Newbies Nest

[KENSHO]

Re: Newbies Nest

[MENTION=20476]KENSHO[/MENTION], you fooled me about how bad your problem was (and maybe yourself as well). I used to wonder why on earth you were on a Stop Drinking website for what sounded like a trivial problem. NS

NS's post threw me a little, and I had to rethink my past. My drinking really may have been trivial to some people. I was always honest here about the amount I consumed. It confused me first coming here when I didn't fit in with a more-per-night trend, and didn't have some of the other consequences like blackouts, ultimatums, lost jobs, etc. But I drank every single night and fought with myself every single afternoon, and I couldn't stop when I wanted to, which troubled me greatly. I think the important point is that all the disordered behaviors were the same: refilling and hiding bottles, rotating liquor stores, lying about the quantity to my husband, drinking any type of alcohol available, sneaking it out of family's and friend's cupboards, making plans around alcohol, drinking and driving, withdrawing within myself, hiding my breath, and using alcohol as my only and every coping mechanism.... I believe I was on track to be "that bad" a decade later, and my tolerance and drinking hour were changing. I will admit that your post NS gave me a pause to consider whether maybe I am not bad enough to stay quit. "Oh," I said to myself... "2-4 a night isn't that bad... maybe you CAN be a drinker." But after really thinking about this, what I'm choosing to leave behind is not the alcohol, as much as the obsession and the broken promises to myself. I couldn't stop when I tried, multiple times, and I never have to face that again. I am happier, calmer, healthier, and I deal with my problems and emotions rather than try to escape them. I may not have been a raging alcoholic by quantity, but I was a very disordered drinker. What hiding and sneaking does to a person is terrible.

Anyway, just had to get that out, and its an opportunity to reaffirm my path. I imagine myself going back to drinking now, and I immediately feel that sinking feeling of giving a part of myself away somehow. Disrespecting myself. Not because of a measly couple servings of alcohol, but because of how it made me behave and feel about myself. It was me who googled "how to stop drinking" 5 years ago, and me who wrote poetry about alcohol the 7 years prior, and me who visited a therapist to try to "fix" myself so I didn't have the urge to drink every night, and it was me had a really, really hard time quitting my habit. And I never want to go through that again.

[lukalee]

Re: Newbies Nest

Thanks for posting Kensho. I wish I quit 10, 5, or even 1 year ago. Alcoholism is a progressive disease, the longer we wait, the worse it gets. The sooner we realize this, the better off we are. Great reflection that no you cannot drink. Hugs

[daisy45]

Re: Newbies Nest

got caught up in the madness of drinking again......more fool me! I need to stay here and stay focussed on being sober.

[lukalee]

Re: Newbies Nest

Good morning nesters. Starting day 4 for me. Still feel like crap, but it is slowly getting better. I'm just hoping this tinnitus is not permanent. Daisy, stick to the boards, read, rest, and baby yourself as much as you can. I know in my heart, mind, and soul that this needs to be my last quit or my body and mind will quit me. Take good care of yourself :hug:

[daisy45]

Re: Newbies Nest

Thanks Buzzkill, that's exactly how I feel. And self-care is so important....
I'll occupy my evening with the gym and a swim today.

[Pavati]

Re: Newbies Nest

Hi, Everyone:

Kensho - I am so glad you're here, and have enjoyed your thoughtful posts. First, the best thing for me and my marriage was to finally accept that my husband couldn't be everything for me. He and I are compatible in a number of ways, but he was never going to be the "stay up until 4am to discuss life" type of friend. He won't plan a backpacking trip. He's not going to lead me into healthy eating. HOWEVER, the question I ask is "is my life better with him in it." For sure it is a yes. That acceptance has meant the world to me. I'm not sure how old your kids are, but our marriage was very strained when the kids were little. It is so easy to get into a "work partner" relationship when you're juggling work, day care, recitals, etc. Hang in there (or don't if it really isn't working...) As for your drinking - it is hard to conceive of 2-4 drinks a night with all of the other behaviors you describe - sneaking alcohol, driving, shots at 4pm, etc. That's what is confusing. I, too, wondered why you were here at first. I think your first posts downplayed the role alcohol played in your life. And as NS always points out, it isn't even the amount that we should worry about - it is the effect it has on our lives. Thanks for bringing up important topics here - you got this!

