Newbies Nest

[available]

Re: Newbies Nest

Hi Nesters

been a few days since i posted, life just keeps on giving atm.

Wags, glad your dad is settling in and life is settling down for you. a bigger office space sounds lovely, i moved my spare room around and have now my computer screen is not playing nicely. god knows what i have done, plugged in in wrong somewhere. my son came around to fix it but of course he just did something and left without checking it and not working.

I have mothers day this weekend and my daughter had her birthday this week so will be nice to catch up with the family. Not sure if my mum and son will visit. I had a friend's daughter msg me today asking me to call a mutual friend of her mums and mine. as soon as i saw that message i knew something was wrong. My friend sadly died from a brain aneurysm. I am just devastated beyond words, she had a headache last night, collapsed and was put on life support but was brain dead. I lived with her for a few years when we were 18 and she was just a wonderful human, had just become a nana again a few weeks ago and was fine and healthy. Our children grew up together and she is godmother to 2 of my children. Another friend who i met on here nearly 10 years ago and i kept in contact with through fb and email aslo died on Monday from cervical cancer. Funny enough i did think today that when i go to my friends funeral that i will have a drink in honour of Rhonda but then thought "how would she feel about that", not very fecking happy. Still a go to reaction nearly 10 years down the track. I wont drink but some times the escape would be welcome but i know her death will be there tomorrow. She was 56 and my other friend was 62.

I am lucky my children are around me, i even spoke to my ex husband today which was lovely of him to call and offer his support. Tomorrow is another day but today totally sucks.

take care xx

[NoSugar]

Re: Newbies Nest

I'm so sorry for your losses, Ava. It sounds like you have good memories of both of them.

I've got another weekend on my own so another chance to be grateful that I'm not going to drink it away like I used to do. The other night I took a super hot bath and when I got out, felt nauseous and dizzy -very much like I used to feel when I drank too much. I can't believe I used to make myself feel that way so regularly!! Looking back, it really was form of madness.

Tomorrow I'm going to distribute literature from an environmental group I've joined and in the afternoon participate in an anti-gun event. I know I wouldn't have done either if I still were drinking.

Have a good weekend!!

[KENSHO]

Re: Newbies Nest

HI Nest. Happy Friday! It's cool and rainy... we cancelled our camping trip for this weekend. Normally we are not afraid of the elements, but it's downright soggy here. And my husband and I both have deadlines for some serious work - so we're staying here to catch up before our big trip on May 29.

Yes, it's amazing to remember how little control we actually have when it comes to Mother Nature. Humbling. It would benefit us all to respect her more.

Wags, you're such a problem solver. Glad you will have more breathing room, even if you miss your dad. You deserve your space and office. I can attest to needing it as a fellow work-from-home person. It's hard sharing.

Not much else to share here. I just keep doing my thing... making progress feels good. And I've had the opportunity to take my dad and daughter to the gym - as well as help my husband lately. It amazes me how sprinkling some love on others helps me when I feel stressed.

Weekend, here I come.

[KENSHO]

Re: Newbies Nest

Ava, I'm sorry to hear about the deaths of your friends. :angel:

[Lavande]

Re: Newbies Nest

Good evening Nesters,

We had a regular summer day here, 86 degrees, wow! It will be cooling down with some rain moving in this weekend.

Wags, glad everything is under control for you

Ava, I?m so sorry to hear you lost two special friends this week & both way too young. Be kind to yourself, I know you won?t drink. Yes, some days simply suck

NS, enjoy your peace & quiet this weekend. You have a lot of good things going on in your life now so of course you won?t drink either. What sewing projects are on the table lately?

Kensho, sounds like you have things under control as well, good for you! The weather is one thing that?s completely out of our hands. I?d cancel a camping trip too, no fun camping in the rain.
I heard a news report today that the cost of pasta has risen >17% recently in Italy & residents are up in arms. Be prepared to spend a little more for meals I guess.

Hello to all & wishing everyone a safe night in the nest!

Lav

[wagmor]

Re: Newbies Nest

Ava - I'm so sorry to hear about your loss of two special people. My condolences to you and everyone who loves both of them. I know you're well-aware how even one loss like this could (would) have triggered many of us to drink in the past, and it sounds like you're protecting your 9.5 year quit very well. Sending you empathy and strength.

NS - can't wait to hear how the anti-gun event goes. Thank you for doing that AND for your help on the environmental work! Your post reminds me I need to tell my wife about the group - she's very much an activist and would love additional ways to get involved.

Kensho - I don't blame you a bit for canceling a camping trip that would have been so soggy. Do you tent camp or do you have a camper or what? I love camping but in the rain it's not as fun. Good luck getting your work done. The countdown is on for your Italy trip!


