Newbies Nest

[tonyniceday]

Re: Newbies Nest

Hi guys
Being here today is really difficult. As you may guess today is day 1 AGAIN, This time I think I really messed up. I think Mrs T is going to leave but I'll just have to wait and see. I started drinking again when there was a gap in the supply of Antabuse - you all know the drill - just a glass or 2 after work, felt in control, went to see the Shrink and he told me that he thought I was on a slippery slope - turned into a cliff and now I've hit the bottom again.

I'm back on the Antabuse and Baclafen as of today and I really am going to have to take this hour by hour again.

I really didn't ever want to be writing this again. I still feel like I'm going to be mourning the loss of alcohol but I KNOW it's the only way on, and my only hope of saving the car-crash that is my marriage at the moment.

I gonna keep checking in here and on the roll call. - One day at a time

[available]

Re: Newbies Nest

Hey Tony and so sorry to hear what al has done to you and your marriage. Never good having a third party involved (al that is). You know the drill, keep on here and keep posting. Its ok to grieve for al, its like losing your best friend but god what a best friend al actually is. Takes and takes till there is nothing left to give. You may mourn al but you will also have a better life. Glad to see you back and you will be kicking butt in no time. Your post is a good reminder of why us alcoholics cannot ever have one drink, we have no off switch for al.

I received an email invite off the new professor of our department yesterday inviting me to meet him at 7.30am tomorrow. So the wait will be over on whether i have this job or not. Sober Linda knows she can do this job extremely well, alcoholic Linda feels insecure and has doubts but i do know that whatever the outcome i have done my best and it will be his loss not mine. There are more important things in life than a job as i discovered today after meeting a woman who's 16 year old son has terminal brain cancer. It made me realise that i am stressing for no real important reason. The world wont end, my children are healthy and so am i, that is all that matters.

Thanks for the well wishes for my son, he is still in a fair amount of pain and ive seen more of his anatomy than i care for at his age but we are getting there. a district nurse came around today so that is good and i have her for another week. He is not drinking and is glad he isnt so definitely a positive out of all of this.

The last couple of days i have noticed mads deteriorating more and she coughs a lot. part of her heart condition and probably the cancer but one day at a time with my gorgeous fur baby

Hello to everyone and take care x.

[paulywogg]

Re: Newbies Nest

Tony its great to see you back,during my last couple of drunken tests my hubs pretty much got fed up with me too,I think it's really hard for them to see us AF and doing great then turn around and go back to horrible past behavior! We can do this Ava,wishing your son swift healing and I'm glad you're there for him,no matter their age their still our babies,have a GREAT AF Day all

[Pavati]

Re: Newbies Nest

Hi, Nest:

Tony - I am so sorry for your pain and so glad you came back - I've been wondering where you were. Mourn the loss, but look forward to the freedom that being away from alcohol takes away from you. One day/hour/minute at a time. Stick close - we're here for you.

LC - Meditation by the river sounds GREAT.

Got some good friend/hiking time yesterday and then drove out to the coast for some beach time as well. All in all, a great day. Wow, am I grateful that I'm not waking up with regret, having been up since 3am with anxiety and fear. I'm glad I didn't drink 800 calories, miss the conversation with my kid at 11pm, or pay another $30 for a bottle.

Thanks for being here, nest. Grateful today.

Pav

[Guitarista]

Re: Newbies Nest

Hola nesters,

Good to see you back Tony. Sounds like Enough is enough. For me at around 40 days ish clean and sober, i am not mourning the loss of negative thoughts that don't serve me well. The self destructive, self harming/self abusing narrative going on in my mind when i am drinking. For me AL is the fuel that ignites the fire and that fire is loaded with toxic fumes that i breathe in 24/7, as does anyone near me (family and friends). But when i am sober, i am strong and i become centred and balanced, happier and more often at peace. I can deal with my negative narrative much easier and swiftly when living sober. I look at such unreal illusory thoughts that have no evidence base, shine a light on them, and i see they are false and useless. I can choose to go along with the bleak stories i might tell myself of a morning and have an ordinary to crap day, or i can say NO WAY am i listening to that story. It's not true. If i turn my attention to the great things and people happening in my life, and you have that, then my focus is healthier and my day gets off to a stronger start. You did 100 days plus recently and you sounded happy and a force of nature to be reckoned with. Wowza! You're on your way again.

Ava, thinking of you and your family.

