Newbies Nest

[New Sunrise]

Re: Newbies Nest

Good Morning All,

Tough day yesterday! Not a lot for us to do but watch TV and wait for storms to pass. I guess it is that time of year here. Idle hands are an alcoholic's tough spot and I had hard time fight off cravings even with hubby home.

Life Change, I truly understand what you mean about the HALT. I was checking every box yesterday. I was hungry and tried so hard to eat right, but that becomes a losing proposition because I wind up eating sugar in some form just make the cravings go away. I kept dozing on the couch while watching TV because TV didn't hold my interest. Then son, kinda sorta contacted me, which made me hopping mad.

I do not have a great relationship with son. He has been dating a girl for 3 yrs that he met on Tinder, yes it gets worse from there. She is just an awful person and I just can't sugar coat it. He first dated her, didn't like her, tried breaking up with her 3 times and she stalked him so that he just caved and has pretty much become her lap dog. I know I sound so rotten but I have tried to find good qualities about her and just have a list of bad experiences with her. I could go on but I will not. Long, long story short he texted my daughter and her that he would call me this evening??? WTF? I have not talked with him in weeks and just left the whole thing alone hoping that he will come to his senses ,but he lets his sister know that he will call me. Why could he not just call me? IDK? I just have trouble with drama right now.

He did mention to daughter that he starts a new job today, another new job, he does not seem to keep one for more then a year or so. I am thinking that this job is near gf and he wants to break the news that they are going to live together, or worse, get married. Now I just have to wait on his time to find out what is going on and I am at the point that I really don't a rat's fanny about them. He has distanced himself so far from us now that I never even mentioned to him that I had surgery. This little fellow that I raised has now turned into a man that I don't even know.

I feel extremely selfish here, but I just want to work and make myself better and not get caught up in all the drama, he is a grown man and not my responsibility. I can't help but think about it and just want to turn my phone off for the day. It just sets me off and then I have to start fighting cravings. I do not do well under stress.

Boy.....Today is to be a nicer day around here, yay, and hubby is home, double yay, so I guess I will just concentrate on that. I can handle living in my own rose colored world a whole lot better then when life rears it's ugly head. Today will be a one hour at a time kind of day.

Sorry to be such a downer.

[paulywogg]

Re: Newbies Nest

Morning nesters,Lav,I'm sure his next surgery will go fine New Sunrise,ugh sounds like a stressful situation with your son,so hard the decisions our kids make and there's nothing we can do even though they're clearly wrong! Great job on getting past the cravings Nar,go for the certification why not,it'll be a good thing for you meant to say the other day that was really sad about your exes brother, amazing how we grew up with people and the ones who let addiction take over just look a mess! In my home town there's alot of people on meth,I dunno if they're just bored cuz it's such a small town or what but I've lost classmates I knew growing up cuz they overdose or kill themselves,it's hard to deal with people I knew in their youth dying in their 40's for such a small high school we went to there's sure been alot of deaths and I know I could've been one if I'd have kept drinking waves to everyone and wishes for a wonderful AF day!

[Slo]

Re: Newbies Nest

I feel extremely selfish here, but I just want to work and make myself better and not get caught up in all the drama, he is a grown man and not my responsibility. I can't help but think about it and just want to turn my phone off for the day. It just sets me off and then I have to start fighting cravings. I do not do well under stress.

I think you are setting good & accurate boundaries here by realizing that he is a grown man and not your responsibility, and by focusing on making yourself better and not getting caught up in the drama. That take on it will likely be the best for him as well. And I don’t think it’s selfish either.

Byrdie, hope you were able to nip your sore throat in the bud.

Puppy, good point you made that “the marketing of alcohol is getting more high pressure”. So it’s affecting all of us, even the normies. I guess in many other countries then alcohol advertising is banned on T.V. We’re bombarded with it here in the U.S.

Pauly, well there’s the depression that alcohol caused, and then there’s the depression & anxiety that made us want to drink in the first place, so...it doesn’t necessarily all go away when we stop drinking unfortunately.

Guitarista, I too think it’s best to learn to not rush into making a decision, and take the time to mull a bit until the answer about the best way to proceed becomes clear. And also, like you say, meeting someone halfway; considering our own needs too.

I was visiting my sister-in-law’s memorial bench & tree this weekend for the anniversary of her death, and got hit with the visceral memory of how hard it was to stay sober at her funeral party three years ago there at that park. I had about 45 days or so sober then, and it was so hard to socialize with all these people coming at me all at once from so many various times & avenues of my life, while in grief & confusion and surrounded by lots of wine & beer and drinking people. I lost my quit that evening after returning home.
It makes me happy that I have accrued much more contiguous time sober now, and so things like that will hopefully be much less likely to throw me off in the future if I continue on this path.

