Newbies Nest

[mywayin]

Re: Newbies Nest

what the vibe is when we meet again.

G-man,

My husband and I dated off and on for 7 years before getting married.

During those years I really played hard-to-get. I was successful, pretty and had plenty of suitors. I left him for other lovers, swore I would never marry such a pain in the ass. I also had no intention of spending the rest of my life in france.

But but I loved him nonetheless and he was relentless. So here we are 40 years later

Just to say that anything can happen.

Go for it and good luck !

[NoSugar]

Re: Newbies Nest

I've been thinking about a question that Kensho posed a couple of days ago: "Who am I without al?" I think this is a very individual question in the sense that some of us have well-developed "selves" under the layers that al builds up over the years, and answering this Q is a matter of pulling those layers off and exposing that true self. For others of us, we may find that "who we are" has not fully developed yet because al got in the way, so quitting al means a whole lot of work to develop a sense of self, methods of coping with various emotions and challenges, ways of being social, etc.

I found (and am still finding) that I am a combo of those two versions - some parts of me are well-developed, and others were a blank canvas that never got painted because I started drinking in my early teens. I've read or heard that substance abuse tends to halt certain aspects of emotional development and that quitting those substances means we're starting at whatever developmental age we were when the abuse began. I think for me this has been fairly true - intellectually I continued to develop and learn as I moved into adulthood, but when I first quit drinking I had a lot of work to do on developing skills and methods for coping, self-soothing, and other aspects of navigating the sometimes complex emotional side of life. I really had very few skills - I'd always just turned to a drink or four to cope, soothe, celebrate whatever.

That has been scary at times, and certainly a lot of work, but it had to be done in order for me to succeed with my quit. It took active self-reflection, introspection, and then seeking and practicing lots of other methods to find the ones that work best for me. Exercise, nature, music - those are three solid go-to's that I turn to regularly. Playing the tape forward, seeing al as a liar and a poison, urge-surfing, letting other people own their own sh*t (rather than drinking at them), and just plain letting myself feel difficult emotions sometimes - those all have places in my tool belt as well.

It's good to revisit our tool kits on occasion to make sure everything is still in order and in its place so we can grab what we need at a moment's notice. Take care of your tools, practice with them as regularly as needed, not just during crises. They are your friends, and we here in the nest are each other's friends.

Al is definitely not our friend, no matter which disguise it tries to wear.

Happy weekends to everyone passing through or hanging out in the nest today. Do something today to maintain your tool kit, even if you don't think you're gonna need it anytime soon!

This insightful post would be a fabulous addition to the MWO toolbox, Wags. Thanks for taking the time to share these important and helpful thoughts. Enjoy your day off! xx, NS

[Lavande]

Re: Newbies Nest

Good evening Nesters,

Pretty damp around these parts so y cookout turned into a cook-in, no big deal

G, I'd say just go with no expectations because we really can't control things anyway. Then just see what happens
Enjoy your jungle adventure, keep your eyes open for wild & strange looking jungle things.

Wags, I remember wondering who the hell I was going to be as a non-smoking, non-drinking adult too - talk about new territory. Turns out that we can re-invent ourselves into anything we chose. There's nothing or no one putting restrictions on us but us, right?
I hope you completely enjoyed your day off!

Pav, I'm not good at haggling either but this car dealership is not pushy at all. We have purchased (as a family) 5 or 6 cars there now so it's really pretty easy!

Slo, you are doing great. Try to just focus on today & don't worry about future situations. I found those situations to be a lot easier to handle than I imagined.

Hello to mywayin, NS & everyone!
Wishing a safe night in the nest for all of us.

Lav

[Guitarista]

Re: Newbies Nest

Guitarista, maybe she just doesnÂ’t want to get her heart broken by having it end, but she still wants to spend time with you since she likes you.

Thanks Slo. Makes sense.

G-dude - You're almost off to the Amazon and then back to Santiago. My guess that your she-friend in Chile is in a similar place as you - knowing there is some chemistry there but not wanting to get her hopes up and not wanting to get hurt either. Many women talk with their friends about relationships and such, so she's probably been getting an earful (several different earfuls actually) from various friends who may or may not have her best interests in mind. If they are jealous for example, they might try to steer her away from you. Not intentionally, but it happens. I guess my best advice is to do exactly what you're doing - go in with eyes wide open and see what happens. As you said, you'll never know unless you at least give it a whirl. Carry on friend, and know that we're all going to be thinking of you and wishing for the best - whatever that best turns out to be.

thanks Wags. Another great insight.

Hi, All:


G - My guess? She knows that you live in Oz and she lives in Chile - that sounds like an insurmountable distance through which to forge a relationship, no? She probably likes your company but doesn't want to go too far down the path because she knows it has to end? The question is - what do YOU hope to get out of it? Is what you want even possible given the distance? What is the alternative? Take care of yourself, but by all means, HAVE FUN!

