Newbies Nest

[moonking]

Re: Newbies Nest

Pav - sorry to hear about your dad. Glad you’re able to spend time over there.

Great job on day 50, Hyper!

You crack me up, G-man. Santa drinks beer at our house But not this year.

Working from home today - have a lovely view of the snow and ice. Below 0 and feels like it! Yuck. And the dogs won’t leave me alone. Whine, whine, whine, whine, whine whenever they see a deer or a squirrel outside.

Hubby and I had a huge blow up fight yesterday about (of all things) medical bills. I went to the ER in July for a miscarriage and am still getting bills for it. Long story short, they said they were past due and they aren’t. He wanted me to call last night and get it sorted out and I didn’t see the harm in waiting until this morning. Lots of angry words said. Not that fights are a good thing (especially in front of kids) but it lead to good conversation. Apparently he had been keeping some things inside that he needed to get out. I felt like I was able to have a good, logical conversation with him. I didn’t get overly emotional or shut down as I usually do and can only imagine that wouldn’t have happened had I been drinking. Since we were already discussing things, I decided this would be a good time to bring up my anxiety. I think the conversation went well. He didn’t respond exactly how I wanted him to, but he also did not respond how I feared he would. A good place in the middle. I need to realize that he’s probably not going to be the mushy, romance-movie hunk that I want him to be. Instead, he’s the rational, fixer hunk that I married. We both agreed that we need to be more open and honest with each other. When I’m feeling particularly vulnerable and he says something I feel is mean or insensitive, I need to tell him that immediately. And when I feel a panic attack coming on to let him know immediately as well. Also, I need to tell him what to say, as much as I hate it. But I told him silence is a killer for me. I’m really good at making up worst case scenarios, so i need him to acknowledge that I’m talking. Anyway, I was pretty brutally honest but it went well overall.

I did not talk to him about alcohol as I am just not ready to do that, even though I know it would help me shut the door. But how he reacted to my anxiety discussion gives me hope that I’ll be able to talk to him some day soon.

OK - back to work and paying my bills. Grrrr.

[BelleGirl]

Re: Newbies Nest

Hi Peeps,
BelleGirl here back at it. Not as bad as I was several years ago, but my feet are slipping ever closer to that Rabbit Hole. I need some support and accountability. there is so much stress in my life now...two teens, one with a girlfriend...college application deadlines...mother in law moving to assisted living in our area...full house at Christmas that left me with a nasty upper respiratory virus...and on and on and on. So, I thought one little "sip" would not hurt. and it didn't! so why not more? I need to stop it now. I cannot spend a lot of time online but will try to come back as much as possible. I'll keep reciting Byrdie's tag line: "All you have to do is get through this day". but Lordy...sometimes this day is impossible.

I would like this to be Day 1...of forever.

[Pavati]

Re: Newbies Nest

Hi, All:

Hyper - 50 days is a huge accomplishment. Can you talk to your SO about your drinking and work on a plan together for your visit to the family? Dementia is not for sissies, that is for sure. There is an online support group through the Alzheimer's Association here in the US (I can't remember where you are?), and there are many in person support groups. When you talk to other caretakers, you will see that your feelings of frustration, irritation, guilt, sadness, etc. are all common, and you will find support. I really appreciate what Ava had to say - not drinking is yet another way you can be there for your parent. The short term escape will take you more away from helping in the long term - both physically and emotionally. Yes, it is not easy. ODAT for now, and even 15 minutes at a time if it comes to it. Please reach out for help - there is plenty to be had.

Moon - glad you had a good discussion - sorry it was in the form of a fight. I will say that what you describe was true for me, too. We don't get along perfectly, but our "fights" are much more contained, logical, and orderly. My crazy (alcohol-fueled) emotions don't get in the way. I am glad you paved the way for the alcohol discussion soon. And I am sorry for your miscarriage. What a pain that you have to deal with the hospital billing in addition to everything else.

Closing the door is simple but not easy, to beat this analogy to death. It is a matter of retraining the brain. Every time my lizard brain told me I wanted a drink to have a quick fix and relax, I was able to access the more rational part of my brain and play that one through. Even in the early days of drinking when I did only have one, one NEVER felt like enough. I always wanted more. Always. There was no scenario that my rational brain could devise in which it would be good to have one drink, and there was no scenario when it would be better for me to have a drink than to not. I used my healthy fear of f'ing up my life for good to allow me to access my gratitude and remember the freedom that sobriety has brought me.

