Newbies Nest

[wagmor]

Re: Newbies Nest

LC -

I've been thinking about the situation you described with your friend. It sounds to me like there has been some sort of misunderstanding, where she was expecting certain types of communication or updates from you, and you were thinking that would occur when you got together in person. If she truly is someone you would consider a close friend, I would say it's worth another reaching out to see if things can be cleared up. Yes, she's definitely looking at this largely from her perspective, and you may ultimately decide that this is a friendship you either need less of or need to walk away from. I don't know - I'm sure there's more to this than you can possibly capture in a post (or more than you might want to share), but if she means a lot to you, you might have to reach out through your own hurt and make one more try at repair. Then, if she still doesn't reciprocate, maybe you both do need some time and distance.

Since you asked... I somehow managed to not really damage too many relationships due to al. Or at least not in a way where the other person knew that was involved. I did most of my over-drinking in private - at home alone, or after hours when everyone else had gone to bed, etc. The main relationships that were impacted by al in my case were clients - I went through drinking binges that were so bad I would wake up in the morning and almost immediately start drinking and then have to cancel all of my sessions for that day. I never lost a client due to al, but I'm sure I damaged their views of my overall reliability. It took months to rebuild.

I hope you are able to sort through all of this and find some peace with whatever place you land. :hug:

[Londoner]

Re: Newbies Nest

Urges are hard today. But it's interesting when you do not have an option to drink due to taking Antabuse. I REALLY want to escape, numb out and have a drink. But I cannot. Unless I want to get ill.

My brain looks for ANY kind of alternative. Smoking, inactivity, junk food. But it highlights how instant gratification really leads you nowhere. Whatever form of instant gratification you use, you will need more of it to get the same feeling. And before you know it you are using it to comfort some sort of undesired feeling or emotion.

[Pavati]

Re: Newbies Nest

Hi, All:

Well, how chuffed (learned that word here) am I to be checking in on my FOUR YEAR SOBER ANNIVERSARY!!!???? Extremely excited to be celebrating this milestone with you all.

Facebook memories always remind me of this week four years ago, because basically it was "fun." We had family in town, went to the beach, saw live music - what a blast. The secret I know was that I was drinking more than anyone knew - I either felt hungover or buzzed or drunk for four days in a row, and got really sloppy at the live music show where many, many in my town saw me. I drank the next day to feel better (hah), but that was IT. I was defeated, sad, and terrified at the prospect, but also knew I was going to kill myself and lose everything if I kept it up. I know from doing enough reading that this beast is a progressive disease, and after the worst hangover of my life, I realized that I was actually showing signs of physical addiction (that's why I drank light beers the next day). There was no going back to moderation, no matter how much I wanted it.

I took 12/2/13 off work and spent the day walking, contemplating, and reading/posting here. I am so grateful for all of you who welcomed me and tried to make me feel that I wasn't a bad person. I felt weak, dumb and so afraid (the predominant word in my journal for the whole year before I quit is fear). I guess that day I had acceptance, but I decided to believe what the old timers were saying/posting, and go along with what sober people said I should do, even if it seemed like bullshit at the time. I worked on gratitude (boy was THAT hard!), built a sober community, read, watched videos, posted my thoughts, and reached out when I needed help.

I now feel free. I feel free from the burden of planning my life around drinking, free from the fear of what I was doing to my health, free to support my kids with a clear head, free to drop those relationships that weren't good for me, and build new ones that are. I still have a good, healthy fear of alcohol. I know enough to know that a good, long quit can end with one reach for a bottle (Wags, I love your post about spiffing up your tool box).

I would like to thank you ALL for being here for me. In particular, Ava, NoSugar, Byrdie and Lav - thanks for showing me the way and picking me up when I needed it. Also, you Ladies on a Mission were instrumental in that first year.

OK - off to have a "normal" day. Because I have been so private about this quit, I don't really celebrate big milestones in person - I will have a dinner with hubs and eat french fries and ice cream with abandon.

Hope you all have fantastic, sober days. Thanks again!

xo
Pav

[Pavati]

Re: Newbies Nest

And LC and Jude - I know that 3:30 feeling, too. I really get skittish this time of year in the afternoons as the sun is going down. I always look forward to December 22 as the turning point.

