Newbies Nest

[wagmor]

Re: Newbies Nest

Well, I finally got the initial settlement offer from my ins co regarding my hit-and-run accident. I will be soooooooo happy when this is all over with, but the initial offer seemed too low. Sadly, my primary source of info and guidance on this matter has been my cousin, and as you all know she's in no condition to offer me any further advice. When I received the offer yesterday though, I tried to channel her - to think what she might tell me to do. I also googled it! From what I can tell, first offers are always low and they just hope you'll be either so desperate for money, or so desperate to be finished with everything, that you'll just take it. Believe me, part of me wanted to do just that so that we can finally close the book on the majority of the nightmare.

Instead, I spent 30 mins or so composing a response, thanking them for their initial offer and explaining why it was too low. I highlighted the lingering issues around one particular injury that has not fully resolved, and the low-grade but ever-present anxiety I still feel while driving. It's enough to cause me to adjust my routes to minimize the occurrence of things that trigger me. Since I was initially rear-ended at full speed (I was stopped at a red light, the driver who hit me didn't even slow), I mostly get anxious when I'm in that same situation and someone comes up behind me at what I perceive to be a fast speed. It still makes me hold my breath and brings tears to my eyes at times. Some days I just can't do it at all and I turn around and go home.

I highlighted all of that. I also asked my adjuster to please detail how he had arrived at the initial offer. No such details were included in the email yesterday. I'm sure it's based on some sort of calculation, but I want to know what.

I respectfully requested a second higher offer.

We shall see... I'm so fed up with this ins co I don't expect anything, but I had to at least try or I'd be kicking myself within a matter of weeks. Cross your fingers, wings, toes, and send out all good vibes through the universe to me please. I could use some good news as we move closer to the end of this horrible year.

I'd love to be able to send word to my cousin that I got a good settlement before she passes. Even though she's in her last hours or days, I believe she'll hear it if someone tells her. Why not send her off with one final victory.

[moonking]

Re: Newbies Nest

Welcome, Hastowork! This site is great. I try to check in every day and it keeps me accountable. I don't want to have to come back and tell all these lovely people I've relapsed. Hearing their stories and how so many of them have been AF for so long can be very positive and uplifting for those of us very early in our sobriety.

I did not end up talking to my husband, I was way to sick to talk and he ended up asleep before I came back from ridding myself of dinner (sorry, TMI.) Will try again tonight. Need to get my thoughts more straight, anyway.

Thank you for the advice Byrdie, Pav, Wags and Lavande. It means a lot. I will work on gratitude. I think I got the hang of some of it last night. My daughter and I played outside until it got too cold and then came inside, put on a movie and ate snacks while lounging on our pillow fort on the floor. It was a lovely time. I am grateful that I was sober for it. Deep down I know I can't moderate. I've tried in the past and usually just end up drinking MORE than I was before I quit. Of course when I wake up in the morning hangover free I am always happy that I didn't drink the night before. But once 5pm comes - I think alcohol was just such a presence in my life that it's hard to think of life without it. Like going out for drinks with friends - going to the many wineries around here, for example. Do I just not drink? Yes, the answer is yes. But what do I do? If I'm not drinking...what am I doing? Maybe it's getting to the root of that. I loved going out for beers with my friends...but why? Was it because of the beer or because of the company? Surely, if it was the company, I could leave the beer out it no problem. So part of it has to be the beer, right? I can stay at home and have a good time without alcohol - that's not a problem. Plenty to do, plenty to be a distraction. But going out with friends...I'm not good at conversation, I'm not good at continuing stories...I'm an anxious, socially awkward person. Some things to ponder.

Sorry about the insurance company, wags. My mom was hit by a drunk driver from behind when I was in high school and she still struggles with anxiety when someone is following her too closely in the car. I hated watching her go through that. And hearing my dad fight with the insurance company. Good luck.

[KENSHO]

Re: Newbies Nest

Here you go Byrdie, another validation of your recent post.

For 8 months, I had no alcohol. It was mostly great. And then two things happened: 1. the stress level of my job doubled, and 2. I noticed a real distance in my relationship with my husband, because he is a drinker. Instead of working through these issues, I decided to try drinking again, because maybe? things would be different. For several weeks, this meant one drink, once a week, and no desire for more. Until the night I decided to use alcohol to “check out” of stress. When week nights required staying up late to work, I specifically told myself that I could use alcohol to get through it. I knew it wasn’t the best thing to do, but I did it anyway in a F-it phase. Slowly, as Wagmore said, I have “devolved” into using alcohol not to enhance a social experience, but to escape dealing with uncomfortable things.

