Newbies Nest

[jane27]

Re: Newbies Nest

Hi Nesters,

It was a comfort to read your posts especially those from my quit family. Welcome Outofchances. As I began my quit journey I started to realize that the core of my drinking habit was the fact that I found my life so utterly uncomfortable. I also remember being angry and resentful of the people around me for expecting me to act in ways I didn’t want to. Still, I continued agreeing to lunches with friends and relatives I had to get bombed to get through, and making promises that I had to drink in order to keep. It’s awkward and uncomfortable putting a new face forward. Learning to say No to things that made me anxious was a biggie. In the beginning it included everything and I relied heavily on the Nest for support and feedback. As Pav said, you’re definitely not out of chances but it sounds like you’re tired of your life as you have known it. Have you ever tried to picture something you’d like to see in a new life without the burden of AL on your back?

I do reminisce about the warm feeling that being drunk could provide me. Those warm times were few and far between behaving badly, being overly dramatic, paranoid, making an ass out of myself, feeling like a shameful train wreck. Here’s the kicker, in sobriety I still have warm moments and a lot of the rest of if too, but I never feel the shame, hangovers and regrets that came with getting obliterated & being shackled to AL. Most importantly, as much as I can be, I’m in control of my life.

Love and good health to all

[outofchances]

Re: Newbies Nest

Hi Nesters,

It was a comfort to read your posts especially those from my quit family. Welcome Outofchances. As I began my quit journey I started to realize that the core of my drinking habit was the fact that I found my life so utterly uncomfortable. I also remember being angry and resentful of the people around me for expecting me to act in ways I didnÂ’t want to. Still, I continued agreeing to lunches with friends and relatives I had to get bombed to get through, and making promises that I had to drink in order to keep. ItÂ’s awkward and uncomfortable putting a new face forward. Learning to say No to things that made me anxious was a biggie. In the beginning it included everything and I relied heavily on the Nest for support and feedback. As Pav said, youÂ’re definitely not out of chances but it sounds like youÂ’re tired of your life as you have known it. Have you ever tried to picture something youÂ’d like to see in a new life without the burden of AL on your back?

I do reminisce about the warm feeling that being drunk could provide me. Those warm times were few and far between behaving badly, being overly dramatic, paranoid, making an ass out of myself, feeling like a shameful train wreck. HereÂ’s the kicker, in sobriety I still have warm moments and a lot of the rest of if too, but I never feel the shame, hangovers and regrets that came with getting obliterated & being shackled to AL. Most importantly, as much as I can be, IÂ’m in control of my life.

Love and good health to all

Wow. I can identify with so much of that. The truth is I have done this before in what seems like another life - 1992 I think. I was very young and lasted a few years. Yeah, it was tough, but I also remember a lot of the benefits. I did curse the self awareness it gave me when I went back to drinking etc. My warmest moments have always been sober (as in not drunk). I've manage to ruin more moments with AL though.

The question you pose scares me. Not because I can't imagine a life without AL, because I can. It'd because, after reading what you've written, I'm seriously thinking was I using AL (and other addictions) to just help me cope with my life as it was. That I was stuck in a never ending loop of drinking because I was unhappy with my life, which caused more problems in my life, which lead to more unhappiness. Maybe I was prepared to be discontent in order to be secure. I just scares me that maybe I've spent half my life trying to be happy in a situation where maybe I was never going to be happy.

I'm still totally freaked out at the way my drinking has gone the last few months - and by that I just mean a number of massive one night binges resulting in aggression, police involvement, 3 day hangovers, shame and guilt and me turning into the actual complete opposite of what I wanted to be as a man. I'm typing this from my parents spare bedroom - which at my age is just sad. And as much as I tried to picture a nice happy family life without AL, I was never really free of the negative thought patterns and pleasure seeking in some brief periods of "not drinking".

