Newbies Nest

[lifechange]

Re: Newbies Nest

X-post, Wags! :heartbeat:to you!!

[Pavati]

Re: Newbies Nest

Hi, Nest:

So happy for you, Kensho. I am glad he stepped up and realized he needs to support you. Way to go!

LC - You sound positively positive. I get that "in case" clause in thinking. You can hear it in the way people talk about quitting sometimes. For me, if I leave the door open even a little, I'll bowl right through it. You don't drink - how great is that? Happy Travels!

I feel like I complain about work a lot here, but just let me vent. I just have been having personnel problems for a while now, and they aren't letting up. I am getting behind in my other work, and am heading into the weekend stressed and with the knowledge that I'll work all Saturday (again!) I chose this hard job, and it is rewarding, but I wish for a hard, challenging job that I could actually accomplish in 40 hours a week. Hah, a girl can dream. I believe this will calm down at some point, but maybe not until next year. Self care is the key here - need to remember to tend to myself and my family, too. Wags, I, too, am looking forward to taking at least a few days off in a row which I should be able to after next week. Thanks for letting me vent...

Thursday, just another sober day.

Pav

[moonking]

Re: Newbies Nest

Hey nesters -

Hope everyone is doing well. I’m getting there, still organizing some thoughts. I think it’s done me good to be able to get an objective look on what I want to say. Kensho - you’ve inspired me to talk to my husband! (About my anxiety, not drinking. Baby steps.) I think mostly what I need to keep in mind is that my husband is not a mind reader. If I want something, I need to tell him. I also need to remember that I have been perfecting this mask that everything is OK on the outside for damn near 20 years, so how can I expect him to see through it?

I will fully admit that part of me being so apprehensive to tell my husband or anyone else about quitting is the relapse. Part of me feels like if I don’t say anything then they won’t say anything…and I can relapse. And I know that’s the wrong, wrong, wrong thought to have.

I had a drinking dream last night. Nothing major, but involved me having two glasses of wine on two different days at holiday celebrations. I woke up uneasy, but feeling grateful (I use that word a lot, sorry) that they were just dreams. I was pregnant in the dreams, too. It must be because I’m surrounded by many people who don’t see an issue with light drinking during pregnancy. (Hell, even my OB is OK with it!) But I can’t count the people who have said: “Oh, I won’t judge you for having some wine at Christmas dinner or champagne on New Year’s!” What this does in my brain is normalize the behavior, but I’ve quickly been able to reverse that thinking. I try to tell myself that I’m not just not drinking because I’m pregnant (although that’s reason enough), but because I don’t drink anymore.

Nothing fun for the holidays for us. Might end up taking the camper down to my in-laws. No pressure there, as they don’t drink either. Christmas day we will spend at our house, as is our tradition, and anyone is welcome. This has caused some serious issues between my parents…who can’t seem to act like adults…but it is what it is. I hope to never cause this much stress for my kids around the holidays. Between the “perfect gift or I’ll go apeshit” and the “if she’s there I won’t be there and if he’s there I’ll only stay for 15 minutes” bullshit, I just want to cancel Christmas altogether or tell them they are uninvited.

Making progress on a few more projects, although had to put the pallet projects on hold now that it’s cold outside. Using a circular saw and miter saw on the dining room table probably isn’t the best idea. But I’m on the hunt for backsplash to match the new countertops and am playing with the idea of painting our cabinets…so if anyone has an advice I’m all ears. Also changing the grout color on the tile floor, because bright white grout + dogs + toddler + food = gross. Feels nice to have something to focus on when my brain gets going.

Oh, I’ve also been researching more on medications to take for anxiety/depression after baby is here. What I have used in the past didn’t work and so I’m trying to find the right combination for me. I know a lot of people can get by without meds, but I just have this nagging feeling that there is something wrong with my brain and need some help to fix it.

