Newbies Nest

[lifechange]

Re: Newbies Nest

Hi Nesters,

yes. It's true with surrendering. NS, that is a good idea to imagine what I would do for one of my daughters. I would definitely be broken hearted to know that one of them was doing what I'm doing, treating herself so.
Kensho, I'm not exactly sure what comes up every 3 weeks. I guess deep down though, it's a fear of what comes next and of facing myself completely. By keeping up this cycle I'm always busy with "getting myself back on track", which is in itself a big job... so I never get to/let myself move on to the next level. I'm always in a sort of emergency mode.. which is something I guess I know well and in a sense feel, if not comfortable, familiar with. Honestly, I'm so exhausted with being in this state.
I really want to see and live what comes next.

Last night we had an event at work that I had to speak at.. I was so nervous I felt sick to my stomach. I didn't think of drinking.. instead I thought and said to myself, "there is no way it would be possible for you to drink, because then you couldn't even begin to hold a thought or a conversation". I know I'm a pickle and can never go back to being a cucumber. Any you are all right, that surrendering in this way, being clear and ok with the truth allowed me to be free of it.. and later it was no problem to say no to the many glasses of wine I was offered. There was one drunk guy who kept trying to persuade me to drink and I was very proud to say no to him and not to be him, in the state he was in.

Anyway, I'm looking forward to a sober weekend.. Right now I feel so grateful to be free. I don't know how to completely surrender.. forever. Because I know I've felt it before and, still, I've gone back to drinking. I guess taking each day as it comes works best for me. G-man, I like your morning routine...setting up course/purpose for the day.

ok. off to work.
Hope everyone has a good Friday..
xx

[narilly]

Re: Newbies Nest

Life- YOU CAN DO IT!! I knowyou can. You are a strong woman, it's time to embrace life and be free from the shackles of AL. I am so grateful to be sober, enjoy this sober weekend.

GMan- we are All looking at you You know it!

Hey Roobs, Kensho, My hubby was my drinking partner too. That is how we met, both drunk in a bar, drunk sex, all of that- you know what I'm talking about. Since I quit drinking he has reduced his drinking by about 95%. My kids drink less too, at least they don't drink at home and not much if we go out. I was the common denominator before. "lets all have a good time! drinks all around" Yeah right.
My counselor said to me- "boy, look at the impact you have on the people around you. Look how their drinking has changed because of you." That was an eye opener. We do impact the people around us and not always in a good way especially when we are drinking.

Looking forward to a sober weekend myself Life- Please join me everyone for an excellent sober weekend to Remember (no blackouts)

xo

[Pavati]

Re: Newbies Nest

Hi, Nest:

I missed a lot! Hi, Narilly! Of course I knew you weren't drinking, because you don't drink. Congratulations on your new job...

LC - We're here for you. Keep getting back on that horse...

...I was just as addicted as ever because I never decided I would quit after the pregnancy. I wished it, but never actively decided it.

Kensho - this is about right. Two different things. Hoping to stay sober vs. actively working to stay sober. That means surrendering. That was so freeing for me! Once I took the choice of alcohol out of my quiver, I had to pick different things to turn to when those "must have a drink" thoughts came.

NoSugar - I love when you come by and drop your pearls of wisdom.

I spent a lot of time in the first few months seeking an answer to "why?" Why was I in this situation? Why did I have to quit? Social anxiety? A very stressful job? My extreme moods? I even said to a friend, "I think I was drinking too much because I have social anxiety," and he said, "don't we all!" Ultimately, I had to accept that I was, for whatever reason, vulnerable to alcohol. I couldn't drink normally (what? someone left a half glass of wine??? Who DOES that?) That final surrender - I can't drink and have the life I want - was ultimately SO FREEING! What a relief to hop out of that cycle. It wasn't all smooth sailing after that, but taking that choice off the table paved the way for me to develop other strategies for coping with all of those drinking situations. I had several pity parties ("why me??"), and had to mourn the loss of my "friend" alcohol, but it was so worth it!