Sigh. I feel like I live on a roller coaster. I've been to visit my dad 3 of the past 4 days (Mon, Tue, Thu) and when I was there yesterday I left him a whiteboard note to remind him I was there and that I'll be visiting again this weekend. Today I got a call from him (they called me first to make sure it was ok) and he was tearful and sad and really struggling to understand where he was or what was going on with his life. He didn't remember that I was there yesterday. It's just shocking to me how quickly his memory seems to be deteriorating. I was hoping the Memory Care unit would be providing him with more structure and maybe tools to help support his daily routine so he doesn't have to "remember" so many things, but they aren't really doing that. I will continue to problem solve but I will also have to advocate harder for him to get some additional support. He isn't likely to ask for it himself, and he's also incredibly smart and thus able to cover for his memory issues with people who don't know him well, which means they might not realize he needs more help. It's just hard knowing he's so sad and confused sometimes and there's not a lot I can do to help ease that for him. Breaks my heart.

Take care everyone.

[Lavande]

Re: Newbies Nest

Greetings Nesters,

Soggy east coast day but tomorrow will be an improvement or so they say

Wags, some little tricks to help your Dad: try hanging a large calendar in his room, leave some pics of yourself & anyone else he’s close to so he can see them all day & be sure you’re leaving him a note on that white board telling him when you’ll be back. I know people tend to try to hide their confusion, it’s sad & scary for you as well. Hopefully the home has some sort of activities department that could occupy him a bit so he’s not stuck in a loop in his head. You’re doing great, it’s hard :hug:

I hope everyone else is OK & wishing a safe night in the nest for all!

Lav

[wagmor]

Re: Newbies Nest

Lav - thank you so much for the suggestions. Everything you said is along the lines of thingsa I've been trying to set my dad up with. I left him a whiteboard note last time I was there but he needs to get in the habit of looking at or reading the whiteboard. I'm taking a much bigger one tomorrow to hang on his wall where he can't miss it. Then the smaller one will be by his recliner. I'll leave the same note on both boards. I'm also taking him a digital clock & calendar that has the day of the week, morning/afternoon/eve, date, and time. They have several activities every day but so far my dad has declined to join any of them. He isn't even joining the community at mealtimes - he hardly eats at all, but when he does it's in his room. He's VERY introverted, and although never officially diagnosed I would say he's on the spectrum. Super intelligent, very cerebral and intellectual, so losing cognitive skills means he's losing just about the only strengths he's had his whole life. My heart breaks for him.

I'm very grateful that my quit is as solid as it is. This summer will be 7 years and I'm pretty well set for life, but I can totally see how having stuff like this happen in the first year or even few years of my quit might have made me jump off the wagon. The good news is that taking things day-by-day really does add up, and not drinking becomes such a positive that it ceases feeling like "giving something up" and instead becomes "embracing and protecting something positive"

Hope the weekend is going well for all of you.

[STEADFAST]

Re: Newbies Nest

Greetings, Nesters,

Wags, alot of what you're going through right now, I went through when each of my folks were in care. Dementia really is cruel, and I feel for you. I remember a lot of ups and downs, and feel proud of how I managed to get through it all and remain sober. The whiteboards, clock and calendar are all great ideas. Maybe you could also keep a "guest book" somewhere in plain sight. I had one for my Mum so that friends and other family members could write the date of their visit and a few words about what they did or chatted about with her. Hang in there. :hug:

Ava, I'm so sorry that you've lost two friends, both of whom were way too young. Thinking of you. On a lighter note, how was Mother's day for you? Hope you were well & truly spoiled and enjoyed the sunny weather. Hey, I walked past the hospital where you work recently, and thought of you! :hug:

NoSugar, great to be able to participate in community events with a clear head. Like you I've been doing stuff that I simply wouldn't have done while still drinking. I think it was Ava who said sobriety is a gift that keeps on giving, it’s so true! Being sober I'm more inclined to want to do things for other people and the community, instead of being the grumpy and anxious cynic always thinking about my next drink!

Hi Kensho! Your comments “I was sad and felt controlled and frustrated and toxic and stuck. Now my path feels open, happy and full of potential. Best decision I have ever made.” really resonate with me. Sums up my experience exactly. Excited for you and your upcoming trip!

Lav, I hope your summer blooms survive any changes in the fickle weather. If they're as strong as you, they'll flourish.

Hello to everyone else! I'm starting to run out of steam (had a dysfunctional family lunch this weekend :egad, so will sign off now.... Looking forward to tomorrow.

love,
Steady
x

[NoSugar]

Re: Newbies Nest

Happy US Mothers' Day to all who nurture - and that includes all of you. xoxo

[Lavande]

Re: Newbies Nest

Happy Mother’s Day to all because I suppose we’ve all mothered someone or something in our lives at one time or another
We were blessed with beautiful weather today so being outside is extra nice today.

Wags, I do hope in time your Dad comes out of his shell a little. I understand the introverted types but sometimes they surprise us when something captures their attention. Maybe he would do better with a one on one activity, painting or drawing with the activities person maybe?
You have done all you can do for him & he’s very lucky to have such an attentive daughter. Pat yourself on the back, OK?

Steady, the gardens have been safe so far but I know I’m no match for Mother Nature. Just keeping my fingers crossed
We rarely see extended family anymore, the dysfunction is overwhelming, better to be left alone haha.

