Newbies Nest

[Pavati]

Re: Newbies Nest

Hi, all:

BYRDIE AND NOSUGAR!!! I'm so glad you got to meet. This is the RomCom of the Century. How great is that?!?!

Touch, making dinner was my drinking time also. It was my unwind from work, listen to my podcast and chill alone time. I ended up getting a home carbonator (is that the word?), and I substituted alcohol for non alcohol. I make plain fizzy water and then put a dash of some delicious juice in it. I appreciate the ritual, and I find that now I crave that drink and don't even think about the alcohol. I pay a little more for good juice, which is WAY less than the alcohol I was drinking every day. Of course, it took some getting used to, but not it is a part of my ritual. I even bring my fizzy water to parties because I have found that most people don't supply enough non-alcoholic drinks. I didn't get into the non-alcoholic beer or wine because I was afraid it would remind my brain what I was "missing" too much. I loved the taste of beer, especially on a hot day, but not enough to risk re-activating my cravings.

I quit on December 2. I told people that I get depressed around Christmas (true), and that I was trying to go without alcohol to see if it made me feel better. I didn't say "I QUIT FOR GOOD," or anything - I was still too mired in shame. A friend of mine told everyone she was on medication. Lav would say don't worry about what others think, and she's right, but I did. You could "forget" to buy wine and say you're not drinking because of X so you forgot (if you want to make sure you don't have it in your house). If she's a "normal" drinker she'll be ok without wine for a night. If she wants some she can buy herself some the next night. Whatever you do, have a plan to avoid it yourself.

Nar - how did the interview go?

Happy SOBER Hump Day,
Pav

[New Sunrise]

Re: Newbies Nest

Good Morning All!

I am so sorry to be radio silent for so many days and did not get to welcome Happy Health and Touch! :welcome::welcome::welcome:! You have found a great place here and so much support. The advice you have been given already has been so great and there is not a lot that I can add to it, but I am proud that you settled in our nest and we are all here for you!

Happy Health, it is scary when you realize the hold alcohol has on your life, it truly makes your life unmanageable but you are taking that back. It does make life easier to deal with, problems still arise but it is so much easier to deal with them in a calmer and more coherent way. Touch I am glad that you reached out to everyone when things got tough. We many not always be here at the exact time you need us, but we are there in spirit and the tool box is a great place to get some needed strength. Sometimes it just helps to check in here and hold yourself accountable for what you are going through.

Radio silence...I have had to just get myself together here and take myself down a few notches. I was in a funky mood Sunday and realized that I was just tired. Hubby is away so much and I am okay with that but there is a lot on me at home and I can relax more when he is home. I realized I was so tired when I got off here, sat on the couch with him and woke up 2 hours later. We had a nice Sunday afternoon together and then came Monday. I had a colonoscopy yesterday and could not eat Monday and then spend the night on the most uncomfortable toilet seat ever made. I had no idea. I really had a hard time with the prep and was up till 3 am flushing everything up to my brain out. The doc doesn't do the procedures but once a week and takes the diabetics and elderly first. I had the most miserable day yesterday and my appointment wasn't till 3:45 at which they took me in at 5:00. I was severely dehydrated and had a headache from hell for the whole day. I was not a happy camper and told the doc that this ordeal just got him at least a week in purgatory because it was a pure sin he put me through. He told me fine, as long as I was alright, he would take it and if I decided not to come back and have it again, he would pray for me, bugger.

I am now part of the 3 year club because he found another good size polyp considering the last was found 5 years ago. I should be fine though they will biopsy it. I think I grow these things faster then my hair. I guess you just have to do what you have to do. I can look forward to this in another 3 years! I am a bit sore today and have to take it easy but fine other than that. I am tired of doctors though. It is a good thing that I have met my stop loss on my insurance because I am tired of paying bills.

I am doing good otherwise, still drama free around here. I have not been looking for it so I am just waiting for the shoe to fall and it show up again. No drinking thoughts, other than water and my coffee this morning. Wow, I missed it yesterday. Today I will enjoy the day with my hubby and tomorrow he leaves and will miss Father's Day. We will celebrate it this evening.

