Newbies Nest

[Lavande]

Re: Newbies Nest

Good evening Nesters,

Great to see everyone!
We had a clear, sunny cool day here, feel blessed.

Hello to G, kensho, ML, Wags, Pav & everyone checking in.
Welcome back narilly, missed you

Wishing a safe & comfy night in the nest!

Lav

[Byrdlady]

Re: Newbies Nest

Evening, nesters!
Narrily, great to see you. I can vouch for the new job thing, mine has had me hopping, too. Glad to see that all is well.
Tony, I read about your situation over on the army thread. It reminded me of my situation at first. My hubs gave me the ultimatum on that January 19, 2011 and later offered me drinks! We had a ‘Come to Jesus’meeting. I told him it didnt work both ways, ALcoholism cant be turned on and off. If he wanted a wife who wasnt a drunk he’d have to accept that she couldn't drink, at all. Its a matter of life and death. If she wants a drinking buddy, it may be putting a spotlight on her drinking. It never bothered me to drink alone! My hubs has a glass of wine every night, he keeps the box (ha) downstairs out of my sight. He nurses a glass for s couple hours, I cant imagine that. He has a half a glass sitting over there now, I could polish that off in one big gulp. There is nothing normal about my drinking. The Alkie side of you will want to listen and appease her and try over and over again to moderate. Dont listen to the alkie side. Listen to all of us who have tried that and failed. If you explain it in terms of life and death, she will get it. There is a wealth of information online about it, all she needs to do is a little research. I understand your confusion, I couldnt believe it myself, but I grew a backbone instead if a wishbone and told him what I HAD to do. It has worked out just fine. Good luck! Byrdie

[wagmor]

Re: Newbies Nest

Tony - I read your posts and the replies over in the army thread too. Thanks for pointing that out. I'm so sorry things are so confusing and difficult. I can't imagine how hard it must be to be with a partner who wants a drinking buddy but not a drunk, and doesn't see how that option doesn't exist for you. My heart goes out to you. Hopefully Byrdie and others are right - if you put it in life or death terms, or compare it to a diabetic, maybe she'll understand. Then again, maybe not. If she truly can't understand that you don't have a "stop" switch, it's probably because she has one. If she views drinking as a choice that she makes, she might assume that it's also a *choice* you make, even when you drink in a disordered way. How is she usually convinced or influenced about things in life? Some people are swayed by data, facts, research (books, articles, online). Others are experiential types of people (have to see it feel it do it themselves). Some are swayed by personal stories, or conversations, or even movies that convey deeper meaning through powerful characters. I think it's worth mulling over how she would best learn about anything new to her, and for you to try approaching it from that angle. Regardless, sending you hugs. Please keep reaching out here and in other threads - we're in this with you and will help you find your way :hug:

Byrdie - those are some great words in tonight's post. I love especially the part about growing a backbone instead of a wishbone. I'm gonna borrow that if I may - save it for a rainy day when cuz I know it'll come in handy

Nar - yes, glad G-dude asked you - how IS the new job going???

G - your daily sea dive sounds absolutely wonderful and ALIVE - I love it! If I lived closer to the ocean I might have to steal that too. Instead, I think I'll find a similar daily way of enveloping all the senses as you say.

Marylou - I have thought about a lawyer actually. I don't think my settlement will be worth quite enough to make it worth it for a lawyer to take the case, but I might be wrong. I'm really just holding out that my ins co will do the right thing. Fingers crossed that my final attempt will not have fallen on deaf ears.

Hellos and hugs to Lav, Ava, Pav, LC, Moon, Brigitte, and everyone else!

[lifechange]

Re: Newbies Nest

Morning Nesters,

I've been reading here almost daily and have had you all in my mind.. I'm sorry I didn't speak out to show my support, but I didn't really have any positive words to hand out, though I would have loved to reach out and give a long hug..Wags, you've especially been in my heart these past almost 2 weeks..