HI DAISY! I'm sorry you've been drinking but glad you came back. Hang tight here - here's the butt velcro.

Buzzkill - Day 4! That's amazing. I'm sorry you're not sleeping, but it will come.

Lav - so cool that your grandson wants to spend time with you. I hope that project ends up being a nice addition to your neighborhood, although I can see how it could be a nuisance if it is too popular.

Happy SOBER Thursday.
Pav

[NoSugar]

Re: Newbies Nest

Anyone who makes it to a forum like this most likely needs to quit drinking because whatever the amount, it has become a problem.

I know I initially minimized the extent of my problem in terms of quantity and weird addictive drinking behaviors. I also did not reveal how shattered my life was. I wasn't lying on purpose, I just hadn't allowed myself to see my own truth. It was only after reading and posting here and losing some of the shame and guilt that I was able to admit to myself and my new support friends that I had no control over how much I drank, that drinking had become the focus of my life, and that I no longer valued that life. All of that came out slowly as post by post I was able to face my situation. I also drank less in quantity than many people here described and at first I tried to convince myself I wasn't 'that bad'. But like [MENTION=20191]Pavati[/MENTION] mentioned, the amount consumed does not reflect the addiction.

I am very sorry, [MENTION=20476]KENSHO[/MENTION], if what I wrote made you think you might be able to drink safely. I certainly did not intend that and based on your posts, it appears that not drinking has transformed your life is so many positive ways.

[Matt M.]

Re: Newbies Nest

Howdy
Some amazing post and topics these last few days. When I first started around these parts, I would often feel a little embarrassed and or shameful of the things and stories that I had done or been apart of while drinking. Silly as that sounds I really felt like an anomaly. I soon realized that couldn't be farther from the truth. Yes we all come from different walks of life yet in a almost surreal freakish way we are SO much alike.
Just about every story that has been told here, I can relate to, I can read it and think OMG! Me too!
Some don't but I believe Alcoholism is a disease, a very progressive, debilitating, hereditary and terminal disease. Unlike other diseases ours is "curable" or easily placed in remission, only thing we have to do is stop drinking, work on ourselves mind and body, clean up the debris field and make amends to our loved ones all while staying connected to our support groups.
I almost feel blessed to have this particular disease, despite the fact that it was likely going to be the death of me, I feel blessed, because I can survive this, it's not a death sentence. The only thing I can't do is turn my back on it, I must face it head on everyday, consciously and subconsciously. I must stay hard and hold fast!

Kensho- thank you so very much for letting us into your life and sharing your stories, you have no idea how hearing these and reading the amazing advice and stories of others, helps our own healing.
N.S. and Pav you ladies make a difference in these rooms, thank you

[KENSHO]

Re: Newbies Nest

it is hard to conceive of 2-4 drinks a night with all of the other behaviors you describe - sneaking alcohol, driving, shots at 4pm, etc. That's what is confusing.

