Newbies Nest

[lifechange]

Re: Newbies Nest

Hi Nesters!

Marylou, such good news to hear about your Mom..:happy2:

Thanks for that, G-man! I like the idea of taking one affirmation to concentrate on each day..

Quick fly by for me on my way to work.. but I came across a good (and kindof funny) list for coping with Thanksgiving.. 13 Tips for Dealing with Your Family on Thanksgiving...Sober | The Fix

see you all a bit later.. Hope you get today off, Byrdie!
xx

[K1wiBro]

Re: Newbies Nest

Hiya, checking in again...
I slept pretty well last night, and it was good waking up not feeling tired and ill. There was a moment at work today when for a second I thought about drinking tonight and felt that it would happen, but thankfully the thought passed. I followed the same routine as yesterday - eating as soon as I got home and have managed another drink-free evening.

lifechange - your comment ‘as long as I fool myself into believing I can easily stop after this or that party..by picking a preferred date, I will continue to push the date and drink’ - I’m worried that this will be the case for me too (it has proven to be true too many times already this year!). Unfortunately the industry I work in is one well-known for its drinking so it’s impossible to keep away from it totally, but yeah, being new at the job is a good way to establish a sober identity with workmates. So far I’ve kept my drinking under wraps and outside work hours so there'll be no noticeable change. Being sober at the work party is going to be a very important step towards my sobriety I think.

NoSugar - I read your reply this morning, but had to quickly dash to work. Your comment about a date being nothing special other than any meaning I’ve decided to give it etc… kept going around and around my head on the way to work. As simple as it was, it really opened up my mind and I saw how crazy my idea of drinking to a certain date was - thanks for the inspiration!

[moonking]

Re: Newbies Nest

NS - I can’t wait to get to that point where I don’t have to drink. When does that “craving” go away? Or that thought that you are missing out on something? I mean, I can’t get past the fact that…I’ll be missing out on something around the campfire if I don’t have a beer in my hand. I can’t figure out what exactly I’m missing out on?

Lav - thanks for the recommendation - I’ll pick that up! Neighbor is probably in her 50s and I’m not aware of any memory problems, although we aren’t particularly that close. Just chit chat here and there when she’d walk her dog. But I suppose it’s possible. I mean, it is what it is…but it just bothers me when someone is nice to my face and mean behind my back. I feel like it perpetuates unnecessary drama. And I know I’m guilty of it as well, but strive to be better. I’ve been struggling with driving by her house because of the pit in my stomach, but I’m trying to be more positive and tell myself that I can’t change the past, there’s no point in dwelling on it. Night time hits me pretty hard, too. Tossing and turning and trying to turn my mind to other things. Maybe your book has some good pointers on how to do that, too!

Byrdie - stop working on your vacation!!! But I’m one to talk, before the kid came along, I was guilty of the same thing. Now I just simply don’t have the time when I’m on vacation - but some days wish I was at work!

K1wiBro - I was the same way, always trying to find a date to quit. Always extending it because I’d convince myself that I could just drink less the next time. Every night I went to bed buzzed or drunk I’d be so mad at myself, convinced I was done, done, done and then the next night I was back to the box of wine. Lucky for me, a positive pregnancy test did the trick.

Short day of work for me and we get to relax as a family tomorrow before heading to my family on Friday. I guess we’re doing some sort of white elephant game where I need to bring a gift and I have no idea what to bring and no desire to go buy something. I don’t know why we can’t all just sit around and chat instead of having activities to do. I haven’t even offered to bring an appetizer or dessert thing time…part of me feels like a bad daughter, the other part of me just feels too damn tired to care.

[Roobs]

Re: Newbies Nest

Good morning nesters,

Welcome back K1 and Jude. Both of you are good reminders to stay vigilant. Im wondering if you could share what sober tools you were using or if you had any sober support around the time you started to drink again? I ask because i sometimes become complacent in my sober supports, such as not checking in here or not reading or not recognizing each day that i dont drink. In the past, i was a victim of the "WHAM" out of nowhere, id just pick up a glass or take the one offered to me and quickly take a slug of it before i had a chance to think it through. I'd like to think i have a little more discipline now but when im feeling anxious anything could happen.
I agree with everyone, there is no good date to quit, there is ALWAYS a reason to push it out and i think all of us are experts on different excuses to put it off. I quit last year on November 14th. I was just sick of myself and feeling like garbage. I was super nervous about getting through the holidays. We were hosting Thanksgiving dinner, One thing i did was to tell people ahead of time that I wasn't drinking. It was scary but it put the kabash on anyone insisting on my having a drink. It worked, everyone else survived my not drinking and didnt push any on me. This year were having some of the same guests and they they now know i dont drink. Yay.