Day off today after working 7 days straight. Now for a part timer that's a shock to the system and heavy going man! haha. Speed yoga and 5 min. meditation done. I turned up for myself this morning. That is all. Take it easy out there.

[Lavande]

Re: Newbies Nest

Good Sunday evening Nesters,
Damp day here in Lav-land but we need rain. Still feels like summer though, weird.

Tony, good to see you back, sorry for your troubles. The absolute best thing you can do for yourself, your wife & family is close the door on AL now! And keep it closed, there's really no other choice for the likes of us. It will take a while for your wife to start trusting again so be patient & stick to your plan, no matter what.

Ava, glad to hear your son is OK & getting the care he needs. I'm sure Mads is loving your attention too. Good luck with your meeting about the job

Hi to G, Pav, Pauly, Brigette, LC & everyone!
Wishing a safe & comfy night in the nest for all!

Lav

[Byrdlady]

Re: Newbies Nest

Tony, welcome back! Almost 7 years ago, I was in the very same boat as you describe. I have never regretted my decision to let go of AL once and for all. It was what was best for me, AND my husband. It hasnr always been easy, but it has always been worth it.

The cake decorating today has kicked my arse. I put a crumb coat of frosting on it at 11 this morning, and 7 hours later, it looks the same! UGG! 7B34C66C-38C1-4094-95EC-47FB278383B6.jpg
The red velvet keeps bleeding thru the white frosting.
If this is my biggest problem in life, I am one lucky girl.
Goos luck with the job tomorrow, Ava!
Hang in, everyone! Byrdie

[tonyniceday]

Re: Newbies Nest

Hello all and thank you all for the welcome back.

I felt the need today to write a letter to alcohol - it may just be cathartic to me in some ways but I'm posting it here in case it helps anyone. It may just help me but here's what I wrote

From Tonyniceday
Scotland
9th October 2017

To ethanol,

I am not going to give you the satisfaction in this letter of calling you alcohol or “Al” as that is to dress up what you are as an acceptable substance. The fact is that you have a chemical formula CnH2n+1OH

What this means is that you are what you are described as in licences to sell you. Across the UK you are described as “Intoxicating Liquor”. Just take the first word of that and you will see that in the middle of that appears the word “toxic” and that is what you are. You masquerade as my friend. Companies which manufacture drinks which include you, dress you up in fancy bottles, with attractive labels and names. The hidden part is that you are toxic. If you were a new product today, you would never be allowed to be sold.

The toxicity in you causes me physical problems and, also so many relationship problems because you will not leave me alone. Your presence in my system has meant that for some reason, which I cannot fathom out, you leave me with no “off” switch. You start to enter my system and I cannot stop drinking you until I reach a stage of unconciousness. Along the way you make me into a person I do not want to be. I fell in love with you because you made me happy when I could control you. You have, over the years, taken over that control so that up to now you have been controlling me. I am not prepared to let that situation continue. This means that as of yesterday I want nothing more to do with you.

I realise that because of the nature of my business, that I will have to continue to have a business relationship with you. That is where it stops. You will not be controlling me anymore. You still leave me with a desire for you to be part of my life but I cannot have a “normal” relationship with you as you have got me addicted to you and I need to, and WILL beat that addiction.

I am not an actively religious person and this letter is not supposed, in any way, to be preaching at you or anyone else who may read it, but I do have a belief in God and I find it wholly ironic that the first reported miracle of Christ was to turn pure water into toxic wine at a wedding. I have to remind myself on that one that the Bible was written by people and not by God himself. I am often reminded of a religious song, supposedly being the words of God to a mortal man. It says: “I love you, but I hate what you do”.

That is where I am at this moment. There is a thin line between love and hate and you have crossed that line. Why do I now hate you so much…well let’s just think about that for a moment.

Around 18 months ago you KILLED my cousin.

I subsequently have found out that you KILLED an aunt of mine. It is also highly likely that you KILLED an uncle of mine as well.

That is not the actions of a friend and is reason enough for me to now hate you and to want nothing more to do with you.

In addition, you have robbed me of my self-esteem. You have lost me the respect of friends and people I love. You have turned me into a deceitful person where I try to hide you away, try to convince people that I have not drunk you, try to hide the evidence of drinking you. You have made me deny that I need help to get away from you. You recently tried to make me think that I could drink you in moderation. My present psychiatrist warned me that this put me on a slippery slope – how wrong he was. You didn’t push me down that slope, you pushed me to the precipice of a cliff and then pushed me off onto the rocks below.

