Newbies Nest

[Byrdlady]

Re: Newbies Nest

Hanging in, cough, cough, cough. BLEH. Strength to all, hitting the road tomorrow for an overnight. Will try to check in. Hugs all around. Byrdie

[gettingthere]

Re: Newbies Nest

Hello, nesters!

I hope all is well you tonight. I am on Day 4 and feeling really really low right now. I've been wanting to numb myself for the last several hours and I miss the warm coziness after several drinks. I can hardly get off the couch. But I guess I would be on the couch drunk right now anyway if I could drink. I feel so useless, like I'll never feel normal again. I don't even know what normal is for me anymore. It sounds bad, but all I want to do is go to bed and sleep. I am on anti-depressants, but I don't think they have worked while I was drinking, so I need to give them time to work while I'm sober. I have taken my AB, so I simply can't drink and I'm glad overall. Just missing the warm fuzzies. How long til I get over this?

Pav and ByrdLady, sorry to hear you're not feeling well! It's that time of year I guess. Get some rest if you can!

Hasto, I am so sorry about your daughter. You sound so determined to get her back, and that's great! It's the best motivation there is to beat this thing! My girls, poor things, have seen me drunk more times than I care to even think about. They seem okay (they are young adults now), but I just want to hug them sometimes and say 'I'm SO SORRY!' You should consider the AB, but you CAN't drink. That's why it works for me....I tested a little once and it was HELL. So there is no option for me to go to the bottle right now. And I will thank myself in the morning...just at the moment I am being sentimental about what it did for me in the moment. I need to remember the million reasons why I can't and the hell it put me through. Hugs.

Have a great night everyone!

[wagmor]

Re: Newbies Nest

Ava - I do feel your hugs, thanks so much :heartbeat: And back to you - :congrats: on your new job!!! That's so awesome, and maybe is just what some of us were describing - how not getting the previous job might've been a blessing in disguise! Super happy for you.

Gettingthere - sorry you're feeling so down. You're in one of the tough stretches of days - should start to get a bit easier soon.

Hasto - that must be so hard about your daughter - my heart goes out to you.

NS - interesting to think about pain vs addiction - thanks for sharing that. How is your mom doing? And you? :hug:

Byrdie - get some good sleep and I hope you feel better for your trip!

Tuck in for a good night/day everyone. See you all tomorrow.

[Marylou123]

Re: Newbies Nest

Hi All,

A last quick check-in for today.

Ava - wow, great news on the job front.

GT - For many of us, drinking triggers can fall into one (or more) of four categories commonly referred to as HALT. When you’re missing the “warm fuzzies” take a moment to consider if you’re Hungry, Angry, Lonely and/or Tired. Right now, you might just actually be tired. That’s okay, certainly not useless. And it’s okay (not knowing your specific situation) to go to bed early or take a nap. And to munch on something yummy - like chocolate-covered almonds - a personal favorite. Good job on four days - your “new normal” can be whatever you want it to be. Early in my quit I wrote down what I wanted - from the seemingly insignificant like clear eyes in the morning to the seemingly impossible like responding intentionally rather than reacting unreasonably. I cried and cried writing that list. That was more than three years ago. And it’s ALL happened, and even more and even better.

Hugs to all peeps in the Nest - ML

[lifechange]

Re: Newbies Nest

Morning Nesters..
just a quick accountability post this a.m. running to work.
Ava, Congratulations on the new job! I am so damned happy for you.. this has been in the coming for a long time.:happy
Welcome to Gettingthere and Hasto!
I'll be back this afternoon to read more thoroughly..
G-man, great words to live by. No more B.S.!

xx all..

