Newbies Nest

[KENSHO]

Re: Newbies Nest

Hi April! Welcome! You ARE strong and brave! And you can do this. Each person here has a little different version of the same thing: alcohol was controlling us and we wanted our lives back. And no one who has stayed quit here has ever uttered a word of regret. So welcome, and pull up a twig!

My kids have the day off school today - 4 day weekend! - so I have planned a trip up north to have lunch with my dad and see a client and run a few errands. I'm feeling really good with how I've been eating and especially that I've hit my 30 day AF mark again. When I first came here in 2014 (GOD! Has it been that long I've been wasting time trying to keep alcohol in my life?), I was interested in just moderating. When that didn't work, I became interested in "taking a break". I realized how much more in control of my life I felt - and how happy it made me to be free of the alcohol obsession, and I embarked on a journey of alcohol-free days, that I managed to finally string together up to 8+ months. Apparently I wasn't ready for "forever", so I decide to "try" drinking again. And it took a bit, but the obsession came back and the sneaking and daily drinking and the mindless tequila shots at 4pm (as if grabbing a snack from the fridge). And now? I can't be a drinker. I am not a drinker. I will not drink for the rest of my life. I have set the groundwork with friends, family and clients by sharing with them - and they know that I prefer being alcohol-free to the sorry excuse of a life while clinging to alcohol. I can actually imagine forever and it feels good. I first started writing journal entries about wanting to drink less in 9 years ago. 9 freaking years!!! What a waste of time.

That said, I've had a few drinking thoughts the last couple days. Some romanticized accounts of wine I heard maybe caused it. Even the healthy magazines touting the healthiest diets on earth can't complete a menu without pairing the wine. Ack!

Anyway, thank you to everyone here. All the successful long-timers, the very new and everyone in between. Life is good without alcohol!!

[moonking]

Re: Newbies Nest

Hi April - Welcome! We’re about the same age

I can’t speak to the medicine, I’m using my current pregnancy as my anti-alcohol drug right now and as Wags said early - trying to lay the ground work for post pregnancy. The nest is an awesome place with awesome people. Lots of good support here - keep coming back and opening up.

Great job on 30 days, Kensho!

Thanks for the advice, all. I know I can’t just have one and what would one do anyway that zero cannot…but there is that voice there. Maybe THIS time will be different. I mean, I guess technically I was “fine” for awhile after I had my daughter, but it did escalate even though it took 3ish years to do so. I’ll try to keep all the bargaining I did in the past year in my brain. I really did try to only drink when my husband did or try to only drink on the weekends, but it never worked out. That should be a sign.

Very cold, icy and snowy here. Of course work didn’t close - because we never close! Roads were terrible, just slow going. But it’s coming down harder now.

Had a close call (not with alcohol) today at work. Was in a bad mood, did something REALLY stupid that I should have known better and luckily technology was smarter than me and had my back. But, jesus, was it stupid. Will never, ever make that mistake again. It had mine (and a co-worker’s) adrenaline GOING this morning, whew. But after some testing I realized we were in the clear. That certainly was karma kicking me in the ass this morning!

Hope everyone has a lovely, sober weekend!

[Guitarista]

Re: Newbies Nest

Hola!

Quick fly by. Congrats on 30 days Kensho! How time flies eh? Kingy, glad you're ok. Have a beaut weekend y'all. Despite the smiling vendors and enthusiastic raffle ticket sellers, No freakin ticket to no cotton pickin' boozeville here. No siree! L8tr g8trs.

[Byrdlady]

Re: Newbies Nest

Welcome April! We are so glad you found us. Let me take care of a piece of business first off! Around here, 7 days AF earns you a prize! Please accept this 2-cheeked salute from your fellow nesters! :butt: no butts about it, the worst is behind you! Great job and we are so glad you found us.
Kensho, 31 days is awesone, sorry I missed your 30 days yesterday, here is your hat! :guy: nice job there, keep up the great work!
TGIF! What a week!
No drink tastes better than being sober feels! Its only Friday, not a ticket to Boozeville! Hugs to all, Byrdie

[Lavande]

Re: Newbies Nest

Good evening Nesters,

I had a busy & crazy day (think grandsons & 3 extra dogs in the house), ha ha!! Got the kids delivered to their schools in time despite the pouring rain & dealt with the extra dogs (one just a puppy) in addition to my dog, cat & chickens of course. There is no way I would have been able to pull off a day like this with a hangover - nope.
These are the times I am especially grateful & a reminder of why I quit in the first place. My son needed last minute help today & I was able to step up

Hello & welcome April, glad you found the nest!
Congrats on your 7 AF days, great work. Be sure to visit our Tool box for lots of great ideas to help you put a plan together. There is a specific thread devoted to discussions about meds useful in quitting. I hope you find the info you need there. Be sure to let us know how you are doing, check in daily for support.