Off to work. Friday night - I am SO ready for this weekend.

xo
Pav

[moonking]

Re: Newbies Nest

Kensho, I can relate so much. I was half relieved when I got pregnant this time. My drinking was out of control and I knew that deep down, but could never make my quits stick. Hell, even after I had a miscarriage I went back to drinking until I got a positive this time. There are many nights in the short time my daughter has been around that I regret. I can remember being so angry with her as an infant because she wouldn't go to sleep and I was drunk and just wanted to go to sleep. Gosh, that hits me deep down in the guilty mom gut. The holidays I barely remember...a big thing I'm seeing in myself is what I see in my own mom. She didn't start drinking until we were much older (like middle/high school) but I very much remember thinking she would not be as emotional and dramatic (embarrassingly so) if she didn't drink so much. So when I started getting overly emotional after a few glasses...I knew I was setting the same example, only to a child who was much younger.

I was drinking beer immediately when I got home from the hospital with her. "It helps milk production!" from all my friends gave me a great excuse. But she was a baby - how many moments did I miss out on? It started slow, but progressed from there. I don't want that with this baby. I want to be sober and present. I just want to be a good mom.

Pav, I am definitely mourning the loss of my friend, alcohol. I just hope in time that mourning lessens and I can see all the positives that will come from this. I can really, truly say I never want to be black out drunk again. Or falling up the stairs drunk again. Or hide alcohol again. But there is still a part of my brain that is convinced that I can have just one or two. Just enough to feel that buzz, feel free and take the edge off.

So I think I still have a lot of work to do.

[wagmor]

Re: Newbies Nest

The conversation about surrender and its role/relationship to drinking, quitting, relapse etc are all very interesting to me. One thing I've come to realize over my years of dealing with this part of myself is this: having an alcohol problem is multifaceted, and a successful quit takes a wide variety of tools. What I mean by that is that there are at least these sides to consider:

- chemical aspects (how al affects our brains primarily, both in the "ah" relief we sometimes seek with that "one drink" and then the relapse potential when our brains crave what it has become accustomed to)

- emotional aspects (linked partially to the chemical, insomuch as the neurotransmitters impacted by al directly influence moods and emotional states) where many of us have routinely used al to avoid, soften, or even enhance certain emotions or feelings

- mental aspects (the lies society and al tell us, the false memories of our drinking days, the mirage of what that first drink would look like if we just indulged, the fuzzy recollection around the parts we'd just as soon forget)

- social aspects (pressure to do what others are doing, gatherings that seem to center around al, and the effects al has on some of us re: relieving social anxiety and/or decreasing inhibitions)

Sigh... that's probably nowhere near all of it, but those are at least three big buckets. And what I've been realizing is that:

A) We all have differing combos of ways in which we care about or struggle with al related to these buckets, and

B) The buckets require somewhat different tools if we are to successfully stay AF.

As we build our tool kits for maintaining our quits, I picture an actual tool belt for myself. And just like in life, it doesn't help me as much if I have a kit that is full of 8 different screwdrivers, but then one day I need a pair of needlenose pliers. I think, for me at least, this is part of why my first few quits didn't stick - I had loads of tools related to chemical (mainly diet and exercise), because that was both the easiest side for me to focus on and also the one I liked the most. But then I got blindsided by the need for some emotional tools. When I turned to my kit, I saw very few in there, and what was there I had no real idea how to use (especially in the stress of the moment).

So, getting back to the topic at hand... I think surrender is an important shift to consider, and it probably comprises part of the tool holder itself rather than being a specific tool we pull out. It's like the buckle on the tool belt or something, at least for some people.

I think there also comes a point where some of us have to train ourselves to reach for tools first. As a few folks have mentioned recently, if our initial reaction is something like "grab me a glass" then we're likely to forget our tools even exist. Maybe until we build the new habits of reaching first for healthier more sustainable options, we should strap our tool belts right under our chins (or across the doors to the liquor cabinet, refrigerator, or car keys - whichever is our most likely access to have that first drink). That probably looks different for everyone. But until we condition ourselves to pause, in the stress of situations that break many a quit, we're likely gonna go with the muscle memory of pouring a drink.

