Newbies Nest

[Byrdlady]

Re: Newbies Nest

Kensho, great sweater, I hope he didn't wear it in the rain, that could be shocking! ZAP! Cute as can be!
Wags, I hope you feel better, I'm the worst patient in the world, you are being very ADULT about it!
Work has been steady today, which is nice. I had lunch with a former customer of mine. She lost her hubs back in March and is trying to find her footing now that she is navigating life single. My heart goes out to her, she's staying busy, so that is the best medicine when trying to keep your mind off your troubles. Makes me very grateful for the wonderful life I have. Hugs to all, Byrdie

[narilly]

Re: Newbies Nest

Lav, that is really hard with your kids. I know a few siblings that don’t talk anymore. This almost happened to me and my brother. Sibling relationships are so complicated, ugh. I hope they can work it out and find some forgiveness.

Be kind everyone and don’t drink.

xo

[Slo]

Re: Newbies Nest

Good evening, all!

Pav, I like what you said about saying you hoped you wouldn’t drink too much when going out one night in your 20s, and the other person said, “Well, just don’t!” Come to think of it, I wasn’t always fully in control either even in my 20s, and would want more & more when out drinking. I guess it was a sign of things to come.

Lav, even your DIL is coming around again, so you’d think your kids could quit fighting about her now; at least for your sake or for the sake of the kids/cousins. Good idea to ask for a family gathering for your birthday. Enough is enough!

Kensho, I admire how strong & insightful & compassionate you are with your husband; recognizing that he is the one with a problem and not you! My husband never learned how to communicate with a spouse either. He immediately gets all hot-headed, yelling, and commanding, turns things on me in a negative way if I try to speak up, and shuts down communication. Just like his dad. My SIL just couldn’t believe it, and divorced his brother over the same behavior. HB has been improving under new influences. I guess he can’t help what was role-modeled to him.
Cool sweater! Can’t believe it even lights up.

It’s much easier to have an empty calendar when you’re trying to re-gain your footing, LC. Congrats on being recognized for your dedicated work at your workplace!

Wags, I went to bed early and slept the sleep of the dead until 8:30a once last week when I didn’t have to get my daughter up for school that day, and it made a world of difference. Nipped my cold in the bud and everything. Hope you feel better soon.

Byrdie, I bet you made that woman’s day during a very tough time by listening to her and lunching with her.

G, that is so impressive about the music gigs that you put on! Harder to do sober, but then you make better music.

HB has stocked up a large supply of wine, beer, & hard cider here for our Christmas Day gathering. I guess it really is getting close...

[Lavande]

Re: Newbies Nest

Good evening Nesters,

No rain today, yay! Even saw a few peeks of sunshine
I have been busy all day, can't believe it's almost bedtime, ha ha!!

LC, Congrats on your 14 AF days, keep going friend!

G, getting close to 100, woo hoo!!!!

Kensho, I have been married for 45 years. Believe it or not I still have a hard time having a productive conversation with him. I basically have given up, he will not drive me to madness again. Some people just never learn the skill, refuse to learn newer & better ways to approach things. I know it's not easy but maybe you should just go about your business & assume he will follow your lead. That's pretty much what I do :hug:

My two kids were always OK with each other. It's the in-laws that caused the difficulties. My daughter really wants to make things normal again but my son has resisted by blocking her calls. I hope they figure it out.

Wishing everyone a safe night in the nest!

Lav

[lifechange]

Re: Newbies Nest

I drank again last night and feel like death and have to go to work. I wish so much that I could take it back. That I had come here and stayed here. I'm writing this quickly before I change my mind and try to just go on as if nothing happened. I'm so sad that I keep hurting myself.

[STEADFAST]

Re: Newbies Nest

I drank again last night and feel like death and have to go to work. I wish so much that I could take it back. That I had come here and stayed here. I'm writing this quickly before I change my mind and try to just go on as if nothing happened. I'm so sad that I keep hurting myself.

:hug:

[available]

Re: Newbies Nest

Evening nesters

Lovely jumper Kensho, wish i thought of that and wore something like it to work, maybe next xmas, can you take off the pieces and put other ones on each year or buy a new jumper?