I'm not quite sure what to say.. I've been trying to figure out why I keep putting myself in the same situation. It's become a pattern now that at about 3 weeks in I decide to drink.. it's usually a situation I hadn't anticipated, though after so many years I know this isn't an excuse. And I do know what to do and I think about my options and decide to give it a go anyway. Then I'm so devastated about losing the days I had, knowing how difficult it is to begin again. It is so difficult and it completely crushes my self confidence/worth. Each and every day/night I pray to any God to help me. I guess this is part of my way out.. which is like a long torture process that I, I!, put myself through. The only positive thing is that I'm not completely lying to myself anymore. I knew this time what would happen. I spelled it out to myself, went through the whole scenario of what had happened each and every time in the past and decided to "try" it anyway. So it was the outcome I'd predicted and I regretted it almost immediately. And the mindf*** involved with pulling myself out of the hell again has been agonizing.
Yesterday I managed to come straight home after work and glued myself to the sofa. And this morning I feel so relieved and hopeful. I know my only chance at being at peace and at being happy comes with sobriety. So I'm going to try again.. to take everything I've learned and all of your words of wisdom and put them into practice again. I know that the thing I haven't done in a very long time, is to get enough AF days in a row to add up to beginning to really change my brain. So onto the first new milestone of 3 weeks. That is when I'll really need help.

Big hugs to the whole Nest.. Thinking of you, Moon, Brigitte, Lav, Byrdie, Ava, Pav, NS, Tony, G-man, Marylou, Kensho, Wags, Nar (good to see you) and Rahul, too..to everyone here..

[wagmor]

Re: Newbies Nest

LC - really glad to see you! I want to write you a full response but I absolutely must go to sleep cuz I'm simply exhausted and drained. For now:

:hug:

Don't give up! This is hard hard stuff and you're learning SO much. If quitting were easy, we'd all be able to do it any time we want. :heartbeat:

[Guitarista]

Re: Newbies Nest

Good to see you posting LC. I relate strongly to your post and situation above, as i have followed similar patterns. At 50 days in, i'm feeling tops as i usually do at this stage, but it's not lost on me how many times i cave in about now, or 90 days ish. I have realised (or currently suspect), that my best strategy and defence is to develop my resilience. My resilience to life - everything! I need strong foundations and a bulletproof 'tude. A solid no frills daily practice of the healthy kind that i can handle and stick to. Enter - The magic flying carpet. Ok not quite, that's the advanced level after 6 months AF. I'm talking about my attitude and thinking at the beginning of every day. A self check of where my head and heart are at. Meditation and yoga may or may not be helping with this, i'm not real sure, but they are not hurting me in any way either. A daily statement of self care, RUTHLESSLY practiced and adhered to first thing every morning no matter what no matter who. Wherever i turn, wherever i google, this sort of practice comes up everywhere as something that's been known for thousands of years to provide big benefits to mind, body and soul, especially for us addicts or problem drinkers. Stick with us and take back your precious life. You are a remarkable person LC and you are worth it.

Wags, do you have any mountains or forests near you? That'd envelop the senses, especially if there are critters.

Big waves to all!

[NoSugar]

Re: Newbies Nest

LC and Kensho (and anyone else who is caught in the soul-sucking loop of addiction),

Please know that there is peace in surrender while the uncertainty you are living in is so uncomfortable - and until you give up the dream (which for most of us is a living nightmare), you'll be consumed by it. You'll be tempted to give drinking just one more try even though in your heart, you know how that story will end.

For anyone who makes it here, the days of mindless, carefree, social, fun drinking are over. I suspect that like me, it is almost impossible for you to actually enjoy drinking once you've realized you need to quit, which clearly we all have or we wouldn't be on MWO. When I drank before each of my many day ones, it was a desperate act, leaving me guilty and feeling like a failure. There was no reward past that the relief of the first few guzzles, not civilized sips, that then lead inevitably to a WTF might as well drink the whole bottle now catastrophe. It sounds like you are able to drink somewhat moderately when you drink, Kensho, which may actually be working against you in your effort to quit. But I bet you are thinking about drinking/ not drinking a lot. You're missing out on the beautiful peace of mind that comes with surrender.