[Guitarista]

Re: Newbies Nest

Hola nesters!

Congratulations on 4 years Pav! Wow, you really are a total RAAAAWK STAR my friend. :llama:

Londoner, good work. Yep, AB forces us to look at our cravings and watch how they operate as they move through us.

All good here pilgrims. Off to work i go. L8tr Yo!

[KENSHO]

Re: Newbies Nest

Hiya! G, good to see you and your llama strolling in!

PAV, thank you for your words. And freedom... sounds like something wonderful. I appreciate your honesty. Congrats!

LC, I'm sorry your friend was so angry and hurt. From afar, it sounds appropriate to reiterate that you are doing your best to improve your life, and that you never meant to hurt anyone else. And then, all you can do is just that; work on being the best you that you can be. Maybe she will understand, and maybe she won't, but you will have the you you are meant to be. I'm sorry you are going through that.

It has been a strange few days. I've kind of abandoned my list of to-do's and floated a bit. Doing house chores (feels like spring here so we are spring cleaning in the fall), and re-doing my daughter's room - as it was originally decorated 12 years ago for my son. It's time. Nice to see her so happy in a cleaned up space with better energy and her colors. Pretty overdue, considering I do this for a living!

My son is going through "something", having just turned 12 a few days ago. Hormones this early? Oh man - the tantrums and control stuff. SUCH a sweet kid - but sometimes the lid comes off and out pops a monster. Yikes. It's not fun. I always think it's my fault - I didn't spend enough time with him; I didn't make sure he ate better... etc. But it will all work out, I'm sure.

Going out with the husband tonight on a date night, and I will not drink. It may get interesting. I'll report back. Looking forward to it, and not...

[Lavande]

Re: Newbies Nest

Good Saturday evening Nesters,

Great to see everyone!

I spent the day cooking & baking in preparation for my grandsons visit. They’re here, fed & busy with games on the ipad. At 9 & 6 1/2 they are a lot less work than they used to be, ha ha! In a few years I guess we’ll be seeing the preteen mood swings too kensho

Wishing everyone a safe night in the nest.

Lav

PS: no chicken stories today, everything back to normal in the chicken house

[KENSHO]

Re: Newbies Nest

Just got past the drink order thing. I did not drink but I can tell he’s bummed that I don’t join him. He really feels drinking is something we have shared and it sucks to feel like I’m disrupting that. So I’m at “poor me”... I WISH I could just have one drink every 3 weeks.

Not sure what will make this feel better with him, but I dropped him off at a new restaurant to check out while I ran to get in line for our concert; he’s getting a beer there. Maybe he just needs to know that he can still get his buzz on even if I don’t? Fine by me.

[KENSHO]

Re: Newbies Nest

Feeling major anxiety for some reason. Thinking a shot will cure it. I know it won’t. Bah.

[NoSugar]

Re: Newbies Nest

Pav, I've been thinking about you all day and am glad to finally have a couple minutes to check in and say CONGRATULATIONS! I never doubted you would make it to where you are. I bet you're always unstoppable once you make a commitment. And look at all you've accomplished that you might not even have tried if you'd still been drinking! I hope you're as proud of you as we are. xx, NS

[NoSugar]

Re: Newbies Nest

Since you don't drink, Kensho, there's no point thinking about taking shots or what your husband does or doesn't like about your choice. Quit giving your headspace and time to something you don't want, that diminishes your life, and that is actually toxic. What would you say to your child in this situation? Please gently tell yourself the same. I hope you enjoy the concert.

[Guitarista]

Re: Newbies Nest

Hey Kensho, how did the night go?

In the middle of 4 days/nights of shift work. Phew! Burning the candle at both ends, but all good. Come wednesday morning i'll be free to chill! Great to have paid work.

How is everyone?

[KENSHO]

Re: Newbies Nest

All good, going to bed late but sober.

[K1wiBro]

Re: Newbies Nest

Hi all, checking in again after a nice weekend spent with family.
Congratulations on 4 years Pav! That's a great milestone, make sure you keep it up as each year will feel more and more rewarding...

