Newbies Nest

[New Sunrise]

Re: Newbies Nest

Thank you Pauly and Byrd!

Byrd, that is a wonderful way to look at the situation. I can not control their relationship and I don't even want to try. I can control my relationship with my son and I think that keeping my distance is best and certainly not commenting on his decisions is better. We all have to learn some things the hard way and those are some of our best lessons. I am staying as far away from her as I possibly can. There is nothing to be gained, she will just twist what ever I say or do, this hundreds of miles of distance is really a great thing!

Pauly, you are right she is a brat, a tremendously spoiled brat. She was adopted as an infant and an only child. Her parents certainly raised her as a princess, she has not figured out that she is regular person yet.

Good news, hubby's trip has been cancelled for today! He has an extra day home! I am certainly am grateful for that.

Lav- in all my drama I have forgotten to mention that I hope all goes well with your husband on Thursday. I know getting the procedure done asap is important to him and I do hope he can keep his mind busy enough to make the time go quicker.

I think I will go put up my coffee pot now and find a place to plant myself!

[narilly]

Re: Newbies Nest

I finally went to a psychologist. He drew 3 dots on a piece of paper depicting the points of a triangle. He pointed to one side and said,' You can control the relationship you have with him'. He went to the next side and filled it in from the same dot, he said ' you can control the relationship you have with HER'. Then he went to the third side and said, 'But you CANNOT control the relationship HE has with HER'. This was the very basis of my problem because that's what I was trying to do.

Byrdie! This quote is amazing. I will use this for myself, thank you. My brother and I have had a strained relationship since he married his 1st wife and now his 2nd wife. She is not very nice to me and my mom and kind of turned him against us. Now he is unhappy with the 2nd wife (go figure) and he is talking to me more. What a pain in the ass.
NSun, that sucks about your son. Hopefully he will figure out that this woman is turning him against his family. Sometimes they do figure it out.

G, way to take things slow, when we drink we just make impulse decisions and then regret them. You know it!

Pav, have a great day at work.
Ava, I remember you talking about your son 5 years ago, you went through a lot. Thank goodness he is off the drugs now. My son is doing well too, we both dodged a bullet there.

Well, I have another interview on Friday. It may be a bit above my experience right now but I am going to see if they will hire me. I will Kick some butt! I feel my career stalled for so many years because of my drinking but now is the time to excel.

Happy Un Hung Tuesday!
Nar xo

[NoSugar]

Re: Newbies Nest

I have used Byrdie's triangle relationship image so many times! It is so helpful to be aware of what we can and can't control. There's no point spending our time, energy, or thoughts on the latter category. That idea underlies Stoic philosophy, which is part of what really appeals to me about it.
[MENTION=24351]New Sunrise[/MENTION], the GF sounds like a very insecure woman who has to beat down any perceived rivals. That sounds ridiculous when you know you aren't trying to take her place but she might be seeing it that way. It has taken me years to dispel my DIL's image of a "mother-in-law" as an obstacle and competitor.

Glad you're aiming high, [MENTION=1354]narilly[/MENTION]! Whoever hires you will be the lucky one.

Have a great day! NS

[lifechange]

Re: Newbies Nest

Hi Nesters,

Checking in at the end of a long day. It's only 8:13 pm, but I'm headed to bed soon.
The girls were both in such moods today.. I got on my workout clothes and biked quickly to the gym. I felt a bit bad for leaving them (I left with kisses and love) but I knew there was NOTHING I could do to help them out (I'd already tried) and I was feeling the stress coming on. It worked well. I don't want to drink anymore!

Thanks for sharing the triangle imagery, Byrdie.. works well with x-husband's (father of children) relationship with the girls, too. I definitely can't control that.
New Sunrise, :hug:. That's a tough situation and you're doing a great job handling it and taking care of yourself..
Kensho, I've been wanting to thank you for the long post the other day. I copied, pasted and sent it to myself. It was right on.
Nar, Good luck with your interview on Friday! I'll be thinking about you!

ok. this stamp collector is signing off for the night.. see you all tomorrow.xx

[Guitarista]

Re: Newbies Nest

I will Kick some butt! I feel my career stalled for so many years because of my drinking but now is the time to excel.