I hope this makes sense

[julia1970]

Re: Newbies Nest

hi chances, we cross posted yesterday!
i don't want to be a smart ass here by calling you this, but i agree with the others: you are not out of chances. this moment is exactly where you have your chance. besides, everyone's nickname gets shortened here, and this one sounded good.
i am three months sober now without the use of meds, and i never imagined this was possible. i was severly addicted for 30 years, and relapsed everytime i tried to quit. when i came here in December i thought wow, these people... years of sobriety...!
a large part of me thought: well it is different for them. although i couldn't think how so, as they all had been all addicts just like me. it's just that it seemed so out of reach to me, that it was easier to think it was different for them, then to step into this unknown territory of sobriety and letting go of the familiar misery with my imaginary friends al and pot. the only difference was that these people have walked this walk i was just taking my first steps on. they can look back at it already, while i'm not able to see shit yet! (well, i was seeing a lot of shit actually, but you know what i mean).
i even preferred spending my evenings alone drinking and puffing away above seeing the love of my life. i saw myself throwing that away. i felt guilty over it. but guilt is not the same as responsibility (they may even be conflicting). responsibility is feeling the pain, not drowning in it, but sitting with it, having a good and firm look at it and deciding i don't want any more of this. i don't know how, i have no clue where, but i'm going to find out.
taking it day by day, hour by hour even in the beginning. because it's unknown territory, trying to look at what's coming in a week or a month or tomorrow or whatever can be tricky because all your references are based on the old life. looking too far ahead can lead to defeatism.

some things that help me a lot: post here every day. connection to me is one of the most important ingredients of keeping my sobriety. loneliness and struggling alone for me has always been a oneway ticket back into the arms of my imaginary friends. posting here also keeps me away from making excuses. they don't make excuses. so i have no ticket to do so either.
and what i learned here: make a plan. very practical. choosing to be sober is the first thing, but you also need a plan to make that choice happen. in a very practical way, what will i do when i get home, what will i drink, what will i eat, what will i do. what will i do when i don't know what to do anymore.
and suck in everything the people here have to offer. there's so much experience here with walking the road you (and i) have just begun. that's so valuable.

three months later i can look back and see that i am actually IN a sober life now. no need to look ahead. this is just what i want to do now, and also tomorrow. and longer. i feel that too. somethimes i can even see how i'll be doing this for the rest of my life. it would be great. but no need to dwell on that.
i am SO relieved that i am here right now! i'm learning everyday, growing up, finding the freedom to choose how i want to act in my life, not letting myself be decided by circumstances.

okay, end of preach for now i have to cool down. i had a crazy day because this morning i forgot to take the last drop of antidepressants i am still on and then the universe stared testing me (more like: i encountered some people that were really pushing my boundaries). i didn't give in, ánd stayed friendly, but with the agitation from missing that dose (even such a small dose has such a huge effect..!) man it was a roller coaster! getting home i took the dose immediately but i think it still hasn't quite kicked in. hence the rant here

breath out....

hugs to you all

edit: we cross posted again!

[outofchances]

Re: Newbies Nest

Thanks Pavati. You've made me smile.

[outofchances]

Re: Newbies Nest

Thanks Guitarista. Work is fine, an non alcohol environment. Putting it down was never an issue. Leaving it down always was. I'm a binger, who lulls himself into a false sense of security with a few dry weeks, and some "responsible" drinking. I've had some recovery before many moons ago - sometimes it feels like I'm constantly swinging between sobriety with no support and addiction.

[outofchances]

Re: Newbies Nest

Thanks Julia. I'm on antidepressants too - for depression, believe it or not. But I've not been very good lately at taking them properly, so mood swings abound.

Thank you for the pep talk, I really needed it. There are a lot of similarities, and some differences between the paths our addictions took, but it has brought us to the same point surely - enough being enough, and wanting to start on the path to recovery

And to everyone else - sorry for the multi post spamming. If I was on a desktop, I can be pretty good with the multi quoting, but I'm not and I'm just frantically replying to people who have mentioned me! Thanks everyone, I'm starting to feel an a bit of hope.