[Hastowork17]

Re: Newbies Nest

Day 3 and still here. Thank you for all the replies. I had another gratitude moment straight away this morning when Nirvana's Smells Like Teen Spirit came on the radio - good tune to wake me up!
I know from past attempts that with each sober day I feel brighter and more positive, but then maybe something upsets me, or maybe not even that, just the compulsion takes over and I spiral right back down in to a bottle (who am I kidding, A bottle!!) and therefore in to the self-loathing etc. My psychologist thinks I have lived a lifetime of sabotaging any chances at happiness and I think she is right. Also turns out I have a lot of "mum" issues (I was boring myself last night at our session as to how many times I spoke about my mother!) which have probably followed through in to how I relate to my daughter. After that session, I went to another AA meeting - 6 old men and 2 women who were also older than me but there is something about the rooms where I usually just feel comfortable and can relate even when I can't open my mouth and share myself. Then I took a sleeping pill (only an over-the-counter one, nothing too heavy-duty) and actually got a lovely, relatively peaceful sleep for the first time in a while.
Re my daughter - I am scared of her never coming home and I am scared of the idea that she might. I love her so much but don't feel I deserve her. I know I can't change the past but it is so so hard not to look to the future when you have a young child. But for today, I am trying just to live in this moment and try to be grateful that she has her stepmother looking after her, half-sisters and cousins to play with now she lives there, and she is happy and healthy.
I will try to post more later or tomorrow and read back a bit to get to know you all but I really appreciate everyone's support here. x

[Pavati]

Re: Newbies Nest

Hi, Everyone:

Hasto - your story is a reminder to me about how alcohol addiction works. If it were a choice, there's no way that you'd choose alcohol over your daughter - there's no way anyone would. From what I've read over the years, it is both the addiction pathway, and the "it's no use" thinking. Your daughter is only 10. Try to think of a time when you were 8? There is plenty of time for you to forge new memories with your daughter. You have to believe that you can, and you have to stay sober - one second at a time if necessary. All of these posts from old timers seem trite, I am guessing. They did to me at first. But believe, listen and follow. Follow successful sober people and ask them what they did to get there. I am still holding on firmly to the tailfeathers of Lav, Byrdie, NoSugar and my quitmate, Ava. I listen to G's "only way out is through," and value TJAF's pearls when he stops by. I can't name everyone here - but EVERY SINGLE PERSON on this site has offered something that will help. You can do this - surrender to the fact that you can't drink, and begin to form new habits. You CAN do this...

I wish I could answer everyone - great posts here. I have to run to work.

Take care of yourselves...
Pav

[moonking]

Re: Newbies Nest

Wags - I’m just figuring out my tool belt. I think part of the reason I drink so much when I’m “out” is because I have nothing else to occupy my mouth with. And I’m so afraid that I’ll say something stupid, it’s good to have something to focus on. I probably need to work on that fear. And until then, I can stick to a hot tea, espresso or big ass plate of nachos to fill my mouth with. I have good friends. The few that I choose to hang out with do drink, but don’t pressure me. I can so no and they will leave it at that. And I am so sorry to hear about your cousin. Self-care is so important.

Narilly - I’ll check out those podcasts - thanks!

Thank you, Byrdie. You have no idea how much those words mean to me. Of course the last time I went this long without a drink was when I was pregnant before, but I had no intentions to keep my quit the last time, so I missed alcohol something fierce. My mind seems to be opening more to being sober though. I’ve read stories or seen characters on TV drink too much or had hangovers and instead of thinking: “Damn it, I want a beer” I was thinking: “How freeing it is to think that I NEVER have to be that person again.” I can actively choose to never be the slurring idiot or the co-worker popping Tums. I never have to worry about driving home and getting home. I never have to worry about not waking up to hear my kids in the middle of the night or not being able to drive them to the ER when one falls out of a tree because if they are anything like me they will fall out of a tree at some point. And that feels really good. Hope you start to feel better.

Londoner - your words resonate with me so much. I started drinking at 17 and have no doubt it stunted my social and self image growth as well. I like the way you are thinking - getting to know ourselves better, find out who we really are. How cool of a journey we are embarking on. I keep trying to remember what it was like to go to bed and wake up without the thought of alcohol before age 17, but I was plagued with a debilitating eating disorder at the time so I really have no idea who the hell I am.