NS Happy Mother’s Day to you & I hope your weekend has been nice.

Hello to all & wishing a safe night in teh nest for all!
Lav

[wagmor]

Re: Newbies Nest

Happy Nurturers' Day everyone!

Lav, Steady, NS - thanks for your supportive words as I navigate this rough journey with my dad. I visited him today - he was fairly lucid but totally unmotivated to do anything. He said he knows his memory isn't working properly, that he's forgetting a lot of things and sometimes imagining things and remembering those things. I talked with him about how we're trying to come up with tools and work-arounds to support his daily life so he doesn't have to "remember" so many things, and that right now I was doing my best to observe, to listen, and sometimes to guess what might be helpful (or where he might have a need). I asked if he could maybe try to write down ideas of what he could use help with so the tools were relevant and his days were actually easier and hopefully more enjoyable. He thought that was a good idea. He was close to tears. I've seen my father cry more in the past 5-6 weeks than in the rest of his life (well, my life). He's like a lost little boy.

I appreciate hearing positives for my efforts from all of you. Dementia is just cruel. I wish there was a treatment or a cure or at least a solid way to help people feel better even as they slowly lose their abilities.

Sigh...

On a brighter note, our veggie garden is going really well in spite of extreme heat this weekend. Lots of greens, and tomorrow we've got peppers and tomatoes we're going to plant. My wife has hand surgery this Thursday so we're a bit pressed to get several things done in the next 3 days before she loses the use of her non-dominant hand for several weeks or longer. Wish us luck!

Hope the new week treats all of you well.

[NoSugar]

Re: Newbies Nest

I wonder if it is because most of us don't live in extended family groups anymore that it is the decline of a parent that is our first experience with 'the circle of life'. I was pretty freaked out seeing my mom become childlike (and so my sister and I forced to be parent-like). I wasn't around my grandparents as they aged but now think it would be better if we were all more familiar with the process of aging. You're doing a great job, Wags, and I'm sorry that you seem to be doing all of it on your own. Do you have siblings but they are far away? My sister lives in the same town as my parents so she does the most but I really try to step up and not leave everything to her. Fortunately I'm only a couple hours drive away.

We had a summer-like weekend but spring has returned and I'm ready to enjoy it!

Tomorrow I'm going to the state capitol for another lobby day - this time with Moms Demand Action. I don't know if any of this actually makes a difference but feel we've got to try.

[Lavande]

Re: Newbies Nest

Good evening Nesters,

Still having decent weather here so I’m spending more time outside. Now my allergies are driving me nuts, there’s really no winning this game. Cleared out two more raised beds today so I need to get some new plants.

Wags, I’m sorry this has been so hard for you. It’s tough seeing your parents decline after a lifetime of being the strong ones.
One of my grandmothers lived with us when I was growing up so I think I had early exposure to the aging process. I specifically remember helping to look after her when she had a heart attack one Christmas morning just days after i turned 4. My nursing career pretty much began then. Your ideas sounds good, i hope they help your Dad a bit. Don’t be afraid to ask his PCP for a Psych consult. I’ve seen many dementia patients calm down & chill after being started on an Antidepressant med such as Remeron. Anyone would be sad & feeling despair knowing they are losing their memory. Hugs to you both.
I hope your wife’s hand surgery goes well & she heals quickly :hug:

NS, I think there is something to be said for a multi-generational household. Everyone learns to take care of one another. My parents never had to call a babysitter when they went out - that’s one positive
Good that you have a sister to lend a hand. Good luck with your lobbying activity!!

Hello to all & wishing everyone a safe night in the nest!

Lav

[wagmor]

Re: Newbies Nest

NS - I've heard good things about Moms Demand Action. When I feel optimistic I think protests, letter writing, sit-ins, and other types of activism make a big difference. Other times I feel less optimistic though, especially around guns, because look at how many horrific school shootings (or theaters, grocery stores, work places, etc etc) have happened and still our policy makers are beholden to the lobbyists not the actual citizens/voters. But I'm extremely grateful that you and others are doing something and I spend more of my time feeling optimistic cuz the alternative sucks. As for my care-giving role, I do have an older brother about 6 hours away but honestly he's useless. He keeps saying "sorry I can't do more" (more than ZERO) instead of "what can I do to help?" I've tried countless times to get him involved and have him take on some of these responsibilities and it always just ends up being MORE work for me so I gave up. I'm angry but I can't really even waste energy on that either.

Lav - good suggestion about the psych consult. I'll reach out to my dad's PCP and see what she thinks after I share more of the emotional roller coaster I've seen him riding. I think you're right about the extended family offering exposure to aging. In my case, I had one grandmother live to 104 and I saw her develop dementia, but my other grandparents either died before I was born or were killed in a car accident. I took care of my mom when she was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer, but she was only 70. Not only was that a very different journey, she was a very different person than my dad is and she was very open to and appreciative of help, among other things. My dad is hard because he's just hard in general and I guess as we age we become more of who we are, or something like that.


Ok nesters, we're halfway through May. What are some things people are looking forward to in the next few weeks?

Take care everyone!