You are trying to rob me of my marriage. You may have actually succeeded in this and only time will tell whether that is the case. What I do know is that I, without your help, but with the help of people I know and trust in my family, in my group of friends, and my friends on-line, that I am going to do everything I can to stop that from happening.

I may not succeed in this because when I was drinking you, I didn’t just do silly or embarrassing things, I did things which are wholly destructive to the relationships I hold most dear. You have made my relationship with my son very difficult. In time I believe that will heal, but I now have to do things that I shouldn’t have to be doing to try to repair and rebuild these relationships.

Yes, I have an underlying mental health issue and also some general health issues. These were not caused by you but you have made me believe until now that by drinking you I can evade these issues. But they don’t go away through you, you are no help at all and are just making things worse.

Some people say that being an alcoholic, which is what you have made me, is an illness, some say it is an addiction, some say it is personal choice, some say it is a need to avoid reality, and others call it a “condition” which is what I refer to it as. Whatever the true definition is it is YOU who is responsible for this and I want you out of my life for good.

Yes, I know that means that certain times in my life, like holidays, family celebrations and so on, will be different and even difficult from this point on, I may even miss you at those times but If that is the price I have to pay to get rid of you from my life then so be it.

So where do we go from here, Ethanol?

Well I’ll tell you. I will get the help I need, and I already have a bank of people I can turn to, medical professionals and others, and it is they who I will rely on from now on, not you.

We will continue, unfortunately, to have a business relationship, but that is all that it is. You are no longer my friend. When I see you in a supermarket or bar, or restaurant, or anywhere else, I am just going to look the other way and ignore you.

I think that is enough for now, except to say that a letter normally ends with the words “Yours sincerely” or “Yours faithfully” but I cannot end this letter like that as I certainly am not “Yours” anymore. I therefore end this letter as follows:

With hate and contempt for you, Ethanol.

Tony

[Brigitte.E]

Re: Newbies Nest

Firstly, Tony ...

Wow, what a powerful and grounding display of a relationship we are all too familiar with. The accessible, fashionable, poison that has tainted so many others before us. The alluring grasp that lulls us into a false sense of security and control. My heart goes out to you entirely. I'm sorry that it is once again day one, however, I am glad that it is another opportunity to break the vicious cycle. Be proud of the strength you have displayed, facing your demons once again and being open and accountable of the actions that got away from you. I send you strength, understanding and compassion. Be kind to yourself and just take it one step at a time. We are all behind you!!

Life Change; I have struggled to have a positive outlook at times, however recently I feel grounded and content. I have clarity that I have missed so dearly!! Unfortunately ended up doing an additional 2.5 hrs overtime last night and had to drag myself out of bed for yet another shift today but I am grateful that I am merely tired and not feeling nauseous, sweaty and filled with guilt and regret like so many mornings from my past.

Ava; be strong dear one! Remember you are deserving, capable and competent of this new opportunity! Good luck!! I also had a very grounding experiencing with a terminally ill patient yesterday....I could treat her pain, but not the cancer that riddled her body. Her bright eyes twinkled against the stark, yellowish face and pronounced cheek bones that reminded me of a WWII POW prisoner. She had the most beautiful outlook on life and even though she has very little time left spoke with passion and purpose. She wasn't wasting a moment...

Pav; ohhhhhhh dear me....if I added up the amount of money I have wasted on guilty bottles of liquor, I would be astounded. My body feels cleaner and more resilient since I have stopped drinking, those liquid calories I told myself made up for the food I wasn't eating we're nothing more than toxins eroding my body and soul!!!!! The almond croissant I just had for breakfast was better than any vodka breakfast from past!!!!

Guitarista; speed yoga sounds fantastic...do you do it at home or at a studio!!??

Lav; ohhh I love the rain. I have an app on my phone the plays a soft pitter patter with white noise that I use when I need to sleep during the day for nightshifts. Its soooooo calming!

Byrdlady; that cake looks divine!!! I absolutely love red velvet! From what I can see the colour seeping through gives it a wonderful 'naked cake' appearance I would happily help you out by trying a slice

I'm about to embark on another hectic shift. I haven't really specified in the past, but I'm a paramedic with a background of casualty nursing. We work brutal hours, are continuously under resourced and deal with a real cocktail of patients each shift, but all negatives aside I really do love my job. After I dealt with the beautiful patient I mentioned above to Ava, I attended a rather nasty stabbing. I'm so astounded at the violence of this world; the carelessness and brutality. I will admit that I had a think about trying to find a liquor store on the way home, but after getting off so late the universe ensured that wasn't an option and everything was closed by the time I left station. It was a fleeting thought and I could push it aside but I wish my mind would stop trying to tempt me.

