Newbies Nest

[Choices]

Re: Newbies Nest

I did cheat on my diet last night- I had spaghetti with my daughter. Oh well! I haven't had carbs for about 2 weeks so my tummy feels kinda yuck! but it was that or lose my cool, and make my mood worse. Next time I go on an outting I'll have dinner pre made I think. It will definately help when I'm tired. Gosh life has to be organized when your trying to stay sober and not eat the house down! lol

[jvo]

Re: Newbies Nest

Evening Nest,

LC great posts. Glad your first day was good, and you felt good. That first day back Aleays gives me anxiety. Remember that first day of school feeling? Yeah, that never went away for me.

I had a nice day away from work today. Got to go to a conference and learn some good stuff. I'll always love taking notes.

yesterday I talked to my son twice and texted several times. He needed to drop a class and will have to retake in the summer. Well, it was a great feeling having a clear head to be able to provide encouragement and guidance in telling him who he needed to call, what to do...especially the evening call was good. I would have had more than a few in me by that time. I didn't and I was able to be there for him. Damn that felt good.

A bit behind In some things this evening so need to go.

Jvo

[Lavande]

Re: Newbies Nest

Good evening Nesters,

Everyone sounds good on this Friday eve
We had some sunshine today & a bit of snow melting. Looking forward to warmer than normal temps for the next week or two, yay!
I found a fox hanging around the chicken house today.....for real. I know there's at least 3 of them in the area. I've seen them gathered together for their weekly meetings

Choices, I am & always have been a firm believer in bribes when it comes to motivating your kids. Call it positive reinforcement if you like, it works!
Make it age appropriate, toys, books, snacks for the little ones & $$, car keys, freedom for the teens
My husband & I worked shift work while our kids were growing up so there was usually only one us home at a time to manage things.
Glad things worked out for you!

Jvo, I always loved a paid day away from work too. What more can you ask for? Right? Ha ha!!
It is freedom to know that we can be available 24/7 to help our loved ones when they need a hand

Wishing everyone a safe & comfy night in the nest! Ava - turn on the AC!!!!

Lav

[Choices]

Re: Newbies Nest

Wow, I'm having a really tough time today. Lots of frustration and I'm unable to focus. I really want to drink-- but don't. I don't want to drink.

I just feel itchy. Everything is bothering me.

We are going to my in-laws tonight. I'll need to be strong on the I'm not drinking anymore front as my MIL and I have started to drink wine together every time I see her. I haven't said anything to her yet. I was planing on texting her, but I can't get my head strait.

I see my friends tomorrow but it's been raining so I'm not sure if we will be able to do our blueberry/lavender plan.

I need to have myself together in two hours and I can't seem to get anything done. I don't even know where to start. This is how it always seems to be with me in the early days of sobriety. I'm good for two weeks and then give up. I'm not going to give up, as I know it gets better.

I don't consider myself a perfectionist at all, but I was thinking this morning when I got my girl to school late without a lunch- GAH! That just being normal and organized is near impossible sometimes for me. I always turn up with my hair a mess and usually the same outfit. The excuse is I'm studying. But I'm not studying this week? No one is putting this pressure on me. My mum friends are nice, the teachers are nice, I don't feel judged by my appearance. But it just sucks that I can't have it together more often.

Thanks for listening.

[Guitarista]

Re: Newbies Nest

Hola nesters near and not so far.

Gr8 job on the death stcks Jude and Ava. Keep it going gals!

Hope you're going ok there Choices. I just a guitar slingin' gypsy rogue so got no advice on family matters or raising a 5 yr old, but i like that you mentioned deep breathing. PAUSE. STOP. Slooooooow it all down, take a step back, step outside ourselves, and look inwards at what we're thinking and examine it for a second. I often then realise i'm creating a mountain of stress out of thin air that doesn't need to be there. Good to see you posting your thoughts.

My hairstyle seems to be moving along nicely these days -

Hair Toupee.jpg

Pav has had this look for years -

hair afro.jpg

Jvo yesterday around 11 a.m. -

hair fem wild messy.jpg

Choices only an hour ago -

Punk Hair Goes Wild - Crazy New Hair Styles 1.jpg

[jvo]

Re: Newbies Nest

Lol, G!!