In reflection, I don't think I've fully developed these new reflexes. My current quit has largely been successful just because I was scared SO badly during my last drinking episode. My quit has been mightily tested this time around, and each time I've held tight to it, I've gotten stronger. And yet I still think I need to fine tune both my reflexes and my tool assortment.

How about all of you? How varied are the tools in your belt? Which ones do you use the most, and are there any you might want to practice with before the heat of the moment requires you to implement them?

Just some morning mental ramblings from Wagland, partly just for my own records and yet hopefully useful for someone else. I'll be moseying on now and will catch up with everyone again later. I hope you all have fantastic days/eves!

[narilly]

Re: Newbies Nest

Wags, that was really good. One thing that helped me was to start cultivating friends who didn't drink and just doing things that did not involve drinking. I exercised more, walked my dog, went to movies, visited my mom, went for coffee, shopping, anything that did not have to do with AL. I guess that is part of my tool kit. Changing our brains so AL is not the first thing we think of. btw Wagland sounds like a great place

Hey Pav! Hello sweet girl. You know it sista, I am not drinking because I don't- that makes two of us. It is nice to be back and I second that, I am ready for this weekend too.

Moon- it is so good that you are here and able to quit before your kids grow up. Listening to "the bubble hour" podcasts really helped me, have you checked them out? They are really good.

Have a great sober Friday everyone- Friday was always a drinking day for me, I would get a little rush of excitement when I would think of going home to have a drink after work...now I get a rush thinking that I won't be having a drink after work and that I don't have to worry about trying to moderate. Yeah!

[KENSHO]

Re: Newbies Nest

Good morning. Running, but happy to be sober.

[Guitarista]

Re: Newbies Nest

Hola nesters!

Quick check in on my way to work. great posts and food for thought above. I can't have the life i want if i drink. It's as simple as that equation right there for me, and for many of us, if not all of us. I can't have the life i want if i drink.

Edit: just remembered what i wanted to say - I can exist in my life in an ok way if i drink like i have been these last couple of years. I have had a pattern of pulling myself up before things go haywire. Maybe like you LC and Kensho? But this is no way for me to live. It's hard work, and as you said LC, most of my time is spent recovering and thinking about either drinking or not drinking. I don't have the life i want living like this. This is not living, it is existing. BORING! And a huge waste of my time. So what do i want? What do i stand for in this life, my time here on the planet? What's my mission statement? I know the answers, so i'm happy i'm doing something about it. I just need to do, and keep doing.

Wishing all a safe, sober and magical weekend. Here's looking at you kid! i mean G.

[Lavande]

Re: Newbies Nest

Good evening Nesters,

Feeling lucky that we had another perfect Fall day here
The national weather folks are now predicting a milder than usual winter too, hmm.

Wags, you got me thinking - I absolutely used my first grandson as a stay sober tool. I had to be sober if I wanted to spend any time with him, of course. I have often thought of him as my hero By the time the 2nd & 3rd grandkids were born staying sober was a non-issue because I don't drink. I would never let them down & there's no way in hell that I am going to let myself down either!!!

G, just like you, I can't have the life I want if I drink. No wiggle room in that statement either, haha.

Hello to all & wishing everyone a safe night in the nest!