I have read such great posts on here this morning! Bryd and No Sug it is awesome that you got to meet like that. I just can't help smiling about it.

I am so glad everyone is doing well, Lav, we are getting rain now too, I am missing my sunny days. Wags, I am so glad that you did great on your yard sale! My stuff is never that good so I just take it to Goodwill. I hate collecting stuff that I don't use and purge often.

I hope everyone has a wonderful Sober Wednesday! I do plan on enjoying mine and coming up with tomorrow's plan for when hubby leaves. I still need that plan, it works and I will not mess with what isn't broken!

[Touch]

Re: Newbies Nest

Thank you, Pavati,
I do love sparkling water, but the home carbonator is something I haven't looked into. What brand do you have, and is there anything you especially like about it? It could be a really good idea for me.
I do have a problem with saying I quit for good at this point, though I'm definitely open to it, if moderation doesn't work for me. I heard something yesterday that I hadn't thought of: Laura on the Home podcast said that when she started moderating her drinking, she didn't have a problem with drinking the way she had before. She kept it moderate, if I understood her correctly, BUT the AV came right back and she started thinking, thinking, thinking about AL and when and how much, etc. If that is the case for me, then moderation isn't for me, either. The thoughts were always much worse than anything else that happened while or after I drank, even the worst hangover. I am one to beat myself up nonstop in shame.
My company will be here for a week. My wine refrigerator is stocked, my garage refrigerator is stocked with beer and soft drinks, my bar is stocked with every type of hard liquor, yet today, and for the last 6 days, I don't have a fear or longing about drinking.
We have a family Father's Day get together here that will include 20 people and alcohol and I'm actually excited to host the party sober. I can't even tell you the relief from the feeling that I had to turn to AL before, during, after the party, to be able to cope with all the preparation/serving/clean-up/socializing. That's what I told myself, anyway, that I couldn't do it without drinking.
Somehow my question about whether or not I will drink feels set in stone: I'm not going to drink. It doesn't feel like will power: it feels like something happened to me without me knowing it. I don't know, and maybe it is the "pink cloud days", as someone described the newness of living without alcohol. I don't feel prideful because it's nothing I did; I just feel grateful that I'm here now, and I thank you all for your part in it.
If I fall on my face at any point, I will let you all know. I don't feel it's beyond me to fall. I'm just not struggling with AL thoughts after struggling 3/4 of my waking hours for the last, Idk, 15 years? I'm not completely sure when the AV took hold of me.
We'll see. Thank you for your thoughts, Pavati. Your (and everyone's) input means a lot to me.
Touch

[NoSugar]

Re: Newbies Nest

It doesn't feel like will power: it feels like something happened to me without me knowing it. I don't know, and maybe it is the "pink cloud days", as someone described the newness of living without alcohol. I don't feel prideful because it's nothing I did; I just feel grateful that I'm here now, and I thank you all for your part in it.

[MENTION=24382]Touch[/MENTION], we all can change our thinking about anything at anytime. Unfortunately, many addicts have to hit an obvious rock bottom (DUI, car crash, end of a relationship, etc.) but in those cases, they often are just DONE. The shock of what happened is so traumatic, their thinking changes immediately and it isn't even a struggle for them not to drink anymore.

BUT... there is no reason for anyone to wait for a painful bottom. If something doesn't feel good or right, that is a signal we are heading in the wrong direction. I don't think anyone would be here if our drinking wasn't at a minimum causing us some anxiety and worry (and for most of us, much worse!).

It sounds to me like you see alcohol differently already. That means you are one of the really lucky ones!! I had to make an effort to 'change my brain' by reading here, watching videos, listening to podcasts, etc. I know now that all of that actually wasn't necessary, but it helped.

I don't think you're living in a pink cloud, I think you are living the life you want and deserve. xx, NS

[Slo]

Re: Newbies Nest

It sounds like the penny has dropped for you, Touch! --That you want to NOT drink more than you want to drink. Your upcoming week sounds very challenging, but hopefully that feeling of “tired of thinking about drinking” will pull you through.

