Newbies Nest

[KENSHO]

Re: Newbies Nest

Good evening! Had a much better day today. I think the combination of the full moon, shorter days, fighting a virus, and not giving those neurotransmitters a hit of alcohol left me positively whacked. Happy to say I feel more like myself today. Looking forward to a quiet evening with the family.

Hope everyone has a quiet night.

[Guitarista]

Re: Newbies Nest

Hola Nesters near and not so far!

Happy 500 th. Wags! Wowza! Happy 100 Kingy! Golleeeeee! 2 Superstars right there. Look out for a complimentary pack of WD40 in your letterbox tomorrow.

Hey Elsie. AA'er's do reckon their way is effective, for good reason. A lot of sober support at such meetings based around a code of living/some simple rules for life that are the 12 steps. My take on the 12 steps and AA or NA is that if we have tried everything else, and we are still damn lost, then i would get in there anyway i could and go for it. Wonder if there's a more convenient meeting time for you that's earlier? 90 meetings in 90 days would have to have some kind of sobering effect i'd say. That is def an option for me if i end up struggling to stay sober again. In fact, even though i feel good and committed and strong, i'm thinking of launching myself into 90 meetings in 90 days anyway just as an exercise. I've been to enough AA meetings to know what they're about and to not feel intimidated or overwhelmed by thoughts or assumptions coming from me. At least we have this fine joint. Keep it going my friend. Keep coming back! :applause:

Another Yuuuuuuge milestone coming up here in the nest very soon. Keep kicking arse in your own way friends.

[Guitarista]

Re: Newbies Nest

Kicking back here on a wednesday night. I feel so calm and relaxed generally and overall, despite the chaos and noise of city life. I think it's because the noise in my head has quietened down to a far more manageable level! This is due to living sober. As i close in on 100 days like our friend Mooning has just accomplished, the feeling is chilled, energised, and mighty fine. Where's my magic carpet? Ah there he is......'here boy!'!

[moonking]

Re: Newbies Nest

Kensho - glad you’ve made it through a hard night and are using skills from before. Glad you are feeling better. I’m with you on the 6am thing - if I could sleep until noon every day I would. Thank you for the kind words, I know (logically) I won’t regret not drinking around the kids, it’s the non-logical part of my brain that needs to get on board!

Byrdie - love the banana on the dinosaur?? is that a dinosaur? let’s call it a dinosaur!

LC - Um, well, yes sometimes I have chips. I haven’t taken to drinking it straight from the jar, but I won’t lie a spoon has been involved. I’m a condiment girl though - I’d eat cheese sauce, ranch, italian dressing, salsa, etc with a spoon. It’s not hard to please me with food. I don’t think I could do AA meetings. I’m such an introvert and opening up like that is my worst nightmare. I did inpatient treatment and lots of IOPs for eating disorders and I don’t know if it helped or not (I mean, inpatient, yeah, because you’re forced to change your habits…) Usually I find solace in individual therapy - glad you are talking to someone. Helps to have a non-biased person. But I suck at being in therapy even though I get something from it. I have a hard time crying in front of people and letting my wall down. I hope you get what you are looking for from it.

Oh, I also forgot to report that I’m on day 3 of no soda. That’s a huge vice for me and I it makes me feel like crap even though I crave, crave, crave Dr. Pepper. I had given it up for a couple of months (I think) before I got pregnant, but Coke seemed to help settle my stomach so I allowed myself to have it again. But now that I’m feeling better I want out of that, too. Save the damn calories for cookie dough or salsa.

NS - Dang, that description of wasting time drinking is pretty much the timeline every night I went through. Sends a bit of a shiver down my spine. I don’t want to do that again. I think what I want when I say “normal” is to drink like my husband. If I told him that we could never have alcohol in the house again because I couldn’t control it, he’d shrug and say fine and dump it all down the drain and never buy it again. He can drink 1 glass of wine or 1 beer or none at all and life is still the same for him. I don’t understand it. While not the exact same, I suppose it’s like he is with cake. The man will bake a cake and cannot eat less than half. He keeps going back for more until he’s sick. I have absolutely no desire for cake. If you told me that I could never, ever eat cake again I’d shrug and say whatever. It just doesn’t appeal to me. It’s a good reminder that one drink to my husband does not do the same thing to his brain as it does to mine. I’ll try to keep that in the forefront of my brain.

G - you sound so positive, I’d do anything to have part of that positivity in my brain right now!