Hasto- I’m sorry about your daughter. This is one of my greatest fears. I can’t imagine life without my little girl. Good work going to AA and getting sober for her. You are a good mom. I can really relate to your feelings of loneliness, guilt fear, shame, etc. I’m just so sorry you are dealing with this. Here’s a big, virtual hug!!!!! And oy, could I talk to you about mom issues. I don’t even like to go there.

Gettingthere - I was on anti-depressants when I was drinking. I’m pretty sure it just made things worse for me. So you might see that they start working here really soon!

I’m trying to give myself short term goals to work on. I tend to succeed if I stop worrying about the big picture and focus on small thing. 1) Get through this pregnancy without drinking. No brainer, really. Then re-evaluate. 2) No drinking while breastfeeding. 3) Focus on getting healthy. I want to run a marathon. Eat right and exercise. I want to be able to run around with my kids and not hurt. I figure that will at least take me a good 1-2 years to accomplish and maybe by then I’ll be so far out of the alcohol game I won’t even need goals.

Hello, inthesky! I’m very early into MWO and love the support here. Such a great place, right?


I’m having a better week. Lots of drinking dreams, which scare me. In them, I’m not having a good time. I’m forcing myself to drink and I don’t know why. But I wake up terrified that I accidentally drank in my sleep. I have to reassure myself that I didn’t. I’m pretty sure I would know. Drunk me was actually really bad at hiding it, as much as I want to say I was good at it. And if I left the room our puppy would go nuts, waking my husband…so pretty sure I never left the room. I went back to the doctor and she gave me some more intense drugs for morning sickness. I think she saw my desperation when she couldn’t find the heartbeat and I freaked - not because she couldn’t find it, but because I told her how much I cannot do this morning sickness gig again. The drugs she gave me do have a small risk of birth defects, but she said I should be in the clear because I’m at the end of the first trimester, beginning of the second and everything should be fully formed by now. But they’ll continue to watch me carefully. So today and yesterday I’ve actually been feeling like a normal human being and am getting lots of work done.

Tomorrow I hit 60 days! Craziness!

[Inthesky]

Re: Newbies Nest

Good Morning All,
It is really nice to be back and see some familiar and new people posting. This site has always helped me keep accountable...It's the failure in myself that kept me away. If I have learned anything is don't do that no matter what is going on in your life .... my last time with no AL (1 month ago) did 22 days I think. I didn't ask or make myself accountable and became infected by the "forgetting gene", AKA "Relapse" or "SLIP" (Sobriety Lowering in Priority). I now have made a pledge to myself today to keep building the army inside me to fight the chaos trying to get in! This is something that I believe is a battle we all have in the beginning or maybe forever....I don't have that knowledge. We forget to put ourselves first, we carry burdens that aren't ours, we give so much of ourselves we don't grow, we just exist. I didn't quite understand "Protecting Sobriety" like I do now, I want to grow and be the person I know is inside me, I have opened the toolbox before, but in self reflection I didn't utilize them or ask how to use them effectively. I assumed I knew what was the best tools to use and how to use them....kinda like using a shovel to stir my coffee. Lol
My hearing has also been restored, the wood block between my ears is now ready to listen, not argue or try to reinvent the wheel. I can't do this alone, but WE can...Please keep posting!
There is just so much going on I need a little reading to catch up on here! Thank you everyone!

[Inthesky]

Re: Newbies Nest

I have a question...when I drink I can't look at myself in the mirror...anyone else experience this?

[Marylou123]

Re: Newbies Nest

Hi Sky - when I was drinking, I could pretty much do it anywhere. However, I like what I see a whole lot more now. Posting every day, even multiple times if the spirit so moves you, is a fantastic way to stay accountable and supported.

The weather here is finally cooling down - love having the windows open. We’re planning to go to the park on Thursday and the high is only going to be 74! I’m actually looking forward to squeezing into a new pair of jeans (that are probably age-inappropriate but IDC!)