Juice spritzers with a home carbonater sounds like a very good & creative idea indeed, Pav! It gives you variety.

Sunshine, thanks for the reminder of why I have thus far opted not to have a colonoscopy! I’d rather take my chances.

Ava, the story you told a few posts back of being a young teen who had to drive her drunk stepfather home was so sad. I’m sorry you were put in that position. I read a similar story in the newspaper where a mom & stepdad near my hometown got drunk and so had the teen daughter drive them home, and she crashed and killed them.

I hope the big family reunion in CA goes well for you, LC. Soon you’ll be out of that miserable heat, and into a drier heat in AZ.

Thinking of you, Narilly, as you ride the interview process.
Lav, two grandsons out of school: “Oh boy” is right!
Sorry about the tragedy of your nephew, Lav. Was alcohol involved?

Hello to all!

[available]

Re: Newbies Nest

morning nesters

Welcome Touch and Happy, lovely to have you in the nest and follow your journey.

Byrd and NS, so glad you got to meet and in an airport, everything happens in an airport. Wish i was there also.

So much to read back on which will be my priority today. Im sick, feel like i have ingested 100 razor blades and they are all stuck in my throat. I had my work review yesterday and all we managed to talk about was my pay grade. The powers that be say i dont fit the criteria that i want and i told them i will give them 3 months to get the pay grade that i deserve. i train the people that they are giving the pay grade i deserve and yet i dont fit the criteria. Go figure. I was very proud of myself for stating my case, realising that i am worthwhile and i do do an exceptional job after 12 years and that i wont be walked over but treated with respect for what i bring to my job. I have told them if i dont get the grade i should be paid then i will be looking for other work. I didnt walk away wanting to drink AT anyone or smoke AT anyone. NEVER EVER EVER could i have stood up to myself when i was drinking, never would i have been rational and been able to state my case as i did. I would have been filled with anger and resentment. Now the ball is in their court, they have been told of my abilities and what i do, they know what they will lose. I will lose a job i love and people i enjoy working with but i wont be walked over any more. That feels empowering.

Will post more laters but needed to check in.

take care xx

[Lavande]

Re: Newbies Nest

Good evening Nesters,

I survived a 12 hr day with an 8 & 10 year old, now I’m tired, haha!!! Kids are so full of energy at the beginning of summer vacation

Ava, sounds like a throat infection is coming your way, sorry. I hope you feel better very soon :hug:
I also hope your employer has enough sense to step forward & offer you better pay for all your hard work!

Slo, my nephew apparently had some beers in him when he flipped his truck on the road. Kids around here seem to think it’s OK to drink & drive at 18 His parents were never the same after that. His father (my BIL) took his own life almost 5 years ago after all those years of serious depression. So sad for everyone.

Touch, I never got into trying non-alcoholic wine & I don't think I would because I was trying to please someone else. I just told people I feel better when I’m not drinking (truth) & they can have whatever they want. I also did not feel the need to explain my actions to anyone. You have to find your comfort area & do whatever is best for you.

HHF, Pav, NS, hello to you & everyone checking in tonight!
Now I need to go tuck in my chickens before it gets dark & I forget, LOL
Wishing everyone a safe night in the nest!

Lav

[Byrdlady]

Re: Newbies Nest

I will NEVER forget meeting NS for 30 seconds at the Charlotte airport! It was like a dream! She is a tiny thing!
Busy with this tradeshow, so will only check in now and say I’m thinking of you all. Stay strong, everyone, no matter what and no matter who! Byrdie

[HappyHealthyFuture]

Re: Newbies Nest

Felt relieved today to not be pestered by my AV, I actually felt positive and hopeful, it was nice. I believe the biggest thing I have to overcome right now is thinking in the future. I'm exhausted fromm working and can't think straight but wanted to log on.

I appologize for any Welcomes that I didn't acknowledge, I sincerely appreciate them. I'm just so tired I can't focus

Good night!

