Newbies Nest

[available]

Re: Newbies Nest

morning nesters

Hasto, the point is your child and yourself. if you dont stop drinking and get rid of al you want have what you want most in life and that is your child. as we all say "we choose al or we choose a life" and believe us when we say it does get easier. since we used al as a crutch with stress especially it is very hard to figure out what to do initially but at the end of the day as long as we dont drink then we are doing ok. If you gave your mum your card ask her to buy you groceries or go shopping with her. our al voice will give us excuses time and time again so we can cave in. i went shopping at 7am as the bottle shops werent open, i stayed home for weeks and weeks so i would not be enticed to buy al and i knew deep down i would. i needed to find some tools to cope and i did by coming on here, reading and looking after me. i slept when needed, ate when needed, talked when needed and reached out when needed. we all may have a different story but we are all alcoholics. sending you hugs and strength, you can do this, stay on here.

happy 60 days king, great work and keep it up.

Roobs, thank you. i remember at work this boss bullied me no end when i drank and i let him as i hated myself so much. today he is a total tool who told me the biggest clanger yesterday of not making any testing appointments till february next year. how the hell do you do that in a hospital and without the new professors knowledge is beyond me. so i told the new prof and have a meeting with him. i also asked him not to mention my name as he will make my life a living hell and all done with a smile on his face. i cant and wont be walked over anymore. its not me. so glad you found those old stories of yourself. i know i have no hope in hell of ever stopping if i start again and after nearly 4 years i never ever want to drink again.

LC you will still hear about the old boss i am sure. the good thing is he wont be able to blame me for him not doing anything. i have a feeling he wont be around in 6 months if he does not get it together. he makes me laugh too bless him. if only he knew that he gives people some joy.

i took the job, more money which is great and no idea where i will be situated as the hospital is at full capacity staff wise. i dont care as long as i am not where i am. apparently i start in 2 to 4 weeks but i am going to ask for asap. i can feel the shit going to hit the fan in the next few days. i feel grateful that i wont stand down to this man anymore, that i stand up for me and what i believe in and do it logically.

oh well off to work. take care x

[Guitarista]

Re: Newbies Nest

Day 4 and feeling very tearful and wobbly. not to buy alcohol even when I am upset. Or lonely. So d amn lonely except for that 1.5 hours a day spent in a meeting (usually).

Hiya Hasto. Great job on day 4! Geez, sounds like a real tough time you're going through there. Emotional stress was/is the big danger for me. Being in that stressed state i'd very easily and quickly turn to the bottle for some quick relief and comfort. Trouble with that strategy is - off i'd go again on the merry go round of emotional pain and stress. Wild assumptions, thoughts of self destruction, self sabotage, and worthlessness. A lot of thinking that had no logic or evidence to back it up. It sure can be a tough one controlling our thoughts. But we can. More meetings to keep you busy and focused? Though some can be downright depressing, others can be uplifting. Nature is a great healer and stress buster too.

Dunno if you play a musical instrument, sew, weave, make furniture, do the dishes, but any of these things can take our mind off stressful thoughts if only for a few seconds, then with practice, maybe a few minutes, and build from there. That's your mindfulness right there. No right or wrong way, no stress. Keep at it if it's available to you. Meditation: No right or wrong way. I just breathe and when my mind drifts away attaching to a thought, it's ok. I try to gently bring my focus back to my breathing and stomach movement. Try this as Pav suggested earlier - Breathe (from lower stomach) in for 4, hold for 4, breathe it all out for count of 8. This might be a simple way to give yourself some time out and a break from stressful thoughts if only for a few seconds. There is always hope. You are here posting on a forum for problem pissheads and that is a massive statement in self care and self respect. Don't forget that.

Congratulations on 60 days Kingy! Wowza! :yay:

Feeling better here. All that garlic yesterday probably helped. Get well soon those with the flu. Take it easy out there.

[Lavande]

Re: Newbies Nest

Good evening Nesters,

Starting to feel a bit chilly outside. Has the never ending summer finally come to an end? Who knows?

Moonking, CONGRATS on your 60 AF days :welldone:
I'll bet you are proud of your accomplishment & you should be. Keep moving forward, don't look back!