Moon, i keep thinking about your dog incident. You have done as much as you can to ensure that your dog will be safe and guarded on your property. I have been on both sides of that scenario. We used to have an aggressive dog, if off leash, she would just bolt over to another dog and terrorize it. My kids were small at the time so i didnt put a lot of effort into trying to train her. She was super sweet but she picked up on my anxiety. And we got stuck in a pattern. I learned when you have a dog that is aggressive or just reacts to one particular dog in a crazy manner, you cross the street or walk around the the particular house/ yard that sets your dog off. So i hope that your neighbor chooses to cross the street when walking her dog. No doubt her dog will pick up on her anxiety and her dog is also very aware that a dog he doesn't like lives there, so walk across the street. Currently we have 2 dogs. They 're both super sweet one's a herder, uh oh, i have to keep an eye on him when were at an off leashed area. He's not mean or aggressive but he sounds like he's going to eat another dog. He's very vocal but he's also very respectful, if a dog gives him a signal, he stops but still he can intimidate or scare the owner or a shy dog. I feel like i have to explain him to people. Most people who understand dog and working dog types are very understanding and are fine once they see that he just likes to bust up the party. He's kind of a party pooper that way. Sometimes my dogs swarm and that stresses me out and yes i have a hard time calling them off which gives me anxiety which doesn't help the situation. SO I just had a couple of session with a dog trainer. I had taken one of her classes and reached out to her for help. Basically i paid her to walk around with me at the dog park so she could help calm me down and help to call my dogs off when necessary. One of the tools she had was a citronella dog collar, the steps are to call your dog off, if they don't respond, you press the button that give a little burst of citronella which they do not like, they come back to you and you MUST give them a treat for returning to you. It's all about the timing. The collar is about $90 on amazon. Im going to get one for "tune up" training. Anyway, my long winded point is that if you have an aggressive dog, the larger responsibility fall on you to take measures to control and contain your dog which you've done. there's also a responsibility for your neighbor to understand that her dog sets your dog off so cross the street. In addition to that you may want to explore a training class or watch some dog training videos that help train YOU to stay calm. Our dogs pick up on our stress and body language. It's not easy but it will help.

Marylou, so happy to hear your mother is doing well. What an honor to be present for her and for her to be recognized for her service. I tell ya our parents or at least my parents generation were a bunch of badasses!

Happy sober hump day everyone im off to clean the house.
Roobs

[narilly]

Re: Newbies Nest

Jude, thank you so much for your response. I WILL be vigilant! It's time to learn from other people's 'mistakes' instead of my own. The last thing I want to do is get drunk. The thought of it totally freaks me out. I know if I had a 'sip' of AL right now that it would lead me down a path of pain and suffering, I am not going to go there again.

Moon, Roobs, I too had a dog which attacked other dogs. She was a rescue and over 4 years she attacked at least 6 dogs and seriously injured some of them. We eventually had to put her down, it really sucked.

Gotta go, my office mate is back.

Stay sober peeps.

[moonking]

Re: Newbies Nest

Thanks, Roobs - that helps a lot. We just got a pup, too and were looking for training for her and have decided to just get training for both. I found a woman in our hometown who "specializes" in aggressive dogs. She's reasonably priced and will do private lessons. I know this is important. We're the first house on the street, so if our neighbor wants to walk down our street she has to go by our house. Besides the main road, we're about the only street out there. I know she stays home during the day and we are not home so I think she primarily walks during the day because she knows our dogs are in the house. Especially now that it's dark by about 5:30. I have no doubt that my dog sensed my anxiety before she did what she did. I was immediately anxious when I saw the neighbor walking and I know dogs can be hyper aware. The more time that goes by I really think the fence (and muzzle/leash when I'm home alone and we are outside) will be a very strong fix. When the neighbor stopped to talk to my husband, the dog was in the current fenced in area and could see the whole thing...she just barked. No attempt to jump or escape. So I'm sure the whole thing was a mix of my anxiety, the other dog lunging, and my dog thinking she was protecting. Right combination for a bad situation.

I will look into the citronella collar as well, right now money (within reason) is no object for my sanity and peace of mind. This dog though - she'll look awfully silly with her muzzle collar, invisible fence collar, and citronella collar all on at once!!!

[moonking]

Re: Newbies Nest

Sorry you had to put your dog down, narilly. Such an awful feeling. We got this dog from a random farm (found the ad online.) She was terrified of everything when we got her, I have no idea what her life was like before we got her. I've just never seen her be like this towards a dog, it's so bizarre. Even an in-laws dog, who is massive and came at her aggressively...she just submitted right away. She's been around so, so many dogs - all the other dogs in the neighborhood (probably 10 or so) and around my in-laws (they have 10-15 at any point in time). Dogs of all breeds and sizes and she's never attempted an attack. She play fought with our older dog, but that was it. Sometimes one of them would get a bit rough and you'd hear a yelp...but it would end after that. I'm guessing a lot of it has to do with my anxiety and she can sense that. So I gotta get that under control with the trainer.

