Newbies Nest

[Lavande]

Re: Newbies Nest

Good evening Nesters,

It makes me happy to see so many folks checking in & reporting their successes.
It makes an old bird like me not care too much if most of my tail feathers have been pulled out, ha ha!! The more we lean on each other the better off we are, no kidding

Byrdie, I sure hope you feel better soon. Sorry you have to deal with a road trip too.

Someone mentioned drinking dreams, ugh! They used to scare the sh*t out of me. I finally learned to view them as little gifts from the universe & accept them as gentle reminders that I don't drink anymore. I had the extra stress of having smoking dreams as well because I quit smoking a few months after I quit drinking. There's just no way I will give up my quits & have to go thru all that again, LOL

Wishing everyone a safe night in the nest!

Lav

[Byrdlady]

Re: Newbies Nest

Survived dinner where everyone drank but me. No problems. Went to a fish olace, well I dont eat fish. We had a great time anyway ,nice people. Im beat, got up at 3:30 this morning about to call it a day. Hugs to all, Byrdie

[Guitarista]

Re: Newbies Nest

Happily on the sober train and sticking to it. A bit of man flu today, so laying low having a quiet one. It's kinda nice not rushing around. I want to be my best, look my best and go for that treasure. Hope you're resting blissfuly Byrdy.

Big waves to all.

[lifechange]

Re: Newbies Nest

Such a busy Nest!
I love it.. coming here each morning before work to read gives me strength. Knowing that I'm on the right path and having the support/being part of a group on the same path helps immensely. So thank you all for being here. :hug:
ok. Off I go..

[Mr Vervill]

Re: Newbies Nest

Graet to hear of the new job, Ava! You've come a long way.

[Roobs]

Re: Newbies Nest

Good morning nesters,

Congratulations Ava!! You sound like a woman no one can mess with, strong and confident! Good for you. I'm still working on finding my confidence and conviction. Everyday I don't drink, I get closer to the person I'm meant to be.

I've been a little ho hum about my life without alcohol, some thoughts of "I wasn't so bad, am I really an alcoholic, etc..." then I found a bag of books and journals that I hid in my closet. The journals are full of drinking remorse stories and the books are about "responsible drinking, sober for good, and the MWO book that I bought in 2007! So yeah, I'm an alcoholic. It was a painful reminder of how long I've struggled with my drinking. It was also a timely reminder that the life I live now is so much richer without the shackles of alcohol.

Happy sober hump day everyone. I'm so grateful for this community.
Roobs

[Pavati]

Re: Newbies Nest

Hi,

Congratulations, Ava. You've been hating that guy for a while...

I've come down with the full-blown cold/cough of autumn. The worst part is not sleeping. The best part is that I know it will be over...

Happy Hump Day.

Pav

[moonking]

Re: Newbies Nest

60 days here! Woohoo! Looking forward to 90.

So sorry some of you are down and out with a cold/flu. A cold just flew threw my household and it's no fun when everyone feels like crap. Hope you all get better soon!

Last night was my first drinking dream night free in awhile. Not sure if it's because I actually got good sleep or what, but it's nice to not wake up in a panic. Now to work on sleep paralysis next...

[Hastowork17]

Re: Newbies Nest

Day 4 and feeling very tearful and wobbly. My daughter's stepmum has said today that she doesn't want to see me this coming weekend as planned. I can't even admit she was right, yes I did drink and ask for forgiveness because it is a condition of me seeing her at all that I stay abstinent, hence starting EtG and breathalyser testing this weekend was scheduled as my time with her was due to increase (and the tests finally arrived in the post). What is the point of it all.
I don't have an AA meeting tonight as I have my final Mindfulness class. Thank goodness, as it turns out I am about as good at that as I am at giving up drinking. I don't have cash or any immediate means of getting any to buy booze as I have given my bankcard to my mum but that isn't the point - I need to be able to do the food shopping and stuff like a normal human and trust myself not to buy alcohol even when I am upset. Or lonely. So d amn lonely except for that 1.5 hours a day spent in a meeting (usually).

[Inthesky]

Re: Newbies Nest

Good Morning all,
Wishing everyone with these colds/flu a speedy recovery.
Hasta your doing great! As the mentors here have said go to the toolbox and look and read everything you can. I have also learned that everything happens for a reason. This time alone is hard but your ment to do it for a reason, perhaps you need to pamper your self with a bath, watch a movie, make a sinful chocolate cake (eat it all lol) , journal, nap when you want, learn to meditate. You could always reach out to a friend and go for coffee. I seen this quote the other day not sure who wrote it "be gentle on yourself! You are meeting parts of yourself you have been at war with" this resonated with me as I too am just becoming acquainted with the woman inside me let's just say we don't mesh on all our ideas LOL.

Have a great sober day everyone

[lifechange]

Re: Newbies Nest

Hi Nesters,

Hasto, my heart goes out to you..I found the first days AF tearful and wobbly as well, and without the added stresses you have. I'm not in any position to give advice.. so I won't. But I guess if I were in your situation, I would try to keep it in the moment, but with my eye a bit in the future. You have to take each day as it comes and just concentrate on staying sober. After some time, you will prove by doing, that you aren't going to drink. I can imagine it must be so difficult. With regards to lonliness, is it possible for you to attend more meetings? Or to meet up with some people from your Mindfulness class outside of class? Or make some phone dates with people here? Most would be open for it if you send a personal message and ask. You are doing a great job thus far!! Let the Nesters know what we can do to help further..:hug:

Ava, big congrats on your new job. I am sooooo happy you'll be leaving the village idiot. Though I'll miss hearing about him from time to time.. it always make me laugh (sorry, i know it isn't really funny, but how you describe it is..). Can't wait to hear about the new digs..