[BelleGirl]

Re: Newbies Nest

I really have to find my way out again from this insanity. I've had no big incidents, but I am surely headed that way. I could go on and on about life stresses right now, but the bottom line is that I have to get my sobriety back 100%. I am truly sick of myself. I have been awol here and it shows. Lord, please make this my final day one. Friends, please rally for me. I cannot do this any longer. yes, I'm sober now, but last night wasn't good. fortunately I was in bed before hubby came home. I know I can ask for help but in the end the only one that can help me is me.

[Pavati]

Re: Newbies Nest

Hi, All:

BELLE! Welcome back. of course we are here for you. I know you know this, but all of those stressors will seem smaller if you're handling them sober and un-hungover. What is your plan for today and tonight?

Touch - I had a very hard time with forever. I was what I would call "functional." I didn't miss work, didn't drive under the influence, didn't change personalities and get angry or sad, and most days didn't over do it. But the last year, drinking started really amping up, so I tried to "moderate." I went a month without, but boy did I rejoin the drinking with a bang. I started drinking more every night, and to paraphrase Robin Williams, started breaking my standards faster than I could lower them. This all culminated in what I have come to call the Thanksgiving Massacre. I drank too much four days in a row, including one night at a local bar at a reunion so all of the people I hadn't seen in years got to see me drunk. I felt so down on myself, and so physically awful, and I knew I had to quit. I felt the same as you - I had fully accepted that it had to happen, so I was never worried about alcohol in my house, or being around it in any way. That acceptance made everything else work. Once I accepted that I could never drink again and keep the life I wanted, I adjusted from there. Alcohol would NEVER be the answer to what to do when stressed, celebrating, anxious, etc. You sound great - keep it up.

I appreciate coming here and typing things like that. Even though I am 5.5 years without booze, it is a good exercise to remember how and why I am here, and to reflect on all I have gained. Thanks for letting me waffle.

Ava - those shits. I am glad that you stood up for yourself and gave them the answer you deserve. Did they tell you the criteria they think you're missing? I feel as though Lav should unleash the Stella and/or I can send you my brick to use.

Happy SOBER Thursday!

Pav

[Touch]

Re: Newbies Nest

Lavande, I've found people pleasing to be a problem in my life. Once, (as a policy, I don't eat sugar . . . though I drank my alcohol sugars pretty much daily), for breakfast on a camping trip, I ate a huge glazed doughnut topped with whipped cream and strawberry syrup because another camper invited us over to her motorhome for breakfast. I went with 3 other people who declined the massive breakfast dessert, (and 2 of the decliners were people who would eat a pastry for breakfast without blinking an eye)!
Again, I felt shame that I ate it, not wanting it at all, but feeling like I had to appreciate the effort she went into, the gift she was offering. Not eating it felt like a judgement of her, a rejection. Anyway, that's the kind of weird thought process I get going sometimes.
I think if in my heart, I was done with alcohol for good and not planning to moderate after I'm done with this period of abstinence, I would just say, "I don't drink anymore". But I'm not there yet. I have to tell you I have a healthy fear about going back, even for special occasions, but especially since a very close drinking buddy may be coming to stay for a couple of weeks in August. It's not for sure yet, but that will be the true test for me . . . again, going back in my mind to people pleasing. BUT, I'm not going that far into the future. If it even happens at all, it's 3 months away. And I believe I'll know before then what my life plan will be.
For today, I'm happy and grateful to wake up, finishing my 1st whole week (!) without alcohol, without a puffy red face, and most importantly without regrets!

[Touch]

Re: Newbies Nest

Pavati, thank you; the stories really do help me. 5 and a half years! That is fantastic! I think no alcohol has weirdly helped me with stress and anxiety. It's like my stress and anxiety were all coming from drinking! Now, the celebrating: that's the rub for me, but it's starting to feel possible, or at least in the realm of possibility . . .

[New Sunrise]

Re: Newbies Nest

Morning All!

Some really great posts on here!

