Newbies Nest

[moonking]

Re: Newbies Nest

Welcome, Belle! Glad to have you here. The nest is a great place to share thoughts, feelings, whatever. Most of my posts and long and rambling and everyone is so open and welcoming to that, which is nice.

[Pavati]

Re: Newbies Nest

Hi, Nest:

Welcome, Belle. Sounds like you had a bad time. The good news is, that alcohol-induced guilt, shame and remorse doesn't have to happen EVER AGAIN! Alcohol may have the power once you start drinking, but you have the power not to drink in the first place. As Ava says, we all have our stories.

Ava - congratulations to your son. I had to look up ICE when you first mentioned it here - it sounds serious and difficult to quit. That is an amazing milestone for him and your family. Glad you get some time off...

We had a fun family day yesterday. The weather was beautiful, although creepy because it needs to be raining here and there is no rain in sight.

Happy sober Monday. So happy to be un-hung from the weekend.

Pav

[K1wiBro]

Re: Newbies Nest

Well, another day without AL - baby steps! Couldn't get to sleep for ages last night - wasn't thinking about anything and I was exhausted, maybe just an effect from not drinking, I remember lots of sleepless nights just after I'd quit previous times. Heard all the talk from last Friday's work drinks. Sounds like most of the people there went on until 3am - that's 12 hours of drinking! Not one time hearing about it did I think 'I wish I'd stayed'. And every story ended the same: hungover on the couch the next day! There's yet another work party this Friday, but I doubt it'll be as raucous as last week. I'm going to have a AF soda then leave early again and as for Saturday, I'm hoping for some nice summer weather and plan on getting out to a beach for the day and being active. Then by the time I get home I'll be too tired to do anything but eat and go to bed!

[moonking]

Re: Newbies Nest

Your post got me thinking, K1 - specifically about work parties and an upcoming business trip. These parties (and the trip) used to be "so much fun" because they were just a big reason that I could go out and drink too much and it was "okay" because everyone else was, too. But the more and more I think about going to these things sober - at first I was thinking it was a "poor me, I can't drink, parties aren't going to be fun" type of thing. And now I'm wondering if it's just THOSE parties (work related) that wouldn't be much fun and that there isn't any harm in skipping out. Especially thinking about my business trips - good excuse for drinking in the airport at 10am, but overall, what am I really getting out of it? I'm going this year because there is a certification that I really think would help boost my career, but after this year? I dunno, the whole trip in and of itself just doesn't sound like a lot of fun if drinking isn't involved. And how silly to waste so much company money so I can go out and get sloshed?

Baby steps are good! I hope you can start to get some sleep soon!

[lifechange]

Re: Newbies Nest

Hi Nesters!

After 2 quite busy days I am beat! Had an hour long nap this afternoon which took me 20 minutes to wake up from.. not the spring chick I used to be!:happy2:
Speaking of, had to laugh at the thought of your chicken's green legs, Lav.. great idea, though! Glad she's found her spot there again.

Kensho, I also tend to set quite strict rules and plans for myself.. and am a perfectionist in following them through, which tends to set me up for failure. I know it has helped me immensely this time to set myself slack for everything! except drinking. I never wanted to do that before.. I always had a list of things that I wanted to do right away, that I thought would support my quit. But it was always too much.. this time, I only have lists of things I know I can succeed at.. getting up in the morning, making a coffee, going to work! I got the idea from Ava who told me a long time ago that in her first months of quitting AL she only made the commitment to herself to do 3 things a day and that's what her list looked like. I don't know--just a thought. how are you today? :hug: We're all here for you.. let this continue to be a place to get it all out.. regardless..

Ava, so happy that you'll have some time with your son! And thank god for his 4 years off Ice.. I was just watching some documentaries about that drug yesterday. Very scary.. I'd also be interested in the documentary he's taken part in..

Welcome, Belle!!:welcome:

Great job, Kiwi, on another af day! Sounds like a good plan you have. Can you get out of the party on Friday if you're not feeling up to it?

Thanks, Wags.. I do feel pretty good right now...but it is still a bit of a roller coaster as I work on new life skills. I was thinking this morning that sometimes it's HARD, when out of nowhere thoughts of drinking come into my head.. and the AV sounds so reasonable. Happened yesterday, right in the middle of my nice birthday day.. I was in a location where I often used to drink (I've been there since I quit and this hasn't happened.. the place I do my laundry..embarrasing!) and the urge hit me like a brick. I left immediately, came home and spent a good couple of hours dealing with it.. reminding myself of all the reasons it would be a terrible idea to drink. It would go away and then come back. It felt laborious, heavy... but nothing compared to how hard it would have been for me to get anywhere near the mindset I'm in now 90% of the time, if I'd decided to drink.. even a touch. And that's what I told myself, it's what I'm really beginning to believe, it's what some AF time is giving me.
Those times really scare me though.. I wish I knew how to prevent them from happening. But I guess it just takes more time, more rewiring of the brain, more forming of new habits..