G-man, hope you'll be feeling much better soon.. you, too, Pav. and Byrdie!!!

Moon, Congrats on 60 days!! well done. I admire the way you are letting it all out, laying it on the line, spelling out how you are feeling, the concerns you are having, how you are dealing. It seems to me that you are using this time so wisely.. to figure out how you feel and how you work, to set yourself up for success after the birth. I also stopped drinking during my pregnancies, but at the time I was so unaware that I had a problem (though in hindsight I definitely did!) that nothing changed afterwards. I see new moms that I know now who don't have a problem with AL.. and it's no question that they just don't drink. They deal with the same problems and stresses we all have by dealing with them.. I wish I had been able to do that. Here's to restful, nice-dream sleep!!

Wags, thank you for your supportive posts.. I hope you are doing alright, too..:hug:

Sky, I also can not bear to look at myself in the mirror when I'm drinking. I can't look myself in the eye, I can't look anyone in the eye. For me it is pure shame, letting myself down, lying to myself again and again. I look so forward to being at the point Ava described.. though I usually begin to notice just after a couple of weeks how much more open and happier I am.. It shows through me.. whatever I'm feeling.

ok. I have to cook some dinner, though I'm not at all in the mood. Not in any way inspired..Today at work I made the second worst soup I've ever made. No one could deny it!! I was a bit embarrassed, but on the other hand, it can't always work out.. I'm trying to figure out what I learned from that mistake.. ha!
xx

Edit: loved what you said, Sky, about being gentle with yourself.. reminds me as well of what people often say.. treat yourself as you would a loved one who's sick.. take special care of yourself. You deserve to be healthy and happy, Hasto!! We all do..

[Hastowork17]

Re: Newbies Nest

Thank you Lifechange and Inthesky for replying so quickly (UK time!). Now I have calmed down a bit, I am strangely relieved not to see her this weekend. And that makes me feel so so guilty in another way. I am due to speak to her on the phone tomorrow and she will be defensive already and ready to argue that she doesn't want to see me, expecting me to try to persuade her. I am hoping to keep calm and suggest either I bring my mum and the dog down as well and we just go for a walk for a while (takes the pressure off me too, rather selfishly) or we have another week apart so she can calm down and I'll do more tests etc and meet the weekend after. It feels like a huge set-back but it is my fault so I have to take responsibility (at least in being honest with myself if nobody else) and pray that this too shall pass and all that malarkey.
As for the loneliness - a few people at work know she no longer lives with me but not why and I make out that I'm fine with it and "have" her at weekends which I expect people take to mean as she stays with me and all is good. So I can't let anyone get close to me in case they find out the truth so I keep everything very superficial and keep people at arm's length cos I don't want people to find out what I really am. I have no friends nearby and the few I have left in other areas only know some of the story for the same reasons. Only on the odd occasion I can open up at AA meetings do I let it out. It is exhausting being frightened and ashamed all the time, waiting to be "found out" and hated.

[lifechange]

Re: Newbies Nest

Hasto, I know the feeling of being relieved that the kids aren't with me.. and I think that if you are working on yourself and your sobriety, you shouldn't at all feel guilty. To be honest, for me, it's a full time job in the beginning to stay on track.. The added stress that comes with kids can be too much. So you know she is being well looked after. It sounds like a nice plan to bring your mom and dog along.. takes away some of the pressure. Maybe you can just enjoy yourselves together. I guess this all involves rebuilding a relationship.. which of course takes time. But in being honest and showing up, you're doing your part. It's good you can open up and be honest at meetings.. and here.. you're on the right path!

[NoSugar]

Re: Newbies Nest

I've been a little ho hum about my life without alcohol, some thoughts of "I wasn't so bad, am I really an alcoholic, etc..." then I found a bag of books and journals that I hid in my closet. The journals are full of drinking remorse stories and the books are about "responsible drinking, sober for good, and the MWO book that I bought in 2007! So yeah, I'm an alcoholic.

It is easy for me to convince myself that I've overreacted and that I'm not really addicted to alcohol. Because I drank alone and secretly, I don't even have anyone (other than you guys!!) who will reassure me that I really was "that bad". But -- all I have to do is picture myself in a dark kitchen opening the spout of cheap boxed wine directly into my mouth and know that I had a serious problem. A non-addict wouldn't consider doing that and would be shocked and horrified that someone would. I also remember the crazy shopping habits I developed -- as if the clerks in the store were fooled (or for that matter, really cared). Non-addicts don't buy things they don't want or need to mask the big boxes of wine in the cart, nor do they deliberately shop alone several times per week, or hide some of the "purchases" after lugging them home. Yeah, I was THAT BAD.

It is exhausting being frightened and ashamed all the time, waiting to be "found out" and hated.

Living a lie sucks the soul right out of a person, Hasto. I felt like my entire life was a lie because from the outside, it looked like I had everything a person could want. I appeared to be large and in charge of everything. The fact is, I was totally controlled by addiction and it took all of my energy to try to make sure no one found out. Over time, as the addiction worsened, I had to isolate myself more and more in order to continue to live the lie. I only told the truth once I came here and like they say, the truth can set you free. And being free of addiction is one of the greatest freedoms of all.

As for being gentle in the early days, I became an expert hedonist (other than drinking). If it felt good, I did it - as often as I wanted to. And if it didn't, I didn't do it. I was essentially a hermit, snuggled under blankets because I was freezing, reading MWO and everything else I could find about addiction. I didn't cook much, didn't exercise, didn't socialize. I pretty much sat around and healed. Other people need to get out and exercise or develop a new hobby. That's fine, too. Find what works and do it - don't worry about others for awhile. Take care of yourself and you'll find that over time, the rest works out in a way it could have never done if you'd continued to drink. xx, NS

[lifechange]

Re: Newbies Nest

Thanks for that, NS..