Here's how.
Believing that drinking 2-4 a night was not a good thing for a woman (and it's not), I would often have a little in front of the family and friends, and sneak the rest. I would stop at the store on the way home and drink 1 in the car that no one noticed, then have one that people saw at dinner, then I'd sneak 1-2 more. I wanted it all night, and I HATED that I wasn't happy with 1-2 drinks - so I hid anything beyond that. If we went out to dinner, I had a drink in the open, then at 10 or 11 pm at home, I'd run down to the basement while the husband was taking the dog out, and take another shot. OR, while doing boring work, I'd get 1-2 shots mid-afternoon, then when the family came home, act like I hadn't had any (because who does that?!) and then act like the one at dinner was my first. 10 sneaked shots in a week makes a noticeable difference in a bottle of whisky, so once a week or so, I'd have to buy little ones and refill the bar bottle. Then it became easier to just get the little ones (or the big ones) and just hide them in my desk drawer and work closet (or pantry bottom shelf, or underwear drawer or car middle console) to sip from. Maybe I'm a lightweight, but 3 drinks made me pretty buzzed and 4 made me slur. I'd be sure I stood away from neighbors when borrowing a cup of flour at 5pm, if I'd already had 1-2 shots so they couldn't smell it - then I'd have my ceremonial 3rd drink at dinner to appear as my first. I didn't want to be the girl asking for that third drink at my mom's house, so I'd wait until they went downstairs to play pool and I'd sneak a shot of whatever they had in front of their liquor cabinet. I WANTED alcohol with my every cell, thought about it constantly, every single night, until I went to bed, and sometimes after I went to bed. I was really good at stopping at 4 because I felt like shit the next day and had to function and run a business. But I obsessed about it and hid drinking more then about 5 drinks a week - which means that I hid and/or snuck about 16 drinks a week. For 10 years.

I didn't know you all wondered why I was here. Maybe I don't really belong. It was never about "drinking" way too much for me, it was about "wanting it" way too much, and hiding it.

[SoberJ]

Re: Newbies Nest

Hi Everyone!

Just wanted to say hello - that I am here and it is the first day of the rest of my life - today I finally made the decision to never ever intoxicate myself deliberately again - I will face up to life with respect and know that the first half of my life was simply for me to live the second half of it properly and sober - done is the victim, done is the voice inside that says "oh only one won't hurt" because it will hurt, it has hurt but hurt it will do no more, I am finished using drink and drugs to cover up my pain and my mistakes - time to face up to them! Very excited to be here, very excited to be have such a group available and very excited to getting to know you all as we all bravely go forward into this new, unexplored life - sober and happy - for the life we deserve!

That's my intro - promise to be slightly less dramatic from now on!

Have a lovely day all

[NoSugar]

Re: Newbies Nest

[MENTION=20476]KENSHO[/MENTION], the paragraph you wrote above shows that you absolutely belong here and we are so glad you are :hug:. You have written posts that have touched my heart and reminded me why I've made this choice. What you wrote is exactly what I've been trying to say about addiction not correlating with amounts. That head game you describe that I also played was much harder to take than any of the physical consequences. I was referring to the Kensho I "knew" when you first joined and I probably was jealous, thinking that if I only had a couple drinks a night (and did not have the psychological fall out), I wouldn't need to quit.

Welcome, [MENTION=24392]SoberJ[/MENTION]! You sound like you have definitely changed your mind :smile:. I would have to live to 110 to have the second half of my life alcohol free so that's probably not going to happen! It's a good goal to shoot for, though! All the best, NS

[Byrdlady]

Re: Newbies Nest

Hey all!
Welcome, Sober! So glad you found us! I also poisoned myself the first half of my life (if I plan to live to 102). I finally got hold of myself and so glad I did. You'll be glad, too!
Kensho, the behavior you describe is ME! I hated all that sneaking. Of course, during my 30's and early 40's I was having 2-4 drinks until it escalated and there at the end I would sneak in my closet and take 7 gulps from a hidden vodka bottle. Heck with a shot, I had 7 gulps. I was actually shocking myself. All I can say is thank goodness you had the good sense to quit before you did get to a state of ruin! No matter the amount, we're all in the team photo, so we are thrilled that you are here and love what you have to say and share. I think you are one of the smartest people I know for so many reasons.
AL isn't good for anybody! In any amount! It affects every cell in our bodies. Every single one of us should thank our lucky stars that we are taking the steps to slam the door on that crap! I am 3095 days sober and I wouldn't trade all the AL in the world for my quit! I worked too hard! At $10/day, I've saved over $30K. Can you imagine how grateful my liver is for not having to process all that? Holy moly!
Daisy, I was thinking of you today! OMG, what a coincidence. You sent me THE most beautiful card when my dad passed away, I'll never forget that. Sit close, we're going to begin a new day! I'm so glad you're here.
Hugs to all, Byrdie

[Lavande]

Re: Newbies Nest

Good evening Nesters,

Getting rained on in a big way again, not that we needed it, oh well!

