Newbies Nest

[available]

Re: Newbies Nest

Evening nesters

A huge thank you for joining me in my 5 year party. This birthday has so much more meaning than my birthday birthday but with both, i am zooming along in leaps and bounds!

Truly grateful for everyone on this site, the newbies who used to be me, the in-betweeners who are learning but have the wisdom, and the oldies to where i have headed. Each give to me the determination to keep my sobriety in tact and to keep plodding along each and every day.

If i can get sober, then believe you can too, gather those tools and appreciate each and every day you wake up sober, even if its a bad day, be grateful to get through it without al, learn to love who you are warts and all and become really cranky with zero tolerance! (thats menopause not sobriety!)

Take care xx

[Rava]

Re: Newbies Nest

Good morning. Again happy 5 Years to AVA and PAV!! Awesome accomplishment. Welcome back Hypernova. I am on day 3 and still on the 30 day Alcohol experiment. It is giving me the tools that I need to help me understand what in the hell I’m doing to myself and my body. I have been a strong Rational Recovery supporter but found in my last relapse that it just wasn’t enough to keep me motivated. I am following the journals and listening to Annies videos and so far I am feeling strong and positive. I am gonna just keep on this path. No shame for the last 3 days. YAY for me!!! Hope everyone has a great Sunday.

[abcowboy]

Huge congrats [MENTION=20191]Pavati[/MENTION]!

[paulywogg]

Re: Newbies Nest

Happy 5 Years Sober Pav!!!! great work my friend! Hope you do something special for yourself today Raga,I like Rational Recovery too but I think it's important to keep up with it,kind of like a tune-up from time to time,I have 2 of his books that I should keep in plain site to read from here and there,waves to all and wishes for a splendid,sober Sunday for us all!

[wagmor]

Re: Newbies Nest

Happy 5 years PAV!!!

As I was writing congrats to Ava the other day I was thinking in the back of my mind - isn't Pav right around the same anniversary date???

Pav & Ava - so stinkin' proud of both of you! Thank you both for all you bring to the nest. You've not just saved your own lives, but I suspect you've had positive impacts on saving dozens (hundreds?) of others who are here now and/or who have passed through. Hugs to you both, sisters :heartbeat: Enjoy your well-earned celebrations :yay:

[wagmor]

Re: Newbies Nest

Slo - your story from dinner gave me pause. I could never in a billion years have sat there ignoring a drink for 10 mins OR nursed it along all through dinner. And honestly, I couldn't do it now either. That's actually a really good reality check. Not that I'm thinking about drinking, but sometimes I find it helpful to remind myself I'm still a disordered drinker and one of the best ways of doing that it realizing how differently I drank (or would still drink) compared to people who do not have a drinking problem.

Hypernova - good to see you and I hope you got that Day One under your belt. You have my heartfelt sympathies re what you're managing with your mom. :hug:


Hellos and waves to all stopping by the nest today or this eve. Make it a good one!

[NoSugar]

Re: Newbies Nest

Congratulations, Pav! Searching for your early posts was a trip down memory lane (Like me, you were pretty guarded and didn't live out loud in an easily findable thread like our buddy, Lunatic Linda :wink. It was humbling to see posts from long-gone people that were as lost and confused as we were, desperately wanting to find their way out of the hell of addiction. So many of them were regular posters for weeks, months, or even years. I'd like to believe that they are all off contentedly living sober lives but I'm afraid that odds are good that isn't the case for most of them.

There aren't too many people actively posting on MWO who have achieved 5 years of sobriety, showing those behind you how it can be done and reminding those ahead of you to stay true to living the life we want and deserve, no matter what challenges arise. Sometimes over the years when I felt like throwing in the towel and having a drink, I would think of you and the feeling of not wanting to let you down was stronger than the urge to drink. Thank you for being here and giving me that.

When I read these posts from you 5 years ago today, I thought you would be one of the ones to make it out. I'm so happy to have been right :hug:, NS

MAE Everyone--

I am back and licking my wounds on a miserable second day 1. I stepped away from MWO in a calculated way - I wanted to "moderate" one last time and didn't want to drag other newbies down with me. I guess it was one last "hurrah" that ended in a 5 day frenzy of drinking (and eating) like - well, like an alcoholic. No gentle swoon from the wagon - a full on cannonball into a vodka and beer filled swimming pool. It never occurred to me that I had that in me - I don't know where it came from.

I have never felt as anxious as I have over the last 24 hours (I can't all yesterday day 1 as I was drinking in the morning to try to feel better - so gross). I can't keep food down, having a hard time sleeping. Did I really do this to myself? I told my husband I feel like I have been poisoned - and I have.

When I left MWO I didn't even log back on to read how everyone is doing (I guess a clean break into the abyss is what I "needed", and just read two PMs that meant so much to me. I am strapping on the butt velcro and staying put in the nest. That is one rabbit hole I do NOT want to go down again.