Thinking of you all on this rainy Monday!

[Pavati]

Re: Newbies Nest

Hi, All:

Sunrise - don't apologize - that's why we're here. One hour at a time is great, and what you need right now. I have played your nightmare over in my head - what if I don't like the partners my kids pick. I really, really don't like my sister's choice and it certainly has gotten in the way of our relationship, both because I don't want to see him, and also because I'm not a fan of who she is dating him. Great advice, Pauly, there's nothing to be done - I can't control other's actions, just my reactions. And Slo, yes, boundaries. Take good care of yourself, Sunrise, and set yourself up for success around booze. You deserve to stay sober.

G, I LOVE your take on decisions. I think that when I slow down and think through choices I am much better at setting the boundaries I need, and making sure I look out for myself. Otherwise I can say yes to whatever and then regret it later.

We had people over last night, and then realized it was Cinco de Mayo (as I mentioned). We made DELICIOUS tacos and had an extremely fun evening. With no booze for me - what a relief to have had a party and feel great the next day.

WHOOT. So happy to be sober!

Pav

[NoSugar]

Re: Newbies Nest

It makes me happy that I have accrued much more contiguous time sober now, and so things like that will hopefully be much less likely to throw me off in the future if I continue on this path.

I'm an editor, Slo, so I'm going to do a little work here :wink::

It makes me happy that I have accrued much more contiguous time sober now, and so things like that will hopefully be much less likely to throw me off in the future AS I continue on this path.

I can just about promise you it won't throw you off like it did. The more time AF, the crazier it seems to have ever been controlled by a poisonous beverage. I honestly cannot remember the last time I wanted to drink or felt left out and resentful. Other than having to decline offers, it just isn't part of my life anymore. If anything, I feel good about it.

Hang in there, [MENTION=24351]New Sunrise[/MENTION]. Grown children can be challenging, just in different ways to when they were small. I hope over time you and your son can develop a new relationship despite your differences :hug:

I hope your husband's surgery is smooth and easy, [MENTION=8356]Lavande[/MENTION]. I know you're a tough ol' nurse but it's different when it is someone you love. xx, NS

[lifechange]

Re: Newbies Nest

Hi Nesters,

New Sunrise, I really appreciate your openness and that you're not shying away when you have tough days. I know at times I don't post, not wanting to be a "downer", but that is precisely the time it's most important to post! To get it out of your system, to work through it, to get feedback from your nestmates. Well done.:hug: And I agree, as mentioned above, being selfish is what you need to do to take care of yourself. We're not any good to others if we're drinking.

Today has been an easier day. I felt good, even happy for no apparent reason.
I wanted to thank those of you who gave me your opinions regarding the entitled younger generation.. I realized that I was way over-generalizing, as we also have a lot of 20 somethings at my work place who are thoughtful and able to work as part of the team. For the most part it functions quite well. And my immediate kitchen team are all great. I was frustrated with a group of 5 women and together with my main colleague, we've found a funny way to deal with it!:happy2:

My daughter got home early so I have to cut this short..
still not done, but will have to continue later. love to you all. Thank you for all of the supportive and insightful posts these past days.
Welcome a couple of days late, Feral Pup and well done!

[FeralPuppy]

Re: Newbies Nest

Hi everyone

Just a quick check-in here. Last night and tonight are visit times with my SO, so no drinking on the horizon at all. Keeping in mind that Tuesday night will be a big trigger as all evenings right after a visit tend to be. I can go check out the Tai Chi classes down the street or see a movie or go for a later dog walk than usual. One or a combo will work (I hope).

Anyway, that's a problem for tomorrow - I'll be checking in for sure!!!!

All the best to everyone,
Pupper

[Guitarista]

Re: Newbies Nest

Hi friends,

LC, you raaawk. That is all.

Pupstar, tai chi? What a cool opportunity for some real inner exploration, mindfulness, self awareness nurturing and general self care statement to self! Looks like you have already identified some healthy options for the evening. You're ahead of the pack with that approach i reckon. Raaawkin.

Lav, hope hubs is ok there.

I say bring on the problems, grief, setbacks, worries that we have and feel free to write about them here. This ain't no stamp collecting forum.

Big waves to evabody. All good here.

[available]

Re: Newbies Nest

Morning nesters

Nar did i miss you are doing a certification? Whatever it is you will do well. Its amazing what we achieve sober.

Pauly, Meth is a horrible drug, my son was on it and was suicidal when i got him home. Proud to say he has been sober 6 years and helped entice me to stop drinking as i was feeling a bit or a lot of a hypocrite lecturing him about his addiction when i had one of my own. An awful drug and so addictive.