Kensho, Congrats to you on your 30 days & just keep going. Keep your sights set on your goals, to hell with anything or anyone suggesting you can have a drink, right?

Wishing everyone a safe & comfy night in the nest!

Lav

[Choices]

Re: Newbies Nest

Hi all! I still haven't read back yet. But I'm posting quickly and still AF. Yay! Tomorrow is 7 days. I did cheat on my diet yesterday and today but it will be easy to get on track without booze totally taking me off track. I hope everyone is well.

[jvo]

Re: Newbies Nest

Evening Nest,

Wow, long week. I was exhausted today at work, but got thru. Even had bus duty this afternoon and stood in the plummeting temps, wind, and rain for half hour. On my way home, I felt the tiredness so deep into my bones. I had a thought, not to stop and get wine, but that this feeling is one that would lead me to drink. I daydreamed me at a bar and having a wine in my hands and could taste it. I know. Sooooo bad. But I countered it with, " I'm going home and taking a nice long nap. I know I'll feel better if I do. And tomorrow will be so much better after a nice, long night's sleep." So my self talk continued for a little while, I made it home safely, took my nap. I laid down at 4:00 and didn't wake up until 7:00. I usually set my alarm if I nap, but I thought, "I'm just gonna sleep as much as I need." And I did. Didn't know what day it was when I woke up, but figured out eventually. It was the best thing for me, what my body needed, what my mind needed. REST. Not evil alcohol. Just rest. I'm grateful to be sitting in my pjs on a Friday night with my fire place on, reading everything and anything. My favorite thing to do. I feel better and just peaceful right now. The urge passed and I'm grateful.

Welcome April! We are all in the same nest, so glad to have you here to share stories and experiences.

Kensho, congrats on 31 days. That's awesome.

Great post byrdy. I also used your quotes in the self talk on the way home...truth is, one is not a bad, unhealthy practice once in a while. But for us, it's NEVER one. And if we did one, we will do 5 and maybe 10. Then the shitty cycle continues. Yuck.

I will continue to do this one day at a time. I had this stupid thought today..."I'll quit drinking until I retire in seven years." Does anyone wanna tell me why that thought is so f-ed up? Why would I even think that way? Is that a bargain or something. I need help with that.

Have a good night.

Jvo

[jvo]

Re: Newbies Nest

Just was watching an intervention episode and Ken Seeley was in it. It was an older show and he was very overweight. So I looked him up and read he's had several addictions including crystal meth, alcohol, sex, and food. He states that addiction is like what-a-mole. Once you recover from one addiction, another pops up. Interesting as I look back on my life and that really did happen. In high school, I took speed for a long time, then diet pills. Cocaine. Smoking cigarettes. Overeating. Alcohol. It's true. So when we quit any addiction, monitor yourself. We can become addicted to anything easily. Even sugar and coffee. He also said he reminds himself his needs are met, even though his wants may not match that.

Jvo

[Choices]

Re: Newbies Nest

Hi everyone,
Today was the first day that I thought about alcohol more. I didn't have any cravings, but it's almost been a week and it did feel strange that I have decided to stop drinking again. I thought about it in a silly glamous way. I shifted my thoughts to fancy teas and sipping those. I told myself 6 months not drinking is a drop in the bucket. Not to worry about forever. I am shooting for the 30 days.. but the future came into mind and it got uncomfortable so I decided to make the futrue 6 months AF.. Amazing mind games to stay AF sometimes.

My daughter had her first drop off Birthday party today (She is 5) So my husband and I went on a mini lunch date for the 3-hour childless hours. We actually haven't been on a date in about 2 years. It was lunch, and we are both trying to loose weight, that is probably why he didn't order a beer. If he had it would have been fine. We enjoyed ourselves and he suggested we stay at his mothers in a couple of weeks and have her watch our daughter while we get dinner and a movie. I did think about if I might want to have wine then... And then decided no. Its a way off so I'm not worried. I really don't want to drink so I'm sticking with that. I was at the groshery store and ended up in the liquor section, and I was happy that I didn't have strong feelings of desire, but I also thought it best to move it along, pay for my small amount of things and just get out of the store. I guess I can feel the challenge of staying AF knocking a bit. That is why I am posting again. To keep me on track. Thanks for listening.

[NoSugar]

Re: Newbies Nest

Just was watching an intervention episode and Ken Seeley was in it. It was an older show and he was very overweight. So I looked him up and read he's had several addictions including crystal meth, alcohol, sex, and food. He states that addiction is like what-a-mole. Once you recover from one addiction, another pops up. Interesting as I look back on my life and that really did happen. In high school, I took speed for a long time, then diet pills. Cocaine. Smoking cigarettes. Overeating. Alcohol. It's true. So when we quit any addiction, monitor yourself. We can become addicted to anything easily. Even sugar and coffee. He also said he reminds himself his needs are met, even though his wants may not match that.
Jvo

I used to worry about this Jvo because I tend to be an all or nothing sort of person. When I was on MWO all the time when I first quit, I wondered if I had developed a different sort of addiction. These days I knit all the time --- am I addicted to this behavior?

