Newbies Nest

[Byrdlady]

Re: Newbies Nest

Evening, Nesters.
Long, busy day trying to get to a stopping place so I can take off next week. So far, I have two conference calls for Monday. Oy.

Kensho, I thought the world would surely stop revolving if I stopped drinking. Amazingly, it didnt. Imagine that. If you think about it, does anyone’s drinking REALLY matter to you? Have you ever had LESS of a good time if someone else didnt drink? Probably not. Even in my heaviest drinking days, I found a way to drink, even if others around me didnt,.....didnt stop me at all! When AL was extremely important to me, I felt as if it was as imprtant to everyone else. Guess what? AL is only really important to us alkies. I placed WAY too much importance on it and I gave it its power. Once you quit for good, you will see that many of the obstackes you are encountering are self inflicted. It is incredible the power it has over us. I promise you this...quit for a year and see if you still feel this way next year at this time.
Ive also found that unless and until I got my hubs on board, I wasnt successful. He doesnt have to know all, but he knows I can never drink again safely, in any amount. Maybe going to therapy together would help. Worth a try. Im not the biggest Dr Phil fan, but I can see him saying, ‘So how is your way working out for you?’ Maybe its time to REALLY try something new. I found that my hubs was either going to be part of the problem, or part of the solution. I made him part of the solution, now he’s my biggest advocate. Does he wish I could drink with him occasionaly? Absolutely, but he also wishes we were rich and I was retired, thats not happening either. Im not an AA’r either, but they have a saying that bears repeating....To thine own self be true. Stick with this, you know in your heart of hearts its the right thing to do. It certainly was for me, and now, I couldnt be happier or more relieved.
Hope everyone has an easy evening. Byrdie

[Lavande]

Re: Newbies Nest

Good evening Nesters,

Great posts from everyone today

Kensho, I'm thinking your husband is probably a touch more ignorant of the science of addiction than mine....just a touch. What I am trying to say is, regardless of his opinions & attitudes only you know what is best for you right? And as far as the rest of the family goes, screw them! Who cares what they want or have to say? This is absolutely the time for you to turn your attention to what you want & need. Press the ignore button on the rest of them & you won't be sorry!

Moon, I have the same size lot but I will not put out the $$ to fence it in, I'm too cheap. I know from experience that having a fenced yard doesn't solve all the problems. I've had dogs go over fences, one dug his way under the fence & sometimes the kids leave to gate open when they're older. I'm sorry you are feeling so stressed about the situation. Maybe the best thing to do is try to maintain a good relationship with the neighbors. I'm out in a rural area now & everyone's dogs just seem to run where they want. On any given day I also have had the occasional goat run through the yard, someone's horse & even a cow stroll through, haha! Try not to worry yourself too much, OK?
My son has some sort of locking mechanism on his fence gate that the kids can't reach yet, keep that in mind for the future.

Ava, wishing you the best on your new job, yay!

Hello to LC, Byrdie, G & everyone.
Have a safe night in the nest one & all!

Lav

[lifechange]

Re: Newbies Nest

Good Morning, Nesters!

I slept in this morning until seven and woke up with the worst headache.. which I find to be quite unfair when I'm not drinking! Annoying as I have a full day planned.. take a pill!, right? It's funny, I hate to take pills for anything..especially pain relievers.. but I didn't have such a problem pouring poison down my throat for so many years. That could always be justified. Right now I'm just thinking, thank god I'm not hungover.. the GSR brothers were always the worst part for me and my sense of well being.

Congrats on 80 days, G-man! Big stuff there..
I have to say, I'm looking very much forward to 2018..being done with this difficult year. Though very important for me is to take each day as it is and be happy for what I have/am right now. I can remember last November, talking on the phone to a friend of mine about how great 2017 was going to be, full of expectation, leaving the past and moving forward.. It turned out to be much different than I'd anticipated. I wouldn't want to do it again, but somehow I don't regret anything. I've sortof given into the fact that there isn't a lot out there we have real control over.. and sooo many things that happen in life don't really make "sense", so it doesn't do a lot of good for me to take everything so personally or to think that I could have changed something. I am happy that I am finally taking care of one of the few things I can control.. whether or not I drink! Actually, if I step back and have a look at it from a distance, not having a drink is worlds easier than some of the other things I was trying in vain to control!!! ha. I should be and am relieved that something benefits from my obsessiveness.. and that being obsessive about this one thing allows me to let go of most of the others.