Hi Moon!, Pav! Byrdie! G-man! Roobs! Pauly! Marylou! QW! big shout out to everyone stopping and flying by. xx

[Guitarista]

Re: Newbies Nest

Hi Nesters!

It would go away and then come back. It felt laborious, heavy... but nothing compared to how hard it would have been for me to get anywhere near the mindset I'm in now 90% of the time, if I'd decided to drink.. even a touch. And that's what I told myself, it's what I'm really beginning to believe, it's what some AF time is giving me.
Those times really scare me though.. I wish I knew how to prevent them from happening. But I guess it just takes more time, more rewiring of the brain, more forming of new habits..

Thanks Kingy! HYuuuuuge well done on your 106 days too. Keep it going buddy.

Hi Belle! Keep it going K-brah!

Elsie, did i miss your birthday? I don't remember reading about this momentous occasion?! Happy birthday my friend :sendflowers: Everyone tells us it gets easier with time, and the longer we put between our last drink and now. The science is there too. I am a Yhhhuuuuuuge believer in keeping early sobriety simple Ava style. I just need to do a couple of things on my list each day and job done. No stress. I also see the benefits of some sort of daily self care thrown in. Finding something we enjoy doing and do it.

Good golly miss molly! It must be day *&^%(*! Raawkin!

[KENSHO]

Re: Newbies Nest

Hi All and welcome Belle. Glad you found this forum.

I'm been thinking a lot. About what I want and what works and what doesn't. I could ramble, but I think this all comes down to me really listening to me (YES G!) and making decisions about what to drink, what to eat, my spirituality, social events, how to participate in the world. I need to get really, really clear on that and then live it - regardless of what others think or say or do. It's a bummer that some of my closest connections judge me or criticize me for those decisions, but all that matters is that it makes sense to me.

I forgot to tell you guys about a dinner late in the summer. My mom, who I explained my previous quit to, commented one night that I was drinking wine again. She came right out and asked me why I was doing that? She brought up my own words that drinking some inevitably lead me to want it all the time - and she asked how that was working for me? I honestly told her that I needed to stop again because I saw that was becoming the pattern. She was so supportive and so gently but matter-of-factly confronted me with my own words. THAT is how to be supportive to someone you love. My drinking or lack of didn't impact her time at all - she cared more about my health and happiness. Why can't my husband and close friends do the same? It shouldn't matter because what I THINK should be enough - and lucky me to have the mom I do - but it kind of sucks to be around these people who are always judging me for what I drink and eat or don't - because somehow what I do hinders their time? I'm not trying to be "better than" anyone else - I'm just trying to be the best me I can.

And part of me still wants to believe that I could truly have a glass of wine one time a month if I tried - but why even go to the trouble? I was so bummed that I allowed myself to be sucked into the moment on Saturday - and then what did I do last night? I said, "well, since I already had some, it doesn't matter, so I'll just have some more". And there's where the problem is. I may not drink 27 drinks a night - but I am a slave to it if I allow any. And I don't want to be a slave to anything.

Then there are the times when there is no pressure at all - I just know that I won't over drink in any given night, so I allow it in an attempt to feel better. The solution? Feel better other ways. I understand that concept. But when we are sad or weak it feels harder to avoid the easy gratification. I could go back to drinking 3 drinks a night. That's what it would be fairly quickly, because that's where I left off. And I came here in 2014 drained and desperate to stop that pattern. I couldn't stop. I couldn't have even just ONE in a night, let alone skip days. Alcohol is not a good thing for me. I abused it and became addicted to it and will live in a struggle or pre/post alcohol haze as long as I try to keep it in my life. I see these travel shows where people visit the kitchens of world renowned chefs, and alcohol is always a part of the equation. But I don't do it that way. I would enjoy that pairing they gave me, and then be watching the bottle in hopes of getting more, and then sneaking around the house looking for more. Alcohol puts me in an obsessive mood - focusing only on it. Is it true that these chefs who sample the "good stuff" with their amazing fare really could care less about it? Because if I am no different than them, then why can't I do the same?

Because it want it every night and it takes over my brain - becomes more important than safe driving, attending to my children's needs, taking care of myself... it seems so easy. Why do I question it? Because others question me. Because it was never an outward thing - this fight inside myself.

It started deep within me - locked in secrecy - and I guess it will have to end that way too.

[Guitarista]

Re: Newbies Nest

I think we have a lot of brainwashing and conditioning to undo around booze, and what's considered acceptable social behaviour and interaction Kensho.

Me? i am, and MUST ride on regardless and follow my bliss.......or be just another BORING fker. :llama:

[NoSugar]

Re: Newbies Nest

Kensho, the obsession is the addiction, not the quantity. What you've written above perfectly describes addiction if you leave out the references to amounts (which we use to tell ourselves a story we want to believe- that we're not that bad). I lied to myself about volumes anyway. One glass isn't one glass if you continuously top it off - and an empty bottle discovered in the morning doesn't lie. A shot at 4 pm counts as one. Most of us drank more than we admitted to others - or ourselves. But my point is, it doesn't matter.

