Newbies Nest

[wagmor]

Re: Newbies Nest

Oh Moonking, first of all :hug:

Thank you for sharing such deep and honest feelings. I'm guessing that was some difficult work to sort through all of what you're feeling and the various memories/experiences, and then to put everything into order and words. I hear and see your self-reflection, and I thank you for trusting us enough to share all of this.

While fatigue and hormones are probably playing a role in all that you're feeling, it sounds like things run quite a bit deeper, and that you've been feeling at least some of these things for quite a while. I heard you say several things about feeling like you're not good enough for your husband and daughter. That must be terribly painful and difficult to feel that way.

My heart goes out to you Moon. You mean a heckuva lot to us here in the nest - how can we best help you?

For now, sending you another :hug:

[Pavati]

Re: Newbies Nest

Hi, Nest:

Wow, Moon - thank you for being honest with us. I hope we can help.

I am not a therapist - I truly think therapy would help you. What Lav says is the truest - thoughts don't all have to be true. I am working on this myself, and it goes with what NS says - you don't know exactly what your husband is thinking. As a mother of two, I can CERTAINLY attest to having been in the situation you describe - losing my cool in a way that seemed horrible to me at the time. You're only human. My kids used to cry and have tantrums when I picked them up - sometimes daycare are very stressful to them, and only when they are finally in a safe place (with their moms in the car) can they let it out. Of course her screaming wasn't about going the wrong way, or even probably not having the blanket. She was decompressing in a way her 3-year-old brain knew how with a person she considers safe.

My drinking amped up with my second child. He screamed for 2 hours every night - not as bad as colic, but unconsolable for two hours a night for a while. I would pour myself strong drinks just to "get through" and it became even more of a habit. What I can say from this side of a four year quit is that since quitting I have become a much better mom. I have infinitely more patience, and I don't take anything - including what my kids throw at me - as personally. I can think through situations and react more calmly (and, occasionally lose my temper!).

I hope you have a better day today. I really appreciate Wags' post. Please let us know how we can help you. You got this!

Happy Thursday, Nest. Take good care of yourselves.

Pav

[KENSHO]

Re: Newbies Nest

Hi Moon. I have been thinking about your post. First of all, I’m sending you lots of soothing thoughts! You shared things that many of us have done - you are not alone. I think many of us here drank to shut our minds up, me included. You are not alone there!

But I also want to tell you that you sound like a normal mom dealing with tantrums, and adding pregnancy on top of it. My kids have told me they were scared of me after I talked with them sternly. I’ve yelled, screamed and stormed out before. And I don’t believe either of us have screwed up motherhood. I know that many, many mothers struggle to breast feed, (that is why they used wet nurses long ago) so you are not along there either. I remember shaking in the hospital bed after the birth of my first thinking, “My life is over, what have I done?”. Also, once visiting my husband at work, I set my infant (3 months?) in a chair in his boss’ office (the CHIEF!!), and she fell off and did a face plant right in front of all three of us. I was so embarassed! Also when she was about that age, I had her in the carrier pouch on my chest, and I was cooking. She reached out and touched a hot pan and got serious burns on her finger. I felt awful! It’s a miracle we even make it through some of the things we face, honestly. It’s not easy being a parent, ad the things you describe sound like normal scenarios that you are giving yourself a really hard time about. I think a qualified therapist that you connect with could help you sort out your feelings :hug:

I've been up and down so much the last week. There are times, like last night, that I am operating on blind faith that I will be glad I don't drink and that you all are right. Sometimes I clearly understand that I do not drink alcohol any more, and other times I feel so out of sorts that my understanding is muddled and I just want to escape. I trust that it will all be better without alcohol. I think that's the thing... it is sometimes bad without alcohol, but it certainly won't be better with it. SO sometimes we just feel yuck.

Today is better though - looking forward to my son's orchestra concert tonight. He was given a speaking part and I'm proud of him!

Best to everyone, take it easy on yourselves. All we can do is listen to our hearts and put our best foot forward. That is enough. And MOONKING, in case you haven't heard it recently... you are enough.

[lifechange]

Re: Newbies Nest

Hi Nesters,

Moon, I've also been thinking of you the whole day.. I'm right here with the others in saying that we are here to support you. I don't have a lot to add to the great posts above.. much love and big hugs to you! And you ARE enough, I'll say it again..:love:

""I think that's the thing... it is sometimes bad without alcohol, but it certainly won't be better with it.""Great line, Kensho.. thanks for that.
Today I had a crappy day with a headache, neck ache, all-around not great mood and a ton of stuff to do.. I kept thinking, I don't drink and of getting home to the Nest.. I knew there would be some inspiration here, some words of wisdom! And I was right.