Just wanted to respond to everyone. Will be posting a bit later about some revelations I had last night and about another incident (not dog related) that happened this morning and I need your non-biased thoughts on. Just trying to get my head in order.

[paulywogg]

Re: Newbies Nest

Congrats on 500 days Wags! 30+ days LC! 100+ Moonking !and nearing 100 Mr.G! Be proud of yourselves waves to all the nesters

[KENSHO]

Re: Newbies Nest

Ugh. Another late night dusted. I don't think I can keep up with the schedule I once kept. Turns out my kids have a late start today, which means the meeting I have rescheduled twice is now going to get another bump. I just can't seem to keep it all in my head any more. I might have to take the Wonder Woman cape off and look for more normal attire. I'm so tired of feeling like I have to be in 20 places at once!

On the good side of crazy, I am not drinking. So that's a win. I may get fired from a project today, but I'm not drinking

Off to face the world with half the sleep and all the heart :heartbeat:

[Pavati]

Re: Newbies Nest

Hi, All:

I love the NS truth serum that she drops in her once in a while. Yes, the "normal" is all relative. I think the cake analogy is perfect - I could take or leave cake also. And most drinkers I know couldn't take or leave it very well... I can become proud of being sober because it highlights my ability to process stress and have fun on my own - without the assistance of a lethal chemical.

I haven't gone to any sober meetings. I still think one day I might - I think I would probably like it, especially developing a sober community, but I have a very public job and I am not up for that yet. That of course doesn't make sense - anyone I would see there would be there for the same reason I am, but I am still chicken. That's why I come here daily...

Sorry about your mix up, Kensho - hope today goes well.

G - Sounding great. Looking forward to celebrating that BIG milestone with you.

As for the passive aggressive employee - she's under me organizationally but I don't currently have the power to move her, so I have to try to deal with her an minimize her impact on the rest of the staff. Just annoying. Thanks for all of your support.

Happy SOBER Hump Day.
Pav

[lifechange]

Re: Newbies Nest

Hi Nesters!
It's 420 in the afternoon and after a gloomy day, it's almost dark.. this is my year to make Winter (and especially the creepy 330 time) as warm and cozy as possible! To try and change the way I feel about it. Let's see. Today I bought some cookies from the bakery and have made a fennel tea, lit a candle and have come to visit you all. The last time André was here, a couple weeks ago, we made an appt. for him to come by today.. I called him earlier this week to confirm and he said he'd come around 4. Today I was feeling stressed and wasn't sure he was someone I wanted to spend time with right now and wanted to cancel.. but one of my "works in progress" is thinking well about the plans I want to make, making a decision and then sticking with them. (that's why it was difficult last night with regards to the meeting.. but i'm still learning!) So I didn't cancel.. but he hasn't yet shown up. I know he doesn't have any family or friends around so I thought I could offer him some company.. but I think I'm done. If he stops by at some point and I have time, then ok. But I won't make plans again.

Pav, I think that's also one of the reasons I'm unsure about the aa meetings.. there are so few in English in my neck of the woods, but the ones that do exist are almost literally across the street. I felt very uncomfortable on Monday morning when I was leaving the meeting at 9, and one of the women walked out with me to pick up all of the AA directional signs hanging.. It was held at a church which is also a school and there were so many people bringing their kids in.. I want to be ok with it and eventually I will be.. but maybe not yet. The Sunday meeting feels safer.. also in a different location. I have decided to take on more pod casts though..

Kensho, here's to full hearts! I hope everything went/is going alright today.. I am all for taking off that WW cape! At least for awhile.. I'm sure she needed a break sometimes, too! They just didn't show us that part..

Moon, I had to laugh out loud at the thought of you eating all those things with a spoon.. you are the condiment queen.. I love them, too, and can pack A LOT on a chip or a french fry or a celery stick (if I'm being especially healthy).. but I do need a crunch with it.

Thanks for your words, G-man! I am also in no way shrugging off the possibility of going the whole way with aa.. I think 90 meetings in 90 days would be a great challenge! Do you have a lot in your area? I know where my Mom lives, they have multiple meetings all hours of the day. I do like the idea of having a sober clan in person..