Thanks Pav. Yep, big distance. The thing is, she wants to come to Oz end of year to study english for 2 years. Either way, if it ends up working, i would move to chile and teach english, or find a way if it's what we both want. I sure won't try to force an outcome. I'll let her lead the way. I think the best i can do is be cool, let her know i'm interested, and give her space. Sheesh, i dunno. We'll see if there's still a vibe there when i see her. It's there or it aint. It's a good challenge for me emotionally to negotiate these waters as tricky as they can be. Because if it's a no go, then i will have to deal with my response to that reality.

G-man,

My husband and I dated off and on for 7 years before getting married.

During those years I really played hard-to-get. I was successful, pretty and had plenty of suitors. I left him for other lovers, swore I would never marry such a pain in the ass. I also had no intention of spending the rest of my life in france.

But but I loved him nonetheless and he was relentless. So here we are 40 years later

Just to say that anything can happen.

Go for it and good luck !

Thanks My way. I love that. He's a lucky fella!

G, I'd say just go with no expectations because we really can't control things anyway. Then just see what happens
Enjoy your jungle adventure, keep your eyes open for wild & strange looking jungle things.

Thanks Lav. Yep, that's my plan. It's the only way to go. No speculation, no expectations. It is what it is, and it's either a goer, or it's not. All will be revealed soon! lol.

I want to say a huge thanks to you all for taking the time out of your precious day to respond. You all put some thought into it because you give a damn about others. I appreciate you. The nest is an amzing and great joint. Thanks. :heartbeat:

Ok. Off to the jungle in a couple of hours. Internet connection might be patchy, so dont panic if i'm not in touch. Let's git it!

[Slo]

Re: Newbies Nest

I thought going out for brunch would be easy since it’s generally the AF meal of the day where we drink coffee & such. But no, the menu only offered alcoholic drinks, with a few juice options after that. So my daughter & her fiancé had alcoholic drinks, and I asked for an iced tea, which then gave my young daughter the idea to do that. Cuz the menu wasn’t going to help her! I’m glad I could set an example for her that we don’t have to drink alcohol with the first meal of the day.

I thought going to the movies would be easy since you just have popcorn & soda there. But no, it was a dinner theater with a full service bar. I was weakening badly, but in the end got a chocolate milkshake with my burger meal. That squelched the cravings, and was again glad to model to my teenage daughter that you donÂ’t need to drink alcohol in order to watch a movie at the cinemas.
So day 4 done!

[Byrdlady]

Re: Newbies Nest

Wags, as I was reading your thoughtful post, I was thinking just how true your words are. Arrested development for sure, when we become addicted. That was one of the more interesting parts of getting sober. It was growth from the inside out and my emotional age had to catch up to my chronological age. I was afraid I would be boring...and bored, but nothing could be further from the truth. Fear was keeping me trapped in addiction. I hate that it took an ultimatum from my hubs to finally quit, but that’s what it took. I love my husband more than AL, but I’d be lying if I said the choice was easy. Breaking the cycle of addiction is hard, but so worth it. There is NO life in AL.

G man, nothing can keep a man from the woman he loves, and vice versa....if it is meant to be, you will find a way to connect the dots. As they say in AA, ‘To thine own self be true’. You will know if it’s right.
Enjoying this day off, my head needed a break!
Byrdie

[Lavande]

Re: Newbies Nest

Good evening Nesters,

We had a fairly damp Memorial Day around here but not a total washout. I feel blessed we didn't get the floods that we were warned to look out for, geez.

G, I hope your jungle trip is fun, safe & awesome

Slo, Congrats on 4 AF days, yay! You'll be at one week in no time.
I agree, we have AL stuck in our faces every where we go these days but I promise you will learn to ignore it just like the rest of us. It definitely gets easier!!

Byrdie, we are all grown up & caught up now so what should we do next? I may be of retirement age but I still enjoy learning new things

Wishing everyone a safe & comfy night in the nest!

Lav

[Pavati]

Re: Newbies Nest

Hi, All:

I remember Memorial Day 5 years ago (6 months before I quit). I drank at a town party all day, and was up all night with anxiety, and feeling so awful. That was the beginning of the end for me for real. After that a period of intermittent abstinence followed by drinking. I am SO very glad I don't ever have to feel like that again!

Wags - we must have cross posted - I didn't see yours until now. So true about having to learn all of those things we have been ignoring all these years. I agree with NS - that belongs in the tool box!

I had a great, productive, restful three-day weekend, doing house chores, and visiting with old friends. If you're lurking, today's a great day to quit drinking!

Pav

[KENSHO]

Re: Newbies Nest

Hi my feathered friends! I had a lovely weekend without alcohol. G, we even listened to the top-100 Beatles songs on the XM Beatles station! Go see your lady, have fun and enjoy her company. Respect her boundaries and don't be afraid to put yourself out there.