Off to bed early tonight. Wishing everybody well.. xx

[moonking]

Re: Newbies Nest

Thank you all, for the kind words. I hate that lots of you have felt the same things, but it’s also nice to not be alone. Also, thank you for letting me be a sounding board. This has been festering for a long time and it feels good to write it out.

I felt like my post was a rambling of incoherent thoughts after I posted it and wanted to delete it, but decided to just keep it there. Usually those types of writings only happened when I was drunk and it’s nice to know my feelings and thoughts are “real” I guess. I was good at convincing myself that it was just my drunk brain talking…but I suppose there was more to it.

I know therapy would probably help, I just been in and out of it since I was 13 and feel like everyone says the same thing. I guess what it boils down to is what I need is affirmation that I am a good wife/mother from my husband. Again, I hate that I NEED that, but it is what it is. I don’t know how to even begin not needing that. I always say I feel like I missed the ‘common sense’ class in life. Stuff that just doesn’t occur to me. Maybe I could get things done in an easier or more convenient way, but they don’t occur to me. I still get them done. On one hand I probably take things way too personally, but on the other hand I don’t know why every “flaw” needs to be pointed out. Feeling like this has made me second guess and/or over think simple things that should come so easily to the average person. I’m constantly asking myself, “What if I make the wrong decision?” I can’t handle being told one more time that I’m just not good enough. I’ve felt my whole life like I can see the goal, I can see success and it’s just out of reach. I keep working hard and trying and something always sets me back.

I know, deep down, that I need have an open and honest conversation with my husband about this. But, I already feel weak and don’t want to get beat down any more than I already am. I have told him I wish he could live a day in my head because no one can beat me down the way I can. My therapist in high school used to ask me if I’d allow anyone else to talk to me the way I talk to me and the answer was no. But it just seems normal when it’s me talking to myself. I’m afraid of what my husband really thinks of me. I know he loves me and I know he’s the best daddy ever to our daughter, I’m just not sure how to get it through his head that I have this massive anxiety ridden brain. Because it seems like every decision I make is wrong. I mean, last night he said something completely obnoxious to me. I told him it hurt my feelings and he just shrugs. I told him I wanted an apology for hurting my feelings. HIs answer is: “I didn’t mean to hurt your feelings.” I know, but that’s not the point. The point is that it DID hurt my feelings and you should apologize for that. But as I was explaining things, he just sits there silently. Doesn’t respond. I asked him if he heard me and he said: “I just don’t have anything to say.” Just acknowledge that I was talking! A simple, “OK” would suffice.

Oddly enough, the only place I feel I can “succeed” is work. I am confident at my job. No one there would ever know I had an anxiety or depression (or alcohol) problem. Work is my one place where I can come and put everything in my personal life behind me and focus on something else. I can pour all my anxiety into my work and make things as perfect as I want them. If it’s not good enough, I can do it again. Maybe it’s because I receive actual feedback at work? I fee like people listen to me and take me seriously.

And maybe I just don’t feel like that at home in my relationship? I don’t think he’s doing it on purpose, I think he grew up in a family that does not show affection or gratitude or affirmation (and I love my in-laws dearly). And so it’s just not a part of who he is. Maybe if I felt appreciated more I’d be more confident. I don’t know, some days I just feel like an inconvenience and like he wouldn’t even miss me if I was gone. That it would be more of a relief than anything else.

I feel like I’m being whiny and overly needy, which is also probably why I don’t open up to him. I don’t want to be “that wife.” What scares me though is I see a lot of me in my daughter. She has incredible empathy for others, but I fear she is a “feeler” like me and I don’t want her to ever feel like she’s an inconvenience to me or her dad. I don’t want her to feel like she has to mask her feelings. I guess she needs to learn by example and if I truly want to be a good mom, I have to stop hiding mine and be honest. And being alcohol free will help with that.

On a positive note, on my way home I saw another accident (this time the deer was in the road.) Because I was unsure of what to do (but still afraid to stop, as this was in the boonies on a dangerous road in the dark) I did call my husband and asked what he would do. He said he would call the non-emergency police number and they sent someone out to help the car. So I feel like I was able to redeem myself somewhat.

