Newbies Nest

[NoSugar]

Re: Newbies Nest

NS. Connection! Yep, real important i reckon. Human connection. A phone convo, posting here, an email, in person face to face.....all or any of the above. Keep connected my friends. Isolation is a killer and one of our common traits.

I was fully aware I was isolating myself as my addiction worsened. Heck, I hardly said yes to anything, dropped out of a craft group and a book club, manipulated situations not to have to drive at night, and essentially just hung out with my toxic friend each and every evening. No wonder my poor spouse started saying yes to every possible event that came his way!!

The insight I had from reading Death Wish again this time was how much isolating I did throughout my life - long before I ever drank - by trying so hard to be 'better than' or 'different from' everyone around me. Text book over-achiever who was never satisfied. Maybe I thought it was cool or sophisticated not to be part of the crowd. I felt like I had to be the top student or I would have failed. I refused to try things unless I knew beforehand I would succeed. I had disdain for things that were "overly" popular. It is such a humbling revelation that I essentially set myself up psychologically to become addicted. And given that I apparently have the physiology and biochemistry to become addicted to alcohol, it was a perfect storm as in my 30's I started to drink (again in pathetic pursuit of sophistication and a misguided belief that red wine is healthy, I guess).

I'm coming to agree with several recent authors that lack of connection is critical in addiction - what a particular person becomes addicted to likely is related to genetics and biology and of course, environment and exposure. I was never around alcohol to any extent until my 30s - up until then it was an addiction to raging perfectionism. Neither is good and I'm so grateful to have left both behind (although I still correct typos in my posts when I see them :wink.

[KENSHO]

Re: Newbies Nest

Howdy pardners. Frustrating day here - productivity doesn't even have a CHANCE to happen when my stupid internet goes down. 1 hour later (usually more) with the provider on the phone and, surprise, it DIDN'T have anything to do with me, it's always them. Anyway - many people have much worse problems so I'll count my blessings now: 1, 2, 3, 4........

Byrdie, sorry for your PIA co-worker. Nothing gets my goat more than doing more than my fair share (especially knowing that alcohol drives those decisions). Hang in there and demand 70/30!

Moon, feels great to unload unused things from our houses right? I love that feeling. Glad you are feeling good about sprucing up your space!

Thanks NS for your exceptional and wise perspective. I agree wholeheartedly that knowing there are people of all backgrounds and locations going through a universal thing is comforting. I've tried and tried and can't do this by myself. Period.

My friend doing the diet that bans alcohol (who I suspect has an alcohol problem much like mine was) mentioned that she met people down at the main hall of their very small mountain town - and that the beer was a terrible temptation. I have tried to open up to her in the past and have surmised that her lack of any response meant she too struggled. So I've been careful not to talk a lot about it unless she brings it up - feeling it would push her away because she's clearly not ready to address it. However, I took this opportunity to tell her (in a very lighthearted way) that I completely understand that struggle, and that time away was the only thing that made me forget my desire. I wonder if she will choose to look this beast square in the face or deny it for longer? One thing I know for sure, she won't do anything about it until she's good and ready.

Have a good afternoon/evening/morning wherever you are!

[Choices]

Re: Newbies Nest

Hi Nesters, Day 4 for me and I am feeling better than I did yesterday. It was nice reading everyone's posts! I am really happy to be here again. This might sound odd but I think I was actually drinking out of lazyness this past time. I was unable to commit to being AF but I wasn't really enjoying much about drinking anymore. I think in the past I quit out of fear. This time it just feels more like a good decision. It's always a good decision! But I am enjoying my much calmer approach this time. I don't have a lot of guilt or shame. (Thank God!) It's more of a I need to do this, want to do this kinda feeling. I feel lucky to be totally motivated by my own desire for health this time.

So day 3 of my diet and things are going well! I know there is NO WAY I can stick to it if I even have one drink. It kills it every time.

I got an extension on a term paper that was due before Christmas... Ug, it's due in two days... So I will be wracking my brain to get it done. I'm nearly there. I really do not feel like doing homework. It is so hot here (NZ) that it's tough to concentrate. OK--- enought wining! Thank goodness I am not trying to do this tough paper, the heat and family life with a hangover! No thanks!