G - Maybe we can turn Santa on to the joys of the AF life! He'll loose weight, feel better, and his trip around the world will be so much more enjoyable!

Hope you all have great hump days. Sober, of course.

xo
Pav

[wagmor]

Re: Newbies Nest

Hyper - congrats on 50+ days. Your comment about not knowing "where the door is" was interesting to me - I never really thought about it in those terms I guess. Maybe this is a very individual thing. For me, closing the door came with stopping my thoughts in their tracks the minute I felt any suggestion whatsoever that I should entertain a drink or 4. It came with not letting the false fantasies that al wants us to believe to develop. I definitely spent a few moments at one point being really honest with myself (like having an internal conversation), and deciding that I Don't Drink. And since I don't drink, when I have those thoughts pop up, I simply have to discard them and think of some other solution. I tried to connect al with other things I also simply don't and won't do. There are loads (and these vary from person to person obviously - no judgment involved). In other words, I just re-framed al in my mind and made it non-negotiable, took it off the table as an option, which forced me to explore other ways of coping, letting loose, escaping, etc that I used to use al for.

I know that probably sounds overly simple, and I don't mean it to. It wasn't necessarily just that easy. But having that specific conversation with myself, and then reinforcing that re-framing every single time al even crossed my path, eventually did bring about some significant changes. I don't know what finding and then shutting the door looks like for you, but I'm here to help you find it in any way I can. You have my tremendous sympathy and empathy regarding all you're dealing with. Please keep coming back and posting when you can. :hug:


Pav - sorry things are stressful during your break from work. It seems that's how things go a lot of the time. Glad you're able to help your parents though, and I hope you also find some time to get some good hiking done!

Moon - sorry to hear the convo with your husband started off in such a difficult way, but glad to hear that it took a turn for the better. Hugs to you too :hug:

Belle - good to see you! Keep coming back - we're here to support you for sure :heartbeat:

G-dude - yep, don't let Santa break your quit - great job man!

Lav - we're still under ice here as well, which is unusual for this part of the country. Hope we both get a thaw soon!

Byrdie - the GB house looked great, and I can also understand your decision to get it out of the house. I'll shed 5 lbs with you!


Speaking of shedding 5 lbs, I've realized that as part of my "anything but al" approach to my quit at times, I've somehow developed a daily ice cream habit (nightly, actually). It's funny, cuz I can usually take or leave ice cream, but right now it's my primary comfort food. I have decided to start an ice cream quit on January 1. I'm ok with delaying it until then, but I'm also keenly aware of how this plan mirrors the same way I tried to approach al quits over the years - picking a future date and giving myself a last few days to indulge. So, at some point I will be looking at that behavior. For now, my top priority is still maintaining my al quit and I'm cutting myself a bit of slack on the ice cream. I'm also confident that my i.c. quit will be fine!

Hope you're all having good final weeks of 2017. Take a moment to stop and savor these last sweet days, and find something to enjoy each and every day. Hugs to all :hug:

[moonking]

Re: Newbies Nest

Pav - thanks, the miscarriage was suuuuuper early. I believe the medical term is actually chemical pregnancy. I was only about 5 weeks along. My OB said that if I wouldn't have tested so early I never would have even known. And we (obviously) got pregnant again right away and this one stuck! (And without TMI - I really didn't think I would get pregnant immediately afterwards, I thought it might take my body a month or two to get back in the swing of things...but nope!)

LC - I train people for a living! I work for a big university and teach users how to use our donor and alumni database. My job didn't exist before we got our new system, so it's allowed me a lot of freedom and creativity, which is great for me. In the beginning it was a lot of classroom training, but we've moved towards online, interactive training so I get to be all nerdy and techy, which is my background so I'm thrilled. And I'm truly an introvert, so I don't really like interacting with ACTUAL people that much, anyway - haha. I'm lucky that my boss allows us to work from home when we need to. Today the countertop guy came to take measurements, which is why I was home! So glad to not have to get out in the subzero temperatures!

[narilly]

Re: Newbies Nest

Wags, I have the same problem with ice cream. My husband loves it and so whenever he eats it so do I. We have some specialty ice cream places here and the ice cream is amazing. I will down on the sugar after the holidays for sure.