Aiming high mi amiga! And why not you?! Raaaaawkin!

Control! I can't control others, nor should i try to. What others think of me is none of my business. As they often say at the friday night card game in Jersey in the room above Frankie's stamp collecting shop - 'What are ya gonna do eh? Ya can't change no freakin whackyass.'

Yo LC. Biking to the gym! Mood follows action. Oh yeah! :thumbsup:

All good here. L8tr g8trs.

[Slo]

Re: Newbies Nest

Sunrise, regarding the situation with your son: well-played, my friend! You left it totally as his choice to stay with her, and you did not take on ANY of it -not even the reasons he’s staying with her! And he can’t “push back” against you, because you gave him nothing to push back against! Meaning, he can’t choose to stay with her for the reason of “Mom doesn’t want me to, so I’ll show HER!” And as far as the BS about the Christmas gifts --unbelievable! It just goes to show you how crazy it all is. I’m glad you live far away from them!

Pupper, hope you are navigating your way through your trigger time now with your excellent ideas of tai chi class, movie, and/or dog walk.

LC, glad you were blessed with an easier day yesterday. I find that biking relieves stress as well.

NS, thank you for your fine editing job on my last post. Yes, AS I continue on this AF path, not IF I do; because this is the path I have chosen, and I will continue on it! I’m just thankful that as the days accrue, extremely trying events like that emotionally exhausting funeral party will be less likely to derail me.
I was in a grocery store again, and was again thrilled that the vast alcohol displays trigger absolutely nothing in me! And to think that that’s how alcohol-soaked events are now to you & Ava! I look forward to that.

Ava, is it osteoarthritis or bursitis?
And it sounds totally plausible to me that your Fight or Flight (or Freeze, for me) patterns got established in childhood. So now that there’s no nicotine or alcohol to blunt them, then there they are again.

Greetings to all!

[Lavande]

Re: Newbies Nest

Good evening Nesters,

We had a pretty good day here despite everything
I worked so hard to pull myself out of my acquired depression before I began my AF journey. Did you know that when you live with a severe, chronic depressive you end up depressed too? I found out the hard way, believe me. I decided ENOUGH! There will be no more sucking up other people's moods (especially my husband's). Apparently I am a classic empath. I can sense the energy of others the minute they walk in the room, not fun. Our DIL has put us thru some special hell over the past several years. She was diagnosed bipolar, need I say more?
The moral of the story is to be your best you have to really take care of yourself. That means not taking responsibility for other people's problems. Not your spouse, not your kids & not your kid's spouses. Also, certain brothers who shall remain nameless, haha!

Keep working on yourselves & strengthen your force fields when necessary. You'll never be sorry

Wishing everyone a safe night in the nest!

Lav

[FeralPuppy]

Re: Newbies Nest

Hi everyone

New Sunrise - I'm really sorry to hear about your son and his "lady"friend. We just never stop being parents, do we? There's no graduating or retiring from it.

Well, I feel very stupid today. I guess I didn't take enough care last night and slipped out of the nest... Dog walking and then bathing at the PetValu self-serve doggie bath only took till 7 pm. It gave me enough time to give into my horrible habits and pick up a couple of tall cans of strong beer. Not a huge amount, but it wrecked my sleep, gave me bad anxiety and is making me feel just awful in all of the ways.

I don't want to drink!!!! It does nothing good for me anymore - only bad. Why do I keep giving in???

Aaaarrgghh.

DumbPuppy

[paulywogg]

Re: Newbies Nest

Aww, don't call yourself Dumbpuppy just get back to the path you want to travel,I think alot of us had slips in the early days the first time we tried to quit,keep your head up

[Pavati]

Re: Newbies Nest

Good morning, all.

Mr. G! These are words to live by...

Mood follows action. Oh yeah! :thumbsup:

I LOVE that idea - my new mantra.