Well I send you all strength, kindness and perseverance for the following days. I will touch bases again tomorrow

-B :love:

[available]

Re: Newbies Nest

a great post tony, print it and keep it in your wallet for times to come. one day at a time is all you can do and keep positive. we all feel that tug at events but with the right tools and plans they are doable. Time is a great healer.

Well i didnt get the job which is disappointing. alkie linda expected it but sober linda knows she could have done the job. The professor is bringing someone over from the hospital he worked at previously. There is another job they are creating but today the can all get f'd, tomorrow i may change my mind. i did tell him i wont be staying in the position i am in at present after the new year. i am sure he will change a lot in the department but i am done with the 2+ hour travel per day. I refuse to live to work especially the older i get. So today i lick my wounds and tomorrow i will move on. I had to come home as my boy was in a world of pain and wanting to pass out and vomiting so the dr gave me carers leave for a week. He is my priority and its awful seeing my 24 year old baby in pain.

Oh Brigitte you do have a full on and intense job. They dont give enough credit to our paramedics or enough money especially with what you have to deal with. Working in health is pretty intense. sometimes i would just like to pack shelves and not worry about which can went on which shelf and i am positive the money is better! the bonus of Aus is bottlo's dont open till 10am. i used to go food shopping at 7am as i knew the bottlo was closed then and no temptation in that respect.

Thank you all for you positive thoughts it was so appreciated.

take care x

[wagmor]

Re: Newbies Nest

Brigitte - I've known a handful of paramedics over the years, and knew some of them well enough to hear the "inside scoop" on the stress and harsh reality of their jobs. They almost all drank as a coping mechanism. Thank you for doing work that meets people in one of their greatest hours of need. Your words about the terminally ill cancer patient really hit home for me. I'm going to see my cousin this Wed. I will be taking your suggestions, and those of everyone else here, with me.

Ava - so sorry to hear that your son and Mads are both having such a hard time right now. Really glad you're able and available to nurse the through. Sending extra hugs to that sweet pup of yours - a soft spot for me as you probably know. That's too bad about the job. Maybe there will be a blessing in disguise down the road. I've found that sometimes that's true - I've been disappointed after not getting some position or opportunity, only to discover later that it was truly for the best. I hope this is true for you as well.

Pav - sounds like a fun day, so glad you were able to enjoy hiking and the coast.

Tony - oh Tony, I'm so sad to hear of the pain al, or more rightly ethanol, has brought you. I truly hope you'll stick tight to the nest. Your letter was beautiful - raw and painful, yes - but honest and beautiful. Welcome back dear friend. Pull up a few twigs and strap yourself in good.

Byrdie - I know that cake isn't up to the par you've set for yourself, but it is beautiful nonetheless.

Waves to Lav, Gman, LC, MK, Pauly and everyone else. Happy start to your weeks

[wagmor]

Re: Newbies Nest

Sigh... this was a rough weekend in Wagland.

We left Friday for what was supposed to be a relaxing camping weekend. Fri afternoon and eve were nice - we actually had the whole campground to ourselves - just 5 sites but nice to have it quiet. Early Sat morning it started raining, but it had stopped by the time we were ready to get up out of the tent. We had breakfast and went for a wonderful hike. Some minor snafus, but all in all a good several hours After hiking we planned to head into the nearest small town to get a couple of forgotten grocery items and check some important messages I was expecting (camping and hiking areas are all outside cell service areas - pretty remote). Then, driving the forest road back to the main road we must have hit something with our tire cuz by the time I turned onto the paved road it was completely flat. And I mean pancake flat. I'm pretty sure it happened suddenly, cuz it was fine leaving the trail head parking lot and it was only two miles out on the forest road.Of course we were still far outside cell service area. And it started raining again hard. My friend flagged down a car filled with friendly mushroom hunters, and one guy agreed to take her back toward town until she got a cell signal and could call for roadside assistance. Meanwhile, I stayed in the truck with our terrified little dog (she gets anxious in the car anyway, but especially with the indicator/blinker or the hazard lights clicking away).

TWO HOURS went by. I was finally at a point of digging our compressor out of the bed of the truck to see if I could get enough air to hold in the tire to make it a few miles closer to town. We couldn't just change the tire ourselves - it's complicated how they secure spares up under 4WD trucks and I'd never seen how to release this one, plus I couldn't get the jack free at all. Two hours with a scared little pup and darkness looming closer.