[Byrdlady]

Re: Newbies Nest

Good morning, Nesters!
Pav, I saw something on Linked In, that really hit me in the gut....it said "Why work yourself to death over a job where they can replace you next week?" Ouch. It's true, if I left, the world certainly wouldn't fall apart, my position would be filled before you know it, with someone with half the experience and initiative. I'm honestly trying to have a better work/life balance. Good luck to us both in that respect!
Kensho, great going on the hubs front....getting support from the home team is critical. Great going!!
Moon, I have very strong feelings about anti-depressants. I'm going to talk about my experience with them...I can't speak for others, just my OPINION and we all know they are like backsdes, everyone's got one! Mind you, I was in the midst of alkie-ism and at the pinnacle of my drinking career when this all took place.
In 2005, Katrina hit New Orleans. The pictures of devastation were all over the news. People dead in the streets and others just stepping over them! It was a mental picture I just couldn't seem to shake (made 1000 times worse by AL). I asked my doc for a pill. As a card-carrying member of The Instant Gratification Society, I thought a pill was going to fix it all. THAT surely would straighten out my mindset....besides, I knew several friends taking them and they were thriving. He gave me Wellbutrin. I gave it a shot, but it had some crazy side effect (I couldn't catch my breath?) so after a few weeks, he switched me to Lexapro....I gained 8 pounds immediately! Holy crow, I had to get off that stuff and fast. I moved over to Cymbalta where I stayed for 5 years. My anxiety/depression eventually improved, but I continued to take it, why rock the boat, right? Meanwhile, my blood work was becoming a concern. After a visit to my doc, I was diagnosed with Hemochromotosis....too much iron in the blood. My liver wasn't processing stuff right, and as a result, iron was building up. They instructed me to go get some blood removed so new blood could be made to help reduce this overload I had. In the midst of all this, I decided I'd stop taking any pill that wasn't mission critical (after all, my liver was counting on me...except I couldn't quite give up AL). On Nov 17, 2010, I stopped taking Cymbalta completely. Turns out, you aren't supposed to do that. The withdrawals WERE HELL ON EARTH. I was suicidal! ME!! I was throwing up, heart racing, I had no idea what was wrong. I missed Thanksgiving that year with my family and eventally ended up in the ER when they figured it out. During this whole time, I was drinking as hard as I could (I was moderating). I began a downward spiral that was absolutely mindboggling. It was the following Jan 19, 2011 that my hubs of (then) 24 years gave me the ultimatum....stop drinking or he was leaving (and he actually left!!)
The moral of the (LONG) story. I did not need Anti depressants, I needed time to heal from an awful tragedy. I would have healed, AD's or not, given the time. AD's and AL are a really bad combo. If I ever write a book, it'll be called 'Numb ad Numb-er'. The lows weren't as bad on AD's, but the highs weren't as high either. I was just NUMB. The more I couldn't feel, the more I drank to cope. I would have been 1000 times better off to have sought the help of a therapist! I'm not saying AD's CAUSED all this, but they certainly didnt help the situation. As we all know, AL is the mother of all depressants, so gettng that out of my life is what really did the trick. In retrospect, it all makes sense, but I was doing anything I could to protect my right to drink. Hells bells, AL CAUSED THE PROBLEMS! Not drinking was the solution. Yes, I still have problems, but I've learned different coping skills....grabbing a pill or a drink is no longer an option. Getting off the AD was worse than any episode of depression I ever had, it was awful.
I'm not saying that in every case meds don't help, but I would absolutely seek out therapy before I went that route. I'd go as far as to say as long as we keep AL in our lives, depression is going to be right alongside it. AT LEAST it was for me. By this stage of the game, we all know we are alcoholics....and we all know that in drinking ANY AL, we are operating counter to what we know is right for us.
As a support forum member, I know we learn from each other's experiences....I hope NOBODY repeats what I did.
Have a great day, everyone!!! Byrdie

[KENSHO]

Re: Newbies Nest

WAGS, here’s to a few days-off coming up! It is difficult to feel like we truly have “off” time when we see work staring us in the face from our home offices. It takes discipline to shut the doors!

LC, you sound great. Happy start of vacation to you! So glad you will have your laptop and be updating us along the way. I totally get the thing about completely coming clean. Though my husband has not always been totally supportive, I have also not totally shut the door on alcohol before, so it has been confusing for him. It’s amazing how being confident and matter of fact with other people makes the conversation easier and we all move on.