Hasto, I remember feeling lonely, sad & scared when I quit. But I took the word of others before me & I just kept piling on those AF days. You do the same & have no regrets. You'll be surprised how good you feel in just a few weeks, Your confidence & sense of self-trust will return as well. Your daughter & everyone in your life will be amazed, happy & proud of you. Of course we will also be very proud of you - you can do this

Ava, the new job sounds great, I am very happy for you!

I hope all the sickies are recovering nicely

Wishing everyone a safe & cozy night in the nest!

Lav

[Inthesky]

Re: Newbies Nest

My higher power was with me today! When they say to watch for the signs ... I kinda thought it was corny. I am a believer NOW.

I was having a very hard day today, sitting in the dark writing in my journal soaking in self pity, head felt full, anxiety maxed and crying trying to release some of these awful feelings. My pen stopped working, not normally a big deal but became a deal breaker for me. So I jump in my truck and head to the store still teary eyed and get my new improved pens (20) just to make sure I won't run out again. Leaving that store I figure I should go to pick up cigarettes...feeling a bit better...almost good enough for a bottle of wine. I go into another store and buy cigarettes, the guy behind the counter says "my god I'm glad I don't smoke anymore look at the cost of these things" I relied "it's my only vice since I quit drinking but, it's the next thing on my list to go"..(First person that I have openly told I have given up AL). Now I have cigs I'm on my way to the AL store (convinced myself I need that bottle), except on comes the radio with the song by Wilson Phillips "Hold On". So instead I went and looked at a couple local gyms that I may join. Not 5 minutes in the door and a dear friend calls me and has invited me and hubby to a spiritual retreat in November on the Island where I have to be for hubby's appointments. Everything just seemed to fall into place when I had lost all hope. Life is good so much better sober.

[narilly]

Re: Newbies Nest

Hang in there Hasto.
Nice to read everyone’s posts.
Hope you feel better soon Pav.

I am going to sleep now, have a good night!
Xo

[lifechange]

Re: Newbies Nest

Quick fly by on my way to work.. wishing everyone a nice Thursday..
Hang in there!
xx

[Hastowork17]

Re: Newbies Nest

Good morning from a rather grey UK. Day 5 for me. As I've noticed before, I can already see that my face is less puffy, my stomach is settled and my appetite is back in a big way! I just gave the organiser of our work Christmas lunch my menu choices and it turned out she hasn't even asked for them yet! That is me just thinking of my stomach already.
I actually slept really well last night after my Mindfulness class, and did not want to get out of bed on this cold dark morning but I did some mindful breathing, said my morning prayer to ask for a sober day and here I am.
I am going to try and read more of the Toolbox today - what I have read so far is interesting and I think will be useful. The two main things that usually trip me up are (1) a case of the fcuk-its. Either "the worst has happened so what difference will it make", or just a general; "who cares, nobody to answer to" attitude I can talk myself in to. (2) Or when my head gets too full of all the shameful things I've done and how I've let everyone down that I then use copious amounts of wine to shut it off and get some peace momentarily. And obviously it is only ever worse afterwards.
Trying a different AA meeting tonight - I have previously been to a women-only one on Thursdays but sometimes there are only 3 of us which I find awkward and too much pressure to speak and share. So I am going to a bigger and what I have heard to be uplifting meeting tonight and hopefully giving a lift to a guy who is new in and only been to one meeting. I am worried he is getting a bit too attached to me so I want to introduce him to other men he can turn to rather than me, although it is of course nice to have a "friend" also trying from the early days of a quit.
I will check back in later in the day I expect. Take care everyone.

[Pavati]

Re: Newbies Nest

Hi, All:

Hasto - have you considered one-on-one therapy for a bit? I found that having a single person holding me accountable every week was useful to me. I could lie to myself, but not to her...

Sky - that was dangerously close. What is in your toolbox so you don't come that close next time? How can you avoid that situation again?

My friend gave me a mindfulness coloring book and some pencils. I didn't get it at first, but now I do. I can sit and color while I listen to a podcast or some music, and my crazy brain gets a moments rest. A new tool...

Off to work. Others are calling in sick as this crud is going through the staff. I get irritated when they do - we all feel like crap and now the rest of us have to pick up your slack. Grrr.

But I am grateful for my job that I actually do like, and for another day sober.