Eventually we all have to do this for ourselves but maybe for now, each of you could imagine that one of your precious children was saying and thinking the things you are now. I think it would break your heart.

What would you say to your child? How would you help her set up her environment to succeed? Treat yourself like you would your beloved child. I know you wouldn't let her poison herself, no matter how much she said she needed to do it. But you would offer love, support, and kindness. And you wouldn't let her give up and return to drinking because you wouldn't want her to be sick or die.

Our children watch us all of the time, even when they don't say anything. Perhaps especially then.

I don't mean to sound like I have all the answers but I do know that once your children are grown and gone, you'll want to be able to look back at the years you're now in without gnawing regrets that you didn't stop drinking when you knew you needed to.

Please let it go, friends. You'll find so much peace. xx, NS

[narilly]

Re: Newbies Nest

NS, you sure have a way with words! I love you <3
Lav, Wags, Byrdie, Life, G,Kensho, everyone- I am so glad to see you here, I missed all of you.
Thank you for the welcome back everyone. I have thought of you often and I am glad I finally got my act together and logged in.

Hey Geeeeee! You are kicking butt, and Life- hang in there. Like NS said, there is SO much freedom that comes with just letting go. I used to obsess everyday on how I was going to moderate and that I would only have one or two drinks. This rarely worked for me and I would invariably lose control and end up blacking out- which did not take much.
Ugh.

I have 3.5 years of sobriety now, I can hardly believe it. I will never forget NS asking me "do you really want to quit Nar? Why did you drink again?" That helped me a lot. Do I really want to quit? YES!!!

Stay with it, don't drink! I have a couple of MWO members on messenger and have their cell numbers. I can text or message them if I feel like I want to drink. That has helped me.

Have a great sober day everyone!

[moonking]

Re: Newbies Nest

Well this is what I get for not checking in for ONE day! A whole lot of great support. Makes me happy to see.

Kensho - Oh my, your first post resonates with me so much right now. I’m the same way - always alcohol first. Never, “Let me take 5 minutes to just breathe.” Instead it was, “Go grab a glass!” Or two…or twelve…And I’ve always used alcohol to deal with my social anxiety. Being in big groups without alcohol really makes me feel sick to my stomach. Learning how to socialize without alcohol scares the shit out of me. I’m so terribly awkward. I’m sorry your in-laws are such pushy people. I understand that so well, as my family are big pushers, too. Mostly my mom and I really think it’s because she doesn’t want to drink alone. But you can’t just say no, you have to say no about 100 times in a night or else have a “legit” reason to not be drinking. I doubt even telling them the truth would be a legit reason. They like to pretend everything is always hunky dory, we don’t talk about past mental health issues I’ve had. They wouldn’t accept a new one. I’m an anxious mess when I’m not drinking. I have to be in control of everything. Everything needs to be put in it’s place. The dishes, laundry all needs to be done. I can’t get behind. Weeds must be pulled. Toys must be put away. The. House. Must. Be. Clean. These are things I’d let go of when drinking, which made me think I was a better wife and mother, because I was so laid back. But looking back…a normal person does not need to be two glasses of wine deep to go to the park with their kid. I’d be lying if I said I’m not still trying to talk myself into drinking after I give birth. “Oh, I’m sure it’ll be fine. Just a beer every once in awhile…” Of course it will start as “just” in social situations. Then “just” when we’re out to dinner. Then “just” a glass of wine at home. Then “just” two…and, well, you know the pattern. Then I’m trying to figure out how to get to the store to “replenish” the alcohol I’ve drank so my husband doesn’t notice. I’m not sure how it is for you, but for me, it seems every time I quit, the faster I’m hiding alcohol again. Whether this is the right strategy or not, I’m trying to give myself goals before I “drink again.” For example, I can drink again when I get the baby weight off, when I stop breastfeeding, when I’m in a good running routine, when I’m in a good cleaning routine - basically when I have my life in control again. But deep down, I know if I want to keep that control, I have to keep sober. I’m hoping that I’ll see more and more positives to not drinking as time goes on.