I broke down and had a Dr. Pepper at lunch, grrrrr….now I will not sleep tonight.

[Guitarista]

Re: Newbies Nest

Oddly enough, the only place I feel I can “succeed” is work. I am confident at my job. No one there would ever know I had an anxiety or depression (or alcohol) problem. Work is my one place where I can come and put everything in my personal life behind me and focus on something else. I can pour all my anxiety into my work and make things as perfect as I want them. If it’s not good enough, I can do it again. Maybe it’s because I receive actual feedback at work? I fee like people listen to me and take me seriously.

And maybe I just don’t feel like that at home in my relationship? I don’t think he’s doing it on purpose, I think he grew up in a family that does not show affection or gratitude or affirmation (and I love my in-laws dearly). And so it’s just not a part of who he is. Maybe if I felt appreciated more I’d be more confident.

.

Kingy, sounds like a long convo needs to be had where both sides listen, and are listened too. Not a one way convo, but an even sided talk together. I dunno much about re....rela.....relationships, but i know enough to know that from what you say, a formal talk seems to be needed to let you and him speak and be heard. Formal talk is only a suggestion. This might mean having a time limit, and some rules about no talking over each other set beforehand? I dunno. If he's even a little like me, he might need to prepare himself mentally and emotionally before he comes to the table, so that he's prepared to listen and be open hearted and minded to go with the flow of what's discussed, and also not be afraid to put forward his thoughts and feelings. I'm just waffling on with some ideas my friend. Thought management and knowing that our thoughts are not always real, especially the putting ourselves down thoughts, is something we can learn and use. The 3 P's thread here might be of interest to you. Hope you're ok there.

In other news. Lawdy lawdy mumma.........it's, it's 100 days today. Right behind ya MK!

[Lavande]

Re: Newbies Nest

Good evening Nesters,

CONGRATS on the 100 AF days G!!!! :yay:
Keep going buddy & have no regrets!

Moonking, it just dawned on me that you have the same communication dynamic going on at home that I have at mine - difficult!
I often wondered if a couples counseling session or two would help. Of course I could never get my husband to agree to go. Do you think that would help in your situation? Just a thought Have a restful evening!

Colder today & will be even colder tomorrow with the first light snowfall likely tomorrow night, oh joy!

Hello to everyone & wishing a safe night in the nest for all!

Lav

[Byrdlady]

Re: Newbies Nest

Moon, a sad, reflective day for you. Im sorry. As you were lamentimg the fact that you are alive, I am lamenting the fact that my brother died 45 years ago today. He was 17, I was 12. He left school early to take a dimmer switch back to the store. The light bulb from the stairs shined right into my eyes when I went to bed. He was putting a dimmer on there for me so I could sleep. Unfortunately, all three of the teens were killed instantly this day forty five years ago. That changed our lives forever. Id give anything to have my brother back. Christmas was never the same after that. One day, we will gather round our table and catch up. I sure miss that man.

Hope everyone has a good eveving. Hugs to all, Byrdie

[wagmor]

Re: Newbies Nest

Byrdie - I'm so sorry to hear about your brother. I know you've mentioned him before but I don't think I knew what happened to him. That must have been horribly painful for so many people, and for you as a 12-year-old younger sister who he was trying to help. I just want to reach through the screen and give you a big hug right now. I hope over time you have found comfort in your memories of him.

:hug:

[wagmor]

Re: Newbies Nest

G-dude!!! Congrats on reaching the century mark! You don't look a day over 99

Keep up the great work! Always enjoy your thoughtful and witty posts - looking forward to the next 100 days with you. :congrats:

[lifechange]

Re: Newbies Nest

Good Morning Nesters..

Byrdie, I'm so sorry to hear that you lost your brother in such a tragic accident. I can only imagine what that must feel like... Surely you'll meet up again someday. Big hugs, dear lady.

G-man, way to go on 100 days. I'm happy to celebrate this day with you.. in your honour, speed meditation and yoga this morning. Hope you're having a great day.. you've been doing the work each and every day and you're finding your way out.. onward we go!

Moon, I bumped the Three Principles Discussion thread to the top of General.. as G said, there is a lot of good stuff in there. It has helped me immensely in understanding my thoughts, how I'm affected by them and how I can change their direction. It's given me some power over my own life because I realize how much of my pain, shame, sorrow, anger was due to MY perspective/how I was interpreting a situation and then often, hanging on to those thoughts (and in doing so making my life ever more miserable)... that doesn't mean that I don't have any expectations.. but I honestly have fewer and I'm able to better step back and not take everything that everyone does (or doesn't do) or the things that happen to me so personally. I can see that I have control over what goes on in my head and this has really made a difference in my life. Big hugs to you! I hope you were able to sleep after the dr pep.. I didn't know that had caffeine!