[narilly]

Re: Newbies Nest

Hello everyone.
I went grocery shopping today for a few neighbours, mom and myself and the grocery store was out of eggs, frozen veggies, some produce, flour, and other stuff. How crazy is that? Anyway, I wore my mask and got in and out quickly. What a strange time.

Out of Chances, You are not out of chances! You have as many as you want so take them. Like Pav and others said, you've got this. Take it one day at a time and focus on not drinking today and the days will start to add up. We have all struggled at the beginning of our quits and for some of us it took years to finally quit. Keep after it.

Pav, my hubby is here from site (up north) and he tries to keep his distance, use separate towels etc. It is kinda hard because there are 4 of us living here but so far so good.

Have a good day everyone and don't drink today.

[Lavande]

Re: Newbies Nest

Good evening Nesters,

Awaiting some big storm here, don’t know what’s holding it up, haha!
Had a productive day with inside projects & lots of mask sewing. I went to the local hospital today just to pick up their ‘sewing kit’. I have to put together 40-50 masks with the materials they gave me so I’ll be busy for a while. No chance of me getting into trouble anytime soon!

Chances, (that’s your new name), glad to see you sticking around & getting to know folks. We all have our unique stories & history yet we have all figured out how to fix the AL problem. Kick it out of your life once & for all then never ever worry about it again. We are all so much better off now, you can do it too

Narilly, glad your husband made it back home OK. The store shelves are empty everywhere, scary looking don’t you think?

Hello to G, Byrdie, Pav, Kensho & everyone.
Wishing a safe night in the nest for all!

Lav

[wagmor]

Re: Newbies Nest

Welcome Chances! Really glad to have you with us. The nest is a fabulous place where we support each other -- long-timers and newbies alike -- on this journey of living our best sober lives. Although everyone's story is individual, there are so many things we can all relate to, things we've said or thought or done, etc. I agree with the others that you are not out of chances at all. You are taking the steps to make another chance right now, by being here, by sharing your story, by reflecting on your own patterns and behaviors, etc. I'm not sure if anyone has mentioned the Tool Box yet, but it's a fantastic thread with all sorts of posts that share tools for protecting your quit, words of motivation, suggestions for how to Make A Plan (so that this quit isn't just something you leave to circumstance, which we all know is a recipe for failure). If you haven't headed over there yet I highly encourage you to poke around and see what all is in there. There's a link in the signature line at the bottom of my posts vvv

Nar - glad you were able to shop for several people but the empty shelves are quite an eerie sight aren't they? It is indeed a strange time.

Lav - that's so great that you're sewing masks. I badly wish we had a machine (and a place to set one up!). I've tried instead to contribute by donating $ toward mask-making materials for a few sewists I know.

Jane - so great to see you!

Julia - sounds like you're feeling somewhat better, which is great news. You seem very strong and stable right now.


I actually had a full day of online teaching today - one of the fullest in over a month. It felt good to get some of my routine back. We're finally starting to hear how the big test companies are going to adapt their tests and administer them remotely in May and probably June, which I think is making students more confident about moving forward with test prep and school plans. I also got THREE new student inquiries in the past 24 hours, and will be meeting with two of them (one Fri, one Sat) to discuss working together.

Ok, it's getting late and I should unwind a bit before hopefully a good night's sleep. Our pup wasn't feeling well this evening and I'm hoping she has a good night (which helps me have a good night too!).

Happy Friday or almost Friday everyone!

[available]

Re: Newbies Nest

Evening nesters

Julia what a great post. I came on here thinking the long termers had it easy too. I think that was the denial in me and an excuse of why there was no point in me even trying but luckily i had a huge wealth of support on here to get me on the right track and to pick a quit date as i seemed to be waffling about that one. Never did i think i would be sober newarly 6 1/2 years, never did i think i could be sober for any bit of time to be proud of but each day i was sober the more i realised that i could do this. I still never thought i could get a year up. When we get out of the fog of being drunk etc we do feel a sense of hope and that we can achieve something in our life.

wags, happy to hear your work is picking up, we definitely need something to take our minds of this world atm, other than drinking that is.