Byrdie - my husband is the same way. We always have a box of wine that he drinks on and he can have one glass in a night, which will usually last 4-5 hours. A glass that would typically last me at most about 10 minutes. It’s almost fascinating to watch him sip the wine and even some nights - *gasp* - pour out the rest because he just plain doesn’t want it. I can’t fathom this thinking and I suppose that makes me more confident that I have a problem.

G is right!!! We have woods on our property with many trails and never do I feel better when walking those trails and seeing the leaves changing or all the critters out. Except spiders, I could do without walking into orb webs. I wish we had an ocean near us we could go swim in, but I’ll have to setting for the man-made lake.

Day 54 for me. Morning sickness is lessening during the day, which is such a relief. Finally feeling like a valuable member of my team at work. But it seems to hit extra hard at night. Around 11 weeks now, so at most a month more of this crap.

[KENSHO]

Re: Newbies Nest

Tony, I DO so get your situation. That’s what my husband wants. In his head, and sometimes out loud, he says “just don’t drink during the week”. Great. It may be something he can do, but not me. It is either that I am a drinker and think about it all the time, or I am not and am free to think about other things. Dense spouses, I tell you.

G, there's nothing better than solid feet in the sand time. It’s good for the body and soul. I wish I lived near a coast. Enjoy!

LC, I’m sorry you are in this cycle. Break it! You know it doesn’t work. I will say that your posts in the last couple months, during your AF time, sounded so mature, grounded and self-appreciating. It was a noticeable difference - and it was inspiring. Do you know what becomes your road block at 3 weeks? Not wanting to let go of your safety net? Not knowing how to move forward? As they say, no way out but through.

I’m not feeling motivated to do ANYTHING this week. The pressure is somewhat off with the big mountain project mostly behind me - but there are still things I should be doing. I hope my desire returns at some point. I’m at a transition point in my career. Kind of like - OK, I got here. Now where? And I’m just tired. I could use a week at a beach.

Thoughts and strength to all!

[KENSHO]

Re: Newbies Nest

Moonking, I was so relieved when I became pregnant the second time. (In fact, at one point later, I began to wish I would get pregnant a third time so I would need to quit). I remember being in the hospital after giving birth for that second child and saying to my in-laws - gosh, I would really like a beer. And she brought me one!! It tasted awful and didn't work with the after c-section meds, so I had two sips and then not. But it became an immediate struggle after that, and I was just as addicted as ever because I never decided I would quit after the pregnancy. I wished it, but never actively decided it. I was not a bad mom, but definitely not as present as I should have been after that. I see that I taught them reactiveness and combativeness in those early years - mostly fueled by my alcohol use - an let me tell you - that's hard to un-teach. It took 5 years from that point for me to get disgusted enough to log on here. I drank every night. 2-3-4 drinks. And I would fall asleep reading books to my older child, with alcohol breath. I knew I had a problem during that second pregnancy - partly because I was so relieved to have a solid and important reason NOT to drink - but I didn't go through the steps to become sober, if that makes any sense. I regret losing those 5 years with my kids. It's a main reason I recognize my drinking now as problematic - I have been too tired to be "there" for them. I do not want to be a mom that "brushes off" her children because alcohol is more important - and I choose to stop. I also choose to stop for me - I really enjoy being there for myself too. Alcohol is a deep, dark hole for me - that once I dip a toe into, I just seem to be waist deep in a hurry. Sounds like several other spouses here are able to keep just the toe in - but that's not how I work. And even though my "hole" was never a 2-bottle a night hole - I realize that it doesn't matter. It's a hole nonetheless, and I don't want to live life in the dark.