Kensho - I feel for you - your partner should be the one person who really supports you through this. Don't give in to the temptation to drink just to please anyone either - at the end of the day if it's important to you, it shouldn't matter what anyone else really thinks. It's hard with drinking - especially if it's something you have previously shared with your partner..I had a similar thing with my ex - we met 10 years ago and would always spend time drinking together at home or out. She was the one who eventually told me I had to stop drinking or she'd leave me when my drinking became a 'problem', and at first she didn't believe that I'd actually quit, then after the first year without AL she started commenting on how it was a shame that we could not longer have a drink together...she even started asking me 'surely you could just have the one', but to my credit, I stuck to my guns and said no. She made up for it by going out regularly on a Friday or Saturday night with one of her girlfriends (I didn't mind - it meant I could have a nice quiet evening at home!) and coming home in the early hours drunk. It got to the point where she would start going to the local pubs and hanging out with the local drinkers - people in their 40's & 50's that years previous we both used to comment on about how sad their lives seemed to be hanging out drinking all the time at the pub. We broke up 2 years ago and as far as I know she's still doing the same thing - a good reason I want to never drink again as I don't want to end up being one of those people too!

[lifechange]

Re: Newbies Nest

Morning Nesters!!

It's 7:30 here and very cold outside! I'm trying to psych myself up for the run I have planned at 9.. First coffee and catching up with all you lovelies.

Kensho, how was the concert in the end? And the anxiety? I can imagine that situation very well.. and I totally get that you want to have things as normal as possible with your Husband.. but it's going to take some time to find a new normal. And I guess it might be necessary for a while not to do the things you always used to do together that involved drinking. You need some time to gain strength! And during this first month (at least) I think it should be all about doing things that support your not drinking.. regardless of what your Husband thinks. Your relationship will have to change a bit if drinking has been a big part of it.. but you first need some clarity, for yourself, before you can deal with that. I know you know all this! and that it's all so much easier said. :hug: Your Daughter's room sounds great! I sure wish you could come here to help me with my living room! It's such a difficult space..

Pav, thank you for that post! Freedom! I'm loving it at the moment. Sometimes thoughts of drinking come into my mind.. but then I tell myself that I don't drink! and immediately find an alternative activity (or just sitting quietly) to change my way to "deal".. It's often a nap. I've traded in passing out for power naps!

Londoner, you're doing such a great job! If you have a minute, I'd love to hear about some of the changes you've made in your daily life.. what Tools you'r using instead of alcohol, food, etc. As G-man said, it's great that Antabuse if giving you the mindspace to look clearly at these things..

I had a talk with my friend last night.. the other 3 friends in out group don't take what is happening with me personally. They are able to step back and help me but not take it as an assault. I think that she is also struggling with her own issues, some of which I know but hadn't realised are connected with me. We have been through a lot during the 16 years we've known eachother and are very close, maybe even in a co-dependant way at times.? That I'm not sure of, but could be. She is someone who wears it all out on her sleeve and she has to.. because she used to be someone who kept everything inside and it led her to a major breakdown. I appreciate her very much and I love her like a sister.. and I'm sure we'll work through this. At her suggestion, I did get in touch with a therapist.. I decided what harm could it do? and it's something I've wanted to do but haven't yet. It has been good for me to have some weekly commitments that are solely for the sake of recovery!
I know I've said this before (as she told me!) but I feel like this quit is different than any before. I wish I could have been sensible and quit 6 years ago when I started here.. or even 4 years ago when Ava and Pav quit..or even at the beginning of this year, it looked so promising! But I had to bang my head into the wall a hundred more times, create more misery and chaos, poison my body, lie to everyone I know, bring myself so far down that I HAD to make a choice. I finally saw that there was no way for me to ever be anywhere near the middle again. No way for me to lie to myself about it anymore. I sat and really weighed it out this time. Do I have what it takes to stop drinking? To completely close the door? This time it's been a conscious effort each and every day. I haven't run away from anything, not discomfort, not difficult conversation or situations.. I have put sobriety/recovery 1st on my list. And I'm pretty sure, looking back, that I didn't do that before. To a point, at times, but not each and every day.

Big Sober Sunday hugs to all of you stopping or flying by!
xx

Edit: Xpost.. Awesome, Kensho!!!