratively, to see all of those things in writing. I hope your talk with your GP goes well, and if antabuse is a useful tool for you that you're able to find it. Beyond that, keep checking in here. Strap yourself in with the best butt velcro available and continue your soul-searching process. Hugs to you as well.

Had a rough weekend here in Wagland. I am trying to grow my business in a new direction, and the good news is that it's working! I've got as many clients as I can handle at this stage, and while it's exhilarating and exciting to see some success and progress, it's also a LOT of work right now. I'm a private teacher/trainer who works one-on-one with students/clients, all adults, who need help preparing to pass very difficult exams related to their careers (usually in business, law and medicine). I have dabbled in this before, as it's something I'm innately good at, but I've only recently decided to actively grow this side of my biz. The upside is that it pays a far more livable hourly rate, and if I reach a point of carrying a full-time load (about 20 class hours per week) my financial stresses will drop significantly. The downside and the hard work right now is that I'm having to "learn" the content, strategies, structure, etc of each new exam that clients bring my way. So in reality, I'm doing hours of prep for every hour of class. This will quickly diminish - it's an up-front investment in my own education - but right now it's time-consuming and also mentally tiring.

On top of that, my partner and I had a rough weekend relationship-wise, and some of the "problems" are related to how I've changed since I stopped drinking. We had lots of tears, some hard conversations, and a few hours of uncomfortable silence/distance. It will all be fine, but it was a difficult 3 days and I'm hoping we'll have a smooth patch going forward. One good thing is we have resolved to seek help (counselor maybe, or book/workbook) to help us do a few things differently related to how we communicate - I am hopeful that this will help us moving forward.


Thanks for listening. Hope everyone has a fantastic MAE!

[Pavati]

Re: Newbies Nest

(I wrote this this morning but then I got kicked out of MWO. Lucky for me, I saved it!)

Hi,

Here are my two cents...

When I quit drinking I was talking with a friend - "I realized I have social anxiety and drank to fit in. I was hiding some things from my past. I was insecure. Depressed. ETC." He said - "Pav, that's why we ALL drink." Then I had to say - ok, other people have the crap I do and THEY don't drink until the bottle's gone. What else do I need to do? Even if I ever discovered the "why," what would it have done for me?

I vowed to be honest to myself, my therapist and my husband. Thanks to therapy, I came out of the self hate (for allowing myself to get into this situation), talked about things that I was holding on to from my past, and realized that for WHATEVER reason, I was more vulnerable to alcohol than others. That was enough to know. I also came out with a FIRM knowledge that I was not a "healthy," "normal" drinker who could learn to contain my excess.

The next step - the most important in my book - was acceptance. Facing myself and how I was as a drinker finally allowed me to accept the fact that I can't drink. Like my friend who is allergic to peanuts has to stay away, I have to stay away. Once I accepted that, alcohol was off the table as a choice when I was feeling socially awkward, depressed or even up for some fun. Was it easy? No. I had to use all of the tools to retrain my brain. But each and every time, even if I thought about booze, I said to myself, "YOU DON'T DRINK." If I need, I can easily conjure horrifying experiences I had while drinking to reinforce that sentiment. I was angry, sad, depressed - all of those things, but underneath it all, I had accepted that alcohol was off the table, and I was honest for the first time ever about the harm that alcohol was bringing to my life. No matter what that alcohol voice tried to tell me about moderation and "just one," I was firm in my belief that drinking was no longer an option for me if I wanted to live the life I have with my husband, kids, family and job.

I see antabuse as a tool for some people. Therapy, exercise, a sober community, the Bubble Hour podcast, blogs, memoirs, friends - those things were tools for me. But all of those tools wouldn't have worked if underneath it all I was mentally manipulating the reality of the situation to open the door for drinking in the future. THAT was what I had to get out of my head. I DON'T DRINK.

This has brought so much freedom for me. Sometimes I take it five minutes at a time, and other times I don't think about drinking for weeks on end. I am not trying to say this has been a walk in the park, either.

Londoner - I know it is expensive, but if you could see a therapist or counselor (here in the US there are many who will do it on a sliding scale which mine did), I HIGHLY recommend it. I am looking forward to hearing more about your success.

Way to go, Shana. Keep it up!

Happy Tuesday, Nest.