Hugs and strength to you

[Guitarista]

Re: Newbies Nest

OK, I got here. Now where? And I’m just tired. I could use a week at a beach.

DO. IT!

Hola everyone! It's friday down under. This ain't no freakin excuse for me to take up those annoying hawkers down the street on their offer of a free ticket to fkn boozeville! No Sireee! Instead, today will be spent on a gym session looking at myself in the mirror, and a run on the beach where the chicks will also look at me......hey wait a minute! They're checking ME out, not the 2 young fella's behind me playing basketball right?......right??............have a great day/evening. :llama:

[Lavande]

Re: Newbies Nest

Good evening Nesters,

Still Thursday evening here G but I do have a yard full of chicks that would happily follow you around, ha ha! Keep on being good to yourself

I had lunch out with a bunch of old work friends today & absolutely no one thinks about drinking during the day. Some don't drink at all & some have maybe 1 per week. Good company for me to say the least

I know how hard it is to do the 'surrender' thing but honestly, there is no winning with the beast! That a$$hole AL will win every stinking time so why continue to engage him? It is hard to let go of what you are so familiar with but after you do you wonder what took you so long. I remember having such fear of the unknown ( a non-drinking, non-smoking adult). How was I supposed to jump into that character? Would it hurt? Would I be OK?
Yep, turns out I am not only OK but actually better than ever. I know each & every nester here can do the same! Give yourselves the gift of true freedom!!!

LC, glad you are here with us :hug:

Wishing everyone a safe night in the nest!

Lav

[Byrdlady]

Re: Newbies Nest

NS, what a post, I wish you’d tuck that in the Tool Box for us. Oherwise, Ill be trying to find that great post about ‘letting go’. You are so right, the regrets I have about drinking are too numerous to even name, I only have two hours til bedtime, but I have absolutley NO regrets about my decision to get sober. I only wish I had done it sooner. I dont even rememebr my 40’s, what a shame. Thank you so much for that wonderdul post.
Hope everyone has an easy evening. Byrdie

[Roobs]

Re: Newbies Nest

Hello everyone,

Wags, thinking about you and your cousin. Our neighbors just lost their 12 year old son to brain cancer yesterday. It's the most crushing loss I have ever witnessed in my life. I'm not necessarily close to them, their kids are younger than ours and they are young parents so our paths don't cross very often except saying hello on the sidewalk. The mother would post pictures of their journey through a situation they had almost no control over. Her posts were gripping, beautiful and so so tragic. I'm glad she's shared this journey if only to shed light o the fact that only 4% of the cancer money goes to children's cancer research. Wags, I can hardly comprehend the the depth of your sorrow for your cousin. Im sure she'd be very proud of you for standing up against the insurance machine and knowing she has given you the courage.

Kensho, so much of your journey is EXACTLY like mine right down to the husband being my drinking pal or pusher. One thing that has really worked for me this time around was to text or email family or friends ahead of time that I wouldn't be drinking at thanksgiving or Xmas. It was absolutely terrifying but it put the kabash on anyone pushing me. I found it helpful so that I didn't have anxiety going into a situation and trying to figure out how I would avoid drinking or what I would tell people AND it kept me accountable.You can make up your own reason if you don't want to tell them you quit. I quit right before the holidays last year. Warning people I wasn't going to drink worked for me. Like Pav, I found my sober dancing legs at the company Xmas party. I had a blast, I love dancing and it was the best way to avoid sitting at a table with people ordering drinks!

LC, you got this, I'm not sure what happened because I need to read back but please never give up. You're amazing and a valued member of this community. Stick around, keep checking in. Hugs to you!

Gman, you know those ladies have to be looking at you, who wouldn't? Right?

Gotta go get some teenagers .
Roobs