Newbies Nest

[Marylou123]

Re: Newbies Nest

Hi Nesters - quick fly by before I head to a 12-week study I’m taking on battling inner “demons” - this is week four and I’m loving it.

LC - great news about Andre! Colds are the worse - take care!

Wags - a close friend of mine died from a brain tumor many years ago. I was worried about the same thing. The best advice I can offer is to just be yourself - she will appreciate and love you like she always has.

Welcome Bridgette - so glad you’re here.

Love and hugs to all.

ML

[Brigitte.E]

Re: Newbies Nest

Wagmor:

What a heart breaking situation, my heart goes out to you. Firstly, I'm glad that she is in a hospice and they are doing their best to ensure that she is comfortable and remains as dignified as possible at this point in time. I work in healthcare and I have a few things that may help, however the experience is very much an individual process and you can only do what your soul feels comfortable with.

It has been my job to assist people throughout their last days and it can be both a peaceful and traumatic time for both the patient and those around them. In your case, the overwhelming sadness of her age and the aggressive progression of the disease will make it harder for people to come to terms with the situation in the time they have but just do your best to support one another.

-Firstly, maintain her dignity. Talk to her like a human, like you always have. Tell the jokes you once shared, the memories you hold dear and let her hear your voice in its normal and soothing tone that she knows. Ensure that she looks presentable (if it doesn't bother her), get the sleep out of her eyes and make sure she has her favourite perfume on.
-Try not to fuss over her too much, ask if she is comfortable, fluff her pillows if she wants you too but then leave her be, don't do it over and over again. Family and friends always want to do something, anything they can to help, but sometimes it results in the person being reminded that they are a patient, instead of enjoying the time they have with their loved ones.
-Find a way to spoil her!!! The beauty of a hospice is usually that the rules are much more relaxed than a typical hospital. Paint her nails, braid her hair, take her out into the garden to feel the sunshine on her face is she's up to it. If she's still up to eating, bring in her favourite take out (we all know how depressive hospital food can be!!)
-Ask her, honestly, how she is. Hold her hand, sit on the edge of her bed and tell her that she is safe. Ask her if she is frightened or in pain. She may not be up to this conversation, but if the opportunity arrises take it. You will find a way to reassure her even if the words don't come to mind right now.
-Its ok to be silent. You can tell her to rest, knowing that you are simply there, watching over her and radiating all the positive energy and love that you have in her direction.
-Find some inspirational cards; Angel Cards in particular are my favourite. I have a set by Doreen Virtue and they have a beautiful, positive message no matter what you pull. If you can't find anything to say, let the cards speak for you. You can get her to choose one and then go from there.

Lastly, don't be afraid if she isn't exactly the person you remember. The difficulty with many kinds of neurological diseases are that people suffer behavioural, emotional and physical manifestations that are acutely unlike that person. Look for the person you know, not the disease at hand.

I hope some of these points help. As I said, this is a very individual process so please only do what you feel comfortable with. Trust your soul, you have kindness and understanding within you that will find a way of expressing what you want to say even if it doesn't seem clear at the moment.

Sending you all the best,

-B

[Brigitte.E]

Re: Newbies Nest

A massive thank you for all the warm welcomes. I probably should have started here prior to getting into the novel of advice I decided to share above.

I'm so happy to see that this is a positive, safe and encouraging space. I have no doubt in my mind that this will be yet another tool I can utilise to ensure that my sobriety remains intact.

I will endeavour to check in on a daily basis, however I work awful hours and sometimes I must admit that I may miss a day or two here; pumped out 65 hours over the last 5 days....no rest for the wicked as they say, haha

Sending you all strength and positivity for the days ahead,

-B

[Byrdlady]

Re: Newbies Nest

Mr G, Im glad you lived to tell about the close encounter. Im sorry you had to endure that, but it sounds as if you sailed thru it with head held high. You are a class act. WE love you! Why, If I were 3 years younger, not happily married and lived about 3000 miles closer, you couldnt get rid of me! Ehehehe....
LC, so happy to hear Andre got his room! Gosh I hope he can get his life on track, Thank you for that good news.
Wags, I was going to suggest googling ‘what to say to a dying person’ but Brigitte did such a beautiful job of outlining it, who needs to google?! Please let me also welcome you aboard, Brigitte! I found sobriety right here in this nest, so you are in a wonderful spot! The link to the Tool Box is in my signature line below, its full of great tips and tricks to help you. I gotta say, you are thru the worst part.....you now know you CAN do this! We are here to support you so you can continue! So glad you are here!
A long day of cold calling today, I got hung up on twice, I just hate that. I had all the fun I could stand today! Bah!
Hope everyone has an easy evening! Byrdie

[Lavande]

Re: Newbies Nest

Good evening Nesters,

Wow, great to see so many folks checking in today

Hello & welcome Brigette, so glad you found the nest! Please settle in & stay as long as you like. Terrific on your 18 AF day, great start!
I'm pretty sure that I am the longest nest dweller ever so you can see no one ever gets pushed out.

