Newbies Nest

[Feebee]

Re: Newbies Nest

Actually not difficult,it’s just me.

[narilly]

Re: Newbies Nest

NS, what a great post. I loved reading Pav’s old posts and Ava’s too. We were all struggling to be sober back then and we have come so far. Just look at our lives, they are so much better. We are free from the struggle of trying to moderate. What a joke!
Pav, it is emotional going back to some of those memories, I have some pretty tough ones too. Thank goodness that is all behind us. :hug

Feebee, keep coming back and it will get easier to use the site

So I am unemployed again due to layoffs in the oil patch. It is good timing because I can enjoy my holidays and take care of my mom and mil. Also, I get to spend time with my kids and dogs which is great.

Hello Hyper, Ken,SLO, Rava, everyone.

Have a good one. Don’t drink today.

[lifechange]

Re: Newbies Nest

Morning Nesters,
It's been great to read all the posts over the weekend.. I'm really inspired by everyone here. Those with a lot of time, celebrating milestones, and those who are just beginning or coming back or struggling, refusing to give up, trying new measures, reaching out for support.
I've been struggling for quite a long time now. I stopped counting days at the beginning of the year because I was so frustrated with constantly failing.. I thought I could be a part of the community, give and receive support, that it would be easier without the stress of keeping track.. but I know that's b.s. in terms of long term sobriety.. I know continuity is what really counts..since then I've had weeks at a time without drinking, one time a month. So I am keeping track, just not publicly. At times it's all felt like too much, I feel like such a failure, one of those unfortunate ones who can't accept and find sobriety--then I block everything and focus on work or the girls or lose myself in Netflix. I always wake up and come back to wanting a life completely without alcohol. I just don't know how to get past a certain point. I do know it requires complete honesty.. and in not being 100% up front here, I'm not being honest with myself either. God, I don't know what to do. I do know. So, why don't I? I just have to post this before I chicken out. I didn't drink yesterday and I won't today.

[Rava]

Re: Newbies Nest

Good morning nesters. I had trouble logging on this morning is said the site was not secure? So I tried later and it worked. Thanks for talking about weed [MENTION=20476]KENSHO[/MENTION]. I was wondering if that would be a better substitute for alcohol. However I’m scared to try something in its place due to the addictive factor. UGH. [MENTION=15430]lifechange[/MENTION], your honesty is so courageous. For the last 8 months or so I have felt like a total failure. Sneaking and waking up sweating and shaking not to mention exhausted. I started listening to podcasts and liked Annie Grace. I joined the Alcohol Experiment and am on day 4. For me, it has given me the push I need to get serious. There are journals and videos each day and its all free. If you have not considered it, you may just want to check it out. Rational Recovery was the way I quit the first time but I needed more as this replapse was really causing me to spiral down. Thanks everyone for listening and encouraging me to keep trying and not give up. I feel 100% better than I did 5 days ago. There is hope in my heart again. <3

[Guitarista]

Re: Newbies Nest

I read posts but feel so behind that I don't post because I don't want to just talk about me.

It's never stopped me Kensho! :congratulatory:

Congrat's again to youse Ava and Pav! Thanks for sticking around. :heartbeat:

I think it's a good idea to approach other drugs with caution. If our inhibitions are loosened, then i know for me, i'm closer to saying F it, let's have a drink.

Big waves to all. Hiya Hyper!

[NoSugar]

Re: Newbies Nest

I loved reading Pav’s old posts and Ava’s too. We were all struggling to be sober back then and we have come so far. Just look at our lives, they are so much better. We are free from the struggle of trying to moderate. What a joke!

Hmmm... wonder what I can dig up from YOU in the next couple months??? maybe the one where you were pretty mad at me :haha:!

[NoSugar]

Re: Newbies Nest

I just don't know how to get past a certain point. I do know it requires complete honesty.. and in not being 100% up front here, I'm not being honest with myself either. God, I don't know what to do. I do know. So, why don't I? I just have to post this before I chicken out. I didn't drink yesterday and I won't today.

As long as you are willing to keep trying, LC, there is always hope :hug:.

You ask how to get past a certain point. I wrote yesterday that I think the power to quit comes when deep-down, you fully accept that because you cannot drink moderately/responsibly, you cannot drink. Everything else just flows from that because no matter what happens, drinking cannot be the answer. This means there will be some uncomfortable, awkward, maybe downright miserable times but you'll just have to slog your way through them because you can't drink. You have to figure out something else. To make it a less miserable experience, it helps to engage here, notice what is better about your life when you don't drink and be grateful, help someone else, reward yourself - use every tool available to you.

And yes, I agree that complete honesty is required. You've written before that this is a problem for you and that you don't like yourself when you don't tell the truth. The lying to myself and others, more than any of the physical or financial fall-outs from addiction, was my final straw. I don't think a person can be happy or content if they are living in a way contrary to how they consider a "good person" to live. Sometimes when a drink seems like a good idea, I think of some of my role models here and imagine what they would do in my situation. And then I do that.