Jane, lovely of you to pop in, hope all is well with you and the family and you have recovered from your accident, xx

Nar, glad you have hubs home. i have signed up on a site for people needing things done, not heard anything as yet. I am off to give blood on Tuesday. I figure since i can sew a straight line i will donate my time.

Lav, how are your chooks going? Did hubs get the all clear for his melanoma? They are saying here that they need scrubs made for nurses and drs. I have sent mum the link.

Chances, just do one day at a time or one minute. Some days are better than others. Many times i just wanted to give in and let al win but the thought of coming on here and telling all of the people that helped me made me think twice and to also post on here how i felt. Learning to cope in situations was a big thing also. I never understood when others said i had to have a plan when i went out that i had to gather tools to deal with situations. Now i have a tool bag full for different situations, nothing and no one will make me drink again. The only person who can do that is me. I had awful anxiety when i was drinking and was on xanax and ad's. now my anxiety is controllable although i am on ad's and i accept that, its part of who i am but is no way near as bad as what it was.

Today i planted some peas and did some whipper snipping. It appears to have become a competion this diamond printing between my daughter, son and myself. Its been years since we sat down and did actually communicated for hours and laughed and enjoyed each others company. There are good things that have come out of this situation. We have a plan for monopoly on Sunday. We cant do too much in one day as then we have to fill the other days.

Happy Good Friday to all. Take care and be safe xx

[paulywogg]

Re: Newbies Nest

Morning nesters, welcome Chances Narilly, we did a couple of shopping trips yesterday and they were completely out of flour, yeast I don't get that if there's bread on the shelves? Also no handsoap which is weird, these people stock up on stuff and leave nothing for anyone else, Ava, I was gonna buy those diamond kits for Christmas but ended up just getting the girls these paint pens instead, they do look cool tho, Lav, you'll be one busy sewer! Lb made us masks and I think she did 6 really quick, I'm having a hard time with the mask and it's frustrating me! Yesterday I had to just put Romeo's shirt over my head and lower part of my face cuz the mask was just killing me, they say to practice wearing it at home so you get used to it, maybe I'll do that, waves to the gang and wishes for a nice day for us all!

[outofchances]

Re: Newbies Nest

Hi all and thanks for the shout outs! Today I'm finding not so easy. I'm working nights tonight, which leaves a long empty day. I've never drank before a night shift - one area of my life where I've managed to retain some self discipline. My current living situation along with the lockdown means I really can't do much except stay in this small bedroom all day until it's time to go to work. The plus side is that I have 2 long nights to do, which means plenty to be getting on with. The downside is I'm approaching my weak spot - my days off. I'm really back to basics here. I'll have to find someway to stave off the boredom. If I was at home, I could find plenty of things to do, but that's just not an option at present. The emotional pain is starting to bubble up to surface now. First the sense of loss and sadness that I've lost my family for now, then the shame and anger at myself because the realisations of how much of a continuous nightmare I have been whether drunk or not. This is the bit where the depression kicks in. Then that leads to self pity. Then the anger and blame gets pointed outwards. That's when the walls go up - "I might have done x but that's only because she did y". And the excuses - "I work hard for all of them and this is how they treat me? I deserve a break! " Anything to prevent myself from facing up to the truth about myself. The upshot of all this is generally the conclusion that I'm nowhere near as bad as "they" all make me out to be. Can anyone guess what happens next? That's right - sure I'll just have a couple of drinks to wind down. And here we go again. God, even as I typed the bit about the couple drinks I smiled and felt happy. I guess for now all I have to do is not drink for the next few hours until it's time for work. I need to use my time off to start going through the various tools on this site and see if that helps

[Pavati]

Re: Newbies Nest

Hi, All:

Chances, I think you hit the nail on the head when you said you'd go periods without drinking, but that you didn't change anything else - that's called a dry drunk. Here's what worked for me:

1. Acceptance. Take alcohol OFF the table. You can't drink and have the life you want, so it isn't a choice any more. Instead of deciding whether or not to drink, decide what you will do instead of drinking when you feel stressed, anxious, alone, ashamed, happy, celebratory, etc. There are alternatives!

