Newbies Nest

[available]

Re: Newbies Nest

Morning nesters

Lav, hope your chickens get some reprieve soon. i hate oppressive heat that continues day in and out. happy to hear its too hot for the snakes though.

Slo, i do hope your daughter can have a baby. i fell pregnant so easily and would have had 10 babies if i could have afforded it. You dont realise how lucky you are sometimes. fingers and toes are crossed for her. i hope you enjoy your time away with your daughter and good on you for standing up to hubs.

Byrd, the guy i am seeing is having his caratacts done on 2nd September with a fancy lens of course. he is really looking forward to it especially after i told him about your success. the only issue is i have to play nurse and i hate doing that! Like you Byrd i am an all or nothing girl.

Wags, are you doing anything exciting in your week off other than melting? I have my long weekend booked for October but at this stage we are in complete lockdown until 2nd September so i am hoping we can get away. Glad your dad is on the mend and listenening!

LC and Belle, giving up al was one of the hardest things i ever had to do. i didnt love myself or like myself anymore. I stood in front of my mirror and really looked at what al had and was doing to me. i saw someone who was very sad and didnt care about much. i gave up drinking for my children, i didnt want them to live their life without me in it. i never thought i would have this fantastic life i have now, i never thought i could stop drinking when i had failed before. My children didnt think so either. Remember lunatic Linda? posted posted and posted some more, went on holidays to thailand and my mother thought i was on a dating site but i was on MWO (cost me a fortune). I had to be accountable every single breathing minute that i had one thought of al. i remember turning in circles one night as i just wanted to buy al and have a drink. but i kept marking my calendar off every day that i didnt drink and i focused on ME. I had to be selfish to heal. I learnt to say no if i did not feel i could do something and i had some very unhappy children but i have always been open with them about my drinking. i learnt gratitude that the sun was shining or i had done a load of washing and i learnt to love me. I carried out my three tasks a day to not overwhelm myself. Now nearly 8 years later those early days are vague but i cant ever forget what it was like and i dont want to. I love my life now, i have every tool in my belt that i need today. As i said to a friend i am helping, they start off with one tool to help them with sobriety but every time they do something that involves al and gets through it they then have another tool to use when needed. I am like G, i didnt think forever when i started, i couldnt but now i never want to drink. i hate al, i see what it does, i see the people around drinkers and what they are going through. I was like that, i caused pain to my children, even though i didnt realise i was. I just wasnt there for them fully. Now i am. Thank you both for the reminder of my early days and the struggles.

Well i had better get back to work. Feeling done with covid and lockdowns now. Aldi is my favourite go to to get out and shop, thankfully i can still walk with carl. Hopefully all the covidiots will behave and stop spreading this variant. At least i am vaccinated though not any advantages at this stage.

take care xx

[Lavande]

Re: Newbies Nest

Greetings Nesters,

Overcast but cooler all so no complaining from me. Looks like the rest of the week will be rainy, that’s OK too.

Belle, I remember the pain of dropping my daughter off at college clear across the state. I was very lonely & left alone at home with a husband, son & father, none of them great company. But this is actually a good time for you to turn your attention to yourself & fix what’s broken. Kick AL out of your life for you, your kids & your peace of mind. Next time your husband speaks to you in an ignorant fashion you will be better prepared to hand it right back to him. No one should be treated like that, sorry. I mentioned acceptance to LC the other day & that really is the ticket. Accept the fact that AL is not your friend & not helping you deal with life in any way. Give up the fight now & move on to better things. Make this your final quit & keep it going!

Byrdie, you continue to amaze us with your beautiful chocolate creations, very nice

Elvis, hello to you! Our nest has always been in forward motion!

LC, day 2 is done now for you. Good job!!!

Ava, I remember your trip to Thailand with your mom & you did such a great job staying on plan & staying in touch with us.
Keep enjoying your Aldi trips, haha & say Hi to Carl for me

Hello to all & wishing everyone a safe night in the nest!