Ava, that was a great post.. and congrats on being DONE with the V.I.!

Moon, that was a very scary incident and I hope you'll be able to find some peace with it. I agree with the others, and I know from what you've said, it isn't easy for you, but to try and let go a little bit, of the worry and stress.. you are doing what you need to do to prevent something like that from happening again.. and being open with the neighbors and working on a solution to keep the dogs far apart seems like a good idea.

Tomorrow my eldest is turning 16! She's decided to have an "open house" kind of day, where she's invited kids to come around to hang out and have cake, cookies, etc. I'm so relieved that she isn't following in my footsteps. She is so strong in her mind and so stable, with both feet firmly planted. The younger one, who is turning 13 in 3 weeks is more of a worry for me, as she's more similar to me character wise.. but let's see. Her best friend spent the night last night and they're playing all the old board games (last weekend they put together all of the puzzles we have) to see which are still fun.. and they just came out to ask if we have any Christmas music. So now I'm hearing all the American classics, from my Grandmother's era.. Very sweet and I know how fortunate I am not to have f***** it all up! Thank god something inside of me didn't let it get to the point of losing everything..

I wish you all a good weekend.. Now that my headache is almost gone (thank 2 cups of coffee, I think) I can get on with my plans..
Love to all of you. I'm very happy and proud to be part of such an amazing group of people finding their (our) way on the road less traveled to a better life..

[lifechange]

Re: Newbies Nest

arggh.. my headache is back. I guess I could be coming down with something.? I'm going to stay close to the Nest today, 'cause I noticed out of nowhere, thoughts of drinking coming to mind. Crazy. I can write a post like I did this morning, so happy about being sober and then a strong urge to drink comes at me. Anyway, I'm not listening to it.. but I am aware of what's going on..

[lifechange]

Re: Newbies Nest

Brownies in the oven, cookies being formed, cinnamon custard for ice cream on the stove top.. I have my "little" one and her best friend helping, listening to the Mary Poppins soundtrack..a ritual while preparing for birthdays! The cats have already tried on the little necklace/signs they wear around their necks on L's special day! We'll have time this evening, when she's at a concert, to decorate and wrap presents.. after a nap and another pill my headache was gone, as were the fleeting albeit annoying thoughts.
I'm always happy when I'm through a spell..
Hugs to you all!

[wagmor]

Re: Newbies Nest

LC - I'm glad your headache finally went away. That's always such a relief. Yes, stay close to the nest - especially if you're having thoughts of drinking. Mary Poppins is something I haven't heard in a long time, but to be honest, I've always loved that movie and the music makes me feel happy. Good choice! Hope the birthday celebration is fabulous :yay:

Ava - serious congrats on surviving the work situation and now you get to move onward and upward - woohoo!!!! I can only imagine how much your stress levels will decrease (or probably have already). Yep, there are countless movies I've "seen" and yet would never recognize or be able to recount if asked. Sad really - such wasted time. Well, at least that means there are lots of movies out there that are still NEW for us

[Pavati]

Re: Newbies Nest

Hi, Everyone:

So many great posts out there...

LC - THIS!

I have to say, I'm looking very much forward to 2018..being done with this difficult year. Though very important for me is to take each day as it is and be happy for what I have/am right now. I can remember last November, talking on the phone to a friend of mine about how great 2017 was going to be, full of expectation, leaving the past and moving forward.. It turned out to be much different than I'd anticipated. I wouldn't want to do it again, but somehow I don't regret anything. I've sort of given into the fact that there isn't a lot out there we have real control over.. and sooo many things that happen in life don't really make "sense", so it doesn't do a lot of good for me to take everything so personally or to think that I could have changed something. I am happy that I am finally taking care of one of the few things I can control.. whether or not I drink! Actually, if I step back and have a look at it from a distance, not having a drink is worlds easier than some of the other things I was trying in vain to control!!! ha. I should be and am relieved that something benefits from my obsessiveness.. and that being obsessive about this one thing allows me to let go of most of the others.