PAV, you work at a school, right? I was just telling my son this morning how I think teachers and school employees are some of the most important people in our world right now. You help build people! And people who have a good understanding of the world, and our political, social and economic history - along with a good dose of kindness will build the next people to run the world. You have a very special and important job and I have limitless respect and gratitude for what you do I know that doesn’t address the personnel stuff you are having to deal with, but I wanted to tell you that I appreciate you.

OMG - MOON - the “mask”. The main thing I heard my husband say to me yesterday is that I need to share with him. With vulnerability. If we can’t share with our most important people, we are alone. It is a risk, but I have so much more belief and respect for our relationship now - because he listened. Mostly because I completely put it out there, with raw emotions and complete honesty. I have been wishy washy in the past, so why shouldn’t he be confused about my intentions? I think communication can only help a situation, so go for it! We are here for you no matter what happens.

White grout on the floor? ACK! Good luck on your other projects! I happen to know that, as least in my parts, having cabinets professionally painted is about 1/3 the cost of buying new. Still a lot. Painting cabinets yourself can be a challenge, so definitely you-tube that one before you go that route. It can be done, but it can look “crafty” in a hurry - unless the painterly, farmhouse look is what you want. The type of paint and finish you use are really important if you want a professional look.

Also, my opinion is that some level of postpartum depression is normal. Your brain and body are adjusting to a whole different chemistry. I cried my way through the first several weeks after my son was born. Help is worth seeking if you need it of course, but also don’t discount that some of that is just normal and doesn’t mean you’re “broken”.

I, too, have an antidepressant story. In high school, I became pretty depressed. I would sit in my room and cry for hours and go to bed early and mope through my days. I even wrote a school project on depression, complete with poetry and science to back it up. I felt I had studied it thoroughly. I went to a psychiatrist who prescribed various antidepressants and I never felt like they helped. Long story short - I decided that my depression was due partly to a bad break up, but mostly to the fact that I had been going back and forth between my parents’ homes since the age of 4. Every Tuesday, and every other weekend here, and reverse it in the summer. I lived out of a bag - never felt the stability of one home. And social anxiety amplified it all. So I began to go to the gym every day (even if I did one sit up and left), and I told my parents I would be staying at one home only. My point is that, for me, my brain may have had an imbalance, but I felt it was due to my circumstances. Antidepressants were a bandaid, not a solution. I still feel I probably have some dopamine deficiencies and impulse control problems - thus the draw to alcohol, but it is the personal work that I did by listening to myself and taking care of myself that got me out of the muck.

I am not against antidepressants if they help, but I don’t think they can be the only solution. Just be sure to address your life in whole, ok? And allow yourself to feel bad as your body adjusts to not being pregnant any more. Just another “backside”, as Byrdie says, so take it with a grain of salt. Congrats on your continued success!!!

[available]

Re: Newbies Nest

morning nesters

Have a happy holiday LC and we are all there with you, remember that. xmas is a terrible time of year for us alkies so we need to be on our toes and have all our tools ready to use. I think we all remember our first real sober xmas and i know i felt a great sense of deprivation as everyone was so happy but they were also so happy i was not drinking. i was talking to my daughter the other day and asked her if she remembered she wiped the table as there was wine on it so i would not be tempted!. i have never licked a table to get al ha ha but as much as that small action annoyed me she did it as she cared. Now 4 years later there will be no table wiping and no feelings of deprivation for me. I will just be grateful i am alive to celebrate it with them.

great work kensho on talking to hubs, a positive step forward. my SO is stressing about his mothers place being finalised next week and his first xmas without her and has gone into shut down mode, i am just letting him get on with it but he knows i am not happy about being igored atm. i have to say something but i think "god i talked to him a couple of months ago" but i know his communication is crap and if i dont speak he will close up completely just to deal with it all.

Moon, prescripton meds are just as bad as al. i took ad's for years and they didnt do me any harm but i have no need for them now. i am not against them but it doesnt heal our past. i found a great psychologist and worked on those issues. it was such a relief to be able to just get it out and move on.

