Newbies Nest

[Guitarista]

Re: Newbies Nest

I'm thinking of Lil Bit too Byrdy. An amazing woman who i am learning much from. If she can be grateful in the face of death, what the hell am i worried about. For me, better to have loved than not to have loved before, and i've still got years left on the planet to experience love, loss, sorrow, joy. I don't have only a few weeks left! Lil bit is an extraordinary person. :heartbeat:

Thanks Pav! :heartbeat:

Kensho! You're a huge star and one of my heroes 'round this joint. If i drink only a few, once in a week, it still throws my inner peace and self confidence/happiness and messes with my inner chemistry too. So, i'm better without even a glass or 2 a week, or a night. A small amount of AL still has a negative effect for me, even if i don't go crazy. (but i'll sure get back to crazy soon enough, so noooo deal). Have one of these little beauties - :heartbeat:

L8tr g8trs.

[Lavande]

Re: Newbies Nest

Good evening Nesters,

I hope everyone had a good Hump day

Ava, you are turning into the nurse extraordinaire
I hope your son continues on his AF path, better to get a handle on it now while he's still young, right?
Happy beanie knitting!!!

Kensho, always good to see you. It sounds like you are on the verge of making a decision - moderate drinking VS AF.
I think we all know & accept that AL will never be a long term solution to any of our problems. I guess you need to ask yourself what you really want? What seems like a harmless amount of AL now could easily escalate into a big problem over the course of time. I feel safer without any AL & leaning on my sober tools for support. That's something we all need to decide for ourselves.

Pav, glad your mood & your day improved

Byrdie, I read Lil's update too, so sad. I wish her a peaceful transition into the next world :hug:

G, I have to agree with you - what do any of us really have to complain about?? Our problems seem to be so small & insignificant compared to what Lil is going through.
We are all blessed to be OK & moving forward in our lives, right?

LC, sorry Andre has disappeared. What do you suppose he is afraid of?
I hope he shows up in time to claim his place.

Hello to the rest of the crowd & wishing everyone a safe night in the nest!

Lav

[Marylou123]

Re: Newbies Nest

i think enough of myself now to know i am worthy of being loved

Ava - that is so, so important and wonderful. And I can say ditto, fortunately. It's a gift sobriety has brought. I know when I was drinking I didn't even like myself very much. I had friends and was respected and liked at work, but I (and those close to me) knew the real me - a drunk. How could I possibly be worthy of love when, most of the time, I was in no condition to give it? And the never ending cycle of drinking, pass out, hangover just reinforced that stinking thinking. I am so grateful those days are over! Knit on Beanie Beauty!

LC - Thank you for the update on Andre. I think you have been amazing reaching out and, for me, a go-to example of being of service and extending love to our brothers. I too hope he is found and finds his way.

Kensho - welcome back. Your post is insightful (as usual). I say knock the "should ofs" to the curb cuz that bell's been rung. (How many more metaphors could I mix in there?) Take the lessons learned and more forward. I had a small marketing business for several years with two partners. Shortly before we shuttered the agency in 2009, we resigned our last remaining client. Solely because the client was an abusive ass. It truly got to the point that our lives would be far better with zero interaction with this company. Even it it meant we would go out of business. The freedom we all felt when we executed that contract out clause far surpassed all that fears we had about doing it. Like quitting booze, I wish I had done that way sooner. You know what's best for your best life. Also, for me, as the days AF pile up, I'm finding more humor in everyday situations and conversations.

Hello to Wags, Londoner, Byrdie, Pav, Gman, Lav, Roobs, NS and Nesters I may have missed.

To to all the guests who might be checking this forum out - please join us.
Hugs - ML

[Roobs]

Re: Newbies Nest

Hello nesters,

@Byrdie, [MENTION=20476]KENSHO[/MENTION]

QUOTE][/There are various stages of alcoholism, you can be stage 1 or stage 4, but you are still in the team photo. The difference is when you decide to arrest the progression of the disease. I LOVE THIS.