Kensho, your description of your drinking behavior made my skin crawl a little because that was also me!
Whatever it was that drove us here we are fortunate & blessed to have found each other & a calm nest to get our bearings. We never have to worry about repeating those self-defeating behaviors again because we don’t drink!!!

Daisy, sorry you decided to drink again but I’m sure happy to see you back in the nest!
Even after 10+ years I still check in daily, it’s my routine. Get your plan updated, cover all your triggers & stay close :hug:

Sober J, hello & welcome, glad you found us!
Closing the door permanently on AL has helped so many of us find the life we were meant to live. Check in daily & ask if you need help.

NS, I quit at 55 too so we’ll have to keep each other company until we’re 110, LOL

Hello to Byrdie, Pav, G, wags & everyone checking in tonight.
Have a safe night in the nest!

Lav

[STEADFAST]

Re: Newbies Nest

Hi Everyone,

Lots of great posts here, many of which resonate strongly with my own feelings and experiences. I look back and shudder at the lengths I went to (and what a daily struggle that was) to hide my problem. So glad to be free of all that.

And the posts regarding unsupportive partners ring very true. I love [MENTION=20191]Pavati[/MENTION]'s take on her situation. Have been thinking about this a lot, and I know when I accept my relationship for what is is (and more importantly, what it isn't) it seems to take the pressure off both DH and me. This is an ongoing learning process.

Welcome to the new Newbies, and best wishes to all,
Steady

[Matt M.]

Re: Newbies Nest

Here's how.
Believing that drinking 2-4 a night was not a good thing for a woman (and it's not), I would often have a little in front of the family and friends, and sneak the rest. I would stop at the store on the way home and drink 1 in the car that no one noticed, then have one that people saw at dinner, then I'd sneak 1-2 more. I wanted it all night, and I HATED that I wasn't happy with 1-2 drinks - so I hid anything beyond that. If we went out to dinner, I had a drink in the open, then at 10 or 11 pm at home, I'd run down to the basement while the husband was taking the dog out, and take another shot. OR, while doing boring work, I'd get 1-2 shots mid-afternoon, then when the family came home, act like I hadn't had any (because who does that?!) and then act like the one at dinner was my first. 10 sneaked shots in a week makes a noticeable difference in a bottle of whisky, so once a week or so, I'd have to buy little ones and refill the bar bottle. Then it became easier to just get the little ones (or the big ones) and just hide them in my desk drawer and work closet (or pantry bottom shelf, or underwear drawer or car middle console) to sip from. Maybe I'm a lightweight, but 3 drinks made me pretty buzzed and 4 made me slur. I'd be sure I stood away from neighbors when borrowing a cup of flour at 5pm, if I'd already had 1-2 shots so they couldn't smell it - then I'd have my ceremonial 3rd drink at dinner to appear as my first. I didn't want to be the girl asking for that third drink at my mom's house, so I'd wait until they went downstairs to play pool and I'd sneak a shot of whatever they had in front of their liquor cabinet. I WANTED alcohol with my every cell, thought about it constantly, every single night, until I went to bed, and sometimes after I went to bed. I was really good at stopping at 4 because I felt like shit the next day and had to function and run a business. But I obsessed about it and hid drinking more then about 5 drinks a week - which means that I hid and/or snuck about 16 drinks a week. For 10 years.

I didn't know you all wondered why I was here. Maybe I don't really belong. It was never about "drinking" way too much for me, it was about "wanting it" way too much, and hiding it.

If there was any doubt on whether or not you belonged here, the information you

just

shared solidifies that you definitely do belong here. Once again I said "me too!" after reading the ways you hid and connived regarding Alcohol. I've never given a thought of whether you should be here or not, I can say I had no idea regarding your history in until now.
Stay hard my friend