Sunrise, we cant pick our childrens partners, i am lucky as 3 of my children are single and the others boyfriend is lovely. Make yourself a priority, turn off your phone and let him deal with his crap. Always have that hope he will see sense. Post away, its not good keeping stuff inside us. I was known as "lunatic Linda' when i first started getting sober and thats what MWO is for.

LC, keep looking for those positive every day, they are out there.

Pup, you have the right attitude of planning ahead to avoid those tricky situations, keeping busy is crucial in the early days. Enjoy your time with the SO.

G, thanks for the morning chuckle with this aint no stamp collecting forum. I loved collecting stamps as a child. i have that stamp tin somewhere still.

Slo, like NS, i dont think of al anymore or the situations i find myself in. i do go prepared though with my tools packed inside me though everyone knows i am an alcoholic that i associate with and they are all as protective of my quit as i am.

Lav, hope your hubs comes through his procedure fine and dandy.

Busy at work as per usual though an early day as i have to have an xray and ultrasound on my hip. Osteoarthritis or bursitis the doctor is going for, i am hoping bursitis so they can stick a steroid needle in and get rid of the pain. driving me crackers when i want to get out and walk. I went to see the smoking psychologist yesterday as i have this fear of failing/relapse. Now i am just going to start seeing her as a psychologist due to my anxiety/stress. Strangely enough she said that my anxiety could stem from my childhood and when i experience the fight or flight i revert to how i used to cope when a child. As i told her its taken me 5 years of being sober to move on to the next level of healing inside. No rush and im feeling excited to delve into the whys and finding solutions. So now i have my smoking clinician, my gp and psychologist helping me along my journey and my gym gentle gym instructor helping me to get that body of a 20 year old (doomed to failure in that one!).

take care xx

[New Sunrise]

Re: Newbies Nest

Thank you all for the support! The hour is drawing near....and who knows when the heck he will call, sometime after 5, it better before 9pm because we are in the bed by then, hubby is up early to get a plane tomorrow morning.

I do dread this, the drama, the mystery, the "what the heck is the matter with you?". He is announcing his call to me like the coming of the royal baby. I just don't know. I do know I have to hold my tongue and at least I am forewarned to do that. Geese, the drama and he has never been my drama kid.

I am just prepared to take care of myself. Once again, no war zone tomorrow. Tomorrow will be a nice day here so I will work on a good case of skin cancer by the pool with a book that one of my friends in the ladies group recommended me.

Slo, thanks for sharing about your sister-in-law and I am so sorry to hear about the tough time you had with it. SLIP, sobriety loses its priority. I have to remember that one and a slip really scares me. I am getting more comfortable with not drinking except for the times that I have a craving. I do not want something to upset and set the dominos falling. I have don't want to go back where I was.

Avail- addiction is such a scary thing and comes in lots of forms though alcoholism is not to be slighted, I know there are addictions that are so much harder to get under control. We live in the country and the 2nd week we were here a kid, 30's, overdosed when his mother took his daughter to a family reunion. It was sad to see people in our community deal with it. Two years I lost a nephew to opioids, also in his 30's. He died right in his parents house. He had been asleep for most of the day and my ex-SIL went in to wake him only to find he had been gone for hours.

I just thought I would pop in here to constructively kill some time. 5pm is nearing and so now the wait begins. I need to fix dinner, the cat is egging me on to get in the kitchen to start so he can beg us at the table for nibbles. He knows daddy is home and will give in shortly after dinner is on the table.

Thank you all again. I will stay strong and let it be what it is and not let it upset me too much.

[Lavande]

Re: Newbies Nest

Good evening Nesters,

Nice day here, partly sunny & coolish enough not to turn into a sweating mess working outside for a few hours. My kind of day, haha!
My husband got a call today & found out his surgery has been rescheduled - it's now on Thursday. He's not happy about having to wait another day so I've been trying convince him it's no big deal. I know he's nervous & he gets cranky & his hearing turns off making communication that much more difficult. I'm not letting this tiny delay or him get under my skin. I've worked too hard to reinvent myself over the past decade, nothing is going to throw me off my path again

New Sunrise, your son is an adult & I know how hard it is when we don't agree with their decisions. I have experienced the same with my kids about certain things. We just have to trust that we raised them well & the universe will take care of the rest. We also notified our kids many years ago that the bank of Mom & Dad is closed!!! No more hand outs & they have been good about that. I hope everything goes OK with you & your son tonight

I'll just say hello to everyone & wish a safe night in the nest for all!

Lav

[New Sunrise]

Re: Newbies Nest

Good Early Morning to Everyone!

I have not slept but just a little bit tonight. I am kind of reeling over my son's call, but surely not enough to drink over it. I feel such pity for him. He has himself in an awful situation that I am so, so glad that we are so, so far away from.