Wags, going to see your cousin is a wonderful thing. Having familiar & loving faces nearby will be comforting for her.
Brigette gave you wonderful advice, just be yourself & play it by ear until you see how she is at that moment. Wishing you strength :hug:

G, no one thinks anything of you except that you are a very kind & loving person. I understand keeping the door cracked open a bit but be sure to keep your focus forward, OK?

Ava, I hope the job is yours if that is truly what you want. Anyone would be lucky to have you on their team!

LC, I am almost over my cold - it had me down for 3 days, geez. Hope you are feeling 100% very soon. Good news about Andre.

Hello to Pav, ML, Pauly, Byrdie & everyone.
Wishing everyone a safe night in the nest!

Lav

[Roobs]

Re: Newbies Nest

That was beautiful advise Bridgette and welcome!

Wags, I think your loving intuition will steer you in the right direction.

Hope you feel better LC?

Gman you totally adulted that situation. I'm impressed.

Gnight all, Roobs

[wagmor]

Re: Newbies Nest

Thanks everyone for your support, your advice, and your kind words about my intuition. I will definitely let my heart and my cousin guide me. I appreciate what you all have shared, whether from your own experience or in response of general support.

Brigette, what great timing that you just found the site and were here today to offer such extensive suggestions from your professional experience - I really appreciate it! It's such a shock, and I'm still processing it myself. One big thing I learned from the year of taking care of my mom was that when it came close to time for her to pass, she was ready and it was far harder on those of us left behind.

One big thing I'm taking from my cousin's sad turn of events is to truly take at least a moment every day to appreciate it. I know that sounds cliche, but I've really been pausing to be grateful for very simple things and not take days for granted. If I hadn't stopped drinking 438 days ago, I think this experience now would have done the trick. I don't ever want to waste another single day with al.

G - glad the day crossing paths with your ex went as well as could be expected. I won't try to advise you how else to proceed other than to be true to yourself and take care of your heart!

Roobs - that's fantastic the woman you invited to the painting/drinking event already mentioned she doesn't drink. Hooray for both of you finding solidarity together! I'm sure she'll be relieved in return to find out you don't drink either.

LC - so glad to hear Andre got the room and will get additional help. Now let's hope you feel better soon!

Byrdie - that sucks you had folks hang up on you. Cold calling is about the worst if you ask me. I wish you a better day tomorrow.

Waves and hugs to all. :heartbeat:

[Brigitte.E]

Re: Newbies Nest

Divine intervention plays a part in our lives more than we give it credit for sometimes. Knowing that you may find some solace in my advice warms my heart. Those left behind are usually yet to morn, its very difficult to accept the finality of the situation, but as always, we continue putting one foot in front of the other and we find a way.

Life is ever changing. I once, like you, found grounding in the experiences I came across with my work, however somewhere along the way it started to become suffocating and I felt a need to try and block it out by any means possible. I have changed my perspective and I choose to feel the emotions that come out of such sadness in a safe space these days (whether it be during therapy sessions, private journaling or conversations with family and friends). Sometimes the most difficult of emotions are the most important for us to understand. We cannot know the most beautiful of moments without a stark comparison.
Just ensure that you take time for yourself amongst this too. I think that’s where I went wrong; you can’t pour from an empty cup.

You will be in my thoughts, thank you for your kind words.

[Pavati]

Re: Newbies Nest

Hi, Nest:

Great words of advice, Brigitte. That "be yourself" one strikes me as important. My mother-in-law liked to spend time planning her memorial party, down to what type of food she wanted served. At first it made me uncomfortable - admitting that such an event would even happen - but ultimately it is an amazing memory that I have, and we served all the food she wanted. She loved cooking and food and really enjoyed doing that. Glad you can be there sober, Wags.

G - I feel you! I know that door slightly ajar feeling. Of course I think that can prolong the pain, but there's always the possibility she'll stick a toe in. You know yourself, and you know healthy boundaries. Just make sure you get on with your life when necessary!

LC great about Andre.

I'm late for work so I'm off. Great to see you all check in.