Wags, i am still getting headaches and by the end of the day my head wants to get off my neck and rest but i am getting better. as you say i am more wary driving now, looking in my back mirror more than i should. eyes at the front are obviously more of a positive action ha ha. i am a peak hour driver so in that respect the majority of people know and can read the traffic. I have sent a quote to the young man who hit me and hopefully he will pay. i am willing to wait till after xmas as the car is still driveable and he is a lovely guy. i know if it was my child i would want the other party to be nice to them. it sucks for you that the driver drove off, that is so wrong but at least there are good people in the world.

Had a 2 day visit from mum, she is a lot happier and i have been keeping my mouth closed and smiling. each time it gets easier in a way to know how to deal with her. she is still satans sister in a lot of ways but we are both trying :-)

well its friday here so off to work i go. loving my new job and my new boss told me he had heard only great things about me.

take care x

[moonking]

Re: Newbies Nest

White grout, yes, I know. It’s my fault, I originally put it down. We bought our house as a foreclosure, so it needed some work. I originally thought our grout was more of a tan/taupe color, but after finding spots that were rarely walked on (like the corner of the pantry where I shelf had always sat) I realized the original color was more of a white. After scrubbing and scrubbing and not getting anywhere, I decided to re-stain with white. I tell you what, it looked like a million bucks for about a week. When it was first done I felt like I was living in a Home Garden magazine. But it quickly turned gross. So…darker it is, this time! The countertops have grays/blacks in it and I was hoping to do the cabinets black….so I was thinking a dark gray grout might look OK. New cabinets aren’t even an option, I know our current cabinets are still in really good shape (house was built in 2007 and only lived in for 3 years prior to us) so I can’t justify that. But I’m wondering if I can do it myself. In any sense…painting will be the last thing, so I have grout and backsplash to focus on right now.

I do appreciate the stories with anti-depressants. I have been on them as well. I started on Prozac at 16, but was in the midst of a severe eating disorder, so my brain was all whacked out anyway. In my early 20s I moved to Lexapro, which was AWFUL - just like Byrdie said. I gained 40 pounds in a matter of months and I didn’t feel depressed, but I didn’t feel much of anything else either. Eventually I did a lot of research and switched to Wellbutrin, which I actually loved. I can see how you couldn’t catch your breath, Byrdie, it definitely is a more high energy pill than the others. Went off Wellbutrin the first time we tried to get pregnant. Back on Prozac with PPD (more on that in a minute) but this time it made me…ahem…not be able to NOT be within 10 feet of a bathroom about every 30 minutes. Prozac was supposed to be compatible with breastfeeding, so once I failed at that, I switched back to Wellbutrin because I’d had so much success before. Got off of it when trying to get pregnant this time. Lexapro and Prozac are both SSRI’s and since neither worked, I figured Wellbutrin was worth a try because it’s in a different class - can’t remember right now. But I think SSRI’s target serotonin, whereas Wellbutrin focuses on norepinephrine and dopamine. There are also SNRI’s like Effexor that target serotonin and norepinephrine. The problem with Wellbutrin (at least for me) is that it does a fantastic job for depression, it doesn’t touch anxiety.

I know they aren’t an end all be all. I know staying sober will help tremendously with my mood and if I can stay off of them, I will. (Filling prescriptions is just annoying, anyway!) Developing a workout plan, eating healthy, getting into a routine, all that will help. I’ve been in therapy since I was 13…off and on of course, but through hospitalizations and intensive outpatient treatments and so many different CBT therapists. I’m not against therapy at all and will do it if needed. As for my PPD/PPA, it was pretty severe. To a point where I was hallucinating and essentially remembering things that didn’t happen. Sounds silly now when I say it, but at the time it was very real and very scary. I wasn’t myself and I couldn’t see it. I had my bags packed multiple times to just up and leave. I had my suicide planned out. I had horrific thoughts about my baby. I’d do anything not to go through that again and having pills there - even if I just need them for the short time after birth - feels like the right thing to do. Because it’s so hard to establish a good, healthy routine after having a baby - I’d rather reach for a bottle of anti-depressants than a bottle of wine.