Pav

[moonking]

Re: Newbies Nest

Hasto - my heart goes out to you. I haven’t been in your situation, but I agree with Inthesky - be gentle to yourself. Let yourself heal in this time. It has to be so hard not to see your daughter, but I know she will be proud of you when she calms down and sees what you are willing to do for her. I do understand the fear of being found out though. No one in my life right now knows I think I have a problem. I still haven’t talked to my husband about it, although I need to. I don’t think people need to know the exact reason to still be empathetic towards your situation. And I don’t think people will hate you. This is a very real disease. I too used alcohol to forget all the stupid shit I’ve done in my life. I always just wanted those voices to shut up.

Thank you, LC. I am trying to figure this whole thing out and in the past lying to myself has obviously not worked, so I guess honesty is the best way to go. I think my biggest motivator is I just don’t want my kids to feel like I feel towards my mom. I don’t want a volatile relationship with her where we walk on eggshells and sugar coat things by pretending they aren’t as bad as they are. My mom and mine relationship has improved so much in the last few years because I’ve been able to set healthy boundaries (husband has helped so much in that regard) but there is still a lot of hurt from my childhood that I’m having trouble letting go of. I don’t want that for my kiddos. With my first pregnancy I wasn’t ready to admit something was wrong either - I went back to my normal ways! I mean, dark beer is great for milk production, right?? A glass of wine helps you relax with a newborn! It’s just that no one knew my glasses of wine were actually whole bottles. :-/

NS - It’s so easy for me to pretend that I don’t have a problem, or that it wasn’t that bad. Everything on the outside seems so perfect to those looking in. But they weren’t seeing me in a dark kitchen either, that boxed wine spout continuously draining into my glass. I mean, people who don’t have a problem with alcohol don’t gulp and guzzle wine as fast as they can when their husband leaves the room to take the dogs out.

Day 61 and working from home after the pup had surgery. Love working from home because I can look at the sun and be in my pajamas AND be so much more productive on my lunch break. Now that I’m feeling relatively normal I’ve been able to knock so much off the to do list to prepare for the upcoming winter and it feels so good. Makes me feel so much more at ease. As I do more self reflection, I’m thinking I might need to go back on anti-anxiety meds after birth. There is one that so many people swear by, but scares me because of weight gain…but I think if I’m not drinking I might not actually have that weight gain problem (do you know how many calories are in a bottle of wine?!?!) Although it never deterred me in the past, I think I can use anti-anxiety medicine as a good excuse to stay sober. I don’t want to be on them forever, but I sure would like to know what it’s like to not live in an anxious mind. I think being sober will greatly help with that - if I can let go of the past.

[wagmor]

Re: Newbies Nest

Hasto - my heart goes out to you, as it sounds like a very difficult situation you're in. All you can do is keep taking steps forward, and maybe this extra weekend will let you really invest in yourself and your sobriety. Sending you strength :heartbeat:

Sky - I agree, that sounds like you came awfully close! Glad things aligned for you so well in the time after shopping - sounds like something good to look forward to. One thing I haven't seen mentioned recently but that seems to work wonders for people is the 15-minute rule: when you've reached a point where you're ready to say "feck it" (thanks for the turn of phrase Byrdie!), make yourself wait 15 minutes - walk around the block, do a 15-min project, listen to 5 songs on the radio - whatever works for you. These strong urges to give in and pick up a bottle often pass fairly quickly and by the time 15 mins is up, you might find that your strength to quit has returned. If not, immediately begin another 15 mins. A few rounds is usually all it takes for your brain and body to ride out the urge and for your rational decision making skills to return.

NS and Roobs - it sure is easy to temporarily fool ourselves into thinking we weren't "so bad" isn't it? In some ways, I can see it being helpful to have something like that bag of books and journals tucked away as reminders of reality. I don't have anything like that, but sometimes I do go back and read my early posts here on MWO - from both quits. That tends to ground me right away!

Ava - huge congrats on the job, escaping the horrible boss, and more money!!! Woohoo for you!!!


Things are ok in wagland - still processing the grief from my cousin's death, trying to help other family members work through theirs as well. This is the first big/close loss for many of my cousins (4 siblings of the one who passed), and since I've been through a similar illness and death with my mom, I'm trying to bring whatever sympathy and empathy I've got to bear in order to help ease their pain a bit.