He called at 5pm on the dot. He evidently arranged the time so that I would not have to call him back and he could speak to me without his girlfriend hearing. He started the call with the fact that he is still with GF and started to give the reasons why. I cut him off and told him he was an adult and who he sees and for what reasons he sees them is none of my business. He said he was glad to hear me say he was an adult because he thought I treated him like a child. What? I hadn't treated him like a child since he was a child and it is really hard to mistake an almost 40yr old, balding man as a child. He wanted to let me know that he had moved to the city that GF lives in and has gotten, yet, another job. He thought I should know where he lived. Pretty considerate of him, I guess.

We have not really talked since Christmas because his GF was so disappointed by the lack of respect we showed her????? I have no idea. We took them Epcot and Universal while here, had a day that I cooked a nice meal and exchanged presents and they left 2 days early because she was not well. We kind of figured that she got all that she came for and was ready to hit the road but there is a kicker. She was so insulted by the presents we bought her. She felt like we just grabbed things around the house and wrapped them up and gave them to her. :cuss:

I am just floored, as is my husband and daughter. We certainly did not do that and really spent more then we wanted to especially having just moved to a new house in a new state. Son thought she was being pretty superficial but once she explained it to him he really understood. :cuss: Holy cow, this is not the values that he was raised with. In the end it is not about what you have or get but the people in your life who care for you and how you treat them.

We are very upset here. My dear, sweet husband is just floored. I do the bulk of the Christmas shopping but he always goes out of his way and buys us all something special just from him from the heart. His feelings were so hurt and once again my daughter does not feel like her older brother has any regard for her at all. He never asked how we were and has no idea I had surgery on my neck.


So there it is. It sure is not worth losing sleep over, but I have. Hubby is not resting too well himself but he has a day ahead of him and needs his rest.

I will not drink today over this BS, no way, no how. My sobriety is just a whole lot more important then this.

I also can not tell you all enough how grateful I am for you all and your support. It is not just about being sober and being on this site, it is about the strength you guys give me to stay sober. I know I ramble and I am just getting to know you all. At times I feel like I am not supportive enough to you all but you mean the world to me literally. I am only getting my life in order because of you, on my own I am squat and I know it.

Hugs to everyone and an AF day to all!

[Byrdlady]

Re: Newbies Nest

New, I have been anxiously awaiting your post. I am flabbergasted as well. Some people defy logic.

When I was first dating my hubby, his 15 year old really got to me. She was a good kid, but I felt like she was taking major advantage of her dad. His first wife left him and he felt guilty because he was no longer around like he was. So when she came over, it was ALL about her. I was pretty young myself and found it hard to cope. One time, he had spent all day cooking her favorite meal and when she came in the door, she said, 'oh, I'd rather go out'. So he packed it all up and out they went. My nose was out of joint in a major way, the more I tried to tell him what to do (after all, I was the expert with NO kids) the further it drove a wedge between us. I finally went to a psychologist. He drew 3 dots on a piece of paper depicting the points of a triangle. He pointed to one side and said,' You can control the relationship you have with him'. He went to the next side and filled it in from the same dot, he said ' you can control the relationship you have with HER'. Then he went to the third side and said, 'But you CANNOT control the relationship HE has with HER'. This was the very basis of my problem because that's what I was trying to do. It was absolutely out of my control and once I let that go, I found some peace. I think that is one of the things about this job....I'm trying my hardest to control that which is OUT of my control. Anyway, that was the best $75 I ever spent and I've used that advice many, many times over the years and it has never failed me. I certainly did not have to agree with his decisions, but they were HIS decisions to make. I'm thinking of you and wishing you some peace. That girl sounds like a real charm.
Another day on the crazy train. At least it's just a crazy train and NOT a ticket to BoozeVille! Hugs to all, Byrdie

[paulywogg]

Re: Newbies Nest

New Sunrise,sons GF sounds like a brat! Let him figure it out which he eventually will,don't worry about rambling or making it all about you here,we all do that and besides if we didn't talk about what's going on in our lives there'd be no conversation,plus venting it out gets it out if we keep things in it eats us from the inside out,no bueno! Waves to all and wishes for a great AF day

[Pavati]

Re: Newbies Nest

Hi, All:

A lot of crap going on here. Since booze is NOT an option - we've all taken that choice off the table - what is going to be your plan? Pup, when you leave your SO's, Sunrise, when you get another call, Pav, when work stresses you out? Our previous go-to was booze - what will it be now. Once that choice is off the table, you don't have to worry that you'll be triggered and drink - you'll know that you'll be triggered and do tai chi, or take a bath, go for a walk, cry, write, do cartwheels. Anything BUT drink booze. We got this.

I would love to comment on all of these great posts, but I'm late for work.

Happy SOBER Tuesday,
Pav