Kensho, you are exactly where I had been for the last 2 years. I finally had several months af and then I started to "experiment" it started off on a family vacation. I drank moderately and with superb self control. I was so pleased with myself but when I look back on it it took an enormous effort and brain power to pace myself. I obsessed about it, I wasn't enjoying the moment because I was so preoccupied with controlling it. When we returned from vacation, I got right back to being AF or so I thought, I would have a couple of drinks once a month. I would track it on the calendar. That once of month turned into more of a binge , that binge gave way to 2-3 times a month, still not bad but definitely more than I had set out to do. Eventually I was drinking more and more. I managed to maintain some self righteous control but what really snapped in my head was when I got back to a case of the "f-its" I'm going for it. Going for of course meant going for the bottle. I was at a dinner with friends, thinking how could I get to that bottle on the other end of the table without anyone noticing how quickly I was drinking and how large my pours were. I knew what I was doing in that moment and I couldn't wait to get home to have a real glass of wine. I guess my point is I was "still in the team picture" I hadn't fully committed, I hadn't taken it off the table. Now that Al was no longer an option, it has freed up so much of my brain space, I don't have to strategize on how I'm going to get to the bottle at the other end of the table. No doubt, it hasn't always been easy but like the old timers here say, it's so worth it, it freeing, it's just so much better!

Hello to everyone in the nest, I'm always inspired by your shared journeys!

Roobs

[lifechange]

Re: Newbies Nest

Morning Nesters,
just an early check in on my way to work.. busy, busy day today and I'm a bit stressed! But it will be over in a short 8 hours and then I can check in with you lovely people again.. also loved that line, Byrdie, about being a part of the team picture. Here we are..

Good to see you, Kensho!
xx

[Pavati]

Re: Newbies Nest

Hi, all:

Such wisdom you've received already, Kensho! I am glad to see you back. As NS says, alcohol becomes a problem not in the quantities you drink, but in the way it affects your life. If you're not being the full you with alcohol in your life, it is a problem... (I am so convinced of this, that I actually think no one should drink anything, but I know that's not going to happen, so I usually keep that thought to myself.) As for being serious when sober... I get that - it took me a while to be able to cut loose, relax and be full-out silly without alcohol. Lowering inhibitions is one of the things it does best. But, and I am NOT lying, I am able to do that now. Last night I was stressed so I did a quick 25 minute yoga practice. Released my stress, strengthened my arms, slept well, etc - no alcohol. The other night I went to a concert, danced, got silly with the drinkers, and then drove home, safe and sound, to a great nights sleep. It did take some practice, but life IS fun, light, silly without alcohol as well. I think Roobs nailed it for me - the freedom from not having to think about alcohol all of the time cleared up so much brain space. The moderation nights got to the point where I was counting and timing my drinks. How boring is that? Anyway - we're here for you to vent and ponder. I like hearing from you...

I have to run to work, all. Happy Thursday - this week is going fast!

Pav

[moonking]

Re: Newbies Nest

Hello all -

Quick check in from me. I've skimmed over all your posts, but in all honestly reading on my phone/computer kind of makes me dizzy, which increases morning sickness so I haven't been as present reading everything as I should be. (It also makes work, where I'm on the computer for 8 hours a day, super fun.) I'm sorry, I promise in the next 5-7 weeks I'll be a better participant. But from what I did skim, you all are doing wonderfully and have such positive outlooks. I love it. I love this community. You all are such wonderful people. Keep fighting the good fight.

Fall is finally upon us here! Still warmer than normal (70s) but glad the humidity and 90s seem to be behind us. My husband and I had a great talk the other night. It's around this time my anxiety ramps up because the holidays are approaching and I absolutely hate the holidays. They are filled with rushing around and guilt trips for not spending enough time with family. I cannot express my disdain for November and December enough. I was freaking out because of these two new dogs (who we don't even have yet) and how we were going to make the 1.5 hour trips to our families with or without dogs and a toddler and being pregnant and I was shaking by this point on the couch, clutching my bottle of Gatorade and seriously wishing it was a bottle of whiskey. But, with the help of my amazing husband, I came to a few realizations. Most important, I cannot live my life to please my extended family. I have my own family now and whether I spent 12 hours or 4 hours with family I never felt like I had "done my duty as daughter." This is ridiculous. I need to stop ignoring my own needs to please 8 other people (two of which - mom and dad - can't even act adult enough to be in the same room together.) This of course, leads me to drink enormous amounts, which always lead me to do/say something stupid, in which I would have more guilt waking up the next day. Holidays sober? I think will be much better.