Letting go of things we can't control is SO important. Moon - you have done all you can do. You can't go back and undo what happened, and it sounds like you can't protect it from happening again ANY better than you have. Take a deep breath and let go of your worry. That won't change anything and it will only make you crazy.

Kensho - So sorry about your husband's reaction. Maybe you can have a REAL honest talk with him - tell him the things he doesn't see - and he'll understand more? My husband supported my quitting, but in order to ensure that after some time he didn't try to get me to have a drink again I sat down with him and told him EVERYTHING that he might not have seen. Then I told him that under NO circumstances, not in 10 months, not in 10 years, was I EVER able to drink again. I think he gets it, but I do remind him from time to time. How does his family even know if you're drinking or not? Why do they care? So weird for them to focus so much on your drinking... You often talk about not being as much fun when you're not drinking. What do you mean? What does that look like? I am sure you are fun, but maybe you feel sad or weird? That, too, shall pass.

Nar - Correct. I don't drink.

I have never seen egg in a dressing recipe - I'll have to check that out. I think I might try sour dough bread...

Happy Saturday, Nest. The weather here is beautiful and I'm going to go out and enjoy. Take good care of yourselves, and don't drink, no matter what.

xo
Pav

[lifechange]

Re: Newbies Nest

Pav, I think egg is only in a stuffing recipe if it is going to be baked in a separate casserole dish outside the bird.. for moisture, I'd guess, and maybe a bit of depth since it's not getting the juice.. just a guess.. but I wouldn't add egg if I were stuffing a turkey, chicken, etc.
xx

[Guitarista]

Re: Newbies Nest

Hola nesters near and not so far. Elsie, remember that with some AF time, those cravings become less and less. they still appear, but just to relay my humble current experience, i can say that there was a noticeable decrease in cravings/thoughts from around 30 days plus, and even less often now at 80 days +. Cravings/thoughts still occur, just less often the more time i put between the last drink and today. Now the trick for me is maintenance. Using tools and strategies to maintain my sobriety. So i know i need to be ready for those out of the blue cravings and thinking. For me this is usually the result of some sort of emotional disturbance from within, from the way i react to an outside event. e.g. traffic, being late, a criticism (valid or off the mark) from another person, some heartbreaking situation, anger at myself for not doing something better.....but i know i can control how i respond internally to all of these life events. I don't have to let this stuff cause me to drink. I can try to sit with it and let it wrap around me, look it in the eye, analyse/evaluate the thought/feeling (is it true? valid? any evidence here G man? does it really matter? if so, what can i do to address it?) and hopefully move on. This is my theory and approach at the moment anyway.

Wishing all a safe, sober, magical weekend.

[NoSugar]

Re: Newbies Nest

I thought I posted a note a couple days ago but I must not have hit the right button. So, here I found it when I logged on today. It probably applies most days so I'll go ahead and post it below.

Moon, you're going to drive yourself crazy re-living the horrible dog experience and worrying that it will happen again. It isn't happening right at this moment - right now - so it doesn't have to cause you so much stress right now. What happened happened and it sounds like you dealt with it as well as possible. (Thank goodness you were sober and able to handle it to the best of your ability!). You have in place several deterrents that will prevent it from happening again in the near future. If the situation changes (e.g. your kids are older and in a position to leave gates open), you can make further adjustments to keep your dog from escaping. But for now, you've done all you can do and your anxiety isn't coming from anything that is happening - it is coming from your thinking about what did happen in the past or could happen in the future. I don't want to sound too new-agey here but the truth is, all we have is the present - down to the exact moment we are in. And so many of us sacrifice the now to regrets about the past and worries about the future. The good news is, we don't have to do that. When your thoughts are making you tense and anxious, you can let them float away. They aren't real, what you are thinking about isn't happening right now, and chasing bad ones can only cause pain. Once you've done all you can do (and it sounds like you have!), ruminating on this situation is a waste of your time and isn't good for you or your family. Forgive yourself for what you think was a mistake and focus on what really matters to you, ok? :hug:

--------------
Here's the earlier (un)post:

Hi, Nesters
Thanks for all the thought-provoking posts. With this group, we all should be able to figure our ways out :smile:.