The biggest problem with this is that I don’t to problem solve and listen to my needs - and I don’t “show up for myself” (another brilliant phrase by Wags). When I feel stressed or tired or irritable or frustrated or angry or hungry or sad or lonely - I think of alcohol first. Not sleep, or a bath, or confronting a difficult situation, or eating, etc. For about 3 weeks, this meant one shot of tequila daily at 4pm. This took the edge off and no-one noticed. But it was sneaking and not telling - and it damn sure was not solving problems. Once this pattern is started for me, it becomes a need for more and more often and earlier. I still don’t drink a relatively large amount of alcohol, but I see where it’s going and what it’s doing and I don’t like it.

SO I’m here again. Although I wish I could be an infrequent and moderate drinker, it doesn’t seem to work that way for me. It always leads to more and more and sneaking around. I guess that’s just the way I’m wired. I don’t want to stick around to see how this scenario ends with myself a mess and empty bottles clanking the can again. I want to choose being a non-drinker, and I know how to do that. But I am facing some major confrontations ahead, and I dread it.

I am afraid of telling my husband that I prefer not drinking - because he likes it more when I do. Ours is the only relationship that somewhat improved with my drinking because I was more easy going, less serious, wanted to have more fun, and was just loosened up - we were more on the same page. (I do get more defensive and confrontational though - which is NOT helpful). SO I really don’t know if our relationship can thrive without alcohol. I tend to grow up and he stays stuck. I also have a really hard time not judging his use, and he can feel that.

We are also visiting his in-laws for Thanksgiving. His father has made snarky comments before about me not drinking. And I don’t want to deal with that. If pushed enough, I will shove back and let him have it, but I am dreading the situation and the pressure to drink. I’m not sure how to deal with it, and part of me says - just drink through that time, then stop. But really??!! Other people are determining MY decision to drink or not? How stupid is that?? To give others that power - well that’s a prime example of why it makes me feel worse about myself. So not only do I have to stop, I have to go through this “build-myself-up” thing that is total crap. My husband and family should support me doing what I feel is healthy for me. Ugh. So that is what I am currently dealing with - dread of these two situations. I know how to deal with work when I choose to, and how to go through the cravings and stop. What I don’t know how to do yet is work through being a non-drinker with my husband and his family. And I would like it if that would just go away, and that is now something I have to face.

But I sit here and tell you all today that I choose being a non-drinker. Even if it makes me a goodie-goodie little priss, miss serious tight ass. Fuck them all - I don’t want to be a slave to alcohol and I choose not to be. And if they don’t respect it, they can leave.

Sorry to rant. Just being honest. God forbid I have even more challenging things to deal with like the death of someone close to me. Strength to you all, and I appreciate your stories and thoughts and you listening to me. Hugs.

[available]

Re: Newbies Nest

Kensho drinking t 4pm is a sign that all is not going to plan and your drinking is bad. normal drinkers do not do shots of al at 4pm. To me, i had to give up drinking or die. I had to look at it differently. deep down i knew al was killing me but i then justified why i deserved that drink. it was a vicious cycle that only i could get off. With regards to the family dont go. End of story, they hurt you by pressuring you to drink so dont go. We need to protect ourselves in our quit or we will drink. Your relationship with hubs is another matter, maybe he would "grow up" (my words when i stopped drinking, thats what i did) if he stopped drinking also. You dont need to be a sheep and follow him to make him happy, you need to make you happy. drinking does not make an alcoholic happy, well maybe for that short time. I dont have head f*cks anymore of talking myself into why i should and should not drink, i dont drink, end of story and if anyone doesnt like it then too bad. It is my life and i only have one of them. For near 4 years i have had the best life i could possibly ask for sober and i am proud and my children are proud. I refuse to put myself in situations that may entice me to drink, i use those two words NO and too bad who i hurt. My quit is my number 1 priority, end of story. My children tell me i am boring now, i tell them i am alive to be boring. They also tell me how proud of me they are. Only you can make the decisions on what to do with your life, some things you just need to walk away from to protect yourself but its your choice at the end of the day to drink, as it is all of us.