[KENSHO]

Re: Newbies Nest

Choices hang in there and give yourself a break! You don’t have to do a single thing perfect - except go easy on yourself. It can feel like a crazy mess in our heads when quitting... we are trying to stop addiction and heal. Being “together” is not a must in your playbook right now. Just focus on how much stronger you are getting each time you want to drink and don’t. In fact it has worked for me to take my craving and throw it back in its face - know that when you don’t drink the times you REALLY, REALLY want it, those are the times you forge new neural pathways and make it easier for next time. Tell your craving to go suck it. Then imagine the healing that is happening inside of you. You’re a good mom because you care, and you will still be a good mom after forgetting lunch ((hugs)).

Loooooooong day here after a late night of work. I’m pooped and will have to flex that sober muscle myself. Yesterday, I visited a showroom and the sales rep looked awful and reeked of alcohol. At 11am. I wondered if he thought he was fooling anyone? Then I remembered when I used to see a therapist for the purpose of addressing my alcohol use. I found the nearest liquor store and actually wondered if she would be able to smell the alcohol if I had “only one” shot before our appointment. What’s so incredible about that is not whether she could smell me, but that I was abusing alcohol at the meeting I set up to stop abusing alcohol. I was convinced that my consumption was low enough that I didn’t REALLY have a problem, but I was debating whether to drink my shot at 3pm before the appt. or at 4 after. Amazing.

Have a STRONG and sober evening / morning!

[Choices]

Re: Newbies Nest

Lol! You got my hair exactly right g-man! I love it. Thanks KENSHO. I think I do need to ease up. I get excited for my new self and I need to have more patience. And, I agree G that there is this stress in the air that isn’t as big as I imagine. I think it’s maybe me looking for a reason to drink. It’s tricky because it feels really real.

Flexing these new sober muscles is not easy KENSHO. It kinda pisses me off! I’m up for it though. I’m really glad I’m posting when it gets tough, so I don’t talk myself into drinking, or stress myself into it.

I’m safe and sound at my in laws. My MIL offered me wine, but I told her I’m on the wagon. I just said it madder of fact. She said she didn’t really feel like any either, but wanted to have it to offer.

I’m feeling much better.

[Byrdlady]

Re: Newbies Nest

Mr. G, I've had a bad hair decade! Pav, I had to laugh that you've had the same hairstyle since the Carter Administration....I did, too. Until I decided to get sober and I let my hair grow long. It's funny to look back in pictures, I know if my hair was short, I was drinking. I've never gone for purple high lights, but I'm still young enough to rock that, I think (at almost 60). Age is just a number! I did go for burgundy one time.....I got caught in the rain and the color ran on my coat! !@#$%!

I'll tell you, it's so good to see people opening up and facing the ugly truth about this disease and its recovery and get it out of our head. I believe it's better to get it out here than to let it sit and grow variations of the truth in our minds. My feeling is that this forum is for my recovery, so if someone else doesn't want to read it, that's fine, but it's a record of where I was at that point in time. This is my journal. Writing it down makes it real. It was an ugly mirror I had to face exactly 7 years ago today, undoubtedly, one of the worst days of my life. I came here and sought the help of others who knew all the crazy thoughts and chatter I was hearing. I learned to listen to others who were successful at what I wanted....long term sobriety. Has it been easy? Hell no! I still get the occasional crazy thought. That's why, on day 2557. I'm still posting. We never arrive at the finish line....recovery is all about the journey.

It's only Friday, Nesters! NOT a free ticket to Boozeville! TGIF! Byrdie

[wagmor]

Re: Newbies Nest

Choices & Kensho - yep, flexing those sober muscles when we're tired or stressed or otherwise having to deal with feelings we just don't really want to feel is often more challenging. I think that's been one of the biggest learnings for me - how to cope and self-soothe when I'm feeling anything uncomfortable. Great job both of you on flexing, coming here, and riding things out - as always, the uncomfortable feelings pass and new ones settle in.

Jvo - glad you enjoyed your conference, and especially glad you were able to be there again for your son.