I have a major deadline I'm working on for tomorrow. I just have too much to get done, plain and simple. I either stay up all night (which I decided not to do), or I list my priorities and check off as much as possible. I've learned, just like with alcohol, that my life is worse when I don't sleep, so I'm going to try to do the latter.

I hope everyone has a strong day and just keep going!! I'm going to try to pull off a miracle now...

[Hypernova]

Re: Newbies Nest

Slo - rather than look what you won't get, try looking at what you WILL get from quitting drinking. The attitude of gratitude is actually proven to increase the feeling of well-being. Pav

Hey Pav and everyone. Can't help but sharing this quote I read over the weekend on gratitude. Gratitude is not only the greatest of virtues, but the parent of all the others. Marcus Tullius Cicero
Many others on gratitude here: just scroll down.
: Gratitude is not only the greatest of virtues, but the parent of all the others. - Marcus Tullius Cicero - BrainyQuote

[available]

Re: Newbies Nest

morning nesters

Sadly to say yesterday i had to put my rupey to sleep. The last week or two on making that decision have been heartbreaking. To wait for my daughter to come home and tell her i could not do anymore for our fur baby was heartbreaking but to keep her alive for us was selfish. i dont think i could cry anymore tears than what i have done over the last five days but i can. I am so lucky to have had the love and support of three of my children with me, it didnt make it any easier but she was sent off with so much love.

G, i hope it all works out for you with the lady and you get out of the jungle safe and sound.

Wags what a wonderful post. I know for me learning that drinking AT everything did not make it all better and time was a great healer.

I do know in the last 5 or so days that drinking didnt really cross my mind to deal with rupey, it crossed my mind fleetingly one day so that i could forget the decision i had to make but rupey deserved me whole, she dealt with a drunk years ago bless her so she did get the last years happy without drunk haircuts and lots of love.

take care x

[wagmor]

Re: Newbies Nest

[MENTION=16186]available[/MENTION] - Ava, so terribly sorry to hear about your sweet rupey. Even when you know it's the compassionate thing to do, it's heartbreaking to let a fur kid go. There's nothing quite like it, i think partly because of the special bond we develop, and partly because it often comes down to just such a decision. So glad you've got three of your children with you (or you did at the time). I hope you're able to find some comfort in your memories of happier times. You're not alone - lots of love and support here in the nest. Sending you hugs :hug:

[Hypernova]

Re: Newbies Nest

Oh boy. So sorry for the loss of your little friend. Sending you comforting thoughts. So sad to lose a family member, I am sorry.

[Byrdlady]

Re: Newbies Nest

Ava, what a tough piece of business. Im so sorry for your loss and I wish you strength in the challenging days ahead. Grief comes in waves and it sucks. Wish ai could give you a hug in person.

Slo, great job on 4 days, hang in there for you one week prize from the nest!
MindPeace to all, Byrdie

[Guitarista]

Re: Newbies Nest

Sorry for your loss Ava. Take care of yourself.

I'n in the middle of the Amazon jungle. It's hot. I'm staying at an 'eco lodge' run by a family for the last 20-30 years who own roughly 20 square kilometres of land/jungle. There idea is to preserve it. it's a relly cool joint, very open with a small beach for swimming. Swimming?! Wait a minute Hans (our tour guide originally from Austria/top bloke). You mean to tell me it's safe to swim here, but pirahna's might be around? 'That's correct G man, but you dont get many in open water like this'. Not to mention this is gator country. then he went on to tell me about the 'bushmaster'. The most deadly snake in the world. Going on 2-4 metres, and will leap at you if in the mood. They aim for your midsection so venom does it's job quicker than say an arm or leg bite. Great Hans, thanks buddy. Saw a pirahna close up today while we were fishing. Serious choppers, combined with apparently pit bull like jaw strength. They're not as small as i thought. An amazing lunch on the river today after a 4 hour trip by boat. Boat and plane are the only ways in or out of Manaus and the amazon. There is a road to Venezuela, but dodgy for a few reasons. next couple of days have some interesting stuff on. Tomorrow we go jungle trekking on foot and fishing for more pirahna later! :eek-new:

Take it easy out there. A group pulled out a couple of beers on the boat today and started cheering and carrying on a bit. I thought, oh no, not trapped on a boat with drunks, but they were normies and only had a couple then stopped. Though i note they did start at 10 a.m. including one of the guides and the boat operator. lol. We survived and things didn't get anywhere near out of hand. A cracking storm right overhead at the moment. Cool! Hot and steamy with an occassional cool breeze.

I'm taking all your advice on my chica friend in chile. I know i'm putting myself out there, but it might be worth it. I will respect her boundaries and let her lead the way. It's kind of exciting. Thinking back on her words and actions, she really liked me when i was there. As for me, i reckon she's a good one. Rare, funny, honest, and a bit of a livewire.
Thinking of you and family Ava.