Will read and post here today - I definitely need my fellow nestlings. Happy December 2.

Thanks for the warm welcome, LC. I did try the experiment and it predictably failed. I have read over and over how the attempts at moderation end up worse, but for some reason I was expecting myself to be different. I remember reading what happened to Broken Halo (where IS BH?) when she fell and thinking - wow, but that wouldn't happen to me. Well, it did.

Part one of the plan is to write down how I feel right now. I have never been this anxious in my life - and I am someone prone to anxiety. I have the GSR brothers in full force, punching me in the gut, making me cry off and on, taunting me for being such a bad mother. I feel chilled to my bones and exhausted but I can't sleep. I am missing work with a hangover (I'm pretty sure I have never done that before - at least not in my current career (although maybe some mornings I should have)). My heart pounds from time to time. I missed two of my son's basketball games. I appeared drunk in a bar where there were many people I hadn't seen in a long time - visibly drunk so that someone asked my sister if I was driving (thank goodness, no). I ate dinner rolls and stuffing in spite of an allergy to wheat (can't be helping the stomach thing). I had a long conversation with a good friend about troubles she's having with her daughter and was so hungover I can barely remember it. I drank a beer to feel better that day, too.

I remember when I joined the first time and I had the newbie fear of not drinking again. Now I have the fear of ever drinking again - I love myself and my family too much to subject them to that. I will spend today making more of a plan.

About 8 years ago I was out with some work friends at a bar at the beginning of December, one of whom was alcoholic and was visibly drunk. We tried to not let her drive her motorcycle home, but she did - and she killed herself in an accident. I have so much guilt from that still, and I think that part of my plan has to be to try to deal with that, as well as some other ghosts in my closet. I have been in therapy and it has helped, but I have not even been honest with her about the extent of my drinking - I will come clean now (I have an appt. tomorrow).

Sorry for the rant and thanks for listening. I am miserable but I can see the light at the end of the tunnel now that I have let some of that out. Onward and upward.

Byrdie and Overit - wow, you are right. I was panic drinking. I still don't know what hit me. Very scary, actually.

DTD - I get what you're saying about a failed experiment. That's why I stepped away from MWO for a trial. I read a lot about institutional change and one of the recurring themes is that people often have to experience things rather than being told. The good news is that when you "experience" things around here, there is forgiveness. I do appreciate the tough love that Lav, Byrdie and the other long-timers dole out, however. I can't remember if I thought it or wrote it here, but like parenting, we want love and understanding, but also guidance about how to avoid the same mistakes twice.

Gratitude and forgiveness are big - a lot of work. It is funny that how I get further into exploring the AF life I learn what the sayings really mean. One day at a time hit home before, and today I am thinking about acceptance. It is so much easier to accept living an AF life than to fight it all of the time, living life bruised and battered, or running scared. I hope I can feel this feeling of acceptance even when this, the worst hangover of my life, is over. I am with you, Overit, I am longing for this day to be over so I can go to sleep. I'll be back here, though, as it is only 2pm in California.

[Pavati]

Re: Newbies Nest

Hi, Everyone--

Good to see you Loamers check in here - that thread was a life saver. I hope all of you are well.

Wow, NoSugar! You pulled up some doozies. I so accurately conjured that feeling I had 5 years ago that I am now crying. Oh, what an awful feeling I had that day. You can read in my writing, however, that I had accepted I couldn't drink. That fear I had of not drinking or drinking. I pretty accurately described my hell from that day. But I can also see that I finally, finally accepted that I couldn't drink. From then on, this has actually been a fairly straight forward trip. It hasn't been easy, but it has been simple. No matter what I did, alcohol wasn't a choice. Stress? Celebration? Social anxiety? Relaxation? I had to learn new ways of getting through it all. I am so grateful for the love and support I have found here - from those in front of me, and those newer in the journey. As Narilly says, that choice is off the table.

Special shout out to my quit buddy, Ava, and to Byrdie and NoSugar who were the secret Private Messages I received 5 years ago. And all of you who have been here to give me advice, tough love, humor and ideas. And now I am bawling. THANK YOU FROM THE BOTTOM OF MY HEART. You all are the best.

xo
Pav

[NoSugar]

Re: Newbies Nest

[MENTION=20191]Pavati[/MENTION], I think this is the POWER we all have and that you and everyone else who has managed to quit taps into:

I had accepted I couldn't drink.

It may sound like surrender but it really is the source of our gaining CONTROL over our lives. xx, NS

[Hypernova]

Re: Newbies Nest

Halfway through a very tough day at work. Surrounded by booze and boozing people celebrating the holidays. I will not drink today. Looking forward to tomorrow. I’ll be 2 days under my belt after today and am off for 2. Usually after 4 days AF it becomes much more easy to not be tempted. I know that I must keep myself strong and vigilant for this is a fight and I want to win this one. No excuses.