You know all those "Are you an alcoholic" quizzes in magazines? I used to take them to prove to myself I didn't have a problem... What a crock.

I now think there should be 2 questions and if you answer yes to either one, you've got a problem and would be better off without it in your life:

1. Have you ever snuck around or lied about drinking?
Non-addicts don't do that and it is a red flag alerting you that you're heading in the WRONG direction if you want a peaceful life.

2. Have you ever tried to stop drinking and found you had no control?
Non-addicts can 'not drink' as easily as they can 'not eat broccoli', even if it is their favorite food. Again, there can't be peace in a life that is out of control.

I would have failed that quiz and there is no way to manipulate/justify your answers, as I was so easily able to do on those magazine surveys.
---------
Since I wrote that, I thought of another question to add:
3. Have you ever perused or joined a stop-drinking forum :egad:????
I think that anyone who does that knows, deep down, they've got a problem. And the good news about that is, it can be corrected :smile:.

Have a good weekend!!

[KENSHO]

Re: Newbies Nest

You guys are so smart. Sorry for the long response. It helps to spew sometimes.

AVA, yes, it’s their problem, not mine. I agree, it IS totally weird that they care so much. To make someone else feel bad because they are not “participating” by drinking? It’s really dumb. I really like your idea about writing to my husband. It might be a way for me to be thorough and get it all out. The Green Mile is a tough one… but a good one!

Byrdie. Great perspective. No, the quality of MY time is not determined by whether others drink. The bummer is that my husband and I need to deal with this all over again. When I quit previously, I told him that I would pick sobriety over him, so he’d better get busy making a decision. That got his attention. But I still felt a rift between us, because I had such a hard time watching him drink for the unhealthy reasons I did, and fade away from us when he did so, and not face his problems head on. I started again, in part, because I hoped that I could just drink occasionally with him so it wouldn’t be such a difference between us. I’m sure he could feel my judgement of him - I didn’t like that he made decisions and plans around alcohol. It’s a real challenge. He’s not the drinker I was, and never drinks alone, but he uses it for all the unhealthy reasons I did. Point is, we never got beyond this issue totally - so I felt it might be worth a try again to see if I could handle it (because I’m the only “different” alcoholic out there?- duh). He agrees that if I am hiding it, I should quit. But he also tells me its because I’m weak. I know that when I am done for good, we will have some more serious work to do - and I’m so darn maxed with the rest of life - family, business, overactive brain - that just wanted a break from the work I guess. And it’s not even to the level of work that some here have dealt with - accidents and illnesses and such. I have so much respect for those of you who have gone though such difficult situations and kept your sobriety.

Moonking, I bet that your anxiety will lessen as time goes by and your new routines settle in with the fence and such. It’s normal to feel it so close to a traumatic event. Give it time, you’re doing the right thing. Hugs to you.

PAV - the letter to my husband will include all the gory details and how it makes me feel and why I want to stop. And about the boring stuff - I guess in sobriety I may not be as goofy at times (but plenty of times I am). Mostly, I don’t want to stay out until 1am with drunk people, and I probably seem judgmental and tight. I’m not the “partier” I used to be, but he will still get sloshed on occasion. I prefer a couch and warm blanket and movie and otherwise quiet surroundings. We went out with another couple to a concert and I didn’t drink or smoke (there was plenty around us), and he was really bothered that I was not “joining ANY kind of fun”. I guess this is a projection of him believing that fun can’t be had without substances? And NO, I don’t want to be out all night with stupid drunk people.

NS, Yes to 1, 2, and…. 3.