[jvo]

Re: Newbies Nest

Evening Nest,

NS, I bet a lot of us here have that same perfection issue. I know that is sooooo me, and I get really frustrated because of it. I've been sitting here on the couch pouting because of something that happened today at work. It left me feeling threatened as a teacher with over 25 years of experience. Not a good feeling at all. We were issued our revised evaluations today. That is, the reading, English and math teachers. All the other teachers' evaluation in our school and schools in our area are not affected by state testing. For example, if my evaluation is weighted half from an oberservation and half from how students in our school scored on state tests, the other teachers overall evaluations are weighted 85 percent from an observation and 15 from overall student scores. so, today, I went from being a distinguished teacher to a proficient. I've never had that before. I asked my principal what happens next. He said if student continue this trend, I'll be in a needs improvement category. The lowest category is "failing." So while the other teachers are not accountable as we are, my job is threatened as I am threatened. Not good for a perfectionist.

Our school is in jeopardy of being take. Over by the state. We were the lowest scoring district in the area, and also the lowest economically. I work in a very poor district. It's always been a challenge, but in the past, we've had decent leadership. In two weeks, they're going to be shifting principals around the district. This has never happened before...not in the middle of the school year. Why are they doing this? Because the principals are not doing their jobs. Our school is going to implode soon, as our students are out of control because of the lack of discipline. And yet, we must make sure these kids perform well on state tests. Our kids are not only poor, but so many are homeless, live with grandparents because their parents are on drugs or in jail. The stories behind a big percentage is so sad. Yet they must score better on these tests because that's what matters. But we aren't allowed to teach them better behaviors because the leaders of our school feel bad for them. I feel bad for them, but letting these behaviors go unconsequenced is not helping these children. It's teaching them that they can get away with these behaviors and they'll continue, and they do continue.

I'm sorry for this long and irrelevant post. But I'm really frustrated at this time. I am not drinking, but I had to get this off my chest and so I picked on this forum to do that.

I am grateful that I had such a shitty day and didn't drink. I came home as I usually do, let my dog out, and crawled under my warm covers for a nap. I woke up crabby. And still frustrated. But I'm not drinking. What would that help. Nothing. Actually I'm just sad right now. Maybe that's all a part of the early sobriety, but I know work is a huge part. I told my principal when he handed me my eval to sign, I'm really sad about this whole thing. And I continue to drive myself crazy on how to improve the scores. He did tell me that my students that I had on my rosters tested better last year than the previous year, but the overall school rating went way down. We have to claim the kids we teach and they factor that into our eval. I'm gonna quit now. I need to get some things done.

Have a good night.

Jvo
Proficient teacher

[tonyniceday]

Re: Newbies Nest

Well that is almost it for today... all pubs now closed, nowhere to buy al and got the meds today so tomorrow should be much easier because I'm going back on Antabuse for a while then I know a CAN'T drink... [MENTION=18725]NoSugar[/MENTION] I have to say that although the split with Mrs T has been sad,and bad that I have already seen that the environmental thing is very important... the main reason that I am back here and have quit al again is because my very good friend who I am staying with hates alcohol with a passion. She (yes "she" , but it really is just a friendship and nothing more) detested the smell in the house when I had a drink...or came back from the pub. She knew I had a problem but there is now no home pressureto "just have 1" which would always lead to lots...
So I have the most supportive person I could possibly wish for and though I am sad to have left the restaurant, tht too was not a conducive environment to quit.
I think therecan be genetic and other factors but for me the environmental one was the key to starting my quit again.
Have a good and safe AF night everyone.
Tony

[Lavande]

Re: Newbies Nest

Good evening Nesters,

I am so happy that the temperature finally went above freezing today for the fist time in 2 weeks, ha ha! It really doesn't take much to make me happy

NS & jvo, at one time in my life I dealt with some perfection issues too. Looking back though it was really not coming from me but was a self-defense thing. My father was a perfectionist who expected perfection from everyone. Then there was 8 years of Catholic school with the old style nuns who cracked knuckles, if you know what I mean. I think all that set me up on a path that I didn't need or want to be on It took a lot of years & effort to get rid of that crap.

Byrdie, I am much happier working completely alone on a project - just sayin I hope everything worked out for you today!

Tony, stick to your plan now & take back your life. AL does nothing but destroy lives, we've all witnessed that.

Wishing everyone a safe & comfy night in the nest!

Lav

[Guitarista]

Re: Newbies Nest

Hola all!

Jvo, any way you can get some of the kids onboard? What i mean is, get them involved in the decision making process and future direction of the school? Kind of like a student advisory board? Just so crazy it could work? I dunno. Are there a few kids there who see the benefits of their continuing education? Just an idea. Take care.