[KENSHO]

Re: Newbies Nest

Absolutely Moon. You know best what you need and you should follow that instinct. Sorry you’ve had such bad PPD.

[Guitarista]

Re: Newbies Nest

Great posts everyone. Thanks for some interesting and informative reading.

Kingy, a circular saw on the dining room table is as natural to me as taking a spanner to my bike in the lounge room. Normal!

New job sounds a gas Ava.

Pav, is the employee i suspect you're talking about simply bored with their work? Maybe they can be tasked with creating some new project to get 'em occupied? Just sticking my fat beak in. Make sure you get a decent break!

Self care really is SO essential for us. For anyone, but especially for us. My mental default wiring is.......'G man, nooooo, you can't do that, you're just not good enough or worthy'.....Well, that is a total crock of bulldust. What do you base those thoughts on G fella? Because there is absolutely no, zero, zilch evidence to support that stance. None. That thought is incorrect and cannot be supported, backed up rationally, or proven. False! Well i never. You mean i've been telling myself this BS all these years? Yes young man, you have.

Er, ok then. I might as well live like there is no tomorrow and go git it! That's what i'm doing today. Take it easy out there. Remember, the weekend ain't no freakin ticket to no mothafcken boozeville you savvy? K? K.

[Londoner]

Re: Newbies Nest

100 Day Report

So, I've reached the 100 day mark. I must say, in the last week or two I've been really struggling. No passion or drive at work, low energy, poor mood, feeling isolated - just feeling a little down. I'm hoping it's a short term thing. But it could correspond to giving up caffeine and nicotine in the last week; I was up to 3-4 coffees a day and vaping most of the day. So that's pretty much all of my stimulants GONE in life.

I think, by giving up on most instant gratification that I used as a crutch I have to face my true being. My true reality if you like. My goods sides and bad sides; that I could run away from with whatever comfort I chose; coffee, smoking, booze, drugs, junk food......

The challenges ahead are Christmas and New Year. I'm torn. I DO see myself drinking over the festive period. I want to be a part of the group, I want a release. But not drinking is as simple as taking an Antabuse this weeked. As it stays in the system for ~12 days, I cannot be sure that I won't feel terrible drinking over Christmas. We'll see. That's me being honest right now.

I need to also focus on not wasting time on the internet, and I need to get back exercising. I need to be more social and find new hobbies.

Once that's done, I may look into therapy or something if I am still not feeling my old self. Giving up all my vices makes me feel quite stoic.

[Quit wining]

Re: Newbies Nest

Londoner, congratulations on achieving 100 days af. That’s a yuuuuuge milestone, one you can be proud of.

I think everyone here who has strung together some serious af days has experienced what you’re feeling. I know I have.

Exercise has been key for me. My 4 legged little buddy and I walk at least 6kms every day, sometimes more. We both enjoy it. My blood pressure has dropped and I’ve lost about 12 kilograms.

I recently went to a Xmas party for an organization I volunteer with. I drove a few people so that they could drink if they wanted to. At the restaurant I told our server that I was the designated driver and I enjoyed complementary soft drinks all evening. On the way home we were stopped at a road check. The police officer congratulated us on making a good choice.

Giving up things like caffeine and especially nicotine is a tremendous accomplishment! But, as you know there are withdrawal symptoms for both, especially nicotine. It’s been almost 35 years since I quit smoking and I recall it was hell for the first couple of weeks at least. I made a mental image that I wasn’t a smoker. I did the same when I quit al. Do I see myself drinking again? Maybe. My downfall has been vacation time. And next month I’m going to be at an all inclusive resort in Mexico. I don’t want to drink and I don’t see myself drinking. I equate it to playing golf, a game of inches. And the most important 6 inches are between my ears.

Hang in there Londoner. You’ve done an amazing job, keep it going!

QW

[available]

Re: Newbies Nest

London, great work on 100 days, those triple digits are inspiring.