Yesterday i said to a woman god i feel like a vodka (never drank the stuff) and she said oh a bit early isnt it. I laughed and said i dont drink and she said she didnt either. Its nice to say that statement and know it is true.

take care x

[Guitarista]

Re: Newbies Nest

Hi nesters,

Kensho. From your posts and general vibe over the years here, you are a seriously creative and cool kick arse woman. I reckon your family would be totally lost without you around and feel a huge gap in proceedings! If they can't respect your choices then they can hit the road. Stand your ground proud lady.

Big waves to y'all. Going running then diving into the sea. Yeah!

[Lavande]

Re: Newbies Nest

Good evening Nesters,

Sea diving G? OK, sounds like fun

Kensho, I read your post slowly & all I could think was this - you are an adult, you get to choose what you do & do not do. Give yourself permission to tell your in-laws & even your husband, NO, I DON'T DRINK ANYMORE! And don't wait for a response or rebuttal, just say NO & walk away. You don't owe anyone an explanation, you just don't. You are in charge of your life, no one else!

Wags, insurance companies are in business to keep their money, they frown on payouts. Tough! You hang in there & squeeze them hard, make them cough up the $$. You never know what the future will bring, you may need a nest egg to fall back on.

Moonking, sorry you are still dealing with the sickness. I truly hope it ends soon.
Enjoy all the precious moments you can with your little one because once the second baby arrives everything changes, oh boy.

Hastowork, glad to see you back on day 2, great work!
Stick with us, check in daily for support. We do great work here together.

Hello to everyone & wishing a safe night in the nest for all!

Lav

[tonyniceday]

Re: Newbies Nest

[MENTION=20476]KENSHO[/MENTION]
I'm going through a very similar thing at the moment... have a look at the October army and see the responses I've had...

[Byrdlady]

Re: Newbies Nest

Evening, nesters.
Hasto, congrats on Day 2! So happy for you!
Kensho, so glad to see you back. I certainly dont think Im more boring without AL. In fact, I find drinkers A BORE! It is easy to rely on AL to make us better conversationalists or take away our anxiety, but the fact is, that ability is inside us all along, we are lazy and until we have to develop that skill, it doesnt come easy. Its like anything else, the more you practice being social etc, the easier it is. When you dont have AL to fall back on, you reach deep to find the ways. If we are patient with ourselves, we will be amazed at the changes.
Wags. Hang in, so proud of you for not settling! I hope it pays off.
Hope everyone has an easy evening. Byrdie

[KENSHO]

Re: Newbies Nest

Three days without booze and I feel SO much better. Thanks for your words. It means a lot. Like last time, I will just go forward and figure things out on the way.
Hope you hear good news about your insurance claim Wagmore. I was impressed at your handling of that situation. Big insurance companies deserve (and expect?) some push back - hold your ground!

Tony, hope you are doing ok - glad to see your 11 days! Restaurant work is a challenge without the alcohol piece.

[Pavati]

Re: Newbies Nest

Hi, All:

Kensho - glad you're back! Your post and Moon's sound familiar. I was quite certain that I would never have fun again if I quit drinking. ALL of my social life was built around it - everything I liked to do. It did take a while, but eventually I build up those social skills without alcohol. Now, I LOVE going to live music sober, camping, dancing, staying up until 2am. As I become more confident in myself, however, I ALSO have developed a better perspective of when to say no. I don't have to go out and do everything - in fact, I actually like to stay home sometimes. It was a revelation to me, as I was always the last at the party, having "fun," and feeling like crap the next day. Now I leave events at a decent time (usually when the drunks start slurring and getting close to my face), drive home on my one, and get a good sleep.

Kensho, you have said a lot of times that you're not fun. What do you do when you're drinking that you won't do sober? For me, it was dancing. I really felt I needed that liquid courage to get out there. It took practice and a lot of extra effort at first, but I made myself get out there and dance, as uncomfortable as I was. Now I have built the skill without alcohol, and it doesn't take any extra effort at all. I love it. Maybe if there's something you do that is fun, you can explore with yourself if you can and want to do it sober, even if it is uncomfortable at first??

Wags - love that letter. What great advice. I hope it works, and I'm so sorry you have those effects still from your accident...

Off to work - have a great day everyone. Fires still burning but seem to be under control for now. Rain in the forecast for tomorrow. Fingers crossed. Now is time for clean up. Something like 13 schools burned to the ground. So much devastation. I just heard from an old friend that her (91 year old) mother lost her home and had missed one insurance payment (after 20 years) so they had cancelled her insurance and she didn't know. What a mess.

