Newbies Nest

[Rainyday]

Newbies Nest

whitemarshmom;1380741 wrote: I am also tired of the blackouts, there were clothes folded and on the kids dressers this morning, and I dont recall folding them! I'm so scared in the morning, i wake up and my kids are curled up beside me, im not sure who dressed them in their PJs, knowing i didnt read to them, or probably kiss them good night, some mornings, i have to check the dishwasher, to know whether they ate dinner.. God! Typing this makes me feel absolutely like the worst most horrible mother in the world.. which is enough to drive one right back to the drink... But NOT THIS TIME! NOT TODAY!

I hear you! Unfortunately, my kids are older than yours I think 8, almost 7, and 2, and the 8 and 7 year old are really starting to catch on. My husband was driving truck for a year (that didn't work out too well!) and I would be home on weekend nights with my kids trying to play a game with them on the floor. The next day, I'd somehow be in bed, my kids in bed, and when my husband got home, they would say, "Daddy! It was SO Funny! Mommy fell asleep on the floor while playing Sorry! (the game)" or other times "Daddy! Mommy was really tired last night! She kept falling all over the place!" OMG! What is also terrible is that my husband is just as bad as I am. He is finally admitting he needs the help, so that is great, but they have seen us both at our worst.

I am horrified.

{{{hugs}}} to all you mommies out there who are just trying to survive with work, kids, kids school, stress, and everything else, and to STAY SOBER ANOTHER MOMENT!

[daisy45]

Newbies Nest

Rooni, sorry you had such a horrible experience, but it sounds like you are back on track; armed with that ordeal, I know you won't take the chance again....scary!

[RunningCourage]

Newbies Nest

Thank you Byrdie, for the advice of the voices in the head. Nuisance is an understatement to describe that band of merry warblers. Glad to say it's 10pm and I'm tucked up in bed. I work Saturday's so Friday's really shouldn't be much of a party night... not that that ever stopped me previously going out for a few jars of amber nectar.

Gonna have a wee moan, if that's ok? Tonight there was a launch event at work (for a festival). Of course there was the obligatory free booze, but it wasn't so much this that i found hard. It was something else. Admittedly after a long day at work, i was tired, very hungry and so negative feelings tend to be enhanced, but there was the real sense of being alone. Others, friends, colleagues, would have a beer, would go on after to a bar. Surely i can have a day off? Am i to forever go home early? Forever not kick back and relax with a beer with friends? Oh deary me... what have i let myself in for?! Yet - to not have a beer tonight wasn't so hard, it was, perhaps, instead not feeling as much part of a group; the body of the kirk, as some of us scots might say.... Wondering whether because of my desire to drink - alone or in company - meant i could no longer drink in social circumstances - could no longer drink! - could no longer enjoy those slightly inebriated conversations with friends and loved ones, conversations and company that were surrounded and imbued with a warm halcyon glow.

I feel like a kid that wants to scream "Waaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.... Nooooo.... that's not fair!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" :upset:

I made my excuses (I had to go study, i'm a part-time uni student, which i have used this week as a means to avoid drinking in the evening by hanging out in a coffee shop reading) and left. But left feeling that, yes i may wake up sober this morning, but what happened last night other than study, and going to bed early? Worth it? Perhaps i would have had a great time going out for a few drinks, woken up a bit groggy, but feel good for having enjoyed the company of over a few beers.

I was saying to the good MissTipsy that for us newbies (as with all of us here at some time, perhaps) there is the other battle of trying to determine what our relationship to AL is. To be new here, there's both the relief of finding such a place with such understanding folks, and a funny kind of shock of realising that you are reading and posting on such a forum... "you mean, i have a PROBLEM?!?!.... No! Surely not!" And I can only speak for myself, but although i know (i think) my history with AL and how it has becomes (or perhaps always has been) a love-in between two partners that really shouldn't be as close as they are, there are the questions of perhaps i can make this work, perhaps i can moderate, perhaps i can enjoy the halcyon glow of inebriation over some of Dublin's finest Guinness with my closest friends in a snug by a fireplace on cold, dark wintry night...