[NoSugar]

Re: Newbies Nest

NS - I can’t wait to get to that point where I don’t have to drink. When does that “craving” go away? Or that thought that you are missing out on something? I mean, I can’t get past the fact that…I’ll be missing out on something around the campfire if I don’t have a beer in my hand. I can’t figure out what exactly I’m missing out on?

It seems to me there are 2 types of cravings going on and unfortunately we use the same word for both the physical and psychological experiences. Physically, a craving is your brain telling you it needs some fuel, or it is reminding you that it is a specific time of day when you "always" do a certain thing. Our brains like those circadian ruts!! Like [MENTION=24075]K1wiBro[/MENTION] said, eating and fueling your brain is a great way to stamp out the physical craving. You'll give your brain energy that way and it will quit whining. I used to hate to go out to lunch because I'd developed the (stupid) habit of avoiding food before that first drink of the day, making it all the more rewarding. At some level I knew it wasn't as pleasurable if I'd eaten and my brain wasn't desperate for energy. Alcohol crosses the blood brain barrier quickly, giving immediate and very rewarding relief to a starving brain. Sugar crosses the barrier quickly too (and has the added "benefit" of affecting the brain's reward system similarly to alcohol) so many people in the early days find themselves wanting and consuming a lot of sweets and carbs. That certainly works and is better by far than drinking but simply keeping your brain fueled by eating better food normally works, too. It is fun to enjoy meeting friends for lunch or afternoon tea again!

The psychological craving and the fear of missing out is a whole different thing in my opinion. That craving is just a thought that you give tons of attention to! The simplest thing is to let that thought come and go like the other 60000 thoughts we have each day. That isn't always easy, though, and I did things to redirect my attention. [MENTION=8356]Lavande[/MENTION] taught me to practice gratitude and I did it by noticing what was better about each day simply because I wasn't drinking. Not everything was great, of course, or even good but it certainly was better without booze. It became a constant narrative in the back of my mind and I still have that awareness (and hope I always do). I didn't think I'd like a campfire or long soaking bubble bath without a glass of wine. It turns out that both are much much better with a clear head, conversation (the campfire, NOT the bath!), and no getting overheated and woozy from the combination of alcohol with the hot fire or water.

I also spent a lot of time on MWO and learning about addiction. Reading and especially posting about not drinking helps direct your thinking to where you want it to be. Over time, I got back to hobbies and activities I'd dropped because they interfered with drinking. Taking on a new activity is good, too, because when you're learning and thinking about what you'll do next and making plans, your brain is too busy to pay attention to the occasional idea to drink that pops up now and then. Other bad ideas occur to me, too, and just as I wouldn't act on my urge to smash into an annoying driver, I don't act on the ones to take a drink. And the good news is, if you don't pay attention to the initial thought (squash it with the "I don't drink" mantra!), it won't develop into what seems like a physical craving or need.

The main thing is to give yourself time - however much you need. Try not to be impatient, judge yourself, or compare yourself to anyone else. At some point you'll realize you don't have to drink - and don't want to anyway.

Happy Thanksgiving, Nest! xx, NS

[Pavati]

Re: Newbies Nest

Hi, Nest!

Great posts all around. I have a friend in real life who is 9 months sober. She gets cravings and then gets mad at herself. I was able to tell her in truth that when I get stressed now, alcohol is NOT my go-to. Who'd a thunk.

I am off to bake pies with my son. The holidays aren't ALL bad! :victorious:

Byrdie - self care! Don't kill yourself working!

xo
Pav

[available]

Re: Newbies Nest

morning nesters

a quick checkin and not read back on posts as yet, welcome to the new ones and you have found the best place to be.

well such a busy happy week for me, work wise. god it is wonderful to go to work and be happy, not done that for years and years. finally have a computer and phone so can start doing work. the doctors are just wonderful and i am just happy, no anxiety and no valium to get to work. i will never go back to those days of bullying.

this week i have managed to drop my iphone and break it, since i use it for work, they gave me a replacement for a few days and it is a brick. you have to press the buttons to send a text and damn my thumb is sore. didnt realise how much i loved my phone till it broke. cant get on fb or mwo or anything on this thing. my son has another abscess so he gets operated on today. thankfully he is close to home but i will have to have tomorrow off and probably half of today. the poor kid is so over his anatomy being looked at and the pain. BUT i have not drank, no intentions to drink and even if it is hot as anything atm in Melbourne i dont want a wine to cool me down. How things have changed from near 4 years ago.

well off to work i go, will have a read when i get home today.