Lav

[Slo]

Re: Newbies Nest

I’m trying to have a good time on this vacation in Mexico, and finally am today, the second day; but HB had a big blowout fight with me over nothing the night before we left (I said, “Doors are open in the house and the A/C is running. I’ll turn the A/C off.”), and he said it’s proof that we can’t get along, so figure out if you want the house or if you’re moving out. I was shocked as it was an innocent observation on my part, and he reacted with such hostility. I was coming into the room to try to spend a little time with him, while he watched his sports on TV for eight hours straight. As I walked there, I saw the doors open, so commented on it and problem-solved. But World War Three erupted, and now there’s no more trying to salvage the marriage, or even stay together for another year or so while we wind things down, as he had previously said we could do. Now I’ll probably be served papers as soon as daughter leaves for college in a couple weeks.
It was so upsetting that I couldn’t sleep the night before we left, and kept bursting into tears and blubbering on the plane rides and on the first day. So not fair to daughter on her vacation, but I couldn’t help it.
I took my wedding rings off before we left; contacted my chosen lawyer today, and have set up our first official meeting for Thursday.
Sucks. But the marriage sucks too. Either way it sucks.

Goodnight, Nest.

[wagmor]

Re: Newbies Nest

Slo - I'm so sorry for what you're going through with your husband. It does indeed sound like the marriage sucks (to echo your words). Of course it hurts to have things come to and end, but you sound pretty miserable and honestly not treated very well. And you deserve far better than that. I hope you are able to enjoy the remaining time in Mexico with your daughter, and that the meeting with the lawyer brings you at least some peace of mind. Sending you 1000 hugs :hug:

Belle - Yikes, your husband sounds related to Slo's in some ways! I'm sorry you're dealing with that too, and especially on top of missing your kids. You are right though -- drinking is exactly the worst thing you can do in this situation.

Elvis - great to see you!


Today was my third day off but it was the first one where I really felt some relaxation set it. Like I finally believed I wasn't going to have to teach tomorrow. It has FINALLY cooled off enough to feel semi-normal for a summer in the Pacific NW. I guess I timed my week off well. It would have sucked to be off last week when even sitting, blinking, breathing made us sweat.

Hellos and waves to Lav, Ava, G, Byrdie and everyone else stopping by the nest. Hope the upcoming week treats you all well!

[wagmor]

Re: Newbies Nest

LC - I'm just now getting to the nest for the first time since you asked folks to share how they took al off the table. That was truly the key for me, and it still helps from time to time. Here are two things I did to really get my head around the "non-negotiable" aspect of al:

1) I made a list of several other things that are totally and clearly non-negotiable for me that I have very strong feelings about, like I would NEVER EVER hit my dog or my wife, even if I'm extremely frustrated with them, I would NEVER light firecrackers or drop a cigarette or build a campfire for that matter in a forest during a drought/fire ban, I would never shoot heroin or smoke crack, and I would NEVER let someone else get blamed/punished/fired/etc for something that was actually my fault. There were 5-6 things on the list to start with and I think I added 3-4 more over the first year or so. But the last thing on the initial list was drink. I noticed two things about my list of non-negotiables: they were all things I felt an almost visceral aversion to, and they were all things I wouldn't do because someone might get harmed. I decided I should include myself in that list of someones and treat myself with the same respect and value as I gave to others. I picked things I felt strongly about because I wanted to associate drinking with other things I felt solid about never doing.

2) I made a second list that grew gradually over time, and this list was of things that I could do instead of drinking when I was angry, sad, lonely, bored, celebratory, depressed, etc etc. I did NOT put drink on the list obviously. Listen to music, exercise, post or read here in the Nest, play with my pup, reach out to a friend, write in a journal, have a treat, etc. This one wasn't actually a regular list -- instead, I put each idea on a small slip of paper and then I folded each slip so it was small. I put all of the folded slips in a fancy jar and kept it on a window sill. Every time I felt the need or urge to drink, I stopped myself to first identify what I was feeling and to remind myself that the relevant non-negotiable responses were off the table. Then I chose one slip of paper from the jar and considered it as an alternative way to celebrate, or lift my mood, or address my loneliness or boredom, etc. If the first draw wasn't a good fit then I'd draw again until I got one that felt right. Notice that drinking was never going to be chosen. Then all the slips went back into the jar for the next time.


These two activities might both sound like overkill but they really helped me a lot and from different angles. Sometimes one helped me more, sometimes the other, often they worked in tandem. I will say I think they worked. Now, 5 years later, I have an almost visceral aversion to the thought of drinking, and one of the ideas in the jar is almost always my first thought when I'm looking to celebrate, relieve stress, or change my mood.