Have a wonderful day- ML

[available]

Re: Newbies Nest

morning nesters

You are sounding good moon, keep building up your strength for when you have the baby. I remember i drank straight after i gave birth for breast feeding purposes of course. i just needed an excuse and i seemed to find plenty of excuses. If you have the tools in place you will be fine. Oh those drinking dreams, i look at mine as a wakeup call of why i dont want to feel that way. That al voice will try and pull you in and down if you let it. I wish i had your opportunity to enjoy every hour/minute/day sober with my children that you will have. I cant take back the past but i so wish i had not drank now, it is what it is. Luckily they can appreciate me sober now and have me here to be with them.

Hasto, learning to live sober is hard work when we have only been used to living life drunk. I was talking to my 24 year old son last night and we talked about how hard it is to see al in your face each and every day, everywhere you go and see those happy smiling faces. only we know that there is no happiness in a bottle, there is only pain and agony and escape. He has a drinking issue so he is a work in progress but i am happy to say he is finding his way out with my support. I can only hope he does not get to where i was before my drinking career ended. He asked me last night where i think i would have been today if i had not given up drinking nearly 4 years ago and my first response was dead, my second was i would not be working, 3rd i would have major health issues, 4th i would be up to 3+ bottles a day and drinking in the morning till pass out. Not a very rosy life for myself is what i saw but we need to just take it as it is, as long as i dont drink i am okay and life will move on. Even today with all the stress of life i still know that if i dont drink then i will be okay, as soon as i have one drink i am dead, i need to keep those thoughts and i need to protect my quit each and every day.

Sky, when i came on here i had no tools, i blindly thought i could do this and it would be easy. the long timers seemed to have it nailed. i kind of listened and i kind of thought, i know what i am doing. well obviously that didnt work after a few relapses but when i got on task and decided to ask, listen and learn then i managed to get through each day. there were hard days and not so hard days but now i have easy days that run concurrently though i will always be conscious i am an alcoholic i have all the tools to protect myself. I have wrapped myself in support so i can always be accountable. Oh god i never looked in the mirror when i was drinking, i didnt really see a face, i didnt want to look. that face had too much pain, sadness, guilt and shame in it. I looked to put makeup on but i didnt connect with myself, i didnt like the person i glanced at. Now i can see a woman that is as she should be, wrinkly, but happy and alive, there is no pain anymore.

well today i get to sign my contract if the money is right. my village idiot boss is just being a total moron. telling me i have to give a months notice then telling me i can leave asap. since he has never liked me, i am just smiling at him. his clanger was i wont have anything to do in this new job and god knows why they are wasting money to employ someone to do it. i replied with it will be nice to have a break after working my arse off for ten years. i have offered to come and help if i am not busy which he politely ignores. i am just going to sit back and smile at the chaos that will ensue. all of the drs are happy and cant wait to have me so now i tell them i cant wait get a clipboard and pretend i am a dr also.

Take care x

[narilly]

Re: Newbies Nest

Hasto, Sky, Moon, so good to see you here. Stick with it, it's worth it! Like I say 'its persistance not perfection'. No one is perfect but we all can do this. It took me years and years of trying to quit before I finally was able to.

When I was first sober I drank everything except AL. Kombucha, hot chocolate, soda water with lime or whatever non AL thing war around, root beer and lots of coffee. I still drink lots of coffee and I don't feel bad about it because at least I am not drinking AL.

It is so nice to wake up every morning feeling good and be able to live to my full potential. Focus on other things besides AL. The weather, shopping, watching TV, going to the movies, eat at restaurants where you are not a regular so you won't feel the need to drink. Go to the tool box and read, there are lots of good tips there. Just think about today and not too far off into the future.
Keep coming back!

xo
Don't drink today.

[narilly]

Re: Newbies Nest

AVA! Way to go, good things come to good people. I agree with NS, wow, what a change since you first started. xoxo

[Inthesky]

Re: Newbies Nest

When drinking AL I tend to hide material things either from myself or my otherhalf...usually I look a few days and they turn up...like my phone, wallet, money, alcohol etc.... I've been looking for my sunglasses and an envelope of moneyfor a week and still haven't found them...but did find my phone and wallet in two different places... this is so embarrassing....looking for suggestions if you hid something where would you hide it?