Perhaps. I don't know. It may be a form of denial. I may just be grieving.

For now though, I'm glad to have day 5 under my belt. A special thank you to everyone - i've never been 5 days AF since... hmmm, i think i had a week off AF in 2002 - so 10 years or thereabouts.

R

[Prairie Fairy]

Newbies Nest

Hey Rooni -

Glad you are ok. :-)

I know it's good to lose the weight too...lost 14 lbs in the last 32 days being AF. A full DRESS size in 32 days. WOWZERS.

Smaller than I've been since junior year in high school...crazy....guess I know where all my weight in college came and it wasn't the Wisconsin Cheesy Chicken....

[Byrdlady]

Newbies Nest

Rooni, I'm so glad you checked in, K9 is out today on a family visit, but she said she tried to drink after a couple days and she felt like something out of a Stephen King movie...said she wanted to crawl OUT of her skin. I'm so sorry that happened, but good advice as always, from bitter experience.

Welcome all the mommies, I can't imagine having this burden on top of having children...my heart goes out to you all. But it is totally fixable, and that's why we're here!
Just hang in with us....Stay strong, Byrdie

[Byrdlady]

Newbies Nest

RunningC, while I don't have experience being a Mom, I certainly DO have it in the business world! I work for a company who's culture is drinking....dominated by men..so when we had a meeting, by golly, I held my own when I was around them. It was HARD at first to be the only one not drinking. I felt even more out of place than usual. The first meeting I had to go to, I had Lola's cell number in my phone for back up. I certainly wasn't going to let her down...and it was easy to resist ordering, but I felt stiff and quiet....however, once I got this under my belt, the next night was easier...MUCH easier. And then the next meeting a few months later, I was my old self around them. Your personality is down there, and it will surface again without AL. It just takes a little time to get your confidence back. You may find that the people you thought were so engaging and funny really aren't so great!! Who remembers what is said after so many rounds anyway?? The only thing that's missing is the loud drunken staggering. One time the VP of sales got up and bet that I would have never made it to the morning meeting..in front of 300 of my peers he said this. I could have died. (literally) You will get your legs back...I promise!

One more thing...as you may notice, we really try to encourage you to get 30 AF days under your belt before you make any decisions about the future. Give yourself a chance to feel what it's like to be operating under your own power...see what it's like to see things in color instead of under a haze. If you are like me, you will grab onto your quit with both hand and protect it with your life. After all, for me, if WAS a fight for my life. Try not to look too far down the road....because all you gotta do, is get thru this day....I am pulling for you! Byrdie

[jenniech]

Newbies Nest

another BAD MOOD day. So glad it is friday. Went to lunch with girlfriends from work and watched them drink wine. Made me very grumpy!! But they have been bugging me to go out to lunch for a couple of months now and so I finally said ok. I am just not ready to tell them that I am not drinking anymore. They were surprised again that I did not drink. That was irritating. Going to go to an AA meeting tonight. It is about 1.2 miles from my house so I am going to walk there and walk home. That will take up a good chunk of the night. I will get exercise and get my self-required daily AA meeting under my belt. I am sure I will feel much better then.
I hate this roller coaster ride!!!!!:sigh::yuk:

[patrice]

Newbies Nest

Hiya all,

So happy to see everyone forging ahead without wine or voddy..

I've woken up to day 31 of no drinking..so I guess this is the 4th Sober Saturday in a row. It hasn't been too difficult, except at times when suddenly out of the blue I would get really irritated and angry for no reason... those were/are the times when I feel weak.

Thanks to everyone here.. and I mean EVERYONE... for their stories, thoughts, ideas, advice and plain humility and empathy for those who struggle.. Makes a huge difference to feel part of a tribe when fighting the booze...