NS. Big part of my attention now goes on my emotional wellbeing. How i'm feeling, what i'm thinking every day. I sometimes want to 'escape' or get numb and leave reality behind for awhile, and boozing has been my previous quick, surefire method. But i know for me/us this is damaging and very risky. A game of russian roulette to be sure. No telling where or how it will go or end. So i need to acknowledge that feeling of the need to escape and explore the thing. Why do i feel a need to escape? What's behind this thinking G man? Am i bored? Whaaaa? Bored of what? If i'm bored, then i.am. BORING. I'm creative enough to find ways to 'escape' reality, or.......even just sit with it, and let any frustrations pass through me and out the other side. All i have to do is know how i'm going to handle such moments of 'boredom', 'wanting to escape', or the 'fk its'. I need to develop some level of self awareness i reckon, which is why i meditate and do yoga every single morning.

Take care out there.

[lifechange]

Re: Newbies Nest

hi Nesters,
haven't been able to read too far back this afternoon.. and this is just a trying-to-keep-my-sanity post as I feel ready to jump out of my skin. everyone is getting on my nerves, talking my head off, the news is blasting from 2 tv's 24/7.. deep breaths. I want to enjoy these last evenings/last day. I ran to the library to find some movies for tonight and that helped a bit. I don't really have a place to pull back here and I feel guilty for wanting to do it.. I felt a huge urge to have a drink to relax and it does help to numb for a few short moments.. but I know it would never end with that and my stomach feels sick even thinking about it, which I'm not anymore.
Ok. I still have a few minutes to read back a bit. So glad to have you all here.. I loved the posts about community, being at different stages, how sharing helps us all. Thanks for being here!!

[Byrdlady]

Re: Newbies Nest

Cranky fly by. We didnt get the bid done today, he has promised that we will get on it first thing in the morning. We shall see. I will be glad when that quote is done.
Hope eveyone had an easy day! Byrdie

[jvo]

Re: Newbies Nest

Thanks G. We do have a student advisory board although it's falling apart as well, because it was run by the principal. We have so many things that should be going on, and we put a committee of teachers together and came up with strategies for making positive changes. I was on committee with 6 other teachers. It didn't get very far, and can't when the leaders don't email back to meet with us. We're also short staffed because when the last 5 or so teachers have retired, they never replaced them. But thanks again for your ideas.

[Choices]

Re: Newbies Nest

Hi Again everyone,

Sorry to hear of the work frustrations going on! We spend so much time at work it's tough when it's stressful. And all the other stressors happening at the moment. I've got my stress happening with my term paper... It is slow going. I keep getting distracted by organizing my closet! Oh well, anything is a postive step as long as I'm not drinking. I don't even feel like it. But- that is always how I feel in the early days. It's usually after 2 weeks or so that I'm feeling so good that I think, "Oh yeah! I haven't drank in a while! May as well have some wine". Which is always a dumb thing to do as then I feel like crap for months on end waiting to give it up again for another two weeks. I'm onto the 30 days for sure this time. Ok- I am back to my paper, then making dinner for my little girl. I'm prepped for my meal too. My husband is doing his own version of eating healthy... (which doesn't look all that healthy to me) but mums the word. Getting along is pretty nice and I need that right now.

[tonyniceday]

Re: Newbies Nest

Hi guys.... here I still am - into day 4 but it's 3.40 am and I'm back to the insomnia problem I had the 1st time around! Someone gave some advice onthis but I can't findit - any suggestions?

[Guitarista]

Re: Newbies Nest

Thanks G. We do have a student advisory board although it's falling apart as well, because it was run by the principal.

I meanr School advisory board run by the students, but either way i'm sure you've run all sorts of ideas up the flagpole over the years. Good luck with it Jvo. Hope things brighten up there. One thing is certain - They're all lucky to have you.

Tony, sorry i don't have any ideas on sleeping. But Lav and a few others surely will. Hope u got some shut eye jn the end mate.

[Jude58]

Re: Newbies Nest

Tony, if you find an answer for insomnia, let me know what it is!:eek-new:

[moonking]

Re: Newbies Nest

Pav - that’s a great plan for your work room! If I was adventurous enough I’d open my own business and be a professional organizer. I love going into a room, putting like things together and getting rid of stuff that people don’t need. I’ve had to give a bit of that up as a compromise in my marriage - my husband has the shed and the garage to do with what he pleases and I have to remind myself almost daily to not be bothered by it! I just want everything in it’s place.

NS - I agree that humans want to be connected. Probably why it’s been so hard for me to quit. I don’t know anyone who is open and honest about having a drinking problem in real life. In fact, the only people I know who don’t drink are my in-laws, but we’ve never had a discussion about it. Everyone else I know drinks (for the most part normally.) It’s hard when you feel like an outsider - like the only one who can’t get this under control. It’s made me fall into this “what’s wrong with me?” mindset, which of course doesn’t help. And it also didn’t help that others didn’t see my “problem.” Most would probably say that they knew I enjoyed wine, but it was more of a joke and they’d never guess it was an actual issue. MWO has helped me see that indeed, yes, my actions WERE a problem and like you said, I’m not alone. I don’t know how to correctly phrase it, but it’s been helpful for me to hear others’ stories that really do back up the fact that I cannot drink in any way shape or form…even if my brain keeps telling me I can.