Lav, its sad when the siblings dont talk to each other. my eldest two talk but dont really see eye to eye. as i said to them, they can hate each other when i am dead but until that time they will be nice. seems to work.

LC im sad you keep hurting yourself also. As we all know only we make the choice to drink and the choice not too, dont give that al voice permission to win, that flows out on paper so easily and only us alkies know how hard it is, the fight we have within ourselves until we win or al does. i tell everyone that giving up al was the hardest thing i had ever done. Maybe you need to rethink what you are doing and make another plan. why did you drink? A few of us on here hibernated for 3 months and even now say no to invitations etc as our sobriety is our 100% priority, i went shopping at 7am as the bottleshops werent open. i always left my keycard at home so i could not buy al if i went out, if i needed to get something from the shops, i sent the kids. that world outside was a scary place and until i started healing i didnt want to face it. 3+ months is nothing compared to the life i have now. As you say "i wish i could take it back", this is why i will never drink again, i dont want those thoughts as you dont. i was never an accepter that i could not drink again, mine was done day by day, dragging a grateful out of me in the first 6 months was near impossible, i was deprived, angry, sad and extremely unhappy and had no qualms about letting others know. the only task i had to complete fully each day was to not drink, feck the rest of life. Slowly slowly i started to heal. I wanted to be better straight away, i wanted what normal people had but im not normal, i am determined though as you are also.

Today was day 2 of my holidays and damn i did nothing, a guilty pleasure though no real guilt. i am binge watching "travellers" and love it. quite enjoying my boring life atm, maybe tomorrow i will do something.

take care xx

[STEADFAST]

Re: Newbies Nest

A great post as always from Ava. LC, it's great that you've posted now; I can't add much to what Ava has said, just go easy on yourself.

[Guitarista]

Re: Newbies Nest

I drank again last night and feel like death and have to go to work. I wish so much that I could take it back. That I had come here and stayed here. I'm writing this quickly before I change my mind and try to just go on as if nothing happened. I'm so sad that I keep hurting myself.

LC. Keep safe and stay connected. :hug:

[lifechange]

Re: Newbies Nest

Hi Nesters,
I have to write this out for myself, so please feel free to skip over it.. I can barely stand to hear myself.. I'd more like to crawl into a cave for a month, but I can't.
I made myself so sick that I had to come home from work. My main co-worker knows that I don't drink because I came out to her last year about my problem... so she thinks I have such a bad headache because of hormones. As soon as I drink I lie. I know this.. I didn't have to lie the past 2 weeks so I know that it isn't me, instrinsically, at least lying to others. To myself is a different story, obviously. Yesterday after work I went to return something.. I left the house without water and as I was riding away thought I should go back to get some.. I was also so tired that I knew it would be better to stay at home and rest, but I felt the pressure to get this done. At the shop I picked up a wine bottle and put it down again and thought, this is a bad sign, something to pay attention to.. again, I should have come straight home. But I went to the grocery store to look at some socks.. and I already had the intention of buying wine. So I bought a bottle of wine and a ton of ripe bananas that were on sale... "That" middle aged woman. Then I went to another shop on my way home and bought a beer.. I completely blocked my 14 days and the memory of how sick I was last time I drank. I didn't really have a craving or discomfort to deal with because I blocked everything out. I didn't come here, which I deeply regret.. because I would have surely dumped it out after reading Kensho's post. In the middle of the night (thank god the girls aren't here) I got up to get a headache pill, which I didn't have, and I sat down on the edge of the tub because I was dizzy, and fell in backwards.. I blacked out sitting there. Then I went into my daughter's room and opened the window and as I was walking back to the bed, I ran into the door and fell over. I paid 7 euros to poison myself. My body can't take any more alcohol, she's trying to tell me that, loudly and clearly and I keep ignoring the truth. I keep pouring alcohol into myself.. I could have so easily poured it down the drain instead.. a friend of mine, who I haven't told, called last night and she said, "you sound really weird. I'm worried about you..you sound like you're drunk".. I don't know how the conversation ended, but I was wasted at 730pm and went to bed shortly after.
I know that all I have to do is not drink but I don't know how to do that. I "know" but I don't do it. That mindset shift, I feel like I have it at some point and then I ignore it.. I go back on the promises I make myself. To come here BEFORE drinking. It's like I don't want to get better. I've been on this same hamster wheel for more than 7 years. I remember when I first signed on here, I chose my user name because that's what I wanted, to change my life.. and I've made some changes but the thing I want the most seems to be too hard for me to get. I feel like such an idiot for not getting it! There's an aa meeting at 12 that I'm going to go to. There are so many things I don't like about aa, but I feel quite desperate. It's a speaker meeting so it's not focussed on the book. And I'm going to sign up for the Annie Grace 30 day course again.. last time I ended up drinking but I remember it was still helpful. ughhh. I wish I didn't have to write all of this.