Feral Puppy - I would also say that words do have meaning. You're not dumb - you are vulnerable to alcohol. You took that path Kensho wrote about - the one that you were used to taking. How many times have I been on auto pilot and driven home when I meant to drive somewhere else? The key is to recognized what happened, and make adjustments to your plan so that it doesn't happen again. Maybe next time, go straight home on the night your bf leaves, and get right into the tub? Order takeout? Whatever got in your way, move it. The great news is that you came here right away and let us know. You can do this!

I am also an empath, Lav, and I can get sucked into feeling all kids of ways if I'm not careful. It is hard working with students, because they have had all sorts of traumatic experiences and I can internalize them pretty easily. Self care is SO important.

I am so sorry to hear about the problems you all are having as mothers in law or equivalent. I LOVED my mother-in-law so much - she was amazing and I am so sad that she died young. As my boys get older, I am trying to think what it was about her that made me love her so much so that I can help forge a relationship with any significant others who come my way. Of course, I won't be able to change how the SO feels about me - so difficult. I am sure that is stressful and sad for you, Sunrise. Take good care of yourself.

Off to a conference. I really like the learning at this conference I go to every year, but I hate that it is a schmooze fest. I show my face at the "reception," and then sneak up to the room to read or watch TV. No visits to the mini bar.

Happy SOBER Tuesday,
Pav

[wagmor]

Re: Newbies Nest

Back from family travels and ready to settle into the nest. I need to read back and catch up with everyone and will do that now.

Nar - hope the interview goes well and that they give you a chance. Definitely kick some butt!

Puppy - belated welcome to the nest, and sorry to hear of last night's slip. As Pauly said, just climb back on your quit and get 'er going again. It can be useful to reflect on what happened (a bit, don't dwell) - just to learn and plan differently. You've got this!


Hellos and waves to everyone and sorry for my absence. The uncle that passed was my dad's brother, and there's some complicated history there that has been difficult to navigate. I should be able to catch up on the nest happenings this morning and am planning to be more present.

Have great hump days and eves everyone!

[lifechange]

Re: Newbies Nest

Hi Nesters,

I'm pretty happy that I went to the gym again today to deal with weird feelings. There's nothing wrong.. it's just a blah feeling, like I don't know what to do with myself. I'm looking into a counselor but until I find someone, I'm trying to use the gym as a substitute. Today I only did 25 minutes of walking/stairs but it was enough to move from feeling weird to feeling pretty good. Straight home for dinner and here I am.

Good job Feral Pup for coming right back to the Nest and not turning one night into a string of nights.
Welcome back, Wags.. it's good to see you again!
Lav, I'm also an empath (didn't know it had a name).. sometimes it can be a blessing and other times it's really hard to turn off/deal with. I hope your hub's surgery goes well tomorrow.. thinking of you.
Kensho, I liked your idea of making an "inspiration" board.. where do I want to go? what kind of a life do I want to have? what is important to me?
Like you and Pav, NS, Nar, Ava, Byrdie, Wags, Lav, everyone with considerable af time say, it's either have the life I want OR drink. The two don't fit together.
AND that things you never would have imagined happen/become possible with some time.
We're seeing that with G-man right now! Rockin' it! And Slo getting up to a year! I want to be with you all.
Hugs to Pauly, New Sunrise.. anyone I might be forgetting. xx

[New Sunrise]

Re: Newbies Nest

Hello All!

Thank you all so much for all the support with my son situation!

Pav, I do have a plan for next time son calls, let it go to voice mail and judge from the message! One thing I learned about phones is just because it rings does not mean that I have to answer it. It is not like I am a dog and will get a treat from answering it. I will not get sucked into games that are none of my concern, staying sober is my concern right now.