Take everything one day at a time. do not overthink, do not over plan and dont try to over achieve. Those times will come and if you are feeling blah just go with the flow, they will pass. believe us oldies that there are so many different stages in giving up al, each one is different but each is doable. Face yourself gradually, there is no rush in recovery, there is no finish line. This is what we do day by day and what we live with. there will be a time when al means nothing to you and that feeling is just wonderful but it does mean plodding along each and every day for awhile. we are never cured and we can never drink again but thats a good thing.

there is no good reason to drink at christmas and New year, they are just another day of the year. if you feel the need to drink then avoid those situations and stay home. if you need release, climb a mountain or reward yourself with something you really want to do. spend the money on something worthwile that gives you pleasure. you know al never gave you pleasure but only deep pain and no happiness at all. Sometimes i wish i could have that one drink to celebrate a special occasion but then i read on here about people relapsing and what they are going through yet again and that is something i never, ever want in my life.

Thoughts are thoughts, we dont act on every thought we have London. Be gentle on yourself, you are a work in progress as we all are.

[Lavande]

Re: Newbies Nest

Good evening Nesters!

Checking in from frozen-land, BRRRRR!!!
There are icicles hanging from the Christmas wreath on the chicken house, ha ha!!
The chickens don't even seem to notice the frigid air, funny birds.

LC, wishing you a very happy vacation & safe trip. I think I saw you flying over my house this afternoon

Londoner, Congrats on your 100 days, great work!
Don't put to much thought into missing anything by remaining AF over the holidays. I was surprised to find the holidays much better without AL. Who knew?

Moonking, good luck with your kitchen project. My daughter recently painted her kitchen cabinets & they look great. I'll have to ask her what she used, I know she did a lot of research beforehand.

Speaking of home projects, we had a unknowingly had a leak from the icemaker that has warped several boards in my hardwood kitchen floor - not to mention the puddle it made in the basement
I am not having floors repaired & refinished the week before Christmas so it will have to wait!

Hello to everyone & wishing a safe & cozy night in the nest for all!

Lav

PS: In place of Rx ADs take a look at the OTC called Amoryn. I have been taking it for years, works great with zero side effects

[Byrdlady]

Re: Newbies Nest

Londoner, congrats on your 100 days. You worked very hard to get here and I know that AB was a last resort. I wish there were some words I could say to prevent you from going back to AL. Im sure no words of mine can resonate, but maybe your own words will. I went bqck to August and found your post from your last Day 1.
Re: Newbies Nest

@Matt M.

I've taken your advice and started writing out a list of all the embarrassing/dangerous situations binge drinking has put me in, and a few negative long term effects such as health/finances.

So far I'm at 4 pages. It's amazing how these things stick with you. And I'm sure that the list will grow as I remember more things.

Thanks for the advice. The NHS does offer Antabuse, so I will see if I can bring it up in conversation with my GP next week.

I'm trying to break the part of my self-identity that involves getting stupidly drunk often.


Take the AB and make THIS Christmas your first sober one. I have never seen anyone here who went back to drinking and didnt regret it. Starting over gets HARDER. If I could beg you not to blow your quit, I sure would. A drink of AL is NOT worth the torture that results. Just see your post above. You were absolutely miserable. Stay the course, next year this time, AL will be just a bad memory. Im pulling for you. Byrdie

[NoSugar]

Re: Newbies Nest

Hope you pop that AB, Londoner, and give yourself the gift of mindpeace this holiday season. Congratulations on your 100 days AF. Each one is precious and worth protecting with all you've got.

LC, it is great that you'll be in touch this holiday season! I've missed you other years when you returned home and 'unplugged'. You were closer physically but sadly, not in touch. I think most of us get tired of the constant state of being "on" that the internet gives us but when our support community is online, we need to use it. I think it is possible to do that but NOT open twitter, or FB, or any of the other sites that can overload us!
Anyway, I hope you have a great trip home and it will be nice to keep reading your posts (in real time!).

Kensho, that must have been such a relief to have that conversation with your husband. To have him as a support instead of an obstacle should make a big difference. Maybe you could enlist him to help protect you from the dumb voice that we all seem to hear now and then telling us we can have 'just one'. Like your mom did, being reminded of our 'real' beliefs and desires can help get us past what is nothing more than a bad idea that pops into our heads.

Another holiday weekend is here and for us, there's no event that drinking can't make worse. Hang in there! NS