I went to the Therapist today to talk about what therapy might be good for me and she said she could really see me benefitting from Behavioral Therapy.. which is what I thought as well.. as we know, our development often stops or pauses when we begin to drink.. and since I've been using it as a coping mechanism since I was 14, and because I didn't have parents who were teaching me a different set of life skills, I didn't learn to deal. Now I know that most of the heavy emotions we feel we can't handle pass with time. But it has still been a knee jerk reaction to drink. Even though I'm feeling so good right now in my sobriety and I'm doing the work on a daily basis to change my neural pathways (thanks for the ted talk, Mr V!) I'm a bit afraid of the time (that's bound to come) that something I don't expect comes into play. I can imagine that having a weekly appt. with a therapist where I'm able to talk about everything and get a direct response/support/ideas on how to cope could help a lot.. Now, finding a Therapist is another story.. very difficult, but not impossible and she will help me out when I get back from our trip mid Jan..

ok. off to make some dinner. and maybe watch a film.. hope everyone has a good day! xx

[wagmor]

Re: Newbies Nest

LC - sorry to hear about Andre, but it does sound like creating a self-care boundary of not making any more plans is a good one. Great job on your work with the 330 creepy time - sounds like a positive way to take control of something you otherwise do not like. As for the AA mtgs, I think I'm hearing that you "want to want to go" to them, but you aren't quite there yet. And maybe they aren't a good fit, or maybe they are a challenge you should choose. Only you can truly know, and I think it's ok if you don't actually know right now Keep mulling and staying open to possibilities and I'm sure the direction that is best for you will present itself and be clear.

Kensho - sorry to hear about the scheduling snafus - I've had a few of those recently and it bums me out cuz it's totally out of character. In my case, it's also a sign that I'm trying to do too much and I need to heed the signs and back off a bit. I hope you don't get fired off the project, but yes, you are not drinking!

Moon - great job on quitting soda! That isn't an easy habit to break for many people, so great job adding this to your list. I can see how the Coke was an effective stomach soother when you weren't feeling well though.

Pav - I hope things ease up with the P-A co-worker. Such a bummer. I'm in the same boat as you - haven't been to any sober mtgs (although not totally opposed to them) - for me MWO and especially the Nest ARE my sober meetings



Well, I'm feeling a bit burned out on my end. I pushed hard the last few weeks getting several clients across the finish line with their professional exams last Saturday, and having the past few days mostly off has not turned out to be enough time to recover. But, instead of drinking my way through my "recovery" days I've been trying to knock little projects off my list - and have completed quite a few of them! Now I just want to clear my schedule and take a few more days off work, but I cannot do so. As I mentioned above though, I'm getting signs that I'm near over-extension and I really need to say "no" to adding any more work to my load for awhile - maybe until January.

Hope you all have fantastic days & eves. Happy Hump Day/Night!!!

[NoSugar]

Re: Newbies Nest

I think what I want when I say “normal” is to drink like my husband. If I told him that we could never have alcohol in the house again because I couldn’t control it, he’d shrug and say fine and dump it all down the drain and never buy it again. He can drink 1 glass of wine or 1 beer or none at all and life is still the same for him. I don’t understand it. While not the exact same, I suppose it’s like he is with cake. The man will bake a cake and cannot eat less than half. He keeps going back for more until he’s sick. I have absolutely no desire for cake. If you told me that I could never, ever eat cake again I’d shrug and say whatever. It just doesn’t appeal to me. It’s a good reminder that one drink to my husband does not do the same thing to his brain as it does to mine.

Yeah, we all have our own potential addictions. The carb/booze addictions are pretty closely linked biochemically. If I had understood all of that years ago, I never would have consumed alcohol at all! Growing up and in early adulthood I was fine if I didn't eat any cake, cookies, etc. but if I had "one", I had MANY (sound familiar???). One memory I have is of eating brownies or bars out of the pan just to "even up" the cut. Then I'd ram my fork into the smooth line so I'd have to even it out again :egad:. And then, I'd do it again... If I ate one Pepperidge Farm cookie, I ate the bag of 15. When I started in on the cookie dough, I barely got any cookies out of the batch. The compulsive behavior was exactly the same as with alcohol (although with less secrecy and shame). On the other hand, I can't stand gambling, smoking, porn, other drugs, shopping, or any number of addictive substances or behaviors so I don't think I'm at risk of a substitute addiction. I guess the trick is for each of us to know what has the potential to control us and stay away from those.

Wags, one thing to think about with all the things you have to do is whether they really need to be done or you believe that they need to be done. I wasted so much time with things I thought were essential and it turns out they were nothing but ideas I made up or bought into. They weren't real at all. My work stress has almost disappeared since I developed that approach and I used to have stomachaches and lose sleep over it. And the good news is, my work hasn't suffered.

Same with P/A people. I tend to get all bent out of shape when I'm on the receiving end of that and yet it doesn't bother my husband at all. The reason is that I attribute to the person all the things that I would mean if I behaved that way or said those things. I give their words and behaviors meanings that may not at all be what they are trying to communicate. My husband, on the other hand, takes things at face value and doesn't interpret others in terms of himself. It doesn't necessarily fix anything but it sure lessens the stress of the relationship. (And if your failure to pick up on the messages the P/A person is trying to send, too bad so sad for them :belchha: !)

[moonking]

Re: Newbies Nest

So, my revelations and incidents as I think I’ve finally collected my thoughts.

My biggest realization is that I use alcohol to escape. I’m guessing that’s a pretty common thing. But, I have very high anxiety and a very hard time of letting things go. I’m a “feeler” so to speak and I do not like hurting other people, whether it was intentional or not. I am constantly worried about if I said or did the right thing. I will agonize over something I said at a party or at work for weeks. Alcohol was my way of forgetting all this for a brief night. When I drink, I can shut my damn mind up. I can focus on the present.

Without alcohol, or something to numb my mind, I’m kind of a mess. The dog thing had me going for days and still has me going, although I’m getting better at pushing it out of my mind. But this morning, we were on our way to work, the toddler and I. (Hubby is working from home this week.) I see a car with it’s flashers on and as I pass by and look in the rearview mirror, I see the front is all crunched in. I didn’t stop. Because I had a toddler in the car. What a bullshit reason, right? I should have stopped. So I decide that I will drop my daughter off at daycare and turn around and go back. But by that time (about 5 minutes) an ambulance was already on its way. But I’ve dwelled on this for most of the day. Normally I would go home and do my thing and be able to not think about this. But instead, I will think about it and I probably will not sleep tonight. What kind of shitty person doesn’t even stop? I’m just plain embarrassed with myself.

I had a terrible night last night. I went down a very dark path that I haven’t gone down in a very long time. To make a long story short, I picked my kiddo up from daycare and apparently “went the wrong way” according to her to get home. I went the same way we always do. Cue a meltdown. She cried and screamed the entire 30 minutes home. It ultimately turned into the fact that I did not have a blankie in the car. I tried to reach back to her, talk to her in a calming voice and tell her it was OK to be upset, I heard her, but I did not have a blankie. Every time I spoke she just screamed louder and kicked harder. At one point she started kicking the TV we have in the car and I lost my cool. I said that she would lose all TV privileges if she did not stop kicking that. That while its OK to be upset, it is not OK to damage things. Then, I started crying because I just did not know what to do. It was literally 30 minutes of unconsolable crying from her. When we got home, I parked in the garage, turned the car off and opened the door to unbuckle her. She kicked and hit and screamed even more. I gathered my stuff and tried again. Same thing. So I went inside (left the car door open.) Of course she’s screaming, so my husband goes out and gets her and immediately asks, “Why did you leave her strapped in the car?”

I lost it crying at that point and just went upstairs to change into my pajamas. He was able to calm her down and got her dinner and when he asked her what happened, she said: “Mommy scared me.” This broke me. This hurt my heart more than I can explain. I didn’t think when I lost my cool that I screamed or was out of control, I was just very stern. Or maybe she was scared when she was buckled in and I walked away. But solidifies my fears. I used to think I was so terrible at everything else. I messed everything up - friendships, relationships, jobs, etc. I thought maybe I would succeed at motherhood and it turns out I’ve managed to screw that up, too. The literal most important job in my lifetime and for 3 years I have done nothing but fail time after time after time after time. I attributed a lot of my thoughts right after she was born to PPD/PPA. But those thoughts have followed me. I didn’t bond with her right away. I was scared when they gave her to me. I wanted them to take her away. I failed at breastfeeding. I was the one bawling in the middle of the night because I was so tired. I was the one that was hallucinating in the middle of the night because I hadn’t slept and she never stopped crying. I was the one that caused her so much pain in the beginning (allergy from my milk that we didn’t identify until later.) I was the one that forgot to lock the wheels of the stroller and she rolled off the porch at 12 weeks old. I’m the one that would get so frustrated when bedtime would take 2, sometimes 3 hours. It was my husband who never lost his cool. He would sweetly rock her in the middle of the night while I was having an anxiety attack. He was the one who was fine with bedtime taking so long, because that was “their” time. He was the one who has been a better mommy. She has never wanted me. She runs to him at daycare when we pick her up. All the teachers think it’s so “cute” that she loves her daddy so much and I play along and act like it is, but what they don’t see is her throwing an absolute fit when it’s my turn to read her stories or put her to bed. It tears me to pieces when she pushes me away.