So Day 31.. where do I go from here.. I guess straight to day 32!

Take care
Pat
x

[mommyKW]

Newbies Nest

Whitemarsh and Rainy, Hugs back to you from another mom of similarly aged kids who did the same things almost every evening with the kids while under the influence of AL. Then woke up the next morning trying to figure out what happened... only to repeat the cycle again. Yeah, its amazing how forgiving the kids are and that they can laugh it off as a joke.

Interesting that there are so many moms who are in the same situation - closet alcoholics, but with the outward appearance of being in charge of it all. Glad I came across this site and the inspiration if offers while I struggle to become AF.

I tried 30 days AF, then tested the waters and fell off the wagon again, though gradually. Don't know how many more of these horrible "Day one"'s I'm going to put myself through.

Wish you all a great weekend, as AF as you can make it.

[lolab]

Newbies Nest

Byrdie, I'd forgotten that...:l You're so together, it's weird to think of you struggling...

rooni, I'm so glad that you're ok....

Count me in too -as a mom who outwardly had it together - but let me tell you - the facade was fading fast. how's that for alliteration? :H I was starting to show some holes in that exterior....dinner parties where I didn't really talk - and when I did, I'd forget what I was talking about mid-sentence....starting to not care as much about my appearance...so much more...

It's bound to happen...

shoot, I gotta run! Friday night and I'm not passed out on the couch like last year - so i'm being beckoned...:h

[treebird]

Newbies Nest

I am new to this site and really want to post a new thread somewhere, but I cannot figure out how. Can someone please help me or send me some instructions on doing this?

[lolab]

Newbies Nest

boys are occupied for the moment...:-) treebird...try this...scroll up on this page and click on OUR COMMUNITY then choose the section Just Starting Out....then towards the left hand side you should be able to click on a tab that says "New Thread"

I hope that helps! And Welcome!

[Byrdlady]

Newbies Nest

Patrice, this is the 3rd time I've typed this...I keep losing it!! I knew there were 2 hats due today....It is with great pride that i bestow your hat !!:day5: I'm so proud of you. I think the best way to see how far you've come is to look back at your own posts from your early days....you have come so far! When I was at 30 days, at the time we next went to 100 days...in my case, it happened to be on Will and Kate's wedding day, April 29, 2011. Everyone was celbrating, including me....after that, I didn't keep track so much, just noticed as the months went by and was thankful for them....next thing I knew I was coming up on a year...now that was big! Thruout that time, there are 2 areas that stand out as lull spots. Thats at around 3-4 months and again at 9 months....not sure why that is...just the head catching up to the body? Not sure...but a leveling out takes place around this time...but I will tell you that everyday that goes by will be easier than the day before it. You may have a great day one day, and one not so great the next...but you will hardly ever have 2 bad days is a row. Mercifully, every day is not as hard as the fist 5 days are....it is a process of learning about your new sober self. I'm on a different computer sorry for the typos....Just stay the course....no drink tastes better than being sober feels! Well done to all today....if you are thinking about drinking today...please don't....not this time....just don't give in this time...You will be so proud in the morning....stay strong everyone!! Byrdie

[Lavande]

Newbies Nest

Wow, busy day around here!

Rooni, I'm sorry to hear you decided to drink but glad to see you back

RunningC, reading your post made me think of the mistake we've all made at one time or another - romancing AL Snug by a fiireplace on a cold wintry night.......that's fine for 'normal drinkers' but just fiction for us. If we could be happy with just one or two drinks then we wouldn't be here, would we?

Getting honest with ourselves, possibly for the first time ever is really tough but something we have to do if we truly want to change.

Wishing everyone a safe night in the nest!
Lav

[TheSunFlower]

Newbies Nest

I like this thread....but find it so hard to follow. Always going to the last post to have to back up ten pages....and then by the time I get here....too tired to post anything.

Kuya....great post....because it is so true. The worst is the first week...after that it becomes a mental game.