I've been thinking about the new doggies and just beside myself at how we are going to have enough time for everything. I then suddenly realized that I have had an obscene amount of free time since I stopped drinking. No longer are weekends spent nursing hangovers and taking long naps and trying to fit everything else in when I finally feel better. Since feeling like crap from morning sickness I've been taking it easy...but when you're not tied down even at night with a drink in your hand it's amazing how much can be done. I didn't realize how lazy alcohol had made me. I still catch myself thinking about drinking after baby is born...but also am getting so much better at putting it out of my mind instead of longing for the fact I'll never drink again.

Day 33.

[wagmor]

Re: Newbies Nest

Kensho - glad to have you back, although sorry to hear of your recent struggles. I think we can probably all relate to at least some extent, because there are some aspects to this disease that are common to almost all. i really understand reaching a point where you want a break from working so hard, and not just "work" work - all of the interpersonal stuff you mentioned as well. And al sure does look like it provides that break, that respite. I think that is a trick though.

In my experience, when I break a quit, the first few times I drink I have this "look at me - I'm doing it! I'm drinking normally like the media always portrays it!" sensation. And I feel like THAT is what I want - that ability to moderate and drink socially but then turn off the switch. And sometimes I'm able to maintain that type of drinking for a few events or even a few weeks, but then my chemistry/personality/etc kick in (because of course they are always going to), and my drinking slowly or quickly shifts toward unhealthy patterns, and when everyone else stops, I'm trying to sneak in extra while they aren't looking, or similar destructive behaviors.

So I guess for me at least, the type of drinking that I would LIKE to be able to participate in is merely a mirage - an elusive dream that I'm just not built for, or that actually doesn't even exist (probably a bit of both).

I wish you clarity and strength as you sift through all of your thoughts and feelings. This is a tough row to hoe, there's no two ways about that. I think you hit the nail on the head though - you probably need to "figure these things out without alcohol." We're here to help however we can - at least you don't have to figure it all out by yourself :heartbeat:

[Byrdlady]

Re: Newbies Nest

Good evening, nesters.
Long day, glad tomorrow is Friday, but still mo ticket to BoozeVille. Hope everyone has an easy evening. Byrdie

[Guitarista]

Re: Newbies Nest

Evening Byrdy. Hope your evening is a relaxing and rechargeable one. Roll on the weekend where i hope you aren't working.

Roll up, roll up! Get your tickets here! No no......no tickets to boozeville, no siree. Instead, here are free tickets to treasure island. Yes, that treasure inside of you where strength, wisdom, joy, love, resilience live. I'll take one for this weekend thank you umpire.

Gr8 work on 33 days Kingy! how are you doing there Kensho? big waves to everyone.

My thoughts earlier today -
Emotional warrior! That's the approach i am taking from today. I am looking my emotions right in the face up close, analysing them and pulling them apart with compassion and no judgement. With the help of antabuse, this is my approach from now and through next week when i will be seeing this woman for the first time since we split. I'll have to deal with this without the option of booze. I'm ready, and reckon i'll be fine. I'm already getting my head around it all, with an attitude of gratefulness, love, and letting the universe take care of things, and me. That is all.

[Roobs]

Re: Newbies Nest

Great attitude Gman.. you got this!

[Lavande]

Re: Newbies Nest

Good evening Nesters,

I'll be quick here (for a change), ha ha!!
I usually don't pick up germs from other people BUT apparently the cold germs left here on Sunday by my daughter & her family found me, yuck.
I guess it was my turn or some such thing

Glad to see you all & wishing everyone a safe night in the nest!