Hugs to you moon.
Pav, that sucks about your dad. Lucky that you can be there for them.
GMan- Santa supports your quit, that is great!
Moon, hang in there you are doing great..
Ava, hello my friend.
Belle, stay away from that rabbit hole. One drink is never enough right?

I’m am grateful to be sober this Christmas.. i love the fact that ‘I don’t drink’ Sometimes it’s hard to believe that I drank AL and was such a mess. It was ruining my life. Thank goodness I became sober.
If there is anyone out there wondering if they should quit- YES you should. If you did not have a problem with AL you would not be reading this.
Life will change without AL and the change is good.

Don’t drink today
Xo

[Hypernova]

Re: Newbies Nest

Just stopping by to thank eveyone `wags, Pav, moonking, lifechange, ava, gman and everyone on this site for the kind and thoughtful posts that are so sincere and will help me to go through another AF day. Really, thank you all. Life is rough sometimes and it seems w/o alcohol to smooth over things I am a little lost. Feeling a bit better today. ODAT. Thanks, hyper

[Rahulthesweet]

Re: Newbies Nest

Hello Nesters,

Came here after a long Time a felt like sharing how my addictions have changed over the years. But I do draw comparisons and think about it ....

Year 2004
Germany
Town Karlsruhe
Checking into an hotel along with cans of beer. I was in late 20s then. The book by Paulo Chelho and Richard Bach were my time pass during days when I sober and during evening .... well ... I didnÂ’t need any book ... Al . So why was I here ? No reason. On pretext of work and to attend an exhibition .. but main reason was that I came here to enjoy, to party .... all alone. But I was not alone in this foreign country. I have best friend ...Al. Drink and drink and enjoy the pubs in the city and who needs a company ? After all I have been alone for so long. Felt alone even among ‘friends’or ‘family’. Could not share anything with anyone ... no one ! But with Al ... no need to share just enjoy ... live life!

Year 2017
Germany
Town Mainz
Checking into this German town all alone. I am once again here to satisfy my addiction. One extra stay in this foreign country all to satisfy myself on pretext f work. But I have no regrets now doing this alone. Traveling alone and taking timefor a day or two to satisfy my addictions which I have been doing so for so long. Alone or being alone or traveling alone doesn’t bother me. I have been like that ... for ever. So much that after full day of talks around people I still need time ALONE. And this new addiction which I have now is what I prefer having alone. But this time my addiction is different. But my hotel reception won’t allow me to take me to my room. “It’s not allowed” she said in her German accent. “You have leave it outside”. But how can I leave it outside. But then rules are rules. That evening I strolled the town seeing bars from outside ... “tomorrow” I told myself. It will be the day when I will once again inject myself with pleasures which I get from my addictions. Slept early alone ... woke up early like 5 am and I started ... it’s feels good the moment you are on it. I will be enjoying my addiction the whole day. That’s what I came here for. But this time it’s different. I am not chasing AL. This time I will be riding on my TREK bike which I brought with myself to ride along the beautiful German river Rhine. Hotel won’t let me take it to my room but helped me park safely in garage. The whole day I Passed several bars across several German towns till I reach city of Koblenz. This was about 100 km plus ride. Each Bar reminds me what I could have been in it. Or how my life could have been “if I would have been in there”. But I was way out on on the streets on this fine sunny but chilly day .... cycling ! As I pedal along I look back when I was in 20,s now I am almost 40 but I feel younger, happier. And fresh like a 3 year old. And I was in a way 3 year old .... since I was reborn. Reborn as a sober person.

Today people ask me ... “You don’t drink ? Noting at all ?” ... I always end up saying yes “I don’t drink ... but I ride ... several kilometers.” They don’t understand but I do and I don’t know how can I explain how this is my new found addiction ....... same life, same me, different me, different addictions ... and still alone ... but no regrets ... just gratitude

[KENSHO]

Re: Newbies Nest

Moon, awesome discussion you had with the hubby! So glad you got some stuff off your chest. Isn’t it great to be more level headed in conflict? I love that about being AF. Sorry you have to deal with the medical bills - that always feels like insult to injury.

Hi Belle. Glad you are checking in!