2. Check your ego. I was with Ava - I read around here and thought "these long timers have no idea..." Gratitude? I thought it was a bunch of new-age bs, but I cultivated a gratitude practice. It is humbling to admit that you have a big problem and need help fixing it. It is humbling to listen to others even when you have doubt, and follow what they do. Suspend disbelief. All of the sober people here have found a formula that works. Listen, admit that no matter what you are not different or special in this disease.

3. Exercise and self care. These feel indulgent and self centered when you're feeling like an ass who has ruined everything. How can I focus on ME when I've made a mess of things elsewhere? You can't deal with that elsewhere unless you are healthy and centered yourself. Read here, make a plan, take a bath, read other sober blogs and memoirs, sleep, eat well, etc. It is taking care of those you love by taking care of yourself when you are working on being sober. As Byrdie will remind you, relapse happens when you feel Hungry, Angry, Lonely or Tired (HALT). There is a lot of wisdom in the Tool Box (see Byrdie's signature), and ideas for self care.

4. Love yourself. When I was VERY upset and angry with myself, a therapist reminded me to love myself. Talk to yourself as though you were talking to your child. What IF your child had the same problem? You wouldn't hate him, you would love him and encourage him to get support and make a change. Don't dwell in the past, move forward.

There are so many other things that have helped. I guess I felt like writing those out today as a reminder to myself. In this weird and uncertain time it would be easy to have "just a few" to take the edge off. No way am I going back there.

Love to you nesters. Sorry for the Friday waffle.

Pav

[outofchances]

Re: Newbies Nest

Thanks Pav. I've have heard all of this before and have even practised it before. But it's good to see it written down like that. There is a tipping point for me, a trigger or group of triggers that I haven't been able to figure out. Probably because I've been trying to do this alone or with the bare minimum of occasional counselling. It seems I'm always at least 2 of the HALT. Back to basics then, and no more excuses.

[jane27]

Re: Newbies Nest

Chances, The physical addiction to AL is a huuuuuuuuuuuge art of the problem in the earlier days of quitting. You’ll see lots of posts referring to AL as though is a living being because it’s addictive hold on us manifests itself in many ways. Engaging in debates and conversations is right at the top of that list. It’s not difficult at all to come around to the justification that you got the short end of the stick, are being treated badly, it’s just for today... it’s endless. If you (global sense) feel that drinking has become a negative and controlling factor in your life, regardless of anything else, (ie who you disappoint, the life you’ve lost, the financial hole, judgment by friends and family) and you continue to drink, you can be 100% certain it will be the same day over and over again and gradually things will decline more. This is true for all problem drinkers. There is evidence of that here on MWO, in documentaries, in black and white data via statistics. If you’re the kind of person that knows how to get things done, and I believe you are, this is going to be a project that requires total mental reconditioning. Can you think of anything you can build into your day that would make you feel good (without making the exercise moot by countering that impulse with self judgment?)Can you think of 3 things you’d like to see in your new, sober life?

Hi Ava & Wags...thanks for the shoutouts. I am in very good shape after the last 2 surgeries and much more at peace with my car accident. How about you Wags? Ava, I know you must miss Maddy, was sad to she’d crossed the rainbow bridge.

Hubs has been working from home and both boys come back to us this evening. I feel like a residential cook but I like what I produce and that wasn’t always the case. Credit: Blue Apron.

Love & strength to all