Also raising my hand as a perfectionist! Definitely part of the reason why I started drinking so much, alcohol helped me keep that part of myself in check…until it went the other way. :-/

Congrats on day 3, Tony! No advice from me on insomnia. I usually go get on the couch with some hot tea and watch TV, but according to experts the “blue light” isn’t really advisable.

Quit - I’m not sure I could do an all inclusive right now. The one we went to in Cancun had liquor dispensers in the room. And tequila shots were never ordered at the swim up bar, they just appeared in front of you. To be chased with tequila sunrises. Whew, that was a doozy of a week for me - ended up with a couple of broken toes and hella bad sun poisoning (don’t fall asleep in the sun when you’re full of tequila.) Funny story though, my mom kept saying dos cervezas when ordering on the beach and was confused the whole trip as to why she kept getting two beers. My dad (this was before they were divorced, those were the days!) let it go on far too long before he told her what she was actually saying. On a positive note though, the food was freaking fantastic. I actually lost weight that trip because of the availability of such great fresh fish, veggies and fruits. I wish I could eat like that all the time.

Kensho - I get the internet woes. Living in the middle of nowhere means almost 0 reliability. Luckily I have cell service to back me up on days that I work from home. But our internet is always going out. Kind of scary how much we rely on it, isn’t it? I hope your friend can open up to you, I’d imagine that would feel good to get off her chest.

Congrats on day 4, Choices! And feeling better!

jvo - my mom and brother are both English teachers and talk about evaluations, although not quite the way you described it. But I know it’s a source of stress for both. I think they are on a 4 point scale and the school district must maintain a certain point to continue to get funding. I know what frustrates them the most is with English sometimes it’s better to open a discussion and let the kids go - my mom said some of the deepest thoughts can be brought out when openly discussing a piece of literature, but if she were to do that and had an eval that day she would fail because they have a checklist of 8-10 things they must accomplish. So stupid and makes me scared for future generations. It’s like they are trying to run the schools like businesses. She feels hopeless sometimes - her district isn’t quite as poor as yours, but kids come to school dirty or having witnessed a drive by shooting or dad beating up mom and going to jail and now where are they going to get food? I know it weighs heavily on her and it’s infuriating that all that is cared about is state tests and not actually preparing these kids for bright futures. I’m sure you are a wonderful teacher and mean the world to your students. Good for you for not drinking.

Meanwhile in my children’s school district (where they will go anyway) they just put in a rule to discipline children who cannot pay for their lunches. You can’t make this stuff up - if the student goes to pay and there are insufficient funds, they are to DUMP THE FOOD IN THE TRASH RIGHT THERE and send the child away with nothing. (I know, I know, hygiene rules…) But how humiliating for that child? Oh, it breaks my heart. There is community outrage at the moment. Some people are planning to put together a fund to cover the costs of lunches if kids don’t have the money. I will gladly be donating to that.

Much like recent events in the US, the public education system makes me feel hopeless if I get down the rabbit hole too far. I know we will be able to provide a safe, stable environment for our children regardless of what it’s being thrown at them at school, but I know not everyone can do that. And it just makes me sad.

We hit a few snafus with the countertops and now have to have people back to repair what they broke. Frustrating to say the least with the amount of money we have invested. Usually I am uncomfortable in confrontational situations, but I held my own this round and was pretty proud of myself. Maybe this is a side effect of not drinking? Let’s hope so. Anyway, there is a small crack in the countertop that needs to be fixed or else they have to recut the entire piece and replace (which of course they don’t want to do.) The crack is tiny and you can’t see it, which is fine. I just want them to confirm that 1) it isn’t compromising the stability of the countertop AND 2) in the event something breaks further we are not liable for it. Getting the run around from the company, which is a bummer. But overall I’m very happy with the result and I’m bound and determined to find a backsplash that I love. I definitely found one that I’m leaning towards, but my apprehension is that it has very dark brown running through it and I’m planning to paint the cabinets black (and the chairs are black and the countertops have some black speckles in it.) I’m worried the brown will clash with the black.

Whew, back to the long posts, you guys. Don’t worry, I’m in a good place now - I’m sure something will come crashing down soon and I’ll be back to short posts!