[NoSugar]

Re: Newbies Nest

[MENTION=23208]wagmor[/MENTION], Please consider adding that brilliant post to the Tool Box. Thanks, NS

[NoSugar]

Re: Newbies Nest

[MENTION=19596]Slo[/MENTION] and [MENTION=16180]BelleGirl[/MENTION], We obviously can't tell you what to do about the way your husbands are treating you - but you can. Imagine your daughter were going through what you are and you were witnessing it. What would you tell her when she came to you for advice? You deserve love and respect every bit as much as your daughter does.

I'm immersed in the lives of small ones this week. I'm trying to appreciate every (challenging or boring) moment because I'm a little afraid that with covid worsening, we might end up with another separation. I sure hope not!

[lifechange]

Re: Newbies Nest

hi Nesters!

Slo, I only "liked" your post because I like the fact, very much, that you come here to talk about it. I'm very sorry you're going through so a difficult time. :hug:

Thank you so much, Ava and Wags for taking the time to write that all out again. :love:The detail really helps! I love the idea, Wags, of putting the ideas in a jar to choose from, allowing time to think about each option pulled. I have a long list but to be honest, sometimes when I look at it, it just blurs over.

I didn't check in from work today as I'd planned to do 'cause my phone was about to die.. but to be honest, drinking didn't cross my mind AT ALL, so I even forgot about checking in till I was already on my way home. I've made a habit of going to the park across the street after work to sit for awhile and deload before heading home.. tomorrow I'll be sure to make sure my phone is charged fully just in case.

Off to bed now as it's getting late and I'm very tired..
Feeling much better today in general, thank goodness.
Love to you all..xx

Edit: x post, NS!!! I agree with asking Wags to add that to the Toolbox!

[Lavande]

Re: Newbies Nest

Good evening Nesters,

Rain storm off & on all day but now I’m sitting on the deck with partly sunny skies, just a tad humid haha!

Slo, I am sorry you are dealing with such awful treatment. You’ve done the right thing in contacting your lawyer to protect your interests. Please try to enjoy the time with your daughter right now :hug:

Wags, your system worked great for you, thanks for sharing. I’m sure lots of folks would benefit from doing the same. Glad you’re getting some relief from the heat too!

NS, enjoy the grandkids, they grow so fast. Now that mine are getting older I miss having the babies around but not sure I have enough energy left to do all that again. They really used to wear me out.

LC, glad you’re doing well. Check in with us as often as you can so we know you’re OK

Hello to everyone & wishing a safe night in the nest for all!

Lav

[wagmor]

Re: Newbies Nest

Thanks for the feedback -- I shared my post in the toolbox.

Exhausted in a good way so saying goodnight to all you fine people. Take care everyone!

[Slo]

Re: Newbies Nest

Greetings from Mexico!

Wags, it is nice to hear that you are a “good” tired at bedtime, and from something other than extremely tough teaching and extreme heat!

Belle, I can’t believe your husband would say something like that to you -that he could swerve and kill you in the tunnel like the way Princess Diana died! That is so emotionally abusive. And to think he calls that a joke. That’s very sick humor.

I had to take AL off the table too, much in the way that Lav put it: that I couldn’t keep fighting the same battle over & over again, because AL always wins.
Like Wags, I have to “do anything but drink”, and have to assess my options with each episode of anger, overwhelm, anxiety, fatigue, boredom, loneliness, celebration, etc.
I have to be very careful now with things like getting enough sleep, getting enough exercise, getting enough time outdoors, etc.
I carry food with me always to prevent a hunger storm that could leave me vulnerable to drinking, and, like Byrdie, I bring my own beverages to occasions.
Like NS and others, I had to lay very low initially, as much as I could, to get a good amount of initial time under my belt.

I coped with my painful and stressful marriage by drinking and, now that I don’t drink, it is still painful & stressful, and I have been daydreaming a lot through these three years of what it would be like to be free of this marriage. That is now becoming a reality. One version of the dream is that he would become loving and kind towards me, and be my friend and partner. But that is a pipe dream that has never come true in 35 years. Much like hoping I could drink normally once I no longer could…sometimes you just have to give up trying and hoping, and just move on.