Hang in there Hypernova. 50 days is a great accomplishment. The thing I keep asking myself is this: How many times do I have to end up in the exact same boat of wanting to quit drinking - before I quit taking that boat? It ends up in the same place now, every time. Remembering that is helpful to me.

Pav, thank you for your honesty. The light is coming and the days are getting longer in our neck of the woods, and THAT is a step in the right direction. Way to deal with the yuck. Sometimes that’s just what we have on our plate.

Hi Wags, Ava, Byrdie, Lav, Narilly, G, LC, QW, NS and everyone lurking.

I’m loving having some time off. Going to get in that workout as it is helping me a lot in the self care department. We saw the new Star Wars movie last night, and might I say that I am a fan of the force! Enjoyed that a lot.

I can’t believe I came close to drinking on Christmas - only because I realize how fleeting those uncomfortable feelings were now. I was so drawn to AL in the moment - but I have to remember that moments pass and the romantic alcohol dream is a lie. It might seem silly, but the star wars movie has a lot of spiritual undertones, and I left last night feeling inspired to deepen my connection to higher things and to myself. I know that alcohol is not a part of that equation.

Have a good day everyone and may the force be with you! Hee Hee!

RAHUL! I was just thinking about you last night, wondering where in the world you were and how you are doing! So glad to hear you are enjoying your rebirth, and your travels. Glad they found a safe place for your bike. My husband is a road-biker and he wouldn't be happy leaving his baby on the street! So nice for you to stop by - happy upcoming New Year and don't stay away so long!

[NoSugar]

Re: Newbies Nest

@lifechange, I do believe you can have the sober life you want and deserve and I think you're seeing that it is possible, too :hug:.

I'm sorry your dad isn't doing well, @Pavati and that you're in a tough parent situation, @Hypernova. Role-reversal with parents is much harder than I realized it would be. And sometimes tough to do the caring that is needed with a good heart. Last fall when I was at the hospital or nursing home with my mom a lot, I realized that things she did and sounds she made were not so different to those that come from my younger grandsons. The repeated sentences and questions were very much like those of the 3 y old. I rarely get impatient or frustrated with them but I was constantly feeling that way with my mom --- and even angry because she was no longer the one taking care of me. It is a loss that hurts. It finally occurred to me to see her and treat her like I do our grandsons, knowing that as the circle of life closes, in many ways we go back to where we began. I hope you and your parents can enjoy some more good days. My mom had a few during the holiday and it was lovely for all of us.

@KENSHO, realizing that a craving/longing is just a bad idea you are paying attention to and allowing to manifest physically is a huge step in the direction you want to go. The quicker you can cut it off like @wagmore said with a "But I don't drink", the fewer physical effects and the less of your life wasted chasing something that isn't what you're looking for anyway, like @Lavande said last evening. There is nothing at the bottom of the bottle.

If there is anyone out there wondering if they should quit- YES you should. If you did not have a problem with AL you would not be reading this.
Life will change without AL and the change is good.

That is so, true @narilly, and I wish that I had done so the first time it crossed my mind I had a problem. It never crosses the mind of someone who doesn't (unless they're simply smart enough to quit drinking poison!).

Well, infant grandson is waking up and I'm babysitting so gotta go. Hang in there, Nesters. You'll NEVER regret it. xx

[Quit wining]

Re: Newbies Nest

The circle of life as you so well pointed out NoSugar, often involves the reversal of traditional roles, where the child becomes the care giver. And few people are prepared for it.

It’s been 10 years since my Dad passed, coming up 7 since my Mom died. My brother, sister and I all had a role in caring for them, especially in their final days. It wasn’t an easy task as my sister was a 4 hour flight, me a 90 minute flight from where they lived.

We found help in a book titled Final Gifts, written by two health care professionals with end of life experience, Maggie Callanan and Patricia Kelley. I wish we’d had the book even earlier than we did as it provided valuable information as to what our parents were going through.

I strongly recommend this excellent book as a resource for anyone with aging parents/friends/spouses. And, read it sooner rather than later.

Seeing a loved one decline, physically or mentally, is tough. Sometimes they say and do things that they normally wouldn’t. How we as caregivers respond can dramatically impact the quality of their life and ours.

For us, being al free, can make a difficult time better. We don’t get to redo the final months, weeks, days and hours with those who are aging. Make them count!

QW

[narilly]

Re: Newbies Nest

So cool NS that you have a grand baby, I am sure you cherish your time with him. Thank goodness you are not drinking!