Pav - I used to have "just one shot" before sessions with a counselor where I was wanting to get help with not drinking as well. I only saw her a few times - I always wondered if she could tell. It seems the only ones we're fooling are ourselves. Too bad about the guy you encountered at work. I cannot say that never would have been me - it WAS me way too many times!

G-dude - love the hairstyles!

LC - I'm sure it was quite a shock to your system going back to work after several weeks off. I hope you feel rejuvenated and ready to rock this year! I've got a week off coming up in mid-Feb and I am really looking forward to it.


Waves and hellos to everyone stopping by today. No tix to b-ville here!

[moonking]

Re: Newbies Nest

You guys are killing me, I love it. I miss a day and the nest blows up! It’s a good thing

Choices - your story about finishing off the bottle at your in-laws reminds me of a story of my own. I went to a movie with a friend. Naturally we got drinks with dinner beforehand and then slipped rum into our movie cokes. When we got back to her house for the night, we each had a glass of wine. She went to bed and I stayed up to read. As to not be obvious, I poured the rest of the wine bottle into a water bottle and took it to my room to drink while I read. Not normal. Not okay. I applaud you for being open and honest with your daughter, that’s awesome. My daughter is just 3, so I’m unsure of how aware she is. Our daughter doesn’t go to bed easily either. Sometimes bedtime would take 3 hours of fighting and I’ll I would want was a drink. It’s getting better now - she’s in bed by 8 or 8:30 - and sometimes so am I! It’s wonderful to not be held down by that thought that you have to drink. I’d drink late into the night to get “my time” as well. I could relate to everything you said in your post - even fighting with your husband. I’m so drained by the time I get home from work and then dinner and bath time and clean up, etc that I was jut no good afterwards. A glass or two (3, 4, 5…) of wine helped me be present with my daughter. Or so I thought. I’m now realizing that at 145 days without alcohol, I’m so much more present. I also don’t feel guilty for saying, “Mommy needs a 10 minute break.” But I totally get the guilt screen time thing. It’s been so cold and snowy here so we’ve just been watching Netflix constantly. I try to tell myself she doesn’t get TV time at daycare all day, so it’s OK at home? I dunno.

Kensho - right there with you. Hubby filled his cup twice last night with wine and this morning I looked at how much was gone from the bottle. Not even half. How can he do that? Why can’t I do that??? That bottle would have been demolished had I been drinking it.

I’m finding that if I have nothing to “do” that’s when my eating gets so off track (and arguably my drinking, as well). I thought once I finished my house projects I’d have a sense of accomplishment. I do, but I’m also just bored. My daughter is becoming more independent and doesn’t always “need” us to play with her, so now suddenly I have this time to fill. Finally making way on the kitchen project and going to reorganize the pantry. It’s a disaster. Feels good to have something to do again. Now just to find that healthy balance between stuff to do and not overdoing it!

Lots of thoughts that I can be a normal drinker, lately. But I’ve told myself no matter how many times I think that, I gotta keep coming to the nest and checking in.

Had a big drinking dream the other night. Downed almost an entire fifth of 1800 tequila. Everything was so real in the dream - not just feeling drunk or hungover, but I could physically feel stuff - the carpet on my bare feet, the bottle in my hand. The heat from the light above me. I was not in a real place (it was some mixture of work and home) but I’ve never been able to feel things so vividly in a dream before. I was on my hands and knees crying and clawing at the carpet begging for it to be a dream and to just wake up. And I’ve never been so happy to wake up from a dream before!

All this talk about hair. I recently stopped wearing makeup and stopped doing my hair every day. It’s crazy long and I’m letting it air dry. Most days I still look in the mirror and think I’m a mess, but it’s so freeing to not be bound by makeup and hair in the morning. My next step is to stop wearing a bra (yeah, you read that right.) But I can’t quite figure it out. Obviously not an option while pregnant or breastfeeding, but if I can get back to my pre-pregnancy weight, I shouldn’t have a need for a bra. Oh the freedom!

Temps are looking up here in the Midwest - the 40s! WOOHOO! Means it’s going to be a muddy, disgusting mess…but single digits are gone for now.