Pav

[paulywogg]

Re: Newbies Nest

Shanna, great job on Day 4. When you get to 7 you get a prize from your fellow nesters, so you don't want to miss that!
I contend that people around here fall into two camps when it comes to dealing with 'The Voice': The Pushers and the Players. I'm a pusher. When those thoughts pop in to my head, I PUSH them out. I don't give them any legs. This works for me. Then there are the Players....they are able to play out the scene to the end. My problem with Playing was that I couldn't get past the drinking to oblivion /consequences part, my old brain just latched on to the drink to oblivion aspect and off I went. I think the posture of the nest is evenly divided on this one, whatever works for YOU is the best way!

I couldn't log in yustaday either, felt funny missing a day! Hope everyone is having an easy Tooozdy. Byrdie

This resonates with me,if I squash the thought ASAP I'm ok,playing it through works sometimes however knowing I'll feel horrible, won't be able to stop,etc isn't enough cuz there's that"I'm gonna get drunk yippie!" Thought that takes over and I can't get passed that thought when I try and play it out,I guess it just depends on the person and how your mind thinks,I'll be triggered by the weirdest things,stuff that makes no sense,I think I was triggered this last time by my quit buddy at work who had gone to a concert the night before and came to work drunk still,I wanted to be drunk,hell I even googled which beer causes the least hangover! Why? after going through such a hard time when my brother passed I kept it together, dad's diagnosis I kept it together, daily stress kept it together, then all of a sudden bam! My friend going to a Keith Sweat concert broke me,I wasn't even there! I hate how my mind works,grrrr

[paulywogg]

Re: Newbies Nest

Pav,that was a great post,I dunno what's bugging me, I don't feel depressed, I'm not socially awkward, I've had traumas as a child and through my life but I feel like I've dealt with them,I love being a sober person....90% of the time then there's that ugly 10% that likes to drink,how do I kill that 10%? Its a question I've been asking myself for too many years,wishing everyone a positive AF day

[Byrdlady]

Re: Newbies Nest

Pav,
What a substantial post....would you consider tucking that in the Tool Box? It hits all the notes when it comes to the ACCEPTANCE part of all this. Beautifully written, too.

My hubs was out of town on Monday so I got free reign of the tv. Don't ask me why, but I watched a couple episodes of Intervention. Yikes! My hubs had told me that he had considered doing that to help me. Like the people on TV, I'm sure I wouldn't have appreciated it at the time....but my life was spinning out of control. Getting, drinking and recovering from AL was my world. Instead, my poor hubs packed his bags and left. He didn't know how to help me so he just wanted out. It made me take a hard look in the mirror. Two choices. Live or Drink. I have that same choice today, and so do you. Like Pav and NS so eloquently said, there is no putting this Genie back in the bottle. For all of us here on this forum, AL has crossed over in to addiction. No amount of will power or keeping track of drinks is going to change that. How do we know when we are an alcoholic? When we join forums for problem drinking, but mostly, when we make rules for AL and find we can't abide by them. I fought abstaining as much as the next person, but I'm here to say that nothing else works. For me, there was NO LIVING with AL. Do yourself a favor....LET IT GO. You will see that it isn't worth all we put ourselves through to keep it in our lives. Drinking is a privilege? BullSpit, it's a sentence. 2394 days AF and any one of those days was better than any day I 'got to' drink. Commit. Be accountable. Connect. Do whatever it takes to get, and STAY, sober. Byrdie

[Guitarista]

Re: Newbies Nest

Wags, i reckon it's all about intention

If intentions are good, and if well meaning intention is there between you and hubs in the big picture, then it's worth communicating and sorting out (say's the single fella from Oz).

Big waves to all.

[Pavati]

Re: Newbies Nest

As Robin Williams said, as an alcoholic "You are violating your standards faster than you can lower them."

Happy Hump Day.

Pav

[paulywogg]

Re: Newbies Nest

Too true Pav,Byrdie I wasn't trying to make it seem like drinking is a privilege or a treat,I know how awful it is and the consequences of it,that its a poisonous killer! Its just those "fugue state" moments where I just can't think straight that it seems like a good idea.

[Lavande]

Re: Newbies Nest

Good evening Nesters,

We're still having a bit of decent weather around here so I am grateful

Great to see everyone checking in on this Hump day. I actually got a bit of work done myself today, ha ha!
Taking the day tomorrow to go visit one of our national wildlife refuges, why not?

Wishing everyone a safe night in the nest!

Lav

[empyr3al]

Re: Newbies Nest

I have 30 windows and is confusing, what I need to pay attention too. I actually care about you all too because you help me. I try my best to help others. I think that is our motto.

[empyr3al]

Re: Newbies Nest

I will leave this as I will love no matter what you did. Just be honest.