Lav

[Byrdlady]

Re: Newbies Nest

Good evening, nesters.
G man, that is a great point, most of my previous life was spent trying to recover from AL. I was either planning it, drinking it, or recovering from it. My whole life revolved around AL. I couldnt imagine a life without AL now I cant imagine how I tolerated all that crap for so long. I wss SO afraid to let go, it took blind faith and courage to do and it took almost losing everything before my eyes were able to see what AL was doing TO me, not FOR me.
I believe that for all of us here, there will be a day we stop drinking. We will either choose to do it, or it will do it for us. We know one thing is for sure, AL is a problem for all of us. The only way that it isnt is to not drink it. We know that every time....EVERY time we go back to it, things are worse. It becomes harder to quit each time. We dont even get the relief we think we are going to when we go back, instead of relief, we are filled with guilt, shame, and remorse.
Moon, I wish I could show you a crystal ball with your sober future. You would find a woman who found her confidence, her center and her MindPeace. I can also show your drinking future. A life of Regret. I went that route. It sucks. You can either quit now, while you are ahead, or you can quit later, after you have lost something you love....like your self rspect, your husband, your children or your life. ALcoholism doesnt care who you are, it plays to win and it doesnt stop until it takes everything you care about. I’m hoping that you can get your head around this now. I tell you, I do not miss the S#itshow that was my life with AL. It is a substance that serves no good purpose for anyone. I used to say it helped me do my work. But if I think about it, would I want a surgeon to have a couple before he operated on me? Of course not, it impairs us. Who needs that? I promise when you shut the door on AL, you will pull out strength you didnt know you had. You CAN relax, you CAN socialize, you can do anything you wamt. Only you can arrive at that decision for yourself. But what was I clinging to? A fantasy! Something I knew wouldnt last. I wish I had let it go15 years sooner than i did Wishing the best for you and your babies.
All the best, Byrdie

[lifechange]

Re: Newbies Nest

Awesome posts...
Hit straight on the head.

Yeah, that's it, G-man. Existing. Just barely though, teetering on the edge of losing things that really matter to me. Not able to move forward or think about anything else.
I want to be done with it. Now, again, I'm focussing on self care. Meeting up with good friends who really care about me, concentrating on my girls and being a good mom, putting myself completely into my work during the hours I am there, exercise and meditation, reading again. Just doing what makes me feel good and happy.. I realised during the past few weeks of not drinking that most of my friends don't drink very much.. and don't mind at all if I don't join in. I didn't have a problem at all, didn't feel any pull to drink until I did.
Wags, I think what you said makes sense and it seems that I have some good tools.. but could use a few more. What helped you the most with the emotional issues? What were your main tools there? It helps me to just stay put and not go outside again in the afternoon/evening if I'm feeling in anyway "off". It happened a couple of times that I knew my brain was trying to trick me so I stayed put. Also not allowing any alcohol in my flat. I never have it here and that's what threw me off last time.. old friends coming to stay brought wine. And I should have told them ahead of time not to. I should have been open about the fact that I don't drink anymore. They would have understood and will understand when I tell them next time. I think what you said makes sense.. The surrendering part is there! but until my brain heals a bit more, for a longer period of time, I have to have the tools out and ready to use. Usually after a couple of weeks, I'm feeling good and maybe not thinking any more that I'm really at risk, because I don't drink.
Anyway, I'm ready now. Drinking doesn't have any place in the life I want to have.

This weekend I just have very nice things planned. After some weeks of stress I can just relax.
I hope all you Nesters have nice plans as well.. One of my favourite things about sobriety is that my perspective regarding time completely changes.. When I'm not drinking, and not fighting myself, the hours ahead of me are a gift that I cherish.
Hugs to you all!!

[Londoner]

Re: Newbies Nest

An update as I pass the 45 day mark - half way to my initial (arbitrary) 90 day goal.

- Antabuse has worked well for me. It has taken away the option to drink. Desire has never been an issue, but having the option to drink has made it far too easy to AL drink to numb anxiety and other issues. Over a decade, I have used AL more and more as a coping tool whenever I don't feel comfortable - for whatever reason.

- Would I keep using Antabuse indefinitely? Yes. That's my simple answer. I do not feel that it is a cop out. Taking away the option of AL means I have to face reality. Living with discomfort leads to growth. That's my self therapy.

- By removing the usual stimulus-response of drinking with AB, I can gradually lessen the power of that stimulus-response. I'm hoping that the power lessens to a point that AL is no longer alluring if I decide to stop AB.