Belle, we did miss you and I am sorry that you are having a hard time. Sometimes it takes getting sick and tired of being sick and tired before you can really keep that sober muscle strong. I mentioned before that I first got sober in AA and got a pocket full of newcomer chips before I realized that my slips weren't doing me any good at all. My life started sliding down hill fast. Get in from work, put purse down, take bottle out, and end barfing the evening barfing in the toilet. My personality changed as soon as I started drinking, I was nasty and would do the most unacceptable things and pass them off as acceptable. I would wake up in the morning and have to do my best to figure out exactly what I had done the night before. I was sober two years and got away with drinking moderately for a long time, till I didn't. Hubby is not a fan of drunks so I got to the point that I was drinking as soon as he left the house and had to get those bottles out on garbage day so that there was less of a chance of him finding a bottle. My personality was definitely changing again and my low was drinking a lot one night and not finishing the bottle so I went a head and finished the bottle at 6am to get it in the garbage because they come around 7am. It was time to stop! 11 weeks today!

Belle, get on here and post as often as you need to, it really helps to squash that AV.

Touch, I know it will be hard for you this weekend but do have a plan, plans work. I am glad that you do not have a clear bottom to point to make the decision not to drink, but I bet if you think back, there are lots of little bottoms. Like I said for me it was a lot of unacceptable behavior that really piled up the first time. Stay strong an post on here when you need to.

Slo, that was funny about the colonoscopy. I no longer have a choice about it. I did have ovarian cancer 7 years ago and did quite well with it, but now they check me for everything that might be cancerous, you just never know. The benign polyp thing is common in my family so I am not too worried about it, but it is always great when I hear back from that everything is okay. I am not happy about the 3 year club though.

Happy, good for you for checking in, even if it just to say hello.

Hubby has left this morning . A hard day the day he leaves and I have to go to the war zone in a little bit. I have asked hubby and daughter in the last two days to pick up bread and milk when they were out and both forgot. I have to go to the store . I feel pretty good about it though, not so tempted but I will not let my guard down. It has rained already this morning so I have a window of some decent weather. When I get back I will strip and stain some seat bottoms and a little chair that needs to be refinished. The chair was my grandfathers and my mother once redid it when my 50+ brother was little. It is time to do it again. The chair is kind of a funny piece of furniture for me, it reminds me of the tv show 'The Middle'. The youngest child is the third, what ever works child, as my brother was, and he sits at the dinner table in a lawn chair. This chair was once a bar stool type chair that my grand father sat on behind the cash register of his candy store when he retired. My dad made it into a dinner table chair for my brother but wound up cutting it down too much to get it level so my bother was always the munchkin at the table. It is just a great memory for me now and an excellent step stool in a pinch.

I hope everyone has a wonderful Sober Thursday! Belle, Happy and Touch, I am sending out good vibes to you!

[Touch]

Re: Newbies Nest

Lavande, I've found people pleasing to be a problem in my life. Once, (as a policy, I don't eat sugar . . . though I drank my alcohol sugars pretty much daily), for breakfast on a camping trip, I ate a huge glazed doughnut topped with whipped cream and strawberry syrup because another camper invited us over to her motorhome for breakfast. I went with 3 other people who declined the massive breakfast dessert, (and 2 of the decliners were people who would eat a pastry for breakfast without blinking an eye)!
Again, I felt shame that I ate it, not wanting it at all, but feeling like I had to appreciate the effort she went into. Not eating it felt like a judgement of her. Anyway, that's the kind of weird thought process I get going sometimes.
I think if in my heart, I was done with alcohol for good and not planning to moderate after I'm done with this period of abstinence, I would just say, "I don't drink anymore". But I'm not there yet. I have to tell you I have a healthy fear about going back, even for special occasions, but especially since a very close drinking buddy may be coming to stay for a couple of weeks in August. It's not for sure yet, but that will be the true test for me . . . again, going back in my mind to people pleasing. BUT, I'm not going that far into the future. If it even happens at all, it's 3 months away. And I believe I'll know before then what my life plan will be.
For today, I'm happy and grateful to wake up, finishing my 1st whole week (!) without alcohol, without waking up with a puffy red face, and most importantly without regrets!