Wags and Lav, NS, Pav, Ava, Kensho, Marylou, all of you wonderful people stopping in or flying by the Nest! Wishing you a good Friday.. TGIF! I love that my Fridays are now met with the excitement of having a weekend.. just a few weeks ago I was drinking the time away. Hours and days of my life down the drain. That was my reality..No more!

[Mick]

Re: Newbies Nest

Moon, a sad, reflective day for you. Im sorry. As you were lamentimg the fact that you are alive, I am lamenting the fact that my brother died 45 years ago today. He was 17, I was 12. He left school early to take a dimmer switch back to the store. The. Light fron the srait bulb showm right into my eyes when I wemt to bed. He was putting a dimmer on there for me so I could sleep. Unfortunately, all three of the teens were killed instantly this day forty five years ago today. That changed our lives forever. Id give anything to have my brother back. Christmas was never the same after that. One day, we will gather round our table and catch up. I sure miss that man.

Hope everyone has a good eveving. Hugs to all, Byrdie

big hugs to you T,,,,again for us this is a pretty rubbish time of year,and like you we have some really raw memories which are so so painful..those folks are alive in my heart and head,and again I know we will again meet

[lifechange]

Re: Newbies Nest

Just a quick check in again..
this evening my ex and his son are coming over for dinner.. I invited them to pre-celebrate my daughter's bday coming up 'cause I knew it would make her happy.. and it does. I noticed throughout the day that I had a strong urge to cancel.. and not a strong urge, but thoughts about drinking ahead of time.. which is what I used to do. I know I won't.. I don't drink!! But it can't hurt to write it out here, keep my intentions in line.
Funny, a few months ago it was SO important for me to continue to be friends with him.. I was so afraid of losing him completely. Now with some time, I realize that he didn't know me as well as I thought he did.. and his disinterest in me doesn't really bother me any more (I used to be trying to prove something.. that I was worth being interested in) because I know I'm ok. And I have friends who really do know me and love and accept me. So these dinners are just for the kids.. and if I leave it at that it's not so bad.. Just focus on them!

[Pavati]

Re: Newbies Nest

Hi, Nest:

Byrdie, I am so sorry. I can only imagine how hard it is for a family, not to mention a 12-year-old girl, to recover from such a loss. Especially because he was doing you a favor. Hugs through the ether. xo

Moon - I second Lav with the couple's therapy. My husband and I did it a while ago - it was eye opening for me to realize that my actions and reactions contributed to our unhealthy dynamic as much as my husbands! I wanted the therapist just to tell me I was right. It was a good exercise for us and has had us communicating much better since. You could even couch it in the alcohol conversation if you can/want.

LC - that sounds about right - relax, and remember it is for the kids.

Onya, G! So happy for you. Congratulations, keep that attitude of gratitude, and keep on rawkin' on. Thanks for your spirit and enthusiasm around here.

I have my first two in my slew of TOO MANY holiday parties tonight. I will eat, say hi, and when the mood strikes drive home in my own car. Yawn.

Happy SOBER Friday. No ticket to Boozeville in my bag...

xo
Pav

[KENSHO]

Re: Newbies Nest

G-100!! G-100! Awesome my friend!

LC, Hope that dinner is fun. I have realized that the times I really want to go back to my old ways, but DON'T - are the very times that I feel stronger and happier and better once they're over. I have begun to see the tests this way - as opportunities to feel like a million bucks the next day!

Byrdie, thinking of you and your brother. I'm sure he's proud of you right now! Seeing our loved ones again some day is comforting to me too. Hugs.

Moon, hope you're having a good today! You've taken such good steps in the right direction by putting your deepest thoughts out there. It won't all be solved over night, but a long as you and I and everyone keep moving forward and putting honesty out there, I find that things progress. Hugs to you and that little one you're carrying!

I have an easier day today, and I'm glad for that. I absolutely hate waking up at 6am - I feel tired all day. I'll be glad when the light goes the other direction in a couple weeks!

I also can't believe how much things seem better after 2 weeks AF. I forgot how much of myself I gave away to alcohol. Feeling good today