I decided that for me, the addiction definition of "uncontrollably doing something repeatedly more than you want or plan to" applies. I don't sign in here or knit despite my promises to myself not to. And if I can't sign in or knit, that's ok. On the other hand, I probably am addicted to caffeine and just haven't yet had a compelling reason to quit.

[Roobs]

Re: Newbies Nest

Hello Nesters,
I can't believe how much time has flown by since I've checked in. I have a lot to catch up on. I have some other supports I use to keep me on track but to be honest, I haven't been working my program like I should. I realized I was getting quite agitated the other night it was an antsy frustrated feeling. My skin was kind of crawling and I just had an unease about me. I realized it was during what used to be my "witching" hour and even though I did not think of alcohol right away it made me nervous that this was a perfect set up for me to fail. I started to think, how am I going to go to a family reunion and not drink? Why am I doing this, what's one event, who cares, I'm not that bad, I wasn't that bad and on and on. I managed to remind myself that I still have a bag of books and journals about how to quit, how to moderate, am I an alcoholic, shamefully hidden in my closet. Duh, ITS A PROBLEM FOR ME. so here I am getting my brain back on track and exercising those newer af muscles.

Welcome back tony,choices, jvo!

I Hope everyone has a happy and sober Saturday.
Roobs

[jvo]

Re: Newbies Nest

Hi Roobs, that evil al is working on your brain, and great that you caught it and can put your tools into place or renew your resolve to keep al out of your life. Monitoring our thoughts and behaviors is, I think, important in recovery as is continuing to talk about them with a support group. Glad you're here.

Choices, yep, those al thoughts are tricky. Just take it one day at a time with us. Together, we can do this. 30 is a great goal, and when you get there, maybe you can reveal how you're feeling, which undoubtedly will be great, then you can make a new goal for yourself.

Birdie, I found this in the toolbox and it helped me:

Call me crazy, but I keep a list of LONG TERMERS (6 months or more) who reintroduce AL back into their lives and end up WORSE OFF than when they got here! This list is sobering. These are people, like me! These are folks who think that TIME will change the wiring in the brain so that AL will no longer hold its appeal. I can sit here till the chickens come to roost and tell you that those pathways in the brain are as ingrained as the Grand Canyon is in Utah (or wherever they put it). It is JUST the way our brains are wired and NO amount of time will change that. We've had people here with 14-20 years of abstinence, and the minute they started back, it was as if no time had passed. Holding on to the HOPE that ONE DAY we will be able to drink normally is really something I had to LET GO. Wishing and hoping doesn't get THIS job done. If I am diabetic, I sure dam better get my sugar intake under control or it's going to kill me, same with this. It IS what it IS and there is no changing that.

I was bargaining with myself that I'll quit until I reach retirement. Then I'd re-evaluate things and drinking. I know that's so stupid, but that did go thru my mind. My thoughts were, I made it and now I can do what I want. What would that do to my very precious retirement. It would send me down a rabbit hole to hell, to bad health, to loss of life and enjoying things I never got to do while working. I need to focus on the present. 7 years is a long time away, and no one can predict what and where we will be then. It's a waste of time to even think about it.

This evening, were having a neighbors potluck dinner. Al will be present but I will have no part of it. There will be children here also, and that kind of makes me feel safe in this situation. I'd never want to be drink around them or even my neighbors. That would be embarrassing. So I dont have worries about tonight and I look forward to the social connections and playing games, everyone will take home what the bright, especially al beverages.

Have a nice day all.

Jvo

[NoSugar]

Re: Newbies Nest

Those pathways are permanent, J. The good news is we don't have to use them. It's like riding a bike - pretty hard to not know how to do that once you've figured out how.

Have a fun AF Saturday night. We will be babysitting - I'm so grateful not to feel resentful while spending time with this little boy. It is so humbling to face what I know is true - during addiction I would have chosen alcohol over him.

[wagmor]

Re: Newbies Nest

Welcome April and congrats on your first 7 days!!! This is definitely a great group for support and camaraderie, not to mention ideas or how to strengthen and/or protect your quit. Post every day if you can. Check out other threads as well - there are several that have a lot of posting activity.

Kensho - good job being aware of your temptation and then walking away from it. Those romanticized stories about al sometimes get to me too. I just have to keep reminding myself they are all lies. Honestly, I think even "normal" (non-disordered) drinkers would admit that al rarely delivers the promises we hear in ads, anecdotes, etc. In my opinion, fun (or romance, or whatever) comes from where you are, what you're doing, and who you're with.