[jvo]

Re: Newbies Nest

Afternoon,

I usually don't post from work, but today, I'm going to because I need to. I am covering a class for another teacher as we have 11 teachers out of the biuilding, so I'm really just babysitting because it's a creative dance class and I know nothing about creative dance. I wish it were a hair styling class.

Anyway, this morning while I was on cafeteria duty, a teacher on my team told me that our superintendent got assualted pretty badly yesterday. It shook me up, I got chills, and felt kind of in shock. Our schools have not been doing well test-wise or behavior, and morale in the district has really plummeted. So this feeling that went through me, made me think of drinking. I literally could taste it, even tho it was 7:20 in the am! It upset me that my mind went to that almost immediately. Other thoughts, it's Friday, I. Tired, exhausted. This is, for me, a recipe for disaster. A recipe for bingeing. What else is my mind used to doing? Solving my problems with drink. It's not solving anything I know, but it allows me to numb myself, check out and not feel these uncomfortable feelings. Damn. It really shook me. And I know in this early sobriety, this will happen. It's inevitable, as our brains are programmed to think that way. I know I'm going to go straight home and get under my safe covers and nap, maybe for a few hours. I'm going to get up and put fireplace on and watch some "big, little lies." I don't know if I wanna do anything productive tonight, because I may just wanna be a lump on the couch. I'm going to get to Saturday without drinking and be on day 20. I'll be rested and ready to be productive then...maybe. Oh, so when I felt this wave of anxiety travel thru my system, almost shocking me and messing up my beachy waves, about an hour later, I texted a few friends and told them the situation. They were so helpful and supportive and glad they were here for me. Support is so necessary with this addiction, or any addiction. I'm glad I've calmed down, and glad I typed this out. I'll check in later.

[Seeker1]

Re: Newbies Nest

Hello all. Have been catching up on all the posts and it has been really good. Everything everyone talked about since I was last on touched some part of my drinking life. The challenges we face, how our drunk/addictive (d/a) self always tries to take over using any weapon it has available. Thanks each one of you. And the last post from jvo going through a hard craving episode and getting thru it (way to keep the strength...). I went thru a very similar experience this morning on my way home from the dentist. Out of the blue my d/a self said I might as well stop and get a 12 pack, I could drink it over the next couple of days, I have time (it always starts out a 12 pack or a pint of vodka, then I buy a 30 pack or a 5th/quart when I get to the store). It was the most familiar, smooth, comforting craving my d/a self could throw at me, for a nano-second I almost fell for it. But I didn't. It was tough in the way that my d/a self felt very disappointed and hurt (of all things!), but I knew what would happen if I gave in. Since I gave away all my secrets, my d/a self knows what's really going on and is going to put up a fight. I don't want to fail. Everything is out there now. I never really wanted to quit drinking before, I hid it away from everyone. I was going to do whatever it took to be able to drink in one way or another. I knew that deep inside, I knew it. I finally let that go and the real fight has started. I am glad I found this place, I have spent some very nice, healing time catching up. Take care...

[Byrdlady]

Re: Newbies Nest

And that is just how it's done Seeker and Jvo....one situation/craving at a time. Sometimes they seem insurrmountable, but if you can take a step back and see the view from 30,000 feet, the perspective changes. A drink isn't going to relieve anything really, it's going to ADD to the problem. We are either contributing to our quit, or contaminating it....there is no in between.

Take the choice of drinkng off the table. Since that's NO LONGER AN OPTION, What other ways can you cope with the situations that pop up? Byrdie

[Seeker1]

Re: Newbies Nest

Good question Byrdie. I am very reactionary. I work not to be but at times I am so without thinking. I need to slow myself down when presented with a situation, give myself time to think and contemplate, which can be 10 seconds or 10 days, and in a thoughtful, kind, patient and tolerant way express my feelings on said situation. Unfortunately...I can just react to a situation, sometimes even well, but many times I need to slow down because usually upon reflection I find that I can screw things up worse. Especially in communication with loved ones when maybe there is a disagreement or the like...and then that can lead to misunderstandings, resentments, and a good excuse to drink them away.