Finally, the roadside assistance crew drove up with my friend - they changed out to our spare in about 5 mins and we were on our way to a gas station to add air to the clearly low spare. Low and behold, even after bringing the spare up to full pressure and then checking the other 3 and topping them off a bit, the dang "low tire pressure" light refused to go off. Kind of unnerving. We got our groceries and drove back to the campground only to find that it was locked in with rain and during our day away our tent had gotten somewhat wet. We were exhausted but not able to stomach the thought of a long night in a cold wet tent, so we hustled to break camp and throw everything in the back of the truck and just go home.

Really glad we did that. A good night's sleep in a warm dry bed.

Then things got worse. This morning we were walking our pup in our neighborhood. A woman was by her car in her garage with two dogs off leash. The dogs ran out and one of them attacked our little pup. It happened in a flash. I tried kicking the dog off her but he wouldn't let go, so I reached down and picked our pup up and wrested her away from the attacking dog. Our dog got bitten in 4 places and I got bitten twice - once in each hand. It was very traumatic. The woman was beside herself and came immediately out to restrain her dogs and to help us. I was livid - our pup just barely got over the trauma of being bitten about 6 weeks ago and now here it had happened again. I had so much adrenaline pumping I didn't even realize how much my own bites hurt until we got home. They're not terrible, but they're bad and they hurt like hell. Got the pup's wounds cleaned up and then mine. Spent the rest of the day dealing with a truck bed full of wet camping gear.

Tomorrow or Tue I have to get my truck tire(s) dealt with because I'm driving to see my cousin before she passes away. I've just about had it with this year, and I feel like curling up in a ball and crying for days.

The old wags would have said, "I need a drink or 4" and would have indulged in that immediately. Probably last night and again today. These were very emotionally challenging days for a Wagster already running on emotional fumes from the other stresses I've had this year. It would have been EASY to justify drinking.

But I didn't.

I got through all of this sober. I might have hated some of it, but I don't have regrets to now add to the list. Thanks Nesters - your support keeps me coming back and really helps me stay on track.

[tonyniceday]

Re: Newbies Nest

Good morning all - and may we all have a beautiful AF day - it is sunny and bright here in Scotland - cold, but a beautiful day which is fitting for my day 2 as it makes me feel a little better. I'm clearly still going through the detox stage again and expect to be for the next few days.

Wags I am sorry to here about your woeful camping trip. In the UK our phone contracts say that there is 99.9% uk coverage - about 4 miles up the road the 0.1% starts! I know what it is like to need help and not be able to call for it...I am also sorry to hear about your experience with your puppy. We have 3 dogs and one of them can be a little aggressive to other dogs...but she always comes back to us when called and we then put her on a short lead while we pass another dog to stop that from escalating. Your hands and the injuries to your dog will heal in time. Have you got over the physical problems from your car crash? Did they ever get the other driver?

Well done for not turning to drink in a very difficult situation. I salute you.

Ava - everything happens for a reason and I am sure that a new opportunity will soon present itself. Good luck in your continued search. It will come to fruition eventually. Shame on the professor for leading you on. He clearly knew he wanted a particular person for the job and yet put you, the AF Linda, through an interview when he had obviously already decided the outcome. Your time will come.

Birdy - I'll have a slice of the cake too - It may not have turned out how you wanted but it still looks a great cake - Our chef started out as a pastry chef and makes some fabulous deserts - I am now going to be indulging in those more - as before my Doctor says he would rather I get a sugar/chocolate fix at the moment than have a drink - he says that if that becomes a problem we'll deal with that later.

Anyway, off for a caffeine and chocolate fix now. See you all in a bit and thank you all for being there!

Tony

[paulywogg]

Re: Newbies Nest

Wags,what a shitty weekend! Glad your doggie is ok though poor thing,Tony,great letter! Ava,sorry you didn't get the job but there's more out there and its their loss anyways Byrdie,red velvet is my fave I don't care how it looks haha,Bridgette,kudos to you for being able to do your job,I'm too sensitive and couldn't handle the pressure cuz I'm a wimp! Hope everyone has a peaceful,productive day

[Pavati]

Re: Newbies Nest

Hi, Nest:

Great posts - I have not time to comment on all of them this morning. This struck me, though.

I turned up for myself this morning. That is all. Take it easy out there.

Words to live by.

Happy Monday.

Pav