- I am am being realistic with where i am at. The last decade has been a blur. I have not known myself, I've done a lot of stupid things, I've wasted a lot of time and money and do not remember most of my nights out. Not knowing myself has led to most of my anxiety. The power of those embarassing memories are lessening, but there are things that I will still have to face up to. I have a lot of catching up to do; my social skills, self development and maturity have all been stunted by AL since I turned 18. I've never really had true friends (due to my anxiety and self image issues) or hobbies (due to a lack of energy and feeling numb from bingeing), and these become harder to find as you get older I'm looking forward to finding out who I am, what I am about and being more assertive in general. I'm learning to be easier on myself and more open - two things which will let me allow others into my life, and also two things that have kept me isolated and feeling lonely.

- Taking away AL has meant that I have improved other habits too that lead to deeper growth; exercise, sleep, meditation, nutrition etc. Hangovers meant that I would not be able to keep up these habits in the past.

- 45 days is but a scratch on 10 years. There is lots of healing to happen yet, both physically, mentally and emotionally. The key is to take it day by day, do my best on the days that feel bad and don't put too much emphasis on the days that feel great.

[Mr Vervill]

Re: Newbies Nest

Good on you Londoner.
A lot of good reading here, thanks everyone.
I felt like I was just existing too, not living at all, just getting through the day, waiting to starting drinking again and checking out. Sometimes I drank when I didn't even feel like I wanted it, almost like I was forcing myself. ???? what was that about? So yes, I can have the life I want, or I can drink.

[Pavati]

Re: Newbies Nest

Hi, Nest:

Great reading.

Wags - my go tos - deep breathing. Sounds so trite, but deep, regulated, cleansing breaths (in for four, hold for four, out for eight) bring down the level of my fight or flight very quickly. I also love to walk. If my mind is driving me crazy, I'll listen to a podcast. If I need to think, I'll let my mind wander. Love the exercise/meditation/solitude that a good walk brings. And also talking with my sober friends (I have two!) or my husband about things. The friends get it, and the husband just is there for me. Coming here and the Bubble Hour podcast plus reading sober blogs keep me understanding that I am not alone in this. I am not a bad, weak person.

Londoner - amazing stuff. Keep it going.

G, Kensho, I get it. I see it like cleaning your windshield. I never knew how foggy my life actually was from alcohol - how much of my time and brain power were used thinking, drinking, recovering - until I actually cleaned that windshield. I really had no idea how much influence in the rest of my life my drinking was having, and my unexpected benefits have been truly unbelievable.

As a matter of fact, I'm off on a hike now. This one with friends - my drinking buddies. We are meeting for an early hike instead, and we're all better for it.

xo
Pav

[wagmor]

Re: Newbies Nest

Morning all, checking in with a heavy heart - my cousin passed away yesterday :sad:

I will not drink as a remembrance or tribute, and I will not drink to drown my sorrows or numb my feelings. I will grieve for sure, but I will not drink.

I also received word back that my insurance company refuses to increase their settlement offer any more than the little drop in the bucket after my first push back. I'm now left with a weekend to contemplate whether to accept the offer and move on with my life, or to contact a lawyer. I'm on the fence. I want so badly to be done with all of this. On the other hand, I know that the consequences of a car accident can linger for years or more. I'm thinking maybe consult a lawyer or two who offer free consults and see what their initial thoughts are. If they see a settlement that is at least double what I've been offered, it might be worth the trouble. Otherwise not, simply because most lawyers take 1/3 of the settlement in cases like mine.

Sigh...

I feel like my quit has truly been tested this year, and I still feel solid. Ready to be done with the tests for awhile though!

I will spend today with self-care, both physically and emotionally. I'll be back on this evening or tomorrow to catch up on everyone's recent posts.

Thank you all so much for your compassion and support over the past few months with my cousin, and this whole year with my accident. Is it 2018 yet???