Pav

[available]

Re: Newbies Nest

Morning nesters

Well my baby (24) had to have emergency surgery last night and of course he is 3 hours away and i could not be there. he is fine, well so the nurse said but she is NOT his mother! he was visiting his brother and my mum so lucky mum was there to take him to hospital. He said to me he felt better when he drank, i told him no he didnt and it was something that just happened and nothing to do with that. work has been a nightmare doing 2 jobs and im done for this week. Will leave work early and go and get my baby, thank god for the other half who will drive me there and back. No news about the job, it is in the same department where i work now but the hours and pay are better and the job more challenging. hopefully i will find something out today. Stress levels at 100 but no urge for a drink, the joy of distance away from al is amazing.

Welcome Brigitte and great work on your days. keep posting, there is always someone around the nest.

Wags, when Robert was dying i was heartbroken but walked in everyday with a smile on my face and an ear to listen. i always asked if he wanted a coffee or anything and walked in bearing whatever he so desired for that moment. there is nothing we can say or do that makes much difference, we can just be there for them. it will be Roberts birthday tomorrow and 2 years in December since he died, i have such happy memories and i know that everything i did in his final months was right. You will know to just be yourself and be there for her and not her illness.

G, glad work was ok for you and you got through your emotions without al as a crutch. We all experience firsts sober and it builds stronger sober muscles for the next first that comes along.

LC is it so good to hear about Andre and him getting help, you have done more for him than you will ever realise by being there and showing him how it is done. Mads is doing pretty well, she has had a few pain days but still being her adorable self. i try not to go there too much with her cancer.

Well off i go to get ready for work, starting early in the hope i get my shit together and get up to date at least by the time i walk out at lunch time.

take care x

[abcowboy]

Howdy ho y’all! I wanted to stop by and share a special day to me. I just got off the phone with my Uncle who has been my mentor and friend these past 4 years. I congratulated him on 55 years of sobriety today!! You know what he said to me, “I did it the same way as you’re doing it, one day at a time.”

[Byrdlady]

Re: Newbies Nest

Cowboy, wow, 55 years! That is amazing!
I just got a PM from Nursie that she has 11 months sober! So I waa thrilled to hear that!
Another long day, looking forward to the weekend, I think Ill bake a cake. Hugs to all, Byrdie

[Lavande]

Re: Newbies Nest

Good evening Nesters,

Wow, abcowboy - 55 years, what an amazing day for your uncle & for you
It's good to know that it can be done, just like you said!

Ava, geez I hope your son is OK. It's tough when our kids are hurting :hug:
I hope your weekend gives you some peace.

Wishing everyone a safe night in the nest!

Lav

[Guitarista]

Re: Newbies Nest

Thanks heaps everyone for your supportive and encouraging words. You all actually listen and don't just pay lip service. You are precious people and this a special place as we know. I appreciate it and my spirits have been lifted. No need to mention this woman again as we probably won't be crossing paths for another month or so, and by then i should be a little more indifferent. Byrdy! lol. love ya!

Ava, thinking of you and your young bloke. Hope he's ok.

Big waves to all.

Now nesters, it's friday see. But fridays aint no ticket to no freakin boozeville you savvy? Have a great weekend and git some self lovin' in today.

[lifechange]

Re: Newbies Nest

Hi Nesters!

Ava, I'm so sorry to hear about the emergency surgery.. I sure hope your son will be back on his feet soon and thank goodness you can get over to be with him.. You're other half sure seems be supportive. Nice to have a relationship where there's give and take! As you've mentioned before, this is only possible when one has a certain level of self love/worth.. I'm very happy for you on that front.

I'm still feeling like crap and though I had to be there the past two days, today I decided to stay home from work. I haven't had a cold like this in ages and it reminds me a lot of times when I was drinking.. I don't want to go out, or talk to friends, I have such a bad head ache and I feel isolated. I woke up in the middle of the night and thought, again, Thank God I don't drink any more!!! Thank god this will go away in a couple of days on its own and I don't have to go through the hell of getting another day 1, 2, 3 and 4 to start to feel better. I DON't have to deal with guilt or remorse or have to apologize to anyone about being a jerk. Now, in hindsight, it all seems like hell. It was terrible, being so out of control of myself/my life.. being ruled by alcohol. I'm like most people (if not everyone) here and I KNOW I only have control over not taking that first drink. After that it's all bets off. I know what will happen, if not directly, then soon after!
Last week at work we served a homemade Elderflower Prosecco we'd made in early Summer.. the girls all had a glass as we were preparing it and as they offered me one, I said, laughing, "NO WAY!!".. for me at the moment, I'm treating it as something I'm highly allergic to.. which I am! Byrdie, it's like your peanut analogy.. and I that's how I've been portraying what alcohol does to me.. I think people are starting to get it without me having to spell it out.
blahblah!!:happy2:

Hugs to all of you lovely Nesters! and I hope everyone has plans for a nice weekend! A time to re-tank!