Lav

[KENSHO]

Re: Newbies Nest

Gosh, you all are wise. Thank you for the insight. G, that's just what I needed to hear; and you too Wagmore & Pav and everyone - Marylou, Roobs... I have things to say, but I'm tired and I will just say that I feel relieved to be sipping on tea. I have "that" chemistry Wags - it just has taken awhile to kick in after an 8 month stop. I looked up the "stages" of alcoholism and I do or did many of the things listed. Pav, I think you are right that it isn't the quantity, it's how it affects me. The problem with the "escape" thing is that it gives me permission to check out of more than just inhibition, and everything begins to slide to a place I'm not proud of. It's so funny; early spring I remember posting that I noticed that even though I had never been able to smile genuinely in photograph, my smile started coming out in photos, effortlessly. After drinking some through the summer, that is lost. I'm not unhappy per se, but my mojo is off, and that authenticity and confidence is harder to find. I also feel like I grew up and learned SO much during that 8 months. And while those things aren't entirely lost, which is nice, they are harder to maintain - such as boundaries. Not drinking forces me to listen to myself and I am better able to communicate my needs and deal with conflict in a calm and effective way. Anyway, have a good night all you smart people. I appreciate you.

PS - Ava you're like a poster child for what happens when you stop drinking. I don't know you that well, but you're like a totally different person. With changing jobs, finding love and now eating healthier... yea!

[lifechange]

Re: Newbies Nest

Morning Nesters,

yes, Kensho.. very wise people here and it's great to read all the responses to your previous post. I've got the same thing as all of you and for me it also isn't the quantity (at least not at first) but the effect it has on me. I can relate to everything you said with regards to happiness and confidence and having an open smile.. for me one of the biggies is being able to look others straight in the eye. I can't do that when I'm drinking.. So good to have you back!

Pav, I was thinking a bit about the comment my daughter made with regards to Andre.. and I realised that although they surely notice a difference in me when I'm drinking, they've never seen someone in his situation.. who has lost everything, who wants to make a change but can't/doesn't. They have also been involved directly with him these past months and they are trying to wrap their heads around the fact that he would stay out on the streets drinking rather than move into a room.. they can't imagine that someone might be so afraid of change/facing themselves.. I think that in my alcoholism, I was the main one to suffer up to the point where I stopped.. I disappointed the girls at times, but most parents do regardless of whether or not they drink too much, so I don't think they added it up. They definitely see a difference in me when I'm a sober mom and I know life is a lot better for them.. but they can't in any way understand how I suffered, knowing what I was "doing" to them and to myself.. Anyway, I guess seeing him is putting it all in a different light. To see that the "bumb" on the street is/was/can also be a very intelligent, funny, sweet person with a lot to offer if (s)he could get themselves straight.. and to see clearly that alcohol (in this case) is what got him there and what keeps him prisoner.

G-Man, you've got this! I'm glad you're taking the Antabuse to help keep your mind straight.. smart move, I think.

Lav, I hope you feel better soon!:hug:

My main co-worker is sick as a dog and this week has been crazy stressful and busy for me.. but I have to say, it's been manageable. I'm just taking each task as it comes, not worrying about the next until it's time. My mind has been clear, I've been able to deal with people face to face, not afraid of confrontation. When I need a small break I take it and enjoy it. I love my AF life. I love not being in chains. Never going back again!!

Congrats, Moonking on 33 days! Well done..

Hi to Byrdie, Wags, Roobs, Marylou!!
see you all in a bit.
xx

[Byrdlady]

Re: Newbies Nest

LifeChange, what an inspiring post. I must say that the quantity of AL wasn't really a problem with me either....until it was. I went for a long time just like so many here, trying to keep it at bay. Over time it just unraveled, the more I tried to sneak it, the more precious it became and the more obsessed I got. I guess that is the very nature of addiction, so no revelation there. It really IS sad to think that Andre has all that potential but is afraid to break out of the walls of 'comfort'. It does take courage to face all the demons head on and over these past 7 or 8 years here on MWO, I notice that not everyone has that courage. Everyone has the ABILITY, however. I'm afriad I can identify more with Andre than I would care to....I was just beginning to lose things that mattered, but I still found myself clinging to AL because 'it was my escape hatch'. Even my own health was suffering...it finally got down to wanting to take the thing I held most dear....my husband. I was just NOT willing to lose him. My heart goes out to Andre that he doesn't have MWO or daily support like we do. This resource is a very powerful tool. Only an alcoholic can help an alcoholic, I think. Even after all this time, I am still here....because I still have too much to lose by getting complacent. This thing is always rumbling in the background, I will never be normal as far as THIS is concerned. Support is key, and still is.
Please give him our best, does he know about us?
Hope everyone has a wonderful weekend, I have a bridal shower on Sunday, OY. Hugs to all, Byrdie