Puppy, is this your first quit? The reason I asked is because during my first quit I had more day 1's then I could keep up with. I did go to AA and got a pocket full of newcomer chips but I finally got it, till I didn't have it any more. I stayed sober for 2 years even though my drinking was a great advantage to my ex-husband and he would put me in situations to entice me to drink. I needed the support from my friends at AA to keep sober and resist his "looks like you are stressed, you want me to pick up a bottle of wine" lines. It was a complicated situation. What did help me was finding a go-to drink, right now it is lemon water but before it was grapefruit juice, others suggested pomegranate juice but that never took for me. Ice cream, Ice Cream, ICE CREAM!!! really helped at witching hour and still does. Our bodies convert the alcohol into sugar and fooling our bodies with real sugar helps. Having a plan, having support helps greatly. I really can't go to AA now because there is only one meeting a week in our small town and everyone here knows what time everyone uses the commode here so being known as a new town drunk doesn't work for me and the next town over is 20 miles from here. Get on here as much as possible and know we are all here for you! Puppy, I also know about being by myself. Hubby travels about 75% of the time and that is when I did my drinking. I plan now for the day he leaves and mostly that is staying home and away from the grocery store, the grocery store is my war zone. I am feeling where you are coming from just don't give up. If you give up then there is no chance of stopping.

I have had a chance today to look through some posts that I have missed.

Pauly, it is great to know about the 3 month depression period and now that I think of it, I remember it well. I am still up and down and all around at 6 weeks on Thursday, so I will not beat myself up too much.

Guitarista, I liked what you said about not making decisions until you are sure. I am that way and it has always worked for me. Making decisions that I am not sure of has usually gotten me in trouble.

Avail, I sure know about anxiety disorder! In my case it is chemical, plain and simple, after lots and lots of therapy. Therapy was great for me at one time in my life and I learned so many life skills. My mother had anxiety attacks as did her two sisters, three of my cousins admit to it, and my daughter does too. There is nothing wrong with a bit of a chemical malady that is inherited. Daughter, my cousins, and myself live a much better life then my mother and aunts did through the wonders of modern chemistry. Alcohol is not modern, but as old as time I think. I doubt it worked well for the old as timers as it sure didn't for me. It is life, just like cancer, which I have had and lots in my family has had. I do hope they can do something for your arthritis/bursitis. That is literally a pain to try and treat.

So on to me, hubby is gone , due back home on Saturday. Our HVAC system died last night, funeral services to be held at a later date . I feel like the drama queen here. Hubby and I had a text freak out but we are cool, literally and figuratively. Our house has a unit for each side of the house so we are okay for now, the other will just have to work a little harder, but it is a new one so it should hold us for a bit. Time for the estimates and sales pitches. We shall make it through this too.

No war zone today, or tomorrow, woohoo. A good book and the pool is in order. Maybe a nap?

Thinking of you all and wishing you a great AF day!

[Byrdlady]

Re: Newbies Nest

New Sunrise, I just had to replace my HVAC unit and the guy left with 5700 of my closest friends. Ouch! I'm sorry yours is DOA, reminds me of buying underwear, something you have to do but nobody else appreciates.
Pup, Pet Valu is one of my customers. We put a camera over the dog wash, too, so in my mind, I could see you there! Hang in, your quit will stick.
Back to work, yuck. Byrdie

[available]

Re: Newbies Nest

morning nesters

Not much time to read back, chaos is just around the corner with the arrival of all the doctors. i do like my 3 hours of quiet time before they arrive. I even managed to give my desk a wipe down and throw a tonne of post it notes out.

Slo i have an inflamed tendon so the radiologist told me. i go to the gp this afternoon but have organised physio this morning to get the ball rolling. its not too painful but i have not walked in 3 days and so now i am feel blah. i did talk to my gym instructor and now need to go to the gym more than my walking for a time.

Fpup, you will gain the tools needed to not listen to that alcohol voice. I used to imagine i had a box in my brain and when that voice started i put it in the box, sometimes it was a huge fight internally to get said voice in that box but over time it got easier. i also didnt take my card or money with me when i went out so i could not buy al. its all about learning new ways.

LC great to see you going to the gym, i think for me its just getting out of the house and my head for a time.

Sunrise, my mother will never admit to depression etc, she is just fine and dandy in her words. Me, well i am on ad's for my anxiety and they work well also. Menopause seems to have bought it on more also. i need to slow my brain down and stop getting 5 miles in front of myself. its great to be organised but not that organised. If we only had an off button.

Lav, fingers crossed for hubs. i have a skin cancer apt today and i am sure they will burn and biopsy their hearts out.

Welcome back Wags.

Busy at work so best get back to it. take care xx