This is a one-day-at-a-time sort of thing, and I've seen your posts in the 24-h thread. I think that is a great tool (and a fabulous bunch of people post there). BUT - if you truly want to be free of alcohol, you need to take it a moment at at time within the apparently contradictory context of never drinking again. I actually don't find these things to be mutually exclusive. I have many long term goals that can only be accomplished in increments.

Here's a trivial example: I was making a very long scarf using small needles in yarns that I love (alpaca, fave colors). I didn't want to make any mistakes or end up with the wrong length because I ran out of the $$$ yarn. So, I carefully worked out the gauge, did the math, and began the project, knowing it would take months and months to finish (actually, over a year!). That was ok with me because my main goal was to eventually wear this lush scarf. When I was on each color, I got tired of it after a few rows and just wanted to be to the next color, which was many rows away. But the only way to get there was one row at a time - some were easy while other times I was sorely tempted to switch to larger needles and move this thing along. A couple times I thought I would just give up on it. It was too hard and too slow and the small needles were hard to work with and I decided I actually hated the colors and... and... and... There always are excuses for giving up a challenging goal.

I actually have it on today, as I type, and am so glad that I stuck with it. It is a soft, warm hug around my neck on a chilly day. All the rows, like all the AF moments and days, added up to what I really want - the struggle and time were worth it.

[narilly]

Re: Newbies Nest

NS, haha, I was mad at you, lol...but then I was grateful to you. You really helped me to get my shi_ together and get serious about being sober. I have needed you numerous times over the years and you have always been there for me. Thank you
You are hilarious!

Life, I am so glad you posted. It really helped me to focus on one day at a time. Just don’t drink today, if you can get through today that is what counts. Every time you quit it makes a difference, eventually you will figure it out. Persistence not perfection is what we are looking for. Keep after it Life! YOU can do it xo.

So I am off work right now and I am going to clean up my house and get rid of some clutter. I think I need to keep myself busy because I am having some drinking thoughts and I know it is ‘Off the Table’ right Pav?

GMan, Ken, ya, if I don’t post for awhile it does get overwhelming but it is important to keep coming back. So everyone, keep coming back!

Hello Byrdie, SLO, Lav, Fee, Rava,Hyper, everyone.

Don’t drink today.

[available]

Re: Newbies Nest

Morning nesters

Well im still enjoying the lovely countryside and quietness that goes with it. The lounge is my favourite place, lots of reading and napping and not thinking.

LC, as NS says you have to just realise that not drinking is a way better life than drinking, i dont like the term surrender but it is apt in its way. I had to surrender myself and realise that i could not drink again, i had to start realising that i was a good person even though i didnt think so and i had to learn to live again and love myself. I knew this was not going to happen in a few months, god i was drinking for ten years heavily so i figured if it took me ten years to recover then so be it. I did this to myself and it was only me and me alone (with support from fam and here) that could give me the life i deserved and wanted. Today, looking back at the 5 years i have sober, i never ever want to drink again, i am happy and content with my life. Give yourself a chance, you are a beautiful person inside and out, we all are, we just have a tiny flaw that makes us even more unique. I am still unique, that flaw is still in me and always will be but i accept that now, i cant change it, god i have tried and failed many a time. For me, it took a year of hard work and dedication before i felt i had a grasp on this sobriety business and each day, even now i am accountable. We can run from others but we cannot hide from ourselves! You can do this LC but use this site as your main tool, i still remember lunatic Linda, how the heck everyone who logged on didnt block me after a multitude of posts is beyond me but here was my outlet, here was my safety, here everyone "got" me.

NS, i love the knitting story, i am doing the same thing with a jumper i started, still havent finished the sleeve, i want too but i think this is going to be too hard. thanks for the motivation to start it again.... but it is summer! I cannot believe that NAR was every mad at you!

Nar, enjoy that time off, sometimes i wish i was retrenched but living on fresh air is not easily done.

Kensho, sometimes i dont think i am fun anymore but my care factor is zero. i dont need to be laughing to be enjoying myself, i like to just sit back and take it all in. I used to be a huge pot smoker but it really aggravated my anxiety so i stopped, now it holds no appeal. Not long till your year birthday now.

Well i had better start packing, i may even return here during the xmas break. its great feeling human for the moment.

take care xx

[Byrdlady]

Re: Newbies Nest

Good evening, all. Great posts from all.
LifeChange, I was talking to Pav yesterday and congratulating her on her accomplishment. I mentioned how wonderful it is to live an authentic life. When I was drinking, in any amount, I wasn’t doing that. AA has a mantra, to thine own self be true. That means a lot to me. As Ava just said, I don’t have to be entertaining for someone else any,ore, as long as I’m happy, that is the mission. For me, I had to make a very difficult choice, I chose LIFE.
When we think back to the REALLY important times in our lives, it’s the PEOPLE and places we remember, not what’s in our glass. I wish I could tell you that it’s an easy path, but sometimes it’s really HARD. Anything in life worth having is hard, I find. I can tell you that freedom from addiction is worth it. Fight for your life, fight for your way out. I know you can do it. As NS so eloquently said, it is a series of small choices. Rinse and repeat.
G man, I’ve often said to myself, the only way I would drink is if I were drunk. Like you, I fear that getting impaired by anything will take my defenses down. Nothing is worth another day 1 for me. I have worked too hard! We all have!
Hugs to all, hope everyone has an easy evening. Byrdie