Hope you are all good. Happy SOBER Hump Day.
Pav

[narilly]

Re: Newbies Nest

Kensho,
You are one strong gal- YOU can do it! I have seen you pull through before. I agree with Ava, drinking a shot at 4pm everyday is not what normal drinkers do.

Sorry I have been gone so long everyone. I got a new job in July and then for some reason my password wouldn't work on MWO and time went by, but I am back. No thoughts of drinking but I missed y'all You all have helped me keep sober and I think of you often so heck ya!- I am Here!

Nice to see you here Byrdie, Pav, Ava, Guitarista, Kensho, Tony, Wags, Moonking. I will keep checking in and spreading the good cheer, haha.

Have a great sober day everyone!

[wagmor]

Re: Newbies Nest

Kensho - I agree with Ava (and appreciate her honesty) - shots at 4pm are not what a "normal" drinker would do. Was it something I used to do? Absolutely! Probably lots of folks on MWO could say the same. But therein lies the problem - we're a pretty skewed sample unfortunately toward the alcoholic end of the spectrum. I think, actually, that was one of my big "a-ha's" - was realizing and then coming to terms with the fact that my drinking patterns or habits were NOT normal, they were disordered. I think you know yourself pretty well, and you've hit upon some of the deeper issues you'll have to look at. First and foremost though, is what you just posted - not letting other people decide whether or not YOU are going to drink. In either direction! You are strong and we can help you. Keep coming back :hug:

Moon - yep, that's one of my main residuals from the accident - sitting in traffic or at a red light and seeing someone come up behind me. That's what I was doing when I was hit very hard, although thankfully I didn't see it coming. Sorry to hear your mom had a similar traumatic accident Sorry also to hear you were feeling so un-well again. I hope you turn the corner on this soon!

G-man - can't wait to hear about diving into the sea!!!

LC - where are you??? Is everything ok? Maybe I've just missed your posts but it seems we haven't seen you recently.

Nar - good to see you!


Well, I got a small bump in the insurance offer, but it's still not accounting in any way for the fact that I have residual issues that will likely bother me for a long time to come, possibly the rest of my life. I wrote one last reply to try to plead my case, and then I think I'm gonna be done. I want and need closure. I know that they're counting on that, and it pisses me off that the company who is supposed to be taking care of me has basically drug its feet this entire time, trying not to spend a dime more than minimally required. There is something wrong with a system that makes money off peoples pain and suffering!

Also expecting to receive word about my cousin's passing almost any hour or day now. Who knows - she might hang in there another few weeks. They say that some people die in the same way that they live. My cousin is a fairly cautious soul who doesn't jut dive headlong into new things. Some of her family expect that she'll use the same caution as she leaves us. I figure, as long as she isn't in pain (and she doesn't seem to be), it's her journey and she should do what works for her!


Happy HUMP DAY everyone!!!

[Marylou123]

Re: Newbies Nest

Hi All - a super quick fly by now but I will try to post more later.
Kensho - so much I want to say but let me just summarize it like this: You neither need permission nor acknowledgement to do what’s right.
Wags - I’m a little late to the whole story, but have you considered a lawyer? Prayers and hugs for you sweetie.
LC - ??
Gotta run - stay strong,
ML

[KENSHO]

Re: Newbies Nest

Thanks so much for everyone's welcoming and support. I am feeling great not being tied to the bottle.

[Guitarista]

Re: Newbies Nest

That's the spirit Kensho! Spirit as in your inner one not the fermented kind! I feel very strongly about others trying to impose their will on me. It's not on, and not ok. Sheesh, ESPECIALLY if it's a partner or family. Totally agree with the others on you don't need anyone's permission to do your thing.....ever.

Narilleeeeee! Hello and great to see you. How's the new job? :balloons:

Mini-major milestone here today. Milestone, not millstone. No more of those monkeys on my back, and becoming far less so (monkey mind chatter) in my head.

Wags, the dive into the sea wasn't as dramatic or theatrical as it sounded. I walked from sand to over waste deep, then dove into oncoming waves. Kinda cleansing and renewing. Try to do it most days. Fab feeling! Fresh, Cold, new, invigorating, enlivening, refreshing, enlightening. Enveloping all the senses.

Take care out there.