They deserve better than me. My daughter deserves a mom who isn’t riddled with anxiety or have addiction problems. My husband deserves a wife who doesn’t go crazy over little things. I feel like that if I just could disappear, he could move on and find a better mom for my daughter. They could live happily ever after without me, but if I’m around…it just causes pain and heartache. There are days that I sit in my car (alone) at stop light and wish that some dump truck would just slam into me and take care of it. They’d get the insurance money and I wouldn’t be there to inflict my toxicity upon them. I love them both so, so, so, so much but they deserve someone better. I am always screwing something up. And it’s very easy to point these things out, yet I can’t remember the last time my husband told me something positive I did. I don’t think he’s ever told me that I am a good mom. And that’s saying something. I mean, I could point out 10 things he’s done for me in the past week. He couldn’t point out one. I will never, ever be good enough for them.

I can’t express these fears/thoughts to anyone, especially not my husband. My heart cannot risk hearing his response. I can’t risk hearing that it’s all in my head, or I just need to talk to someone, or a simple: “OK” before he goes back to doing whatever, or “it’s just the hormones” or whatever. What I want is a great big hug and a “What can I do to help?” or “I love you so much” or “You mean everything to me” or “I couldn’t do this without you.” And I absolutely hate myself for needing to hear those things. But if I pour out my heart and soul and put my entire sanity on the table and all I hear is how selfish I’m being or what I’ve done wrong, it might shatter the already broken pieces. And I’m not sure how to put those back together.

So, that’s why I drink. Because I don’t want to live inside my brain anymore.

[abcowboy]

I really am at a loss for words [MENTION=23999]moonking[/MENTION], and it's mostly because I'm a man and can't begin to imagine what you're going through. But I see your thoughts going down a road that I've been down, and I can tell you that you don't want to go there!

My advice, get to a counsellor/therapist as soon as you can! I was forced to go and I'm glad I was because it saved my life.

[paulywogg]

Re: Newbies Nest

:hug:Moonking,it took a lot of guts to post all of that out here,I don't know the right thing to say but I do know that WE ALL have some thoughts similar to yours,we feel like horrible people for even thinking such things and it's hard not to dwell on feeling like shit for even thinking like that in the first place,you're not a terrible mother,stuff happens,meltdowns happen,I don't feel you're in a position to hurt your child or yourself,,sounds like you're just venting it out,can you maybe find a therapist to talk things out? Im sure it wouldn't hurt,I'm sorry today has been rough for you:hug:

[Lavande]

Re: Newbies Nest

Good evening Nesters,

It's getting cold in Lav-land, brrr!!!
Glad my feathered friends have their heavy feather coats to keep them warm

Moonking, as I read your post all I could think of was - this poor girl is overtired & dealing with pregnancy hormones & an overtired toddler. Please take it from me as someone who has been through all that - you are OK & everything is going to be OK.
There is no such thing as a perfect person, none of us will ever fit that bill. All we can do each day is our best & that has to be enough. You are making positive changes in your life right now that will serve you for the long haul. Keeping our thinking on the positive side is a huge help. Don't beat yourself up over the stupid sh*t that goes thru your head. We don't have to believe every thought we have. Choose to focus on the positive thoughts, I do.
If you think talking to a therapist would be helpful then that's what you should do. Be kind to yourself & don't compare yourself to anyone else :hug:
We are always here & willing to listen too.

I can't believe how fast the days are flying by. We'll be starting a brand new year in no time We still have plenty of time left to make some major progress in our AF lives & that's awesome!

Wishing everyone a safe & cozy night in the nest!

Lav

[Guitarista]

Re: Newbies Nest

Hi Moonking.

Let me tell you my impressions of you. Here you are, a wife and mother pregnant again with a beautiful precious baby on the way. That baby is in very good hands. You have achieved 100 + days sober. That is simply heroic. This is not easy to do for people like us, no way! But you are doing it. You are taking responsibility for yourself, baby and the rest of your family. You are worth so much more than you know. You are irreplaceable in your family unit, and i bet you are valued beyond what you think. Yep, i agree you should get FAR more BIG hugs! Here's one. :hug: You are amazing my friend, and your family would be very lost without you. Breathe! and try to get some time out/me time for yourself if you can. Keep us posted good buddy.