So on Christmas Eve we went to our friends place and they had rum and eggnog. I Asked for a virgin egg nog and my friend was making it. In the meantime we were talking and eating etc and I took a big drink of my egg nog. Right away I knew it was my daughter’s rum and egg nog, I quickly pushed it aside got my virgin eggnog and continued the evening. It scared me a bit but I thought ‘there is no way this will derail me’. Anyway, I thought I would share this.. I was afraid I would start craving AL after that but I didn’t.

Kensho, I am so glad you did not drink at Christmas. Four years ago I was about 30 days sober and then drank at Christmas, I had an f’ it moment and just drank. NS quickly set me straight and asked me why I started drinking and if I really wanted to quit. I still remember that. It took another four months of drinking, being sick, embarrassing myself, blacking out, etc. Before I was able to quit again. Way to go Ken. Let the moment just pass by.

Way to go Hyper; 50 days is awesome! Way to go girl.
Hi Rahul! Glad you are doing so well.

Xo

[BelleGirl]

Re: Newbies Nest

Thanks for being here, guys. It is the witching hour, and I am having some chicken noodle soup to hopefully put this cold/virus to rest. Staying away from the poison...as I was seeing a pattern starting to develop this time of day.

During my almost 5 year quit, I wondered how anybody could possibly find themselves back here after the hell of quitting and the pride of racking up a long stream of days/months/years. I recognize a lot of names here, some perhaps good supporters who stayed with their quit, and some, like me finding their way back and struggling. I believe LifeChange said "girl, you know what to do"...and I do, and I have known what to do. However, those weak moments when everything is going wrong and you don't give a "F"...it is so easy to cave. And the more you cave, the easier it is. Someone else said that one drink is never enough. That is why folks like myself cannot have that one. And I have to tattoo that on my palm or something... I'm glad I chose to come back, than to wallow in what was turning into a daily pity party. And I'm good at justifying: Perhaps one shot of scotch will cure my sore throat. Please...how pathetic is that.

[available]

Re: Newbies Nest

Morning nesters

Hyper stay close to the nest, so glad you had another day sober. thats one for all of us here!

Pav, i meant to say i was thinking about you and your dad and hope you take care of you. I know if anything interrupts my days off i am not happy and have to engage grudgingly and then feel guilty as hell. I hope all is okay.

Oh Nar, i am so conscious about having a drink with al in it but thats not a bad thing. i can imagine you thinking "oh god this is it" as that would be my thoughts, just waiting for that awful feeling of craving a drink, needing that fix. I had a lemon, lime and bitters the other day and the bitters does have a small amount of al in it. the waitress made it that strong that i felt like i was drinking a bourbon or something. i told my SO i would not be able to drive after my non al drink.

Welcome back Belle, 5 years is a massive achievement but i hate to hear of relapses after that time. can i ask what happened to drink again. Oh i always thought a bottle of cold wine would soothe my throat when i was sick, well didnt even have to be cold really. an excuse to drink on a day off and then look really ill when i went back to work. Glad to have you back in the nest, to me this is my accountability each and every day.

today i am off to the SO's for a few days, he has air con! Think i will go and do some op shopping for some bargains. ten more days of holidays and loving it i must say.

Wags, i am with you on the new years plan. i eat way too much junk now and need to get my crap together. funny how once we stop exercising it seems such a chore and i do so love my walks. just need an injection of motivation.

take care x

[Lavande]

Re: Newbies Nest

Good evening Nesters,

Freezing cold still, it is winter Heading down to 13 degrees tonight, brrrr!!

Pav, sorry about your dad, it's rough dealing with all that. All of our parents are long gone now, it was exhausting, I remember. Helping your parents through these times is a wonderful thin, just don't lose yourself along the way.

Hyper, hang on to your 50 AF days, great job!
It's true, we will have good days along with the bad days & we don't need AL for any of them. See if you can devote some time each day to mindfulness. It helped me out a lot & helped me from feeling overwhelmed. I still love a good guided meditation now & then.

Kensho, I am glad for you as well - a no AL Christmas rocks

Rahul, nice to see you & glad you are doing well

Belle, welcome back, glad you are here! You know what to do so stay with us!

Happy to see everyone & wishing a safe night in the nest for all!

Lav