It's great if you don't overdrink and risk harming yourself or others and you very likely could live that way, planning carefully when and how much to drink for many, many years. Maybe that will be what you choose to do. And maybe you'll even stay within your proscribed limits most of the time. But in my opinion you'll be paying a very high and unnecessary price, missing out on an unaddicted, obsession-free life. Like Pav's avatar says, we've had the power all along. I so hope you decide to use yours. xx

PS I think you have a great mom.

[available]

Re: Newbies Nest

Kensho we are not normal drinkers who can match wine with food. we are alcoholics, end of story. we either completely stop or we keep on the never ending merry-go-round of addiction. i refuse to feed that part of my brain that is laying in wait for me to have that sip of al. i didnt start as a 2 bottle a day drinker but that is how i finished! alcohol was my best friend back in the day, al understood me when i thought no one else did, al never spoke harshly to me, al never judged me and al accepted who i was. i gave up and lost my best friend al over four years ago. al died and he was buried. even though it was the hardest decision i had to make as i procrastinated i wasnt that bad, i could have a few and stop, i wasnt as bad as other people, if i tried i could be normal, i am only hurting myself, it relaxes me, i need it as i have had a bad day, it helps me sleep, it helps me in social situations, it helps me cope better, i can get through family gatherings if i drink, the sun is shining, the kids are annoying me, the traffic was bad, work was bad, someone pissed me off and the list goes on and on and on and on. We all have a book on the justification of drinking but i do know that my life 4 years sober is a hell of a lot better than battling with myself daily when i drank. I dont really give a f#ck what other people think of me as i am a good and nice person, i treat people as i would expect and like to be treated. This is what we learn sober, we learn tools to deal with life situations without the crap of al and all that it brings. i nearly lost everything drinking and not material things but myself, who i was and what i wanted. i was defensive and angry and sad and lonely, confused, guilty, ashamed and blamed everyone else for my life except for me and i just kept justifying to myself each and every day until i stopped the al and then i healed. people noticed how much happier i was to be around and the dynamics changed as time went on. Only we can make the choice to change and hope that passes on through to others. life is way too short, we only get one life to live and for that i am grateful that i have extended my life by giving up al.

[Byrdlady]

Re: Newbies Nest

Amen, Ava. I totally missed out on my 40’s. By the time I hit 50, my drinking was completely out of control. I wish like hell I had stopped 10 years sooner. But I held on to the hope that I could control the uncontrollable....Addiction. I was fighting a battle that could not be won.

When I finally sought help here, I had one more obstacle to overcome, I had to listen. This was hard, I thought I knew how I could best work this whole drinking thing. I just needed to work harder a moderating. That was the worst year of my life. Once I let go of AL, everything improved. Addiction effects things you cant even imagine. It effects our brains and every cell in our bodies. Turnagain posted on FB the photo of a normal brain beside that of an Alcoholic. It was shocking. But it really shouldn't be, if we think about pouring ethanol on a beautiful orchid everyday, it shouldn't surprise any of us that it shrivels up and dies.

Only time and distance away from AL gives us the ability to see those detrimental effects clearly. Plenty of times early on, I felt like I was missing out, and feeling sorry for myself. I found that putting myself into the service of others was a tremendous help. I took my dog to a local nursing home to visit those poor souls. It put me in a better place mentally, it was great for the patients and my dog. There are much worse things in life than not being able to drink....now, it is a blessed relief that I dont even think about it any more. That is such a gift. Its a gift I gave to me, FOR me. Life is 1000 times better without AL, never thought Id say that!
Do whatever it takes to break free of this addiction. Byrdie

[Lavande]

Re: Newbies Nest

Good evening Nesters,

Such a busy time of year, so much to do & all that. Makes me grateful I stopped arguing with myself & just gave up trying to control AL. Now there’s a monumental waste of time & brain cells
You’ll never really know how good life can be without AL until you give it a try!

Hello & welcome Belle!
Glad you decided to join us, make yourself comfortable & stay as long as you like!

Have to run so I’ll just wish everyone a safe night in the nest!

Lav

[wagmor]

Re: Newbies Nest

LC - I think I totally forgot to wish you happy birthday as well. Sorry about that! Hope you had a fantastic day celebrating YOU!!! :yay:

[wagmor]

Re: Newbies Nest

...the obsession is the addiction, not the quantity.

This.

This is truly at the heart of it. Thanks for putting this so clearly and succinctly NS.

[lifechange]

Re: Newbies Nest

Morning Nesters!

Super duper great posts, everyone! Thank you. I'm so happy to be a part of this loving and supportive crowd.
Off to work and the running around to finish preparing for our upcoming trip on Thursday. I am taking my laptop for the first time ever so that I can still check in here each and every day... that has been missing for me in the past when I go home! And I will tell my Dad and Stepmom as soon as I arrive that I'm not drinking.. and why. That's my biggest foreseeable hurdle, where I've messed up several times in the past. Not this time..

Be back this afternoon.. xx