Lav - sounds like a bustling day in Lav-land with all those kids and dogs. Sounds like you handled it like a pro!

Roobs - great to see you again! Good awareness on your part that you haven't been working your plan as much as you potentially could. Like Kensho above, your ability to find the root of the temptations or thoughts (in your case the witching hour) is often very helpful in neutralizing those thoughts. Like oh, that's what's happening, ok I can defend against that. Would love to see you posting more often if that would be helpful for you. Stay strong!

Jvo and NS - I'm definitely a person who has a lot of "all or nothing" types of behaviors or habits. I seem to get addicted, in a sense, to many different things - including exercise sometimes. I'm in a place right now where my addictive behaviors are minimal, but I've definitely had other times in my life where I just HAD to engage in certain behaviors or indulge in certain things (e.g. ice cream). Having this awareness of my tendencies helps somewhat, but it's definitely something I have to stay mindful of and try to make sure I don't let even something positive like exercise become more of an obsession that rules my life.


Speaking of exercise, today will be only my second time back on my bike since I started to feel sick 2 weeks ago. I rode to one of my classes and back a couple of days ago and could tell I'd lost a lot of physical conditioning in those two weeks. Plus, I was still coughing a bit, and riding aggravated that a bit. I think today will be much better, but I'm anticipating that I'll feel like I'm back at about square three in terms of being in shape Gotta start somewhere though, right?

Yesterday was a day from hell. It seemed that absolutely nothing went right. In my drinking days, it for sure would've been an excuse to soothe and reward myself with al. Interestingly, the thought never crossed my mind and I didn't really even realize I'd passed right through the evening with nary a thought of al. Yay!

In contrast, I was in a store with a friend on Thu and I saw one of my old favorite libations in the cooler - the thought flitted through my head that it sure would be nice to have one or two of those. NO!!! Where did that come from??? I think I will analyze this further, as it might be an indication of where my vulnerability lies - not in the stressful "I need a drink after such a hard day" side, but in the casual "hanging out and enjoying a drink or two" side that sneaks up without much warning.

Ok then, off to tackle another day. I have to work tomorrow and yesterday was hell as I mentioned, so I'm really looking forward to today being fun and restorative. The sun is out, so that's a good start! Happy weekends everyone!

[Pavati]

Re: Newbies Nest

Hi, Nest:

We had a big family reunion about 7 months into my quit. I am quite close to my family - many cousins who love to have a good time. I was QUITE worried about what it would be like. By that time, I knew I wasn't going to drink, but I didn't want it to be awkward for anyone or for anyone to judge me (while they are mostly great people, we have a judgmental streak in my family). Well, BBQ, softball game, hike, picnic, party, claming, and finally a big dance party. No one even noticed that I wasn't drinking. On the third night I started a dance party while we were making dinner, and one of the cousins said to my sister something about if I had enough wine. When my sister said that I didn't drink anything, no one could believe it. Heck, I couldn't believe it. I had such a great time, and never missed alcohol at all. That was a revelation for me - I could be at a three day party, not have any alcohol, and still have an amazing time. Good for you for noticing how you were feeling and coming back here.

J-Vo - I quit smoking a number of years ago, and I always said that I would start again when I was old and sitting on my porch. Of course, now you couldn't pay me to have a cigarette. Seven sober years from now you'll be feeling so great you won't WANT to drink.

April - welcome, and I am glad you quit the drinking. The freedom is amazing. Congratulations on one week of getting your life back. Have you checked out the blog Hip Sobriety? The writer is a young woman - you might find interesting support there.

Wags - great you were able to get a ride in! I hate how quickly the old body give in to the mush of no exercise. Hope today goes well.

Moon - when you say it took you 3 years to get back to a point of problem drinking, is that being honest with yourself? If you thought back, weren't there times when you drank too much? Had a hangover? Thought about drinking instead of your kid? I am asking, because I think I painted a very rosy picture for myself about when my "problem" drinking started, and how it was or wasn't controlled. That was the revelation I alluded to in my last post - I was ALWAYS a problem drinker. Even when I was "ok," I was not ok. Alcohol was the love of my life for a very long time. I didn't always feel badly about it, but I ALWAYS thought about it; I frequently drank more than I intended; I planned parts of my life around accessing alcohol (for example, where and how I would celebrate certain events); and I really never just wanted one drink. I sometimes had just one drink, or no drinks (only if home, really), but it was only because at that point I had slightly more control. I don't mean to put you on the spot - just trying to help. There is plenty of evidence to say there is no going back once a certain line is crossed with alcohol.

Ok, off to shirk my work and go on a long hike in the woods. Just what the doctor ordered.

Happy SOBER Saturday.

Pav