Take care x

[narilly]

Re: Newbies Nest

I've been thinking of this saying I read a few years ago: "You make the path you walk"
I think this is what we are doing when we quit drinking, we are walking a whole new path. Stay on the path and you will have the life you want. The path of AL SUCKS.

We are all here because we did not like the path we were on. My life is SO different now since I have quit drinking. I am not filled with remorse everyday and self loathing. I remember what I did last night and am not having drunk fights with my husband. My social life is a lot quieter and that was something I was afraid of before I quit drinking. But I actually like the quieter life- I used to be the life of the party but that was not a sustainable thing for me. I would go from the life of the party to the drunk of the party pretty quickly and as I was getting older the drunk part was happening Way More.
Now I embrace just being and seeing the world around me- now it is in colour and not grey. Thats what AL does to me, just numbs everything and makes it grey.

Happy Thanksgiving American friends!

Glad to be here and grateful to be sober.
xo

[K1wiBro]

Re: Newbies Nest

Taking on a new activity is good, too, because when you're learning and thinking about what you'll do next and making plans, your brain is too busy to pay attention to the occasional idea to drink that pops up now and then.

This is a great point - this worked for me when I first got sober back in 2012. I started learning photography and trying to take a photo of something interesting each day, and was soon more focused on that than any temptation that came along to drink. I think it was only 2-3 months later that I no longer even thought about having a drink so it does work...

[Guitarista]

Re: Newbies Nest

Hola nesters near and not so far,

Kingy, sounds like your dog was simply protecting you in response to other dog lunging and showing aggression. She did nothing wrong. In fact, i reckon she deserves a big fat bone! Re your mind not switching off at night, this is where some simple thought management techniques can help. CBT (cognitive behavioural therapy) is worth some research into. Not as complex as it sounds and you apply it yourself. Things like.................PAUSE! Stop! and just breathe. Take 5 minutes time out and simply breath. In for 4, hold for 4, out for 8 (Pavati style). Try this at your own pace, no right or wrong way to do it. Free, it will slow us down, and no side effects. :happy2:

Coasting along nicely here. Noooooo intention whatsoever to go back to any boozing. I know where this always takes me. An hour of release, then it's all downhill with regret and disappointment featuring highly as i rip myself off and waste that day and the following day/s once again. It's a circle of loss. Loss of time and loss of good times that could've been had kicking arse in various ways with any of my cool and life affirming projects and ideas i got going. No thanks referee! Look at last night for example. I finished my bands new album. Me. I did it. It could only be done by me. it was down to me, and i got the job done. How? Why? Simply because i wasn't drinking and i do not drink.

Marylou, wow congrats to your mum! I agree with Roobs. That older generation were truly BADASS! I can try to be too.

Ava, how's the new job? Big waves to all!

[moonking]

Re: Newbies Nest

Great advice, thanks all - on the cravings and sleep.

I think I can handle the physical craving. My drinking after work was simply just what I did and I understand the need to rewire that habit into something else. Got 5-6ish more months to get a new habit down, I suppose.

But I like the idea of picking up a new hobby. I'd love to get back into running. I don't run when I'm drinking because my only real time to run is either early in the AM (and getting up early does not happen with a hangover) and at lunch time, which by then the nausea had usually set in full force and running was not happening. Another thing I have on my plate, as silly as it might sound, are pallet projects. A friend dropped off over 100 pallets that are just sitting in my woods, waiting to be used. While I'd be terrible at making wall art with pallets (Pinterest mom failure over here!) I think I could actually build stuff with them - benches, a headboard, shelving, etc. I might not be able to paint, but I can use a power drill and a hammer and stain those babies. Right now it's cold, wet and power sanding/staining pallets probably isn't the safest idea, but it's a definite positive thing to focus on come spring time. And without the dogs in the garage anymore - I have a workspace while baby naps.

Well now I'm all excited and need to make an Excel spreadsheet of all the projects I plan to do. EEEEEEE!!!

Happy (sober!) Thanksgiving, everyone! Not sure how much I'll be able to check in in the next couple days.

[Byrdlady]

Re: Newbies Nest

Evening nesters. I was putting up my Christmas decorations this afternoon. In years past, i would get spitfaced doing it. Today, nary a thought. I still think christmas tree lights destroyed my first marriage! Amamzing that those triggers that used to be insurmountable are now nonexistant. Thank god above I stuck with this. Life is good. I never thought I would like my life bettter without booze, but I love it 1000 times more. The rewards of not drinking are better than the ones of drinking.
We are hitting the road tomorrow to be with family so I hope there is supervision! Bah! We should have a great time.
Hope everyone has a wonderful day! Stay strong , we will all be doing the same thing. Hugs to all! Tomorrow this time we will all be miserable with food commas. Stay safe! Byrdie