Leaving for the in-laws today. This last week can be deleted from life as far as I’m concerned. Computer crash fall out, email not working, fraud and dealing with credit companies, important software not loading, clients wanting everything by Christmas, and to top it off yesterday I was shooed off a parking lot and smashed my bumper frantically trying to back up. Husband was not happy about that and he can jump in a lake with how he was with me. Now a migraine and a flight to a place I’m not sure I will be supported at. BUT. I didn’t drink. I am strong and know that this too shall pass. Looking forward to a fun time with cactus in AZ and time with the kids. Sunshine.

Hope everyone is doing well today.

[Lavande]

Re: Newbies Nest

Good evening Nesters,

We had a cold, dark & damp day here, Brrr!
It definitely is feeling seasonal now after the longest summer on record, haha!

Kensho, I wish you a safe trip & I hope you find some peace in AZ sunshine with your kids
Don't let the out-laws bother you, tune them out.

Hello to everyone & wishing a safe night in the nest for all!

Lav

[lifechange]

Re: Newbies Nest

Hi Nesters!
I'm so happy to be feeling good and strong today. We had such a nice birthday morning.. the girl's Dad came over for breakfast and stayed a few hours. That rarely happens because I usually can't stand to be around him for so long.. but to be honest, with a clear head and a good mood it wasn't so bad. He's much easier to deal with Un-hung.. as are most people/situations in life. I know I've said this before, but I am very relieved that this girl, my daughter, isn't following in my footsteps (as far as being very insecure, low self confidence/worth, fearful, etc.). On a day like today, her birthday, when the attention is focussed on her, when all her friends are around, it's possible to take a step back and see her from the "outside".. and I'm so darned proud of the young woman she is. And I'm happy that at the moment I'm a Mom she can be proud of..

NS, that was a great post above to Moon.. something I try to remember when I'm having a difficult time letting go..It helps a lot to be reminded.. it does take practice, the realisation that it's our thoughts causing us distress.. and it's fully possible to let them "float away". That is exactly what my younger daughter and I have been practicing at night when we can't sleep due to worry.. and it works. I also answered "yes" to all 3!

Kensho, I hadn't realised you were travelling to the inlaws for Thanksgiving.. maybe you can plan a lot of early morning hikes.. where you'll benefit greatly from not drinking and be able to enjoy the nature.. We're heading to AZ to visit my family in a couple of weeks and I can't wait! We are staying for 4 weeks and I'm so excited to get out on the trails.. Which State do you live in? Wishing you safe travels and a lot of strength.. big hugs!

Thanks for that post, G-man! You are doing so well and I love following your progress and hearing how you're getting on with each new "phase".. I'm looking forward to being there in maintenance. It's been way too long. I'm trying to enjoy each step of this journey, with all it's ups and downs, difficult times to overcome and extreme natural highs.. because this is the very LAST time I will ever be on this day %§/*ß. Never again.. Been there, done that and have a tshirt to prove it.. ha! I might just have one printed up..:happy2:

Hi Lav!! We're having similar weather here! Freezing cold, dark and windy.. I said to my youngest, that we could still head out to the flea market if we want, and she said, No way, I'm not going out today! That takes care of that.. at least you have a fireplace.. we're relying on warm water bottles, slippers and candles to keep us cozy warm. Still I love this time of year.. How are the chickens holding up?

ok. see you all in a bit.
have a relaxing Sunday..
xx

[Hypernova]

Re: Newbies Nest

Phew rough time of the year. Don't for the life of me understand why family which should be a source of support and happiness is such a distressful non group of people. My mind really does not fathom that these people have any connection to me. Right now slugging it out ODAT.

[wagmor]

Re: Newbies Nest

Hypernova, Kensho, and others who are having challenges with family right now - I'm so sorry you're dealing with all of this added stress, especially as HN said from people who are supposed to be a source of love and support. Please know you've got both right here in the nest - your feathered family :hug:

LC - enjoy your day feeling strong for your daughter!

NS and Byrdie - great posts!

G dude - you sound solid in your approach to maintenance - great plan, excellent tools. Now it's just about doing that in the moment. You got this!