[Lavande]

Re: Newbies Nest

Good evening Nesters,

Watching one of my grandsons this evening which reminds me...…..wanting to spend quality time with my grandkids was my primary motivation for quitting LC. My second & just as important reason was wanting to feel proud of myself once again. I had lost that feeling in a 10 year alcohol binge trying to self medicate my depression/anxiety away.
I knew it was dumb to continue suffering & just didn't know how to quit for good. That's when I found MWO & learned about surrendering, needing a plan & working to improve my feelings about myself. Honestly, you can do this if it's what you truly want. We are here for you always :hug:

NS, the one step at a time thinking really has gotten us to where we are.
When I decided to quit for good I wanted it to be 'done yesterday' - typical type A, huh? Ha ha. Learning how to be patient with myself was a tall order. It what we all have to do

Kensho, as far as pot goes, I'll be honest - I thought the stuff messed too much with my memory when I was 20 years old. I can't even imagine what it would do to me now.
I'm a fan of good brain health - seriously! I really don't give a rat's a$$ what people think about me anymore. There are blessings of age

Hello to all & wishing everyone a safe night in the nest!

Lav

[Slo]

Re: Newbies Nest

Such rich posts today and yesterday!

Welcome back, Hypernova! Good job on getting your day 3. Dementia is just awful, and it is also very draining to be a caregiver for someone with it. I feel for you on that one.

I’m sorry that you’ve been struggling, Lifechange. I hadn’t realized. You and Hypernova are both in a tough business working in restaurants, with high pressure and the constant exposure to endless alcohol in them. It can’t be easy. But I’ll bet you’ve still made a lot of progress, with more sober time than you used to have. Just keep doing the best you can; it’s all you can do. I hope you can get to total sobriety, so you don’t keep kindling yourself.

Lav, so true that when we decide to quit we want it to be done “yesterday”, but instead it’s a slow process of one day at a time, and we have to be patient with ourselves as we heal and adapt.

Kensho, so brave of you to still hang out with drinking friends that you used to drink with, and yet then get slammed with being told by your husband that you need to “cut loose” - he’s not being very supportive! I hope he understands better now. I miss it too, not being able to relax with alcohol in social situations and get all giggly. But, we simply can’t drink as it’s a matter of life or death, and it’s better to be authentic rather than drugged anyways. I want to become like the strong ones here in the nest who just don’t care anymore what “they” think!

Thank you all for your thoughtful posts.

[KENSHO]

Re: Newbies Nest

Hi Everyone. Such thoughtful posts is right SLO. You is good people. I don’t think my husband was commenting on my actual happiness level, rather his own love for getting a buzz. He can’t imagine life without it and wish I’d share it with him. Well, I won’t. He’s still married to me though!

LC, I appreciate your raw and honest words. I remember where I was last fall. I kept trying to incorporate alcohol in my life., kept hoping I could just temper my tendencies and find a way to ignore that I was troubled by my relationship with alcohol. I kept trying and one day I realized that drinking would never be different for me. It would always be a big brainfuck that I couldn’t control, or if I could, I would always obsess about it. Honestly, I was tired of thinking about drinking all the time. I realized the only way to be free from that was to just stop. I’ve found substitutes for alcohol and they are healthier and for the most part they work just as well. I had to get used to a more natural pace in life instead of the “take on impossible, red line it then get the alcohol rush”... but I appreciate a more even, balanced life now. The point is that I gave up on alcohol giving me the life I want. Is alcohol giving you the life you want? Are you tired of the effort it takes to “maintain” this problem you came here for? Let me tell you, when you quit for good, you will love the space and peace you unlock in your life. Anyway, I’m a big fan of yours. Keep the faith my friend. And reach for the life you deserve :heartbeat:

[lifechange]

Re: Newbies Nest

Hi Nesters,

Reading your words of love and support this morning brought me to tears. I drank last night again and I feel like I'm in hell, I feel so lonely. I have the worst headache ever and can't stop crying and have to go to work in 30 minutes. It's true that I can't run from myself. I can't lie to myself. I know the truth and I have to live with whatever that truth is. I'm in a space right now that I don't want to be in anymore. I'm really, really, really tired, exhausted with trying to "maintain" this problem I came here for. I'm so sad. But I won't give up. I will read through your posts again this afternoon because you really all do have what I want. I though that, reading them just now. F*** I want that. I want peace of mind and freedom. I so want to be done with this terrible pain. I can be Lunatic Lauren. I want it so badly. Today I just have to slog through though because I feel really down. Thank you for continuing to try and help me. I can't tell you how much that means.. you all know how much that means.

[Guitarista]

Re: Newbies Nest

Hi LC. Just get through today good buddy. I hope you have an easy one. You'll feel better in a couple of days when the booze is out of your system, then you can really start to raawk again as the real you.