I hope everyone here has a wonderful AF day!

[KENSHO]

Re: Newbies Nest

Hi Nest. It's been a few days.

Belle, I'm sorry you're feeling sad about your kids leaving. And I'm sad that your husband says such things. I know you know alcohol won't help either issue. I am sending a virtual hug right now.

WAGS, what a post. I love your comment about including *YOU* on the things you would not harm. That is a big one.

LC, good job leaving the cash and card home! Per Wags' post, the moment I let alcohol go was a moment that hit me like a brick. I was hungover and ashamed on yet another morning - and I realized with all the clarity in the world, that it would never, EVER be a different ending for me as long as I kept drinking. I tried to moderate. I tried drinking for different reasons. I tried reinventing my addiction into a simple need to change my mind/schedule/eating/thinking. I tried denial and rationalizing and I tried and tried and tried. And I am a hard worker and a go-getter and I thought I could "achieve" my way to a different relationship with alcohol - but I kept ending up in the exact same place - hungover and defeated - like a video game character, sent back to the beginning of the level. I wanted a different ending - and in that moment, I clearly understood that there was NO way I could play that level and NOT end up back at the beginning. Alcohol was standing in the way of the life I wanted, and once I understood that, it became much easier to say goodbye.

Slo, good for you for reaching out to your lawyer and taking the next steps to end the dysfunction. You deserve function, happiness, support and kindness, and I'm so happy that you are taking care of yourself.

We had a stressful weekend with too many plans and a big design install yesterday. I have been learning to not be so tightly wound or keep trying to keep everything under control. Sometimes I just feel overwhelmed and out of control, and I'm learning to be ok with not feeling ok - and asking for support. My daughter came with me yesterday to my install, and I was very honest with my anxiety over the project and she noticed that I was visibly stressed. She calmed me right down, saying "you have done your best Mom and it will be great! Let's get this done and you will feel proud." SHE mattered to me - and I DID do my best, so we just plowed through it and it is now down. Such wisdom from an 11 year old. I couldn't love or appreciate more the young lady that she is becoming. And she's a good little designer!

Back to school today for both kids. And more time in my office without distraction. It's a good thing for us all.

Have a good day everyone.

[lifechange]

Re: Newbies Nest

hi Nesters,

Quick accountability check in on my way to bed.. it was a tough, uncomfortable day, but I distracted myself by cooking and focussing on the girls and now I feel better..
thinking of you all and see you tomorrow..
xx

[BelleGirl]

Re: Newbies Nest

Hi Nesters,
I'm trying to get used to the 'new normal' of both kids off to college. Wags I love the jar of 'distractions' or things to do rather than drink. I might steal that one.

but I need to come here to read and stay accountable.

Slo, I'm sorry your marriage is hitting the skids also. I totally understand saying something benign and having it end up as a blowup. I just feel like I cannot say anything that won't piss hubs off. I'm probably headed on the road to divorce also. I cannot imagine living like this...walking on eggshells...for the rest of my life. It does truly suck.

I think I need a shower...spent all morning cleaning up the house and trying to start getting rid of stuff the kids don't need anymore. Now that I have the space, and time...and need things to do other than drink.

Later, y'all

[Lavande]

Re: Newbies Nest

Greetings Nesters,

Currently under a tornado watch here, oh boy. It’s been rain shower after rain shower all afternoon, now a thunderstorm moving thru. I’m ready for fall!

Slo, you appear to be gaining some strength & clarity & that’s great! Keep yourself #1 on the priority list & everything will be OK :hug:

Wags, hope your day has been good!

Kensho, the wise words of an 11 yr old ~ awesome! All we can do is the best we can do, right? We all need to learn to stop beating ourselves up, a common thing I think in our group. Glad your big installation day went well.

LC, you made it thru another day & that’s what counts right now. Good job

Belle, when they don’t want to communicate effectively life gets very difficult. I talked mine into the psychiatrist’s office, he went for over a year & was medicated then he just quit. Depression rears it’s ugly head in all sorts of unusual ways. Think about what you really want in the future & then make an action plan. You deserve peace too :hug:

Hello to all & wishing everyone a safe night in the nest!

Lav