[available]

Re: Newbies Nest

morning nesters

Pav, a big hug and lots of love from across the miles. They say having someone to be accountable for on this journey is a must and you have been my main accountability. I had let enough people down through the years in the nest and like you, i just could not drink another drop again. Felt it in my bones as my mother would say! I still feel it in my bones that i am one drink away from that life and i am still accountable to you. Today i wear a necklace in honour of our 5 years and those who have helped me get to here. I hope you have the best 5th birthday and enjoy the life you have given yourself. xxxxx

Jane so lovely of you to pop in and say congratulations, another loamer with great sober time.

Hyper, day 2 and stay on here, be accountable each day, xmas festivities are hard, so many celebrations, so much alcohol and so much unhappiness. Be one of the happy ones!

NS you are a gem, i have always wanted to scroll and look at old posts to see the changes but i am too impatient and then i get lost reading past posts from others and wonder what their lives are like now.

Slo, i was a slammer, still am with any drink. need to get it down my throat! I was out the other night and people are sipping their wine, like who does that and who leaves wine! We are a different breed.

Today i am sitting outside listening to the birds and enjoying the serenity with a cup of tea. no work till Wednesday and that suits me just fine. Will i check my work emails or wont i? mmm i think i will read my book and enjoy the day.

take care xx

[Lavande]

Re: Newbies Nest

Good evening Nesters,

Wonderful to see so many checking in today.
That's how we do this by staying involved, even if it's only a minute or two each day.

Pav, today is your big day, CONGRATS to you, I am so happy for you!
Life is still tough but much, much better, don't you think? We all deserve the health & happiness of an AF life

Jane, nice to see you! Hope you are well.

Hypernova, glad to hear you have 2 days now, stay strong & stay with us.

Don't know if any of you remember our old friend Turnagain. I saw her posting on FB after the earthquake Friday & she's doing OK. Lots of damage up there in Alaska, sad.

Ava, enjoy that time off. Serenity & tea sound perfect

Wishing everyone a safe night in the nest!

Lav

[KENSHO]

Re: Newbies Nest

Hi Nesties! Time feels like it's flying and I have gotten out of the habit of a daily check in. I read posts but feel so behind that I don't post because I don't want to just talk about me.

PAV and AVA - sorry I’m late to your party… HUGE congratulations to your 5 years of better clarity, amazing leadership and a more authentic life! Thank you both for your consistent presence and wisdom. I really appreciate you both! I hope some serious celebrating has been happening - AVA, enjoy your days off to the max!!

NS, it always amazes me the transformation that takes place - visible through posts - when people get AF time under their belts. It's like re-born people emerge, who are self-kind, more mature, more authentic, happier, and more graceful about life.

RAVA, every day without alcohol is a gift for people like us. Great work on your 4 days!

Thanks SLO and WAGS for the reminder about disordered drinking. I never nursed anything either. Slama-bama for this girl.

HYPERNOVA, holidays are just the time to stay clear and begin our new lives without alcohol. Last year I quit for good in early December and I know others have done the same thing. You can do this!!!

I've been doing generally well. Last night we spent time with our friends who were our party friends. She is in a band in a small mountain town and we heard them. Everyone had a drink - and I wondered what it would be like to have it again. At one point, my husband said to me, "You know, you should maybe smoke some weed." I laughed. It's legal here. This morning, laying in bed, I asked him why he said that. He said he felt I would be happier if I had some way to just "let loose", and also that he missed me giggling and laughing and "letting go". I told him that I don't usually consider weed because I feel dumb and numb on it for one, and also that I am afraid of becoming addicted to it. I told him that I believed that many people thought I quit drinking because it's just unhealthy, and I'm a health nut. I reiterated two things:
1. I was addicted. Alcohol consumed me. I thought about it all the time, schemed to get it, lied for it, stole it at friends houses, drove with it and put it before him and the kids. It was a really unhealthy kind of hell I lived in - and I kept it private. It was not a choice for health as much as it was for sanity.
2. I didn't say, "I think I'll stop drinking" and casually just stop. I re-affirmed that it was REALLY hard - probably the hardest thing I've ever done, and I don't want to ever do it again.

I love the random little moments to drop big, important realities and this was one. I told him that I just had to find other ways to let go, but that weed was probably not the answer for me - and I think he got it.

Anyway, thank you all for being here! I know I am not immune to moments like last night and it only takes too little focus on sobriety for it to all come crashing down again.

[Slo]

Re: Newbies Nest

Dear Pavati, thank you for showing us how to do it, and that it can be done; that you can live a very full & active professional, social, & family life, with all the attendant pressures, while still maintaining sobriety. Or, as you would say, because of sobriety! — “I can have the life I want, or I can drink.”
I’m thankful for the Pav & Ava duo for your examples of how this gets done, one day at a time.

[Feebee]

Re: Newbies Nest

Finally got here. Difficult to navigate.