On the insurance settlement front, I decided to give up and accept. I weighed everything out and calculated that even with a lawyer the settlement would maybe double at best. Then the lawyer takes a third, so I'm back down to an amount not significantly higher than I was most recently offered. I just don't have the emotional energy to go through a legal battle, and I don't think the payoff would be worth it. To me, there is more value in closure and moving on, shutting the door on this chapter and reclaiming my life as best as I can. But insurance companies are pretty high on my sh*t list today. I apologize if any nesters happen to work for one, but it sure does seem like the system is completely rigged against people and for the profit of the companies. Grrrr.....

It sure does feel good getting through all of this sober though. There have been (and still are) times where I really want to escape all of these hard feelings - I want to just be numb for a few hours or days - but I KNOW that is an illusion and it would do nothing but bring more difficulty. Oh, and then there's the fact that I don't drink!

Sometimes I forget how powerful that last statement is, but when it comes right down to it, I think it's the best of all.

Happy days and eves to everyone! Hope those who are ailing all feel better soon :hug:

[NoSugar]

Re: Newbies Nest

It’s so easy for me to pretend that I don’t have a problem, or that it wasn’t that bad. Everything on the outside seems so perfect to those looking in. But they weren’t seeing me in a dark kitchen either, that boxed wine spout continuously draining into my glass. I mean, people who don’t have a problem with alcohol don’t gulp and guzzle wine as fast as they can when their husband leaves the room to take the dogs out.

At least you used a glass :egad:

I've been thinking about your situation, moonking. Pregnancy clearly is a good reason not to drink and it is interesting how many women can relatively easily give it up for the baby but then go back to drinking after birth (or after breastfeeding is done). I wasn't a drinker back in those days but I did give up coffee when I was pregnant and nursing twice and went right back to it at high doses once those were past so I understand the pull of an addiction (that you haven't yet decided to be done with forever). But, with alcohol, overdrinking at any time is bad for you and for your child who is no longer completely dependent on you but still needs you to be the best you can be. A child is not safe with a drunk parent in charge. And, like you said,

I think my biggest motivator is I just don’t want my kids to feel like I feel towards my mom.

I know this reveals my age, but you won't believe how fast the years your kids are at home go. It's a hard adjustment for many of us when they leave and what you don't want is regret that you weren't the mom you wanted to be.

I hope you are ready to do this for yourself (YOU ARE WORTH IT!) but there is nothing wrong with an external excuse like the welfare of your child or because you're taking a medicine that alcohol can interact with. You are able to abstain for the sake of your child now and I really hope you can see that he or she will need for you to do that in the coming years, too. Congratulations on your 60 days! :heart: NS

[moonking]

Re: Newbies Nest

NoSugar - oh yes, always used a glass. My lack of coordination when sober wouldn't allow me to drink right from the spout! Bottle of wine though? Psh, no glass needed there.

You're right, it is "easy" to give up alcohol for the baby and even through nursing. Sort of like my own anti-alcohol medicine. I know the real work will come when I'm no longer pregnant. I want to do this for me and I think I'll get there, right now just setting up some fail safes I suppose. Every time I think, "Well, just one glass won't hurt" I can remind myself of the meds I'm on or how I want to get up early and work out.

Time goes so fast. I have to remind myself of that every time I want to speed through a stage. I don't want to regret the mom I am or am going to be. No alcohol will help me do that. I know I'll screw up - we're all human after all - but I can at least tell myself it wasn't because of alcohol.

Thank you for the kind words. Means a lot and helps keep me motivated!!!!

[empyr3al]

Re: Newbies Nest

Hey it's been a while for me in the nest, so I'm going to try to catch up! So many windows open, the cafe, join the army, etc. Two threads on theendofmyaddiction, sometimes benzobuddies, tsm, drugs.com, webmd, bluelight (which is kinda extreme, but worth a look of if you have concurrent disorders).... Thank god for multiple monitors and tons of ram!

[Guitarista]

Re: Newbies Nest

Hola Nesters,

Empy, good to see you. Don't go crosseyed!

Great posts above Wags and Sugar babe. Thank you.

Mindfulness, breathing, self awareness. All good anxiety busters. So much for me to explore in this field.

All good here. Gig tonight. Take care out there.

[narilly]

Re: Newbies Nest

Just want to say a quick hi.
Hang in there Moon and Hasto! You can do it, you ARE doing it.

I am busy at work so I will check in later.
xo
Don't drink today.