[lifechange]

Re: Newbies Nest

X-post. Thank you.

[lifechange]

Re: Newbies Nest

Yes, Ava. I was thinking that I wasn't taking my sobriety seriously enough. I did just want to be done with it. I wasn't going to the extremes I need to go to to keep myself safe. Sometimes I feel guilty for putting myself first, yet again.. when it hasn't amounted to anything. I know that it's more selfish for me to drink though, for everyone involved, everyone whose lives are touched or run over by it. It's so hard to keep going back to step one.. but I've done it to myself.

[available]

Re: Newbies Nest

LC i made myself a priority, i had to, i had to stop helping others until i could help myself. Be selfish for six months, be selfish forever. Being selfish doesnt mean you still dont do what you want to do, being selfish means focusing on what you want, what makes you happy in life. I never understood that as i think us alkies are givers to cover our guilt and shame but also we are just nice people with an addiction. i am still a nice person but i wont be walked over anymore and only i allow what happens in my life as i now have control. Its not selfish to want to live and be happy, its not selfish to think of yourself (though some people go about that one totally arse about). You are a beautiful person inside and out even with al, you just need to allow yourself to be the person you know that is inside of you and not be scared of what grows from being sober.

[NoSugar]

Re: Newbies Nest

I feel your pain, [MENTION=15430]lifechange[/MENTION] - I'm pretty sure we all do because if we hadn't, there would have been no reason to join a stop drinking site. At some level I hated myself and I was constantly disappointed in myself but the worst was when I realized I really didn't care whether I lived or died.

The good news is, you never have to feel again as bad as you do right now. Nothing you felt yesterday was probably as awful as you feel now.

In my opinion, drinking should not be an option for you, no matter what.

Most of us convince ourselves that drinking alcohol isn't the same as drinking another poison. For one thing, so many people do it and for another, it's lethal effects generally are chronic rather than acute. And an addict is brilliant at ignoring future consequences.

I don't think you have that luxury anymore. You could have hit your head in those falls and been seriously injured or worse. You could have thrown up and asphyxiated. Alcohol can also be an acute toxin. You are taking a huge risk anytime you drink.

If you can't stop for yourself, for now you can do it for your daughters. Imagine them coming home and finding their mom dead in a pool of vomit or blood. I know this is really harsh and we generally don't speak this way to one another. I'm doing so now because I love and care about you and want you to live.

Thank you for coming back here right away and being honest. I really believe that telling the truth, especially to ourselves, is the key to freedom and loving yourself enough to stop for you. xx, NS

[Jude58]

Re: Newbies Nest

I drank again last night and feel like death and have to go to work. I wish so much that I could take it back. That I had come here and stayed here. I'm writing this quickly before I change my mind and try to just go on as if nothing happened. I'm so sad that I keep hurting myself.

I'm so sorry LC....thank you for coming back here. As you know, I too, have recently relapsed, and I truly understand what you are going through right now. The depression that I feel when I drink is crushing, and lasts far longer than after the last drop from the bottle is gone. How quickly we don those rose colored glasses, forgetting the consequences from out last encounter with alcohol. We long for that cocoon feeling of comfort and well being which often comes after that first drink.....then comes the aftermath, and the GSR brothers. Wouldn't it be nice if we had a memory stick that we could plug into out brain whenever the urge to drink comes calling? Unfortunately, that luxury doesn't exist, and we have to